I never really had a show or movie series that I was passionate about when I was growing up. Though, I was raised by adults who had a heartfelt love for movie culture. I have watched all the Tyler Perry movies, every edition of Friday, Coming to America, and every good and bad version of Barbershop. I didn’t have a lot of control over our family remote.
Although the movies mentioned above now hold a special place in my heart, back then they didn’t really resonate with me. The only time I got to watch movies I liked was around Christmas, whether it was a romantic comedy or a beautifully animated cartoon, I always took to seasonal movies more. Since nobody can ever really turn down a good Christmas movie, one of my first memories is watching The Nightmare Before Christmas with my grandma on Christmas Eve. In today’s blog, I want to talk about a few Christmas films that first resonated with me.
Polar Express:
Even though I’m still young and building what I will consider my “youth” one day, I consider the most prominent points of my childhood to have been around 2010-2018. Polar Express came out in 2004. This movie caught my eye because I never saw a film that was animated like it was. It has a realistic 3D animation type, and although that’s pretty common to see these days, it was not common to six-year-old me.
I didn’t recognize the feeling back then, but when I first saw the film, I got a deep sense of uncanny valley. I was really drawn to the plot, which is basically a kid leaving his house in the middle of the night to catch a train and discover if Santa Claus is real or not. It sounded a lot more adventurous when I was a kid, but I can probably watch this movie at any point in my life and still love it with all my heart.
Edward Scissorhands:
My first time watching Edward Scissorhands was more recent than one might think. By recent, I mean last year. Some of my friends introduced it to me once they heard I’d never seen it before. I’m interested in anything that’s made by Tim burton. I love all his films and admire the way he uses his creative freedom. In this movie, and a few of his others, he uses color in an interesting way. I like to describe it as everything being a different color, but in the same shade or hue, and it creates this since of parallelism.
I love movies that interact with color like this, because it signifies the universe of the movie is unique from our own. Or at least that’s how I think of it. I know some people like to argue that this is a Halloween movie, and I can totally see how that comes to mind, but this film has always felt like a Christmas movie to me. Even though the plot might seem like a good Halloween movie, there are a lot of aspects of the Holidays here, so I really disagree with that.
Gremlins:
Though Gremlins is considered a less-cuddly type of Christmas movie, it has always been one of my favorites. I watched it when was a little older, around my pre-teen years, so I was mature enough to not be terrified of the microwave scene (ifykyk). Gremlins came out in 1984, and it was popular before I even watched it. It’s about this Gadget Salesman that purchases a pet for his son at a sketchy shop, and the store owner give him very specific instructions to keep the pet from basically turning into a monster.
The guy buys it anyway, gives it to his son for Christmas, the son doesn’t adhere to his dad’s instructions, then the pet turns into a monster and procreates little versions of himself. So now, the entire town is full of furry, sharp-toothed Gremlins running around and terrorizing people on Christmas. It’s a lot funnier than it sounds. I also like this movie because the plot was really unique to me at the time, since I’d never seen a holiday movie mixed with horror before. I really encourage you to watch this one if not anything else.
As we all know, I love Overwatch, but I can admit that the game had been in a rough state. But Overwatch went big, removing the 2, and going back to just Overwatch. This change brought us a brand-new season one with FIVE new characters being added at once, and ten by the end of the year. The last time more than one hero was released at a time was right when Overwatch became Overwatch 2 releasing Sojourn, Junker Queen, and Kiriko. The five characters added were Anran, Emre, Mizuki, Domina (Vaira Singhania), and Jetpack Cat (Fika). These characters have brought with them stories to add into the Overwatch Lore.
As each character is released, lore is added to the story automatically, but Overwatch has actually taken a step at moving it along. Back in the day, animatics were made for characters, which soon went to just short stories and comics, with the occasional animated short. Many people complained, and Overwatch listened. Recently, a character named Vendetta (Marzia Bartalotti) was added. To summarize her story, her father Antonia Bartalotti was killed by Blackwatch, a secret group that Overwatch had, when she was a little girl. She was kicked out of her home and lost everything and has now grown to get revenge. Vendetta takes over Talon after fighting Doomfist (Akande Ogundimu), and that’s where we are now
she walked in, served, and killed one of the most powerful people in lore
Many people didn’t like this though. Doomfist is arguably, the strongest person lore wise in the game. Akande fought hard and took many lives to get to his position as the Doomfist, like to become the Doomfist, you have to kill the current one and take the Doomfist (how many times am I gonna have to type Doomfist??). He has almost beat Overwatch countless times, and I think he didn’t because THEY ran. He got arrested, walked straight out of jail took over Talon, then got overthrown by the random angry woman who no one really knew until now (well because she just came out in game but also, she’s pretty young). But the thing is. He isn’t really dead.
