What Your Favorite KISS Album says about You (A Brutally Honest Review)

• Mini Content Warning: Towards the end of this blog, there is a picture of a clown (it’s on an album cover) so if you have a fear of clowns, please view with caution.

1. KISS (1974)
   You know what your like. This album has some classic hits that hold up as undeniable bangers. You will be allowed the aux during the family road trip. You are also probably the one driving during said road trip because you’re either a man over the age of 40, or the child of said man. You probably love all the classics, and I’d go as far to say your taste is justified. You’re less judgmental than most people with alternative music taste; you’d never try to call out a poser for wearing a KISS shirt. 

2. Hotter Than Hell (1974)

There is no way you’re younger than 35. The music on this album isn’t bad by any means, but there’s a reason we only really hear about one KISS album coming out in 1974. 

3. Dressed To Kill (1975)

You’re probably over 30 and I’m almost positive you’ve told your wife the songs on this album remind you of her. There will always be something romantic about hair metal bands singing about women who are way out of their league. I respect you, but you’re not getting the aux on a road trip. Maybe I’ll pass the aux if we’re driving to a party though.

4. Destroyer (1976)

Once again, you’re a father who remembers KISS from the good ol’ days of his youth. I bet you have some insane tattoos and an even cooler truck. I’d feel safe in an elevator with me. I bet you own a Harley, too. 

5. Rock And Roll Over (1976)

You’ve worked at a bar, probably as a waitress, and you have a pure hatred for people who loop songs on the jukebox. You’ve got a bunch of tiny tattoos, and you’ve kept all of your clothes from your teenage years. I bet you’ve got some of the craziest stories from your youth. You only wear unconventional lipstick shades- bright pinks, purples, maybe blue or green. 

6. Love Gun (1977)

You’re me? Almost all of the songs on this album are on every one of my Spotify playlists. You’re getting the aux for the whole road trip.

7. Solo Albums; Paul Stanley, Peter Criss, Ace Frehley, Gene Simmons (all 1978)

Tell me you have a favorite band member without telling me. If Gene Simmons is your favorite, you’re getting kicked out of the car in the middle of our road trip.

8. Dynasty (1979)

You’re ALSO me?? Just kidding. Kind of. But I do trust you with the aux. You like the original sound and you’re generally just a cool dude.

9. Unmasked (1980)

At this point in the KISS timeline, I’m starting to doubt if you actually like this album or if you just want to be quirky and different. You’re either a 20 y/o film bro trying to impress the goth girl he likes, or a 40 y/o who goes out to bars just to request the live band to play music from your childhood.

10. Music From “The Elder” (1981)

Have you ever played DND? Just kidding, I know the answer is yes. How many spare character sheets do you have laying around your house? How many campaigns have you written? I don’t trust you with the aux, but I am calling you up for DND nights.

11. Creatures Of The Night (1982)

You get the aux, but you are NOT allowed to drive. You have multiple tickets for speeding, and you have gotten far too many DUIs to be allowed in a car. You’re cool but you probably were a teen in the 80s and I know you did a fair bit of shoplifting. Good for you, I guess. Stick it to the man.

12. Lick It Up (1983)

You’re a man with a lower back tattoo. You were huge in the queer club scene of the 80s-90s, and I want to hear every story you have to tell. 

13. Animalize (1984)

You’re, once again, over the age of 40. Your favorite color is purple, and your house is covered in animal print. You own far too many expensive, vintage liquors. You’ve paid for your grandchildren’s college tuitions decades in advance. You wear sunglasses and leather jackets till the day you die of liver failure. You’re unmarried but by choice. I don’t trust you behind the wheel, but you get the aux.

14. Asylum (1985)

This is hard. You’re either a sleazebag I never want to be in the same room as, or you’re just lying, and this isn’t your favorite album. Either way, you love Gene Simmons and you’re not getting in my car.

15. Crazy Nights (1987)

You were a kid during the 80s, teen during the 90s. You had an older sibling who was a total badass during the 80s and you wanted to be them so badly. You found your identity in the 90s and moved to a bigger city. You became emersed in the club scene and probably ended up as an extra in multiple block busters. Speaking of block busters and movies in general, you’re working in film today. Maybe you’re an actor, maybe you’re a director. Either way, your older sibling is proud of you.

16. Hot In The Shade (1989)

Stop lying, this isn’t your favorite album.

17. Revenge (1992)

You’re probably a hardcore metal fan who only got into KISS through bands like Judas Priest and Motley Crue. You appreciate the shift from glam rock to a more hardcore sound. I don’t completely trust your judgment, but I can see where you’re coming from. 

18. Carnival of Souls: The Final Sessions (1997)

I feel like you didn’t realize you were listening to KISS the first time you heard this album. You probably love Nirvana, Slipknot, System of a Down, even Deftones. You like the slower and more mellow tunes. You were probably an emo teen when this album came out. I respect you and your ancient Myspace account.

19. Psycho Circus (1998)

You’ve either never listened to original KISS albums, or you just don’t enjoy glam rock. I don’t entirely trust your judgment, but I’d trust you with the aux for at least four to five songs.

20. Sonic Boom (2009)

You like it for what it represents. You were a KISS super fan in your youth, and you were proud to see they planned to continue making music in the 2000s. You’re, again, probably over 40, a father, and a gym regular. I respectfully will not give you the aux, but I will allow you to suggest music from the back seat.

21. Monster (2012)

I refuse to believe this is your absolute favorite album. I think you’re just nostalgic for what the band used to be. You miss biking to the record store to see if they have the newest KISS vinyl. You miss all the band shirts you don’t fit into anymore. You miss who you were when you first discovered the band. You miss your long hair, your jean leather vest, your studded boots. You’re a real one.