Category: Junior Literary

If you didn’t read part one, the jist of the post was that there are certain things that make me feel good, and feel like myself again. For example, the color pink. That’s a feel good color right there, which is why this entire post will be in pink!

Anyways, I know this sounds basic, but Billie Eilish is one of those singers who just makes me feel emotion again. I’ve really been loving “idontwanttobeyouanymore”. It’s a sad, deeper song by nature, but ugh I just want to play it over and over again. 

Another thing I love, is stickers. Just decorating things in stickers is so much fun, and puts a personal spin on things. 

This leads to another feel good item, which is any type of “knick knack”. If you look at my desk, home or here, I have an abundance of useless things. Just lil’ figurines, but they make me so happy. Just to look at them. 

There are some memories that are feel good memories, that just thinking back on them make me all giddy and happy all over again.

Back in the end of March, maybe early April, there was a time where me and a bunch of friends went and watched horror movies at their house.  The first one was called Veronica and the second one I had already seen a bunch of times, Creep 2. During Creep 2, I took such a peaceful kinda nap. I was in and out of consciousness, and the environment was just the best. I can’t describe it but I felt so great? Even though the point of horror movies is to scare you, I just had an amazing time. I think that’s really high on my list of memories. 

Another feel good memory is when I went to Disneyland this summer. I went with my best friend, Cady, and oh my goodness that was such a good time. We video-taped the whole thing, and honestly we need to edit it so we can have the memory laid out for us. Anyways, we just had the best time! We went on rides, had amazing food, got really cute merch, and overall had a good lil’ friend day. 

One thing that is a feel good type of thing, is having my hair touched. I realize how weird that sounds, but oh my goodness. I love having my hair cut, just because I find it so relaxing. I can’t count how many times I wish I could have fallen asleep at the hair dresser. In elementary school I had really long hair, with ringlets, so people used to play with my hair a lot. It was g r e a t.

I wish I didn’t have to rely on things for my happiness though. I mentioned this in part one, but when these things aren’t around, I feel like my brain is a rock. These things are far and few in between too, so I’m left in my zombie-like state for weeks on end, with only a couple moments out of it. 

Looking back, It wasn’t always like this. I wonder when the rock first appeared? That’s another topic for another day. Not for a feel-good post. 

The only memory I have of you is when I was younger. Around four-years-old, to be exact. I remember it was a Thursday because mamma was always out of work that day. I was in the years of Barbie dolls and hide-n-seek. My days were filled with made-up adventures and finding sunken pirate ships out back in the old lake mamma told me not to get in.

This day was special. It was my birthday, and to any four-year-old, this day is the most important of them all. You promised my mother you would stop by on my birthday. I had never heard of you or really thought about you. I remember asking my mom if I had a dad like Hannah from daycare had. You would tell me, “yes, but he is gone.” I never understood what she meant by this, but now that I’m older I see that she was protecting me from the sadness and betrayal you put us through. Either way, I was excited to meet the man I thought never existed. I was excited to meet the man that I tried so hard to imagine in my preschool mind.

I remember waiting on the old, gray front porch all day for you to pull into my driveway. I was playing with my two favorite Barbie’s. I think I named one Sarah and the other Charlotte (both named after my aunt and mother). For a four-year-old, all day is like a whole year in our minds, so finding things to do was very difficult. I mean, god forbid I be bored for two seconds, right?  I remember my mother bringing me dinosaur-shaped chicken nuggets for lunch, and a home cooked meal for dinner and then water every hour. She looked disappointing every time she would come to check on me. I know now how bad she felt for me.

I didn’t know what kind of a car you drove because I never knew you, despite how much I wish I did. Every time a car would start down our street, I’d stand up in excitement, but then it would pass, so I sat back down waiting for the next one, never letting my hope go away. I didn’t care if you were a little late because all I care about was meeting my father. Everything else didn’t matter to me at the moment.