I can’t find pictures of his fall but look at him. He’s so evil, everything he has done is for unexplained reasons, he just starts chaos just because he’s able to. Anyway. While him and Vendetta are fighting, he falls out of the building. We never see his body. In game map changes have shown that the news is looking for him. He’s still alive… There are many theories about this. Some thinks he did die, others are convinced that he allowed Vendetta to win just to see the chaos unfold, others just hate Vendetta idk. Anyway, she’s making big moves, and three members of Talon have left because they don’t want to work with Vendetta. Too bad that doesn’t matter because every organization in the game is evil, except Overwatch and the Wayfinder Society, and they all work with Talon, except like null sector and like the deep-sea raiders. I was gonna do a blog on all the organizations, but there’s too many…. Moral is, Overwatch is making big moves, story and gam wise, and I’m so excited for what’s to come.
Released in 1989, Dead Poets Society is a cult classic movie about boyhood, creativity, and mental health. The screenplay was written by Tom Schulman and the movie was directed by Peter Weir. The film starred popular actors in their youth, such as Ethan Hawke, Robert Sean Leonard, and the late Robin Williams. There are many topics that the film handles extremely well, which is why it has become such a cult classic and fan favorite through multiple generations. However, there are still many issues with the film that have been ignored and looked over in its popularity. In this blog, I will be discussing the successes and failures of this movie, as well as how I personally would change things up.
For those who may not know, Dead Poets Society is about a group of wealthy, white men who are in their senior year at a prestigious private boarding school. The film also takes place somewhere around 1959-1960, which is another aspect of context that I find particularly important. The film discusses a number of themes, though the central focus is around these young men breaking out of the status quo and seizing the day, so they might seize their whole life.
Many of the main characters feel bound to the expectations of their fathers- other rich white men with successful careers. Multiple characters express the dread they feel, knowing their future had been completely orchestrated by their parents and they’re cursed with following in their father’s footsteps. For characters like Neil Perry (played by Robert Sean Leonard), this expectation is too much. Neil has dreams of pursuing theater and acting, as he has a strong love for the arts. However, Neil’s father forbids this life and expects his son to follow after him.
Neil’s character is a perfect example of the successes of Dead Poets Society. Neil Perry is a creative, light hearted, and extroverted person. He is brave enough to go against his father’s wishes and audition for a local production of Shakespeare’s A Midsummer Night’s Dream. Throughout the movie, Neil is shown to be happy and carefree. He is caring and kind toward his friends, he does well in school, he gets along with others. When he gets to perform in A Midsummer Night’s Dream, Neil is shown to be truly and completely happy. His friends attend the performance and get to enjoy it with him. However, Neil’s father is also there. After the play, Neil’s father takes him home and threatens him with military school. Neil feels stuck. He truly believes that he’ll never be able to live his true self, because of his father. This realization and subsequent dread leads Neil to suicide.
Neil Perry is a uniquely perfect example of what depression and suicidal ideation can look like in people. The movie does an excellent job at showing how free Neil feels on stage and pursuing his love for acting, as well as the horrid contrast of the life his parents have forced upon him. The movie shows what is truly at stake for Neil if he follows after his father. Neil’s rebellion- acting in the play, starting the dead poets society- has true purpose and meaning within the film and his character.
The other characters in Dead Poets Society are not nearly as well rounded. For example, Charlie Dalton is more or less the comedic relief of the movie. He is crude and charismatic. He wants to rebel against his dad and against the higher ups at his school, but he doesn’t truly pursue that rebellion. There is nothing truly revolutionary about Charlie’s beliefs. In fact, he’s pretty racist and misogynistic. He only cares about breaking the status quo when it suits him.
