The title may indicate that I’ll be talking about Identity V, but I am not talking about that game. Instead, I am talking about my own identity.
I go by a lot of names here at MSA, most know me by my nickname, Kiki, others know me by my birth name, Kiara. Few know my preferred name, Yimmi, and those few also use the nickname Timmi for it. My name with others varies depending on who you’re talking to. Ke, Kiki, Yimmi, Kiara, and Timmi. It makes me feel displaced honestly. I have no set in stone name I can proudly claim.
My pronouns have a similar problem. I’ve claimed she/they, but everyone uses she by default. I suppose it’s warranted as society conditions only masculine or feminine identities though it’d be nice to be seen as someone in the middle at times.
My own heritage has a problem. I claim indigenous origins, yet I have Caucasian blood making up half of my body. All my life I’ve been disconnected from my own culture. I don’t know how to bead. I don’t attend festivals. I don’t know how to play stickball. I speak only English. I know how to cook non-indigenous dishes. I used to attend football games. I used to know how to play basketball. I’ve been dragged from my own heritage; it fills me with a dread on how I can ever claim it.
As for myself, I’m not interesting. Nothing about me stands out. I’m quiet so I don’t have to deal with people, I play one singular game for majority of my time, I pay others to make art as I don’t have the skill nor motivation to, I look longingly at things I can ever hope to possess, I only talk of the game I play or some stupid, unheard of band that no one I know will listen to even if I beg them to. My introverted tendencies aren’t born from social incapabilities. I can talk to people, I can try to hold out conversation, but it’s too much trouble to keep someone interested in continuing without me saying or doing something outrageous.
Is it a useful skill to talk with people? Obviously. It’s just the question on will those people be interested enough in continuing. Or are they too consumed of talking about themself that it drives me out. Even in the field I plan to go into requires me to talk, but only in clinical settings. It’ll be easier as there’ll be prompts for me to follow. I can only hope the patients will cooperate. Who knows? Maybe in the future I’ll return to some rinky dink apartment after being attacked by patients, and I have to file for a case.
Speaking of fields, I know what I want to do, but it’s the matter of how it’ll reflect back onto me. I want to be a mental health technician that watches over patients in inpatient facilities, but my family recommends me to be something higher than that. Maybe a psychologist or psychiatrist? I’ve taken engineering classes before, and I have a hobby in drawing, so my family recommended me to be an interior designer or an architect. Neither interest me. In all honesty, no career path interests me. I used to want to be a programmer, but that fell apart easily once AI became a thing.
It’s an endless cycle in my mind of finding ways to paint a picture of an uninteresting person who only exists in the background of people’s lives. I might be viewed differently in the eyes of my peers and adults in my life, yet I feel only I dictate how my personality is. This quickly turned to a self-deprecating type of post. It may be my only post of this nature since I don’t want to be moping on here all the time.
What are your thoughts?
I enjoyed this so much. Love you keke!!!
When you reveal your preferred name and people still call you by your other name😂✌️
Actually irritating istg
Yimmi, i really appreciate you sharing this. i’m glad i’ve been getting to know you a little better over these past few weeks! also, you’re a very interesting person. i cannot imagine our floor without your face posted on some obscure meme about every other two feet. you’re so talented at drawing and writing as well, so don’t lie to me. thank you. i can also totally see you as a psychologist with a very cool, eclectic office.