After it had become dark, mother came out and said that you weren’t coming. I remember crying so hard wondering why you decided not to come. I remember wanting to know who you were. I hated trying to piece together the images of who I imagined you to be. I was so heartbroken. I remember asking my mother, “who is my dad?” I’d get no answer. Just eyes of sorrow.

This is the only memory I have of you, and it has been an example of how I feel every time I have to think about you. Every single year in elementary school when they had the “bring your dad to school day.” Every single time I asked about you and got no answer in return. Every single time I wondered who you were. You broke my heart without even knowing my middle name, and to me, that is what hurt the most. Wanting to know absolutely everything about you, and you not even giving me a second thought. You hurt me even when your name was never spoken. The sight of my half-siblings having relationships with their father breaks me into two. I feel like half of me is missing. Like another part of me is a mystery that I’ve been trying so hard to find out about.

I want you to see that without you I became strong. I was raised by a strong woman you left in pieces. I watched her pick herself back up and put them back in their place. I watched her struggle, and I watched her grow into the most amazing woman I’ve ever met. She taught me how to be strong when there was no one else around. Because of you, she had to take up not only the position of being a mother but also the position that you decided just wasn’t for you.

I want you to know that I love who I have become. I want you to know that despite all the trials you’ve put me though, I came out alive and I am thriving. I have accomplished great things and trust me, my story is long from being over. I have so many great opportunities going for me. I want you to know that I am who I am not because of you, but because of who I made myself to be. You had no part in this because you chose to have no part in this.

I’m not one to ever deeply open up about my feelings but I’m really not sure anymore. I tend to be more emotionally reserved, continuously trying to stay happy and keep my hopes up for my peers and my family but eventually it gets old, you know? It’s seriously getting tiring. These past few days, my emotional barrier seems to be breaking down and honestly, it’s not too bad, I guess. I’m a lot more blunt and honest with not only myself but other people. I’m not as afraid of social situations and advances like I used to be and I don’t take much to heart. 

It’s just annoying and upsetting how now that I’m changing, I’m looking back and realizing how unhappy and generally upset I was with having to wear that mask and feeling obligated to control my emotions based on how others felt or wanted me to feel. I never really allowed myself to thoroughly go through the process of handling a problem. Where I come from, a lot of people don’t really handle it, they just put up with it. However, I’m sick of putting up with problems instead of actually fixing them like I generally should. A smile isn’t gonna fix anything. A smile isn’t gonna make anything go away. It’s just a coping mechanism for just putting up with it.

It all just angers me, the way I used to deal with things. I was more of a pushover when I was younger. Then, in my middle school years, I was still a pushover but a very aggressive pushover. That just made people want to walk over me more lol. I’ve never been confrontational either which is also another reason why I dealt with what I did. I know I sound like I’m just being all mopey and drawn out but just looking back, it all upsets me overall and I wish I’d been like I am now. It’s just been on my mind all week, especially with the changes I’ve seen within myself. 

I’m overall happy with the new changes, though, whether anyone else agrees with it or not. It’s like a heavy weight has been lifted off of my shoulders and I’m a lot more calmer and connected with myself on things I would’ve flipped out about at least two weeks ago. It’s weird how you can change a lot in a short period of time but it feels so good and I hope I just stay like this. This is what I needed. <3

This weekend was an interesting one, I guess. My mom picked me up from the school and then we headed back home. I stayed for a night there, and on Saturday, I stayed with my grandma and grandpa because my cousin and I were gonna see a movie together with my friend. We went to see The Meg, and it was interesting. I enjoyed it, but they didn’t really find it awesome or anything. It was a cliché shark movie really, just involving a prehistoric shark this time, but those were my favorite type of movies when I was younger. Jaws is my favorite shark movie of all time. 