Similarly, Knox Overstreet is another character who falls flat in his revolutionary beliefs. He objectifies women and gropes a girl he allegedly is in love with, while she’s in a relationship with someone else. He also completely abandons his friends to try and pursue a girl who wants nothing to do with him. On top of all of that, he doesn’t seem all too interested in rebelling against the system at all. He is aware of how the world serves him, as he is a wealthy white man, and he’s content with keeping it that way.
There are characters who, while not detrimental in their characteristics, fall flat and could’ve been much more compelling. Stephen Meeks and Gerrad Pitts (I put them together because they are inseparable in the movie and in how they’re written) are both extremely smart and have a lot of opportunities open for them because of that. Pitts talks about possibly going to Yale. He and Meeks engineer an illegal radio so they can listen to music and dance in their free time. They are both supportive of Neil’s dead poets society and avidly participate in meetings. However, we don’t get to know much more about them besides these things. In my opinion, these two could’ve provided a whole different perspective to the revolutionary beliefs shared throughout the movie. The two characters inspired one of my own short stories, specifically the radio that they created and the implications of this creation. I truly feel these two had much more potential, but they were washed to the background by Knox and Charlie.
Similarly, Todd Anderson is a wonderfully written character who struggles with anxiety, family issues, and the expectations of him to become just like his older brother. He also grows extremely close with Neil Perry, to the point there is speculation about the nature of their friendship. The two were extremely close and, after learning about Neil’s death, Todd is lost and distraught. Throughout the movie, we get to see Todd embrace his talent as a poet and become more and more confident in himself. However, we don’t get to know much more about him. To some extent, we only really see him through how he affects others. We see how he cares for and assists Neil Perry. We see how he inspires their teacher, Mr. Keating. We see how the other dead poets society members appreciate him. We don’t get to hear how he feels or what he wants. His character could’ve provided much more to the plot as a whole if we got to hear more from him and his perspective.
While a controversial character, I also feel that Richard Cameron could’ve provided more to the story. I appreciate the inclusion of a character who is anxious or simply against his friend’s desire to rebel and break the rules. I wish there was more to why he feels this way though. He is shown to be a teacher’s pet and a snitch, but we don’t get to know why. I wish we could’ve learned more about him and his motives.
So, how would I change things? For one, I would rewrite Knox and Charlie’s characters in their near entirety. While I completely understand and agree that some characters can and are racist and misogynistic, especially in stories that are meant to mirror the real world. However, I don’t think those characters are needed in this story. In fact, I think they draw away from the entire message and moral of Dead Poets Society. I would add more to the other characters I’ve mentioned and expand more on their beliefs and motives.
Generally, I feel that this movie is missing a lot of motive. Neil is the only character where it’s clear why he wants to rebel and break the rules. He has a true, life or death reason. The other characters sort of just fall in suit behind him, because he’s their friend. I wish we got to learn more about each of the boys, even if it was just small bits of characterization, so we could understand why they want to break the rules. Similarly, they love to complain about becoming doctors and lawyers like their dads, but they never talk about what they really want from life. Neil and Todd are the only ones who seem to know what they want from life. Everyone else just seems angry for no reason, and it makes everything else in the plot seem similarly weak.
On top of all of this, this movie takes place in the late fifties/early sixties and follows a group of privileged white men as they complain about the extremely privileged and fortunate life that they’re being “forced” to live. While I understand the basic idea that’s being conveyed here, I feel like it fails to properly portray it. It’s hard to sympathize with these characters because they have it so good, yet that’s not good enough for them. Again, this would feel a lot different if we got to know more about them and got to understand what exactly they’re missing out on in life. But we don’t. So it all just feels … meh.
Anyways, I haven’t watched this movie in a couple years. I used to watch it all the time, back in middle school. It meant a lot to me back then and I still love it now. It has inspired a number of my short stories and poems and is the whole reason I got back into poetry in 8th grade. However, it has its faults. I wanted to reflect on said faults, while also reflecting on the aspects of it that I did enjoy. Don’t let this blog fool you, I do love Dead Poets Society. I’m just viewing it with a more skeptical eye, now that my rose-colored glasses have lifted.
