TW: This blog contains mentions of suicide, death, and depression
Have you ever felt like you are the only barrier between someone living or taking their own life? It is a horrible feeling to experience, especially when you cannot seem to convince them things get better. Depression is a horrible mental illness, it makes everything seem dull and worthless, fake smiles, joyless laughter, emotionally dead. This illness has plagued me and many others for many years, there is no way to experience it if you do not but its basically a world devoid of happiness, only numbness, sorrow, and anger.
A lot of people dismiss depression as just a feeling of sadness that will pass, but this is a very inaccurate explanation. Without treatment and/or counseling, depression will not get better. It is a health condition, it effects your everyday life in more ways than you could ever understand.
I have never been met with more despair than when one of my friends attempted suicide, and this being an online friendship I was not aware of her being saved until days after the event, the whole time of which I was hysterical.
Tonight, on this Wednesday, I am once again faced with having the same thing happen again; but I won’t let it, I can’t allow it to happen. Then it occurs to me that I am powerless. What can I do? No matter how much I beg or plead– tell them how great they are or how much I care about them, the despair of depression makes them believe everything you say is a lie. Their own brain tells them they aren’t good enough, they don’t deserve anything, and there I sit, helplessly typing away messages to someone I would much rather be rushing to the side of, but yet, I’m here, trapped within my room.
It’s a school night, a cleaning night, in fact, so we had to be on our floors at 9 pm, unable to leave. All I could do was try to type all my feelings into messages, just hoping they’d pick up on the other end. It is late and I’m emotionally and physically exhausted. I just needed to quiet my thoughts and release them a bit through this platform.
If you have any advice for me it would be more than welcomed. I honestly just feel so drained and hopeless, I hate to see someone falling into the depths of despair while I am left to sit and fester in my cage– sobbing– consoling as best as I know how.