Not to be funny or anything, but I didn’t really miss anyone. At least, not my family members. I love them, don’t get me wrong, but I just wasn’t worried about how  anything was at home besides how my dog was doing. I’m fine being away from home, but I think that’s just because of my dad always telling me that I would get homesick. Every time he said it, I always thought to myself, ‘No I won’t.’ I think that because he kept saying that, it cemented the thought that I wouldn’t miss them after I left. I’m gone again, and I still don’t miss them. It’s strange, but I know I’m not the only one around here who doesn’t really miss their folks. My grandma cried because I was leaving again. I tried to comfort her, but I’m not the greatest at comforting people when they cry. She said that she was going to be upset as I left, but once I made it to the school, she would be fine. Everyone has said that they’re proud of me, and I’m glad for the support that I do have. I’m glad that my family is supportive of me, and didn’t try to beat down on me for not wanting to finish school where I was. I’m enjoying myself here, and I’ve actually been able to do what I love, which is to write. While at home, I barely wrote because I was constantly uninspired or was always distracted. My little brother was always loud, my sister was never really a problem, my parents would leave and I would be stuck babysitting. There was never anything new, but here, there’s always something going on. Every day is never dull here, and I’m glad to call this school my new home. 

The ear of the world is deaf.

The people scream
And they cry
And they try to save themselves
But no one can hear.

Every day, the cries
Of the persecuted
Grow louder
But no one can hear.

Screaming, crying,
There is pain
And heartbreak
And suffering.
But no one can hear.

The African Americans
Want to be free
And women
Want to be safe.
But no one can hear.

Men and women
Around the world
Want love and peace
And acceptance.
But no one can hear.

Millions of people
Scream out to the heavens
Hoping that someone,
Anyone, will hear their cries
And save them
And deliver them
And love them
And accept them.

But no one can hear.

 

Recently, there have been things that ave truly brought me back to my true self. Coming here, I feel as if I’ve lost the persona that I used to have. But there are some moments, when that really make me feel that way again. Feel like I’m the girl I was without acting.

Right now, I’m feeling like myself because of a song. I just found it, but oh my goodness I’m in love with it. It’s just one of those feel good type songs. It’s called “Dance in the Living Room” by NVTHVN. Please, give it a listen!

I keep revisiting this song, just because it makes me feel like myself again.

Over this past month, I truly just haven’t felt like myself. I’ve felt like a fake. Like I’ve got this fake persona. Not saying that I’m two faced, but more of that I’ve been showing a new personality, possibly because of my new environment?

Let me explain. I’ve noticed that my ditzy-ness has been, enhanced. Don’t get me wrong I’ve always been a lil’ bit of an airhead. One of my friends, Hannah, has a whole list of dumb things I’ve said. I wish I could find it, but the picture has been lost in the mix sometime since Freshman year. I’ve only been able to salvage a couple of them. 

The list includes:

“I’m sorry I don’t have my glasses on I can’t hear you.”

“I measure all my events from when the Titanic happened.”

“I can see words.”

See? But since being here, it’s been real bad. Not in the sense that I’ve been saying an abundance more of dumb things, but more of my tone and characteristics? I just feel so childish in my tone of talk. I swear my voice has raised about 5 octaves since being hereSom.

I just feel like I’m missing the sarcastic, quippy side of me. Maybe I’ve dropped this in fear of coming off as mean or unapproachable, but I’m afraid I’ve morphed myself into someone that.

It’s funny that my outward being has become so sickly sweet, because my inner dialogue has gotten darker? Or rather it has slowed down.

The best comparison of how my brain used to be, was like Dug, the dog from UP (AKA a cinematic masterpiece.) What I mean by this, is my brain used to be so scattered, but in the best way possible. It’s how I was able to function.

Now my brain is a rock. I hardly feel like I can form coherent inner thoughts. It’s so odd and foreign. Most people would love to be thoughtless, but I just feel dull. But at least I have the feel good things. 

Sometimes it’s songs, but it can be people, outfits, places, etc. It just depends where I am at my life. 