A new trend has surfaced on my feed. I felt like it was a good subject for a blog post because it relates to a past post. Analog bags. An analog bag is basically an expensive bag filled with devices and knick-knacks meant to keep people off their phone. Even though I have employed somewhat of the same idea myself, I believe it is blatant over-consumption, packaged up in a pretty bow of feigned superiority.
The decentralization of phones is something I wholeheartedly subscribe to, it’s the lack of actual behavioral change that irks me. Most of the time, when we reach for our phones, it’s to satisfy our brains. The quick hits of dopamine that come from endlessly scrolling on Instagram or TikTok have become a way to destress or to avoid something. It’s difficult to break out of this cycle, but it makes it even harder to get out cold turkey when we simply replace it with things that don’t produce a similar reaction in our brains. This lack of dopamine often brings us back to the cycle within days or weeks, and that expensive bag of other devices or items that you bought specifically for getting away from your phone is now forgotten and relegated to a dark corner of disinterest. And most of the time, people are only doing it to tote their “chronically offline” lifestyle as a medal of honor to hold over people’s heads. It feels like a taunt when the ones who are actually doing the work to move away from social media and the slot-machine-from-hell that is the algorithm get lumped into this group. When self-improvement stems from disingenuous intent like this, it makes other movements seem just as fabricated. It also adds to the over-consumption that plagues the globe when influencers create a trend that is so heavily supported by the buying of new things. Most videos I’ve seen have recommended buying from the Amazon storefront linked in their bio, when it would be so much easier to take an old bag and buy from thrift stores and rent books from libraries. These endless pits that we throw our money into won’t improve us no matter how much we spend if we don’t do the work to improve our behavior. You have to do the work to change the habit or it will just lead you to seek that dopamine from other, maybe worse sources.
The new season of Marvel Rivals coming tomorrow has left a lot of fans feeling mixed. I personally get why some are angry, but at the same time, it feels weird to criticize Marvel Rivals for adding lesser-known characters first and then adding more popular characters. How else are people going to find out about these obscure characters? Marvel Rivals is giving them a chance to shine, which in turn makes more people want to write about them. That’s one of the better things about Marvel Rivals; it’s given characters like Angela, Jeff the Land Shark, Elsa Bloodstone, and many other character variations time to shine in the spotlight. Now, if we want to criticize Marvel Rivals, there are so many other things, and I’m going to list them.
Blatant racism
Marvel Rivals has this problem in spades, and every time someone brings it up, they say, “Well, erm, actually Marvel Rivals is a Japanese company; they don’t have to do more for Black people.” You should be lucky in the game at all.” Now imagine that voice in like half the player base. It’s infuriating how people act like Japanese people are toddlers when these are full-grown, able-bodied men. News flash, genius. Everyone knows what racism is. They know what actions are racist and what they say is racist. And adding this on Black History Month is insane, and it feels like they are laughing at us.
Also, the fact that all the Black people in the game are constantly neglected—like, when was the last time Blade, the character that was teased for 2 seasons and was chained up for all the players to see, got anything substantial? Now I can excuse all the free Storm skins mainly because she’s the least picked DPS in the game, but tell me why she and Black Panther had free wedding skins when all the other couples had event-based skins and actually had to be paid for. It’s weird. Also, another thing people associate Black people with disco, you know, because we are the people that made it. So tell me, why did not a single Black person get a disco skin? But Thor, the person not even from Earth, has one.
Toxic Players
Every so often when I load up on Marvel Rivals, I get a really bad teammate that plays for the vibes, and it’s so infuriating that it makes me want to shove my head in a tuba and scream, but not even that will mask the sounds of the dread and rage I feel. Marvel rivals, please do better.
Since mid-September of 2025, a new artist has found their way into every single one of my playlists. Unlike all my other favorite artists and bands who are past their prime or have most of their discography released before I was even born, underscores’ career is extremely active and I see it prospering more in the future than ever before.
underscores, real name April Harper Grey, is a 25-year-old hyperpop artist that started out by making dubstep on SoundCloud in 2013. She has two official albums, fishmonger (2021) and Wallsocket (2023). On Spotify there’s also boneyard aka fearmonger, that shows up as an album but it’s an EP, that’s a companion piece to fishmonger. She also has tons of singles, some of them being promotional songs for albums or collaborations. Unfortunately I don’t know much about her early career since, I’ll admit, I’m a newer fan. I also just don’t know much about albums, singles, and EPs, or anything about the technical side of music careers. There’s nothing I can tell you that wouldn’t be better said in, like, a Wikipedia article.
