Category: Junior Literary

Lately my mind has been running wild. I can’t think straight. I don’t know what I want and I really don’t know what I need.  Everything in me wants what I need to be him, but I know it’s not. I’m tired of being treated like dirt, I’m tired of forgiving him, I’m tired of encouraging him to be better when he won’t even listen.

My words don’t matter to him and I have to accept that. I’m not this thing that he can play with anymore. I am a person. I need to learn how to love myself more than I ever loved him. I know that I can do that. Eventually. Right now is just so hard.

I can’t force him to change, I can’t make him “better” and my thinking that is nothing short of naïve. I guess the reason why I can’t stop hurting is because I gave so much to him. I gave him everything. Yet, because of all this, I feel like it wasn’t enough. I feel like I’m not enough. I feel like I’ll never be enough for anyone.

I know I seem dramatic and immature, but he was my first love. He keeps coming back and messing with my head over and over and I never seem to learn my lesson. I know I have to be strong. I have to cut him off. I have to stop.

I just hate this feeling and I’m ready for it to go away. I hope one day I have someone who appreciates me and loves me as much as I love them. And if I don’t get that, I just hope that I can learn how to truly love myself and not have this need to have another person tell me my worth.

 

There is a reason behind my isolation. I never sleep easy because I am afraid of the next broken friendship. Tears, falling like rain– because I see the broken promises running away, one by one.  A lot of people may not cherish the bonds that are established between them and others, but I do. I pay it much attention. When in all reality, it could be anyone of us to go at any moment and we will be stuck with that last negative thought. We live in a world where popularity over rules authenticity. Although I do not like this, I cannot be the only one to change it. But, what I can change is who I associate myself with. So, from this point on, my focus is thriving mentally, physically, and emotionally. I will no longer make time for the incapabilities of those who do not wish to not give up on our friendship when times get rough. I am not asking a lot of people when it comes to friendships because they are a give and take, just like a romantic relationship. With this new environment, comes new responsibilities. I refuse to surrender myself to negativity. I have to work harder in all aspects of my life. With that, I must have people on my side who are understanding of that and are willing to do the same. I want people around me who are all going for the same goal. That goal is to become better, at everything. I have allowed too many people to alter my mind, negatively, throughout the past couple of years. I have not been as vocal as I used to be about it, but those days are over.  I am ready to take on every challenge and implement God every step of the way. If you are in for the long run, ready, set, let’s go! If not, it was fun while it lasted. Thank you for your time and your lessons. May God forever bless you and your family.

This weekend was so carbonated. My mother, best friend, cousin, and boyfriend all teamed up and threw me a surprise birthday party. It was the sweetest thing. I knew about it the entire time, but its just the fact that they put the effort in to do something special for me.

Some of my friends from my old school came. That was a big surprise. It was hilarious when I went to walk into my room, and he walked out, looked right at me, turned back into my room, and slammed my door in my face. Apparently, I had gifts and people in my room. That includes my boyfriend and my cousin.

When the twins from South Pike showed up (Neveah and Destiny) I was blown away. I hadn’t seen them in a good four months, and I hadn’t realized how much I missed them. My best friend was in charge of the guest list, and I’m really grateful she went to the extent of bringing people she knew I would want to see.

My big brother came with his fiancé. He was just as annoying and embarrassing as usual, but I just let it happen. I never see the idiot anymore, and I suppose I miss the rough-housing a little bit. To top it off, he got me a polaroid camera! I was so freaking happy. I have been wanting one for ages now. I barely see him, yet he still knew what to get me.

My future step dad’s family came. His mother gave me a plague that she painted a feather pen on to symbolize my writing. He gave me a beautiful necklace with my name engraved on it. It was all so thoughtful, and I am so grateful.

My best friend showed me how much she really knows me. she bought me a pair of unicorn slippers and a cacti covered wallet. It was so sweet. I had mentioned my want for the two items to her before, but she took it to new extent and really showed me how much she pays attention.