Feel good things are only temporary. I can’t have something or someone to depend on my happiness at all times. 

That’s the downside of having feel good things. 

People ask me why I chose literary. I got accepted into Literary, Visual, and Theater, so why did I go with Lit?

I hate to say the real reason. People would most definitly question my life choices for it. So I always make something up.

“Ah, I just felt literary was my calling.”

“I heard that class is the most fun.”

“They get lots of fun opportunities.”

In reality, I went with literary, because I thought it would turn me into my favorite anime character. Toko Fukawa.

It all began when I started playing Danganronpa: trigger happy havoc back in 2016. It led to an obsession. I could tell you all the characters from all the games, their talents, and how long they stay a character in the series.

So, naturally, as Kerri Bland, I cosplayed her. This is when I began to notice the similarities between us. She had long brown hair like mine, which she always wore tied back or in braids. she had a beauty mark next to her mouth. she wore tall white socks. Our birthday was only a day apart.  she thinks everyone hates her, even if they don’t. she hates blood and ghosts. At first, I thought it was so weird I had found a character so similar to me.

Then, there were the parts of her that would soon be relatable. Toko was a student at a school for Teens who were the best at what they do. Thus, she was known as the Ultimate Writing Prodigy.

So, then I began applying to MSA. I was ready to get away from my unaccepting school. that was the main thing. however, in the back of my mind, I had the thought of becoming the living version of Toko Fukawa.

So, in 2017, I sent in my cosplay to the publishers of the manga series, along with a note that told of why toko was so special to me.

They responded.

It was something I didn’t expect to happen. receiving something back from them was like receiving an autograph from a celebrity. attached was a note that read:

Dear Kerri,

Thank you so much for your letter and cosplay photos! I just got news today that the Danganronpa manga is being reprinted, which is great because it means that even more new people are getting into it ^_^

We haven’t officially announced it yet, but in 2018 we (that is, Dark Horse Manga), will be releasing a new manga in the series, this time based on the second game, Super Danganronpa 2. So we’ll look forward to printing your contribution inside one of the volumes of the new series.

Have a happy new year,
Carl Horn
Editor

Not only did they send me that, but they also sent the book cover before it was even available to the public.

I thought that was a sign to become a literary like Toko.

And then more signs came.

While at a convention in my toko cosplay (her scissors are v important to her crazier self), I heard a voice that sounded oddly familiar. Like, ODDLY familiar. Josh Grelle. Big deal Josh Grelle. Yuri from Y.O.I., Armin frrom A.O.T., Tokoyami in M.H.A. Most importantly, the voice actor for Toko’s in-game love interest (who doesnt quite return her feelings) Byakuya Togami . He recited a few of his lines, and I DIED.

I

D I E D

literally, after that, I screeched for the rest of the day.

He ended up taking a picture of me and sending it to Tokos voice actress. Who, Incidentally, I met the very next weekend.

Yes, the legendary Amanda Miller. you may recognize her as Sailor Jupiter, Junko Enoshima, Boruto, and, of course, Toko Fukawa.

The first thing she did when she saw me was run up to me, grab my hair, and exclaim, “Oh My God is this real!?”

She was very funny. We had a full on conversation about our favorite characters from literally everything. I told her I had been trying out for this school, and was supposed to get a letter soon to see if I’d gotten in. Then, I got her autograph.

In this, she congratulated me for something I wasn’t even sure I had gotten into. Though, I guess she saw my determination. So, thanks Amanda Miller. She also references Byakuya Togami, who she knew I had met just the week before.

Overall, this big situation inspired me to be the most anime I could be.

Yep, that’s why I picked Literary.

Anime.

Lately my mind has been running wild. I can’t think straight. I don’t know what I want and I really don’t know what I need.  Everything in me wants what I need to be him, but I know it’s not. I’m tired of being treated like dirt, I’m tired of forgiving him, I’m tired of encouraging him to be better when he won’t even listen.

