Author: Lillian Denney

I don’t really have a specific topic to talk about in this blog, it’s kind of just me emptying my brain in a somewhat coherent way.

Recently, I’ve been having really traumatic nightmares, not your typical “oogie boogie”, rather, things that are so mentally scarring they feel like a real burden I carry.  It is mainly a mix of traumatic events I have faced to create new traumatic events; which is absolutely not what I need. I have too much trauma as it is.  My brain hates me, it makes everything so much harder, why must it torment me in this way.

I’ve also gained a good bit of weight, which I am still very upset about.  I used to be overweight and that is the last thing I want to be again.  To make it worse, my psychiatrist says my face looks like I’ve gained, which was absolutely the last thing I wanted to hear.  I’m super self conscious about how much I weigh, but sometimes I can’t avoid eating junky food.  Like for basketball games we get fast food after away-games, and it’s pretty much that or being super hungry.  I really just want to have a flat stomach, I work out everyday but nothing ever seems to help.  Diets are pretty much guaranteed to fail, they are designed to take a few pounds off and then it comes right back, maybe even more.  I’m actually pretty happy with my body other than my persistent beer belly, even though I don’t drink beer.  I do crunches and sit-ups and all of that and nothing ever seems to help. I barely eat anything but my weight just goes up and up.  I don’t really drink soda or anything either, I carry around a water bottle and that’s pretty much all except maybe an Envy or two.  I know being a low weight number isn’t really that plausible with my height, but I just want to be able to wear my practice shirt without my stomach sticking out several inches from the rest of my body. It is so humiliating.  

Also, I have been feeling a lot more depressed lately. It might have to do something with the previous statements, but I also have started a new medicine that can cause worsening in depression symptoms. 

I just really want to be hugged tightly by someone and just let out a good cry.

TW: medical problems

So, you’d think after dealing with a deadly virus that my troubles would be over?  Nope!  As the universe decided to make this year just that much worse, I’ve been having severe abdominal pain for days.  So bad I didn’t want to eat much and couldn’t sleep.  So at first I was just thinking I ate something bad and should be better in a day or two.  Yeah, that didn’t happen.  Honestly my parents were unconcerned and told me to take some laxatives.   But of course that didn’t work because that would be too easy.  My mom finally got me an appointment with a doctor who thought I probably had appendicitis, which was something I was considering too.  I got the order to do bloodwork at the hospital and a CT scan with contrast.  Before I left they tested my urine to make sure it wasn’t just a stray bladder infection, and yeah that wasn’t it either.

So after struggling to get to the hospital as the normal entrance is not marked so I had to take the emergency entrance, I somehow managed to get myself there but bad luck seemed to follow me.  I had misplaced my sunglasses, the car wasn’t in the lines so I had to get back in the car and fix it, all in excruciating pain, then on my way into the hospital the ground sank beneath my white shoe coating it in mud.  When I finally found my mom at the hospital they were having trouble with the order because it was on paper and not digital.  When I finally got back to have my blood drawn the lady couldn’t find my vein in my elbow crease and asked if she could use my wrist, well I didn’t know that would be so much more painful so I said yes.  Also they had just gotten new needles and didn’t know how to work them so I was basically an unpaid geaniepig.  Not only did it hurt for her to try to find the vein, while they were drawing my blood I got pretty light headed.  Luckily they were nice and put a damp paper towel on my forehead and gave me some juice.  The fact I got lightheaded may sound wimpy but I am scared of needles and taking all that blood from a small vein was not the most pleasant experience.