It was a great party, and I truly enjoyed myself. I love everyone who came, and I am forever grateful to my mother, best friend, cousin, and boyfriend for going through all that trouble and caring for me so much that they’d do this for me. I couldn’t ask for better people in my life.

It is dark, it is late. My heart cannot be replaced. My smile, it is fake. The clothes are a cover. A cover for a love that I cannot get over. I am hurt, mentally and emotionally. I will never shed a tear about it though. Because besides the hurt and the anger you’ve brought into my life, I still love you. Yes, I’m unhappy. But, I guess this will just make me tougher. But where do broken hearts go? I wish I knew.

I am about to lose control! Not just for me, but for you too. I do now want to be on a love high, but I do now want to live this low either. I just want to be…. HAPPY!

My days are sunny now, but I know I will not be feeling like this much longer. See, it is gone already. Normally, when I am in an okay place, just thinking of the actions you have taken to change my life, and not for the better, infuriates me. That is why I wrote this. The craziness, I don’t need it. My heart is filled with grief. The hurt is still there. My love and kindness, you’ll never find again. No one could EVER compare. Where do broken hearts go? I wish I knew.

I am about to lose control! Not just for me, but for you too. I do not want to be on a love high, but I do not want to live this low either. I just want to be…. HAPPY!

I honestly thought I would find that happiness with you. Well, you would be a great actor because you had me fooled as if you would love me forever. I wonder who it was that convinced you that they would be a better companion to you than I would. I would love to meet them. I cannot be that upset though because that just shows your ignorance. You would rather live your life entertaining someone who would make you feel good, in that moment, rather than love someone who would love and/or worship the ground you walk on. I will never understand.

I am about to lose control! Not just for me, but for you too. I do not want to be on a love high, but I do not want to live this low either. I just want to be…. HAPPY!

 

I feel like I’m falling to pieces.

I miss him, though I know I don’t need him.

Forcing myself to not text him

Or talk to him

Or think of him

Has proven itself harder than anything I’ve ever done.

I think what hurts the most

Is that losing me hasn’t hurt him

Or at least, it hasn’t yet.

I’m so tired of crying.

I’m so tired of this brick in my chest.

I can’t make any of it go away.

He was my world

And now he’s just gone,

Like he was never there to begin with.

And now I feel like I’m not good enough

And I wonder what makes her better than me.

Is it her laugh?

Her weight?

Do her eyes shine brighter than mine?

I don’t know.

All I know is

Is that this hurts

And that I want to go a little crazy.

Kiss so many different guys that I can’t even remember your name.

I’m ready for this to be over.

 

Over the summer, I made it a point to read as much as I could. I had a goal in mind before I started school: to read some of Shakespeare’s most popular works. I bought about five of his plays from Amazon; specifically, I read the SparkNotes’ “No Fear Shakespeare” versions (if you want to read Shakespeare and have a hard time understanding the language, I highly recommend this, because it puts an easy-to-read translation of the original text right beside each other, and you don’t have to spend fifteen minutes trying to understand what each word means).

I read Macbeth, Romeo and Juliet, Hamlet, and Much Ado About Nothing. My expectations for these plays were low: I didn’t expect myself to be able to understand what was happening the first time I read through them. However, I ended up exceeding my expectations. I enjoyed reading these plays, and I was quickly able to understand them entirely.

I read most of these plays while I was on a mission trip to Honduras, because I had a lot of time to read when I wasn’t doing bible school or doing a water run to one of the nearby villages. And just like that, I was enraptured by the worlds that these plays contained. I often found myself whisked away so much that I would sometimes miss the call that dinner was ready until someone pulled me away.

My favorite, by far, was Hamlet. I know that sounds like a somewhat stereotypical thing to say, but it’s the complete truth of the matter. My mind was enraptured by the story. I made it a point to myself to try to memorize his “To be, or not to be” monologue- I never succeeded, but I got pretty far.