My words don’t matter to him and I have to accept that. I’m not this thing that he can play with anymore. I am a person. I need to learn how to love myself more than I ever loved him. I know that I can do that. Eventually. Right now is just so hard.

I can’t force him to change, I can’t make him “better” and my thinking that is nothing short of naïve. I guess the reason why I can’t stop hurting is because I gave so much to him. I gave him everything. Yet, because of all this, I feel like it wasn’t enough. I feel like I’m not enough. I feel like I’ll never be enough for anyone.

I know I seem dramatic and immature, but he was my first love. He keeps coming back and messing with my head over and over and I never seem to learn my lesson. I know I have to be strong. I have to cut him off. I have to stop.

I just hate this feeling and I’m ready for it to go away. I hope one day I have someone who appreciates me and loves me as much as I love them. And if I don’t get that, I just hope that I can learn how to truly love myself and not have this need to have another person tell me my worth.

 

There is a reason behind my isolation. I never sleep easy because I am afraid of the next broken friendship. Tears, falling like rain– because I see the broken promises running away, one by one.  A lot of people may not cherish the bonds that are established between them and others, but I do. I pay it much attention. When in all reality, it could be anyone of us to go at any moment and we will be stuck with that last negative thought. We live in a world where popularity over rules authenticity. Although I do not like this, I cannot be the only one to change it. But, what I can change is who I associate myself with. So, from this point on, my focus is thriving mentally, physically, and emotionally. I will no longer make time for the incapabilities of those who do not wish to not give up on our friendship when times get rough. I am not asking a lot of people when it comes to friendships because they are a give and take, just like a romantic relationship. With this new environment, comes new responsibilities. I refuse to surrender myself to negativity. I have to work harder in all aspects of my life. With that, I must have people on my side who are understanding of that and are willing to do the same. I want people around me who are all going for the same goal. That goal is to become better, at everything. I have allowed too many people to alter my mind, negatively, throughout the past couple of years. I have not been as vocal as I used to be about it, but those days are over.  I am ready to take on every challenge and implement God every step of the way. If you are in for the long run, ready, set, let’s go! If not, it was fun while it lasted. Thank you for your time and your lessons. May God forever bless you and your family.

This weekend was so carbonated. My mother, best friend, cousin, and boyfriend all teamed up and threw me a surprise birthday party. It was the sweetest thing. I knew about it the entire time, but its just the fact that they put the effort in to do something special for me.

Some of my friends from my old school came. That was a big surprise. It was hilarious when I went to walk into my room, and he walked out, looked right at me, turned back into my room, and slammed my door in my face. Apparently, I had gifts and people in my room. That includes my boyfriend and my cousin.

When the twins from South Pike showed up (Neveah and Destiny) I was blown away. I hadn’t seen them in a good four months, and I hadn’t realized how much I missed them. My best friend was in charge of the guest list, and I’m really grateful she went to the extent of bringing people she knew I would want to see.

My big brother came with his fiancé. He was just as annoying and embarrassing as usual, but I just let it happen. I never see the idiot anymore, and I suppose I miss the rough-housing a little bit. To top it off, he got me a polaroid camera! I was so freaking happy. I have been wanting one for ages now. I barely see him, yet he still knew what to get me.

My future step dad’s family came. His mother gave me a plague that she painted a feather pen on to symbolize my writing. He gave me a beautiful necklace with my name engraved on it. It was all so thoughtful, and I am so grateful.

My best friend showed me how much she really knows me. she bought me a pair of unicorn slippers and a cacti covered wallet. It was so sweet. I had mentioned my want for the two items to her before, but she took it to new extent and really showed me how much she pays attention.

It was a great party, and I truly enjoyed myself. I love everyone who came, and I am forever grateful to my mother, best friend, cousin, and boyfriend for going through all that trouble and caring for me so much that they’d do this for me. I couldn’t ask for better people in my life.