Young dreams

What would you do if your child thought they were a monster? How do you explain emotions, feelings, things that are bound to happen: pain, love, loss, life, to one so young? You don’t. Or you do and hope they turn out alright. There is no proven way to grow up. Pain is necessary. Love is subjective. Children are incredibly programmable. 

I think about the things I was taught when I was young and wonder how many of my beliefs were chosen by me, and how many were simply handed to me before I knew I could question them.

I believe I am responsible for everything in my life. That is a belief I have chosen in recent years (and am still working on). Not necessarily because I caused everything, but because if I take responsibility for what has happened for me, there is no one left to blame. I am not a victim of anything. It works for me.

Everything is as it should be. Even the things I don’t like. Even the things I disagree with. There doesn’t have to be a “should.” Everything is subject to change, and that’s okay. If I want to change anything at all, I have to change something within myself.

Maybe that is why I try to avoid spending too much of my energy obsessing over all the ‘wrong’ that can exist. I do not believe any good would come out of me dropping everything to hyper-fixate on problems I cannot immediately solve. I also want to reach a point where I can observe what I consider wrong in this world without feeling the need to fight against its existence. Just things to notice, accept if I can, and let go of.

I want everything to flow smoothly.

But do I?

Occasionally I imagine a life where nothing is ‘wrong’ and it sounds unbearably uneventful. Maybe that’s a limiting thought. Fun, dramatic, beautiful things can happen without disasters. A life can be eventful without being painful. But sometimes it sounds like a nice break.

Speaking of breaks, there is escapism.

I wish I could drown everything out. I don’t fully know why. Some part of me does, probably, but I don’t want to deal with that any time soon. Denial. I don’t know how long I’ve been doing this.

I have spent so much time trying to understand whether I want to be here, whether I want to stay happy, whether I want anything at all.

I want to be content. Whole. Alive. I sometimes mistake detachment for peace. And sometimes it is. But I think there is something in me that wants success, certainty, more life. I realize those are normal human desires. But at the same time there is a part of me that would just love to not feel anything. Not want anything. Not even numbness. Just free. But maybe that’s why I am here. To learn and accept.

I can’t make sense of a lot of my thoughts most of the time. Or I just don’t want to. I’m trying to improve that. Trying to grab them more often and solidify them in front of me so I can look at what’s actually going on inside of me and deal with it rather than keep pushing it around and away.

I’m just trying to figure myself out and not only have little glimpses of realization only to overthink it all and drift back to inceptions. I need to remind myself that it is okay to stay adrift for a while though, as long as I eventually find some grounding path. 

I don’t have a coherent idea of what I’m doing with my life yet, but I’m still here, still questioning, still choosing to keep going, and even if I don’t figure it all out it will still be worth it. I choose to believe so.

I don’t know why this is what my thoughts spilled into but I’m glad I got this out of me. Thank you.