I started to find that, over time, those plays gave me a new outlook on my creative nature. They turned on the creative switch in my mind, and I was all for it. I wrote as much as I could in that week, and I found myself making some pretty decent progress in my world-building efforts. Through these hundred year old stories, I found a new spark of energy.

I think I’ll keep reading more and more of his works. Maybe I can read some of the historical plays, or find more of his comedies. I feel like his words would definitely help as I go on this journey to find my true creative spark- but a little boost from Shakespeare wouldn’t hurt.

Those late, summer nights,

have always given me the best memories.

We’d sneak out and go to a field,

just watching the stars,

talking all night long.

You’d tell me about you’re movie star dreams,

And your mile long bucket list.

Your car always smelled like pizza,

It made sense because you worked a summer job at Papa John’s.

I miss getting free bread sticks,

and listening your bizarre stories about your co-workers.

I loved those nights the most,

when we would eat out at Waffle House,

because it was the only place open in our old farm town.

Remember when we saw my mom’s best friend there,

and had to leave before she recognized us?

That was so funny,

now that I’m looking back on it.

We got so scared even though she probably wouldn’t have cared.

Oh, and the cliche walks on the beach.

How huge of a crush I had on you,

Just wondering if you felt the same for me.

When you held me close,

you smelled like a fresh cappuccino,

waiting on my marble kitchen counter.

It made me feel secure and protected,

from the breathtaking darkness around us.

I remember the night time crickets,

would attempt to hoodwink our perfect nights.

We were smart enough to not let them phase us,

but dumb enough to let them get a scare out of us.

We knew if our parents ever found out where we were,

we would be forever looked down on.

Forever chastised.

I’d be forced to never see you again,

but we would just go through the same routine,

we’ve been doing for months.

But like any great love fling,

they all die.

Our love was thrown in the gutter,

with the rest of the summer lovers.

Looking back, those nights were so wicked.

Breaking into hotel swimming pools,

and screaming out the window at the top of our lungs.

I know I don’t see you now,

and I want you to know I’m doing quite swell.

Just remember to swing around the back way to my house,

when the summer nights revolve around us again.

All I really want to do right now is sleep, read, and listen to music. I’m in such a blank mood right now, I can barely think. I left my earbuds back in my dorm, so I can’t focus on that while typing. I nearly froze to death in my first block this morning. At this point, I just want to sleep. I messed up and didn’t sleep until two in the morning, so I’m running on four hours of sleep, which is what I’m normally accustomed to, but it’s different here.  During the summer, I stayed up until at least 3 every night, but now I’ve been going to be around 12 or 1 so I’m slowly getting used to sleeping for at least five hours over four. Boy, does that one hour make a difference. I crashed during first block, so I’ll probably take a nap during fifth block. But that’d just lead to another night of scrolling through Instagram on my phone until two. It becomes a cycle, an annoying one. 

Sleep sounds good right now, but can’t exactly sleep in class unless I want to fail so… Guess I’ll just force myself to stay up then. I need my own personal Mr. Sandman. Just so I can sleep at night. Nothing keeps me up except the quiet and overactive thoughts. I’ve tried to look up some ways to remedy that, but they haven’t worked for me yet. So I’ll just stay up on my phone until I pass out while texting a friend or while reading. 

At one point, I couldn’t go to bed without music playing, and not classical music or anything labelled as ‘sleep music.’ I would listen to pop or rock music instead, and often times, I could hear the songs in my dreams. I vaguely remember having a dream about Cody Simpson singing “Pretty Brown Eyes” because that’s what was playing on the music channel. I’ve graduated from listening to music to just playing around on my phone until I conk out for the night. That’s probably not a good tactic honestly, but it works for now, I guess.  

On the topic of sleep (or rather lack of), one of my favorite bands, Set It Off, has a song called “I’ll Sleep When I’m Dead.” When I listen to it, the song feels like it’s about insomnia. A man just pacing back and forth in his room as the world around him sleeps. Of course, a big clue of what the song’s about is probably when the singer says “All insomniacs please raise your right hand, and kindly repeat after me: ‘I guess I’ll sleep when I am dead!” But you don’t get to that part for a while, so you have to draw your own conclusion. Anyways, because of that song, I actually started a story called Insomnia, but it’s not about true insomnia. I’ll have to work on that some. That’ll be my goal for today, but that’s all I have to say for now. Ciao! 