I found underscores one night in the middle of September while I was cleaning. I was watching an archived live stream when the Wallsocket album was briefly mentioned as an “emotional rollercoaster”, or something along those lines. I had never heard of this album or underscores before so out of curiosity and boredom, I decided to listen to it while I mopped the floor and it wasn’t what I was expecting at all.
I had been out of the hyperpop scene for 4 years at that point, so hearing “Cops and robbers” for the first time was somewhat shocking. But even in the moment, I remember really loving it. “Cops and robbers” was actually the first song that made it off of the album and into one of my playlists. “Locals (Girls like us)” was even harder to wrap my head around for the first time listening. I remember really enjoying it after getting used to it, though. Then “Duhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh” started and I realized the heartbreaking majority of what this album would be, and I finally understood what the streamer I was watching meant.
I don’t aim to do an album review of Wallsocket. There are plenty of those made by people that know way more about hyperpop as a genre and music in general that could do a much better job than me. But my first time listening to Wallsocket is a core memory that I can recall better than half of my other most essential moments. I also kept listening to that album while I mopped for weeks after I did it the first time.
After falling in love with Wallsocket, I decided to check out underscores’ other stuff. I really love fishmonger and boneyard aka fearmonger, which I now know is an EP. fishmonger is actually closer towards the hyperpop I originally got into back in 2021, specifically “Spoiled little brat” and “Your favorite sidekick”. I somehow never discovered underscores back then though, but ultimately I’m happy I found her when I did. I also really love Wallsocket (Director’s Cut) which is the deluxe version of Wallsocket, “CCTV” has such a special place in my heart.
Since September, I would say that Wallsocket has saved my life 3 separate times. Obviously not physically, but probably mentally. It might sound like I’m giving this album too much credit, but when my life was at its lowest, I had this album to find comfort, joy, and inspiration in. In a social media post from December that I ended up keeping in my drafts, I described Wallsocket as “an album that just so happened to find me at the right time in my life so I could attach and base my whole personality off of it and use it to cope with things I was never taught how to handle.” So that’s a little harsh but I wouldn’t say it’s not true. I’ve additionally tied Wallsocket to what I imagine parts of my future to be like by constantly daydreaming about it while listening to the album. This is a completely new experience and I’ve surprisingly never done this with music before. Also, this is the only album I’ve written a poem after and I think that alone says enough about how much this album means to me.
I’ve tied my identity to underscores’ music so heavily and I think without it, I wouldn’t be anywhere near the person I am today. I feel like since I first started listening to Wallsocket, I’ve gotten closer to who I truly am and who I want to be. It’s really great that I’ve discovered this part of me right before my 18th birthday, it just feels really special. There are seriously so many layers to what her musical actually means to me. In countless underscores songs (not just from Wallsocket), I feel so deeply represented in ways that I have never felt before in any kind of media. Also, I’ve noticed that underscores’ music and her as an artist has given me a strange amount of confidence in my identity and my looks. Since getting into underscores I’ve also discovered a world of new music that I am so grateful for. I’ve gotten into Jane Remover, kmoe, Tiffany Day, Ninarichu, and I’m having so much fun finding more artists.
When I used to listen to older artists and bands, I used to occasionally feel a lot of dread when thinking about how music that was released a long time ago would never be recreated. I mean, you can’t really make 70s music in 2026 (I think I just miss ABBA right now).
underscores is actually releasing a new album on March 20! 4 days before my birthday and 1 day before prom! The album is titled U and 3 out of 9 songs have been released as singles — “Music”, “Do It”, and “Tell Me (U Want It)”. I love all of these tracks so much. I’m so unbelievably excited for U, because I almost know for a fact that I will love all of the songs, if not, learn to love them. I’ve never actually anticipated new music before. Even when I was into Chappell Roan as deep as I was, I wasn’t dying for “Subway” or “The Giver” to be released. This is almost completely new to me.
Also, underscores is going on a North American tour to promote U! Even better? I bought tickets to one of the concerts! This will be my first concert ever and it’s for my favorite artist. I’m unbelievably excited and I already know this experience (U being released, my birthday, and the concert) will be so special to me in the future.