While I was drinking my juice this older man comes in holding two big cups of some liquid.  He gives them to me and tells me to drink one now and one at six, it was contrast.  It taste like water he said (it did not taste like water).  It was so revolting it made me incredibly nauseous, with already having severe stomach pain, this didn’t help and I was honestly trying not to throw it back up.  I guess bodies don’t like drinking chemicals, who knew.  I had my mom bring my school stuff, but I was in to much pain to even think about doing it. When the guy finally comes back I was so ready to get this over with, I had been at the hospital for over 2 hours, and it seemed everyone else had pretty much all gone home.   He took me back to the room and had to insert a plastic IV, problem was he couldn’t get my freaking arm vein, so this fool goes threw my hand!  That crap hurt so bad.  I got in the machine and the first part went well, then he started putting the contrast in through the IV in my hand, the pain was practically unbearable it burned so bad; it legit felt like my hand was on fire.  I started crying and honestly screamed a little but the dude didn’t really seem to care how much he was hurting me and just continued like he enjoyed torturing me.  Then had the nerve to ask me after the scan when I was shaking and crying if I was ok.  Like no dude I came here to get better and am leaving with severely more pain than I started with. 

Apparently I breathed at “the wrong time” and so they couldn’t see the appendix but could see no other signs anything was wrong with it.  The only thing strange was a large mass blocking my colon, fun.  It wasn’t just like a little constipation though it was like actually causing it to dilate in size and stretch, which it doesn’t like too much.  The big question for me then was, I already took laxatives, and it didn’t work so, what now?  The answer: more laxatives, and that was pretty much my only option.   No matter how much I take, I still feel awful. I really don’t know what else to do.

PS: I am now back at school and am feeling a lot better.  I wish I could say I learned something from this experience, but the only thing I really learned is how to be forced to do work while feeling as though my internal organs were going to explode.  So I guess the takeaway is to push through the pain, it is temporary and you can get through it. 

TW: This blog contains mentions of suicide, death, and depression

Have you ever felt like you are the only barrier between someone living or taking their own life?  It is a horrible feeling to experience, especially when you cannot seem to convince them things get better.  Depression is a horrible mental illness, it makes everything seem dull and worthless, fake smiles, joyless laughter, emotionally dead.  This illness has plagued me and many others for many years, there is no way to experience it if you do not but its basically a world devoid of happiness, only numbness, sorrow, and anger.  

A lot of people dismiss depression as just a feeling of sadness that will pass, but this is a very inaccurate explanation.  Without treatment and/or counseling, depression will not get better.  It is a health condition, it effects your everyday life in more ways than you could ever understand.  

I have never been met with more despair than when one of my friends attempted suicide, and this being an online friendship I was not aware of her being saved until days after the event, the whole time of which I was hysterical.

Tonight, on this Wednesday, I am once again faced with having the same thing happen again; but I won’t let it, I can’t allow it to happen. Then it occurs to me that I am powerless. What can I do? No matter how much I beg or plead– tell them how great they are or how much I care about them, the despair of depression makes them believe everything you say is a lie.  Their own brain tells them they aren’t good enough, they don’t deserve anything, and there I sit, helplessly typing away messages to someone I would much rather be rushing to the side of, but yet, I’m here, trapped within my room. 

It’s a school night, a cleaning night, in fact, so we had to be on our floors at 9 pm, unable to leave. All I could do was try to type all my feelings into messages, just hoping they’d pick up on the other end. It is late and I’m emotionally and physically exhausted. I just needed to quiet my thoughts and release them a bit through this platform. 

If you have any advice for me it would be more than welcomed.  I honestly just feel so drained and hopeless, I hate to see someone falling into the depths of despair while I am left to sit and fester in my cage– sobbing– consoling as best as I know how.

So, I was gonna write about Halloween, my favorite holiday, but then I realized it wouldn’t be out in time, so unrelated story about me.  Well, this actually happened on Halloween, so somewhat related.  

I’m dressed in my Fran Bow costume, makeup done, just making tiktoks in my cosplay, ready for my school’s Halloween dance, when my phone rings.  Normally it would just be spam and I would decline the call but a name I recognized displayed on the screen.