Recently I’ve been listening to the same song over and over again. its called “Courtship of the Mermaid.” In the song, the narrator is trying to win over a mermaid by throwing multiple pizza’s at her.

This song, for some reason, reminds me of myself. I would definitely throw an entire pizza at a mermaid if i got the chance. Also, I would love to have pizza thrown at me. Any free pizza is good pizza. Like, if you’re trying to win me over, get me an entire pizza. Pepperoni more specifically.

What kind of pizza do you think mermaids like? I can only think of seaweed pizza, but I’m not sure if that’s a thing. Mermaids probably would have never had pizza. or, not one like ours. they cant have tomatoes and cheese and bread underwater. what if they’re all lactose intolerant? we wouldn’t know. then their stomachs would hurt from all that cheese on the pizza.

Plus, youre not suppesed to swim after eating, so wouldnt we technically be paralyzing them for rougly 15 minutes? this would increase the number of mermaids captured and killed. we cant allow this to happen.

Are there other creatures we can throw pizzas at? Yes! Throwing a pizza at a werewolf that’s chasing you will temporarily stun them, giving you more time to run away. I’m sure you can make some gremlins day by throwing a pizza under a bridge. Fairies would never be hungry again if you gave them an entire pizza. you’d essentially have fed and saved a variety of woodland mythical creatures, making you a hero.

Can you imagine your gravestone saying “hero to all, bless our pizza savior,” because i totally can. for hundreds of years after that, people would leave pizza at your grave as a sign of respect. Towns would make statues of you holding a box of pizza. They would write books about you. The creatures would learn about you in school. Heck, you might even get an entire musical written about you. You would live on for decades just by ordering a couple of $5 hot and ready pizzas.

You just cant throw pizzas at mermaids

 

I am trying. I promise you that I am. I have been doing my breathing exercises every morning before I get out of bed and wake my roommates. I have been taking my medications mostly everyday. I have been allowing myself to cry. These are all things I have always struggled with. I never really wanted to accept that I had a problem, despite my constant writing about it. I truly wanted to believe there was nothing wrong with me, and even when I did accept it, I didn’t want to do anything about it. I just wanted to live normally without having to pace myself. Now I am in this environment, and I am beginning to realize its importance.

You see, I have psychogenic non-epileptic seizures, also know as pseudo seizures. If you do not know what this is, it consists of getting overwhelmed and losing consciousness. It isn’t a constant thing for me. It happens every few months or maybe every few weeks if I am at a bad place in my head. It is really scary for not only me but for the people around me as well. I am aware of this, so I have been trying my absolute best to stay calm and underwhelmed. I never realized how hard doing just that is. Especially when I obsess over every little thing. Sometimes I can feel myself starting to get light headed and nauseous, and my natural reaction is to stress about stressing. I try to force myself to calm down even though I know forcing it will only make it worse. It is really hard. I am almost scared to feel anything at this point.

Sometimes in class I will start over-thinking about what I am going to say. This is something completely normal for me, but now the expectations are so high. I find myself stressing about small details like vocabulary or structure of my response even though it’s verbal. It’s completely pointless, but I can’t help it. This will lead to my mind falling blank and a wave of dizziness trying to take me down. If you ever see me staring at nothing with a blank expression on my face, I am probably trying to stabilize myself. Some say I go extremely pale, I’m not sure. This is the warning, especially if I am standing up, that I might faint.

The situation does not really affect me too much. Yes, I have to be very careful about my reaction to things, but I have pretty much trained myself to stabilize when necessary. I just need to get used to the new environment and all the responsibility I now hold. Once I finally relax, I shouldn’t have to worry so much about sending people into chaos because of a stress seizure.