In the social media post I mentioned earlier, I also described how it felt “disgustingly intimate” to recommend Wallsocket to anyone because “I held it so close to my heart”. I’ve definitely been able to distance myself at least a little bit from an album that one, I do not own and two, millions of people have listened to. Now I can proudly say that if you like hyperpop or electronic music or if I just interested you in how passionate I am about underscores, I would recommend that you listen to Wallsocket. And then U when it releases.
Wow, I’m really proud of myself for not mentioning my big fat crush on underscores and keeping myself focused on her music. She’s literally so gorgeous.
I didn’t look hard enough to find a spot for this small section I really wanted to add last minute, so I want to talk about my favorite underscores songs here. From fishmonger, my favorite songs are “70%”, “Second hand embarrassment”, and “Dry land 2001”. And from boneyard aka fearmonger, my favorites are “Girls and boys” and “Heck”. Out of the new songs in Wallsocket (Director’s Cut), my favorite is “Stupid (Can’t run from the urge)”, even though I mentioned “CCTV” earlier, it’s not my favorite but it is really special to me. From U, the songs that have been released are all great, but my favorite is “Do It”, I just think it’s a perfect track. And if I had to choose one song from Wallsocket even though I really can’t pick a favorite, I would choose “You don’t even know who I am” and I’m not elaborating.
Anyway, stream U on March 20, have fun at prom, happy early birthday to me, and catch me with my fishmonger lightstick at an underscores concert this summer!!!
Since Christmas, I’ve been making it a goal to be more disconnected from my phone, and social media. I know it’s not that original of an aim, but I think that I’ve been doing pretty well with it. With how purposefully addictive technology has been designed, I’m trying to take back my attention span, because it’s completely shot. I find that I can barely pay attention to a book for as long as I used to. Now, I can’t say I’m going completely analog because that’s nearly impossible in this day and age and it would be incredibly hypocritical saying that on an online blog post, especially when so many aspects of my life are online, but I’m doing my best to minimize my time on social media specifically. I’ve implemented a lot of tools to do so, like using single-purpose tech instead of the swiss army knife lodged in my gut all the time (my phone). I’ve disabled all of my notifications except for texts, calls, and emails, and I’ve set up a grey-scale filter on my screen so that my phone looks just as soul-sucking as it feels. I’ve also installed an app called OLauncher that is designed to remove all of the colorful app icons that distract me so easily. It’s set up so that I only have 5 apps readily available on my homescreen, and the rest are hidden in a tray, all formatted as lists so that there’s no pretty images to grab my attention. I’ve also Marie Kondo’ed my apps. Anything that is not a genuinely helpful tool has been removed from my phone, no games, no shopping apps, nothing except for what I actively use every day. If I don’t use it in more than a week, I delete it and redownload it again in the future if I need to.
Another thing I’ve done is I’ve bought myself an off-brand IPod to keep all of my music on. I’ve cancelled my subscriptions and have started buying my music myself. It’s much more costly, I’ll admit, but at the end of the day, I’ll never lose the license to access music that I truly own. Buying off of apps like Bandcamp also comes with the added bonus of knowing that I’m directly supporting the artists I’m listening to, rather than a monthly fee being divvied up into fractions of a cent for each artist I listen to, with the lion’s share going to a corporation. While it’s not a perfect system, I really enjoy having so much agency over things that mean so much to me. I’m also very excited about the personalization I’ve done. While the Innioasis Y1 is a great device out of the box, I’ve downloaded a program called RockBox. RockBox is designed to bring new life to old IPods, but since it’s main goal is accessibility and improvement, it has been developed for the Y1 as well!
Going analog is completely impossible for me currently, but I’m doing my best to be more mindful about my media consumption and tech interactions. I’ve noticed that I’m much less pessimistic than I used to be because of it, and I’m so much more okay with missing a text or a phone call when it used to make me panic. This really felt like a slap to the face when I remember what every mom on earth has said to their child: “It’s that damn phone.” I really do think that we have the power to step away from being mindless phone zombies, if we’ll only try. I hope this inspires you to be a little bit more present in your life and set down the phone once in a while.