The conversation was basically “Hello?’, “Hey”, “What do you want?”, “You doing anything tonight?”, “Not really, why?”, “Am I still on your pick up list?”, “Yeah.”, “Wanna hang out then?”  “Ok?”, “Alright, I’ll be there in 10, be ready, dress warm.”

Perplexed, I got my stuff together and went to check out, texting with him to figure out details.  At first they told me I couldn’t leave, I explained someone was picking me up from my drivers list, they asked if I had a parent email, of course the desk wanted to be difficult, even though he was on my driver’s list.  So, I call my mom and give a brief summary of what happened and asked her to send the email.  She is also confused because she already gave me permission to go with him.  But it ended up working out so whatever.

Anyways, I’m busy worried about what I’m gonna say. Should I be polite, should I demand an apology for being tossed out like garbage?  I had no idea.  So I walk outside and there he is, sitting on the bench.  I shyly greeted him and awkwardly walked to his car.  I open the door and a purge mask falls out. I pick it up and hand it to him, commenting on how it was cool and that I needed to watch that movie.  I then got into the car and we were off.  

On the way we just make small talk and once we get there the place is alive with light, people, and smells.  The rides were big and vivid.  We go up to the booth and each buy an armband and he helps me put mine on.  He asks me what I want to ride first and I ask what’s the best. He tells me his favorite and I tell him to lead the way.  As we make our way through the long fenced-in line I start to feel claustrophobic.  One girl did say she liked my costume though, that made me smile.  After a few rides and many jokes about my wig falling off, we went to check out the carnival games, which all looked pretty sad.  Then we went to the swings and while we were on there he started to twist my chair around.  I laughed and playfully yelled at him for it. 

After that though, he saw his ex and wanted to leave but wanted to ride the rollercoaster first. We both smooshed into the undersized seats, and as the ride started my knees banged against the front of the cart.  We then went back to the car, I would have preferred to stay longer as some of the other rides looked fun, but I understand wanting to avoid confrontation. 

We hung out a bit more after that but I’m sure you don’t wanna hear about all the kissing and crap, so I’ll just cut it here.  Overall, I had a really great time. I guess, if there is a lesson here, it’s to take risks, live life in the moment, and give people a second chance. 

Let’s set the scene, you’re in a relationship, something doesn’t seem to be going quite right so you decide to ask what’s up.  That’s when you get the dreaded “I think we should just be friends” text, or something of the like.  Now not only is your heart shattered, you have to mentally prepare yourself to never be in real contact with them again, because they don’t wanna be “just friends” for some reason that is just the crap people say, what they mean is every time you see each other, you look away, you never speak, except maybe an occasional “Merry Christmas” text or something like that.  Oh, and they might just block you on social media.

So, what did you do to have to go through this?  Nothing, apparently.  Or that’s what he claims.  Nothing went wrong yet here you are crying in your bed, hugging your stuffed animals, listening to something on your phone, probably Melanie Martinez.  So, why do you feel like everything is your fault?  You pick up your phone to stare at it blankly for a moment, then put it back down.  You contemplate getting ice cream, but you decide not to because you don’t like the way you look and want to lose weight.  

Days pass before you get out of your slump, in that time you’ve been pestered about your “laziness” from your family and a long lecture about how you don’t do enough to help around the house and yada yada….  You find your cat, his small headbutts of affection give you a smile.  He rubs against your legs and you stroke along his back.  If you are feeling a little brave, you may pick up the warm fury creature, nuzzling your tear stained face into his soft purring body.  You scratch his head and kiss him, after a while you will put down or he will squirm until you know he wants down and you will grant his request.   

So, maybe you wrote something, made a vent drawing, or just sung your voice out to your mental breakdown selection of songs; perhaps all of these things.  Sometimes, you reach out to people while you are in a heavy episode of depression, but the usual response is leaving the message opened and not offering any help, perhaps even calling you names at the fact you are “attention seeking” when you just want someone to throw you a rope ladder to climb out of this big, deep, pit of despair.