I’ve written about the new year about three different times, and I don’t think I’m going to stop anytime soon, even a month in. 2026 is going to be my biggest year yet: I’m graduating high school, I’m starting college, I’m traveling, and– I’m graduating high school?
I’ve heard the phrase “Class of 2026” for as long as I can remember, but I didn’t understand what it actually meant until elementary school.
“Class of 2026 means you’re graduating in the year 2026,” my extremely patient teacher told me probably after I walked up to her during recess.
“What’s graduating?” I probably asked her, like an idiot.
“It’s when you’re done with school and maybe go to college.”
“Why would we do that?”
I already knew I was going to become the girl that I am today: terrified of growing up and unhealthily attached to the past. When I turned eight, I thought I wanted to be six years old forever. And then I turned ten and wanted to be eight years old forever. That continued until I became a teenager and realized I would never want to live in objectively the worst, most awkward stage of my life any longer than I had to.
But I couldn’t fathom a time in my life where I didn’t go to school. Obviously I knew adults that were out of school with jobs and kids, but I never imagined that being me. I thrived off of getting good grades, taking notes, and showing off my report card. So I became terrified of graduating and with that, the phrase “Class of 2026”. I would hold back tears when the teacher went on long rants about preparing us for college and I would cover my ears when my friends talked about how excited they were to graduate.
I avoided the phrase until middle school when I decided that 2026 was so far away there was no reason to worry about it in the first place. I shrugged off the phrase whenever it was mentioned and I breezed through middle school only focusing on the present. I’d say it was an alright time. Then high school arrived…
I was in concert band, so I got the chance to meet and get close to seniors as a freshman. And in May, I attended a graduation ceremony for the first time. It was only when I was sitting in the second row of woodwinds, clutching my oboe in my sweaty hands, in the middle of playing “Pomp and Circumstance”, I realized that I would be walking that same stage in less than four years. That’s when the fear came back.
I would get nauseous when I imagined myself in a cap and gown and, again, I would cover my ears when my friends talked about how excited they were to graduate. It was like I slipped right back into the elementary school version of myself – terrified of growing up, constantly avoiding the phrase. But I couldn’t stop time, so my sophomore year came and went, then I left to come to MSA.
I certainly feel different about graduating now. Not only am I going to be walking across a completely different stage, but I’m actually excited to graduate. I don’t mean MSA isn’t serving me anymore, it’s not like that at all. I really enjoy being at MSA and I wouldn’t have it any other way. I mean the future has so much that I’m extremely excited for. And graduating is the first step to getting closer to that.
I would shock my elementary school self by saying that I’m completely comfortable with the idea of graduating, maybe even my middle school self too. I don’t avoid it, brush it off, or completely crumble at the thought of it anymore. I’m equally as happy with the present as I am excited for the future. There is so much here and there is so much waiting for me at the same time. After hearing “Class of 2026” my whole life, and having very complicated feelings about it, I’m excited to confront the phrase head on by taking it to heart and holding it above my head when I walk across that stage in May.
I originally meant for this to be more on my feelings about 2026 and what it’s like being a part of the Class of 2026. I think, somehow, I hit the target enough to be happy with this and what I’ve said. There’s a lot to be said about the time passing between first discovering what Class of 2026 actually meant and now finally earning that title but I highly doubt I’m emotionally ready to go in depth about that. But it’s really beautiful when you can actively watch yourself change and see how much you’ve grown. I hope I continue to be this conscious of my growth and the way time passes when I enter, and eventually graduate, college. Honestly, I just can’t wait for my brain to fully develop and travel, have my own place, and achieve all my goals. I think I just dislike being a teenager, which is weird. If you asked 16-year-old Steph anything, she would tell you about how much she loved being a teen girl completely unprompted. It’s really funny the way we change in such a short amount of time.
My dog gave birth to seven puppies in September. While I was away at school my mom sent me a photo of her and I was shocked to see a small pile of black and white puppies laying under her, feeding. Of course, I couldn’t see the puppies until a few weeks after they were born, but when I finally got a chance to see them, I was ecstatic.
The puppies were unbelievably cute! I played with them in the pin my parents built for them in the backyard. When I picked one up and held it in my arms, I was saddened to see it covered in fleas. I knew my family couldn’t afford flea treatments for seven dogs, but I didn’t want the puppies to suffer. To help with their fleas I gave each dog a bath. I put them in a plastic tub my family didn’t use anymore and rinsed them with soap and water. As I continued to clean them, I discovered more fleas. Clusters of them were living in their fur, around their necks, and in the crevices of their legs.
I couldn’t imagine how uncomfortable it was for the puppies. I took an old hair comb we never used anymore and attempted to comb as many fleas out of their fur as I could. The process was long, and even with the flea comb, I couldn’t get nearly as many fleas out as I would have liked. When I finished washing and combing them, they piled into a corner of their pin. They cuddled and slept for a few hours, and thankfully it was hot enough outside that they could dry without getting super cold.
But I couldn’t stop thinking about how I could help them without financially burdening my parents. So, I searched the internet for safe at home remedies to help lessen fleas for puppies. I found a lot of good remedies and some questionable ones, but I was hopeful that a specific remedy would work. I decided on this water and white vinegar mix that many dog owners said worked for their dogs. I was extra careful to avoid their faces when I sprayed them with the mixture. It was noon when I sprayed them, so I knew they wouldn’t be at risk for hypothermia. (it was cold outside and young puppies aren’t good at creating their own warmth)
When I inspected them a few hours later, I saw a big decrease in their fleas! I could already tell the puppies were more comfortable and they were more playful too. Although the mixture did not work as well for some of them, I was happy that I could help in any way. I’m still looking for better remedies. Hopefully ones that don’t make them smell like vinegar…
Also, a more current update, my parents found homes for four of the puppies! The other three are still with us and are healthy. I’m thankful. I’m also hopeful that we’ll give the other ones away to owners who care about them. Aside from my dogs, January has been a nice month. Since I’ve begun applying for colleges, I’ve worried a lot about what the next few years will look like. Spending time with my family and pets has been an amazing way to take my mind off things. It has also reminded me of how far I’ve come as a person. In the past two years or so my life has changed drastically, from losing two of my closest relatives to moving away from home. Despite all of this, I’m grateful for the change, and I believe it has helped me become a better version of myself.
In my last blog, I talked about college preparation and how I had somewhat of an idea of my future and how I knew I wanted to move out with a friend and live off campus from the University of South Carolina. But I also stated at the beginning that one day I would look back at that blog and see how different things worked out. Now, just as I predicted, my plans have almost completely changed.
I realize now that I am not made for being in one place. My freedom is something I hold very dear to me, but right now it feels restricted. I have spent years waiting for the day I graduate so I don’t have to be tied down by the title of teenager or student. It feels very inferior to me, and I know that I am more than just that. And I also know that there is more to life that just being told what to do and how to do it. So, after all this waiting, why would I subject myself to go to a place that’s going to make me work like a dog for the rest of my life just to pay it off. College, though I understand its importance, is just another cage to me now. I do not want to spend so much money on something that gets me nothing. I do not want to be one of those people who spent four years working on a degree just to not be able to find a job anywhere and have to pay off debt for the rest of my life. It would all be a waste. I understand many don’t see it that way, but I do.
I have a primary plan right now that I cannot talk about yet, so if it doesn’t work out, I have a backup plan that is just as good to me. The world is full of beauty, and I want to find it all. When I graduate, I want to move to South Carolina with my father and work on a project with him. After a lot of working and saving, I plan to buy a van so me and him can renovate it for living capabilities. I wouldn’t need much. Just a bed with storage space under, an electric generator or solar panels (most like not solar panels), and whatever else I find I may need. Once this project is done, I am on the road. My first destination is New York City. I have dreamed of seeing it my entire life, no matter how many people say it’s not all that. I’ve been jotting down the places I want to go in New York, allowing me to learn a lot of cool things about the area.
After New York, I will start heading up and down the U.S. going through all 50 states. This will obviously be over the course of a year or two. While doing this, I plan to work a freelance job in journalism while writing a book and documenting my travel. Once I’m done with the U.S. it is time for the world tour. That’s likely to be planned a lot later.
I understand that this is somewhat unrealistic and kind of crazy, but I know that in today’s world, it is better to chase your dreams than try to make money. And the price of college in just as unrealistic in my opinion. I hope this made sense. There is so much more but then this would be one-hundred pages long. If you want to know more feel free to ask me about it.
