Y’all. I don’t mention my mental health a lot, solely because I feel it is my personal health and sharing that with the world seems a little too personal, but I feel this particular story I’m about to share makes for a good blog post.
Long story short…I had a panic attack at school (hence the title…get it…panic at the dis–no? okay). It happened out of the ordinary, but I have conducted a personal investigation and tried to figure out the cause. Now, I know you guys want the gory details. I get it, I get it…if I was reading this, I would want to know what happened in detail too. In fact, I would have a million questions.
“Where did it happen?
Who was around you?
Did you fall?
Did anybody help you?”
And if you don’t have any questions and would just like me to get on with the rest of the post…I feel you and will happily do that for you. *inserts two thumbs up* But, and you guys know there is always a “but”, I need to feed the hungry eyes that are looking for the breakdown of the panic attack. Since this is a literary blog, and I am a literary person…literary artist?…okay I write, I wrote a free verse poem to explain the panic attack as coherent as possible. Look below for said poem…
panic attack
I forgot how to breathe today. The air from my lungs escaped through my nose until the very last drop left my body.
The moment fell on me spontaneously.
Silence rang through my ears and everything stopped. Time slowed for me and my sight faltered. The only thing I could see were the blurred figures walking past me.
Panic wrapped me in its arms a second later. The rhythm of my heartbeat sprung from a steady beat into a fast crescendo.
My fingers eagerly reached out to grab ahold of something, but they were met with only the air that escaped my lungs.
My hands start shaking. The slight tremor moved to my knees and I soon collapsed.
Almost…as if in slow motion…it slowly came back to me.
Breath Hearing Sight.
I slowly lifted myself off the ground and held my chest. I can’t believe I forgot how to breathe today.
As soon as I calmed down from the panic attack and could focus on one thing, the first line of the poem was on repeat in my head. I couldn’t stop thinking of that sentence, so I turned it into something poetic? I don’t know if that’s poetic, but it was very relieving to write it.
Moving on to the details of my investigation *inserts Nancy Drew magnifying glass*, I narrowed down the suspects to the top three likely causes of the panic attack.
Stress. I was very stressed out prior to the attack and under a lot of emotional and physical strain. I made this the top reason because it seems like the most plausible.
I was simply freaking out. I have a small tendency…medium tendency…okay a large tendency to freak out over the smallest things. Prior to the panic attack, I was freaking out over a particular submission despite having plenty, and y’all I mean PLENTY of time to finish it. I think this could have been the cause, but I still think I was just stressed out.
I simply forgot how to breathe. Now this may seem the least likely, but it makes sense. Have y’all ever forgotten how to do the most basic task ever? Like you may have forgotten how to blink normally because you were focusing on how you blink too hard? Does that make sense? I hope it does because I don’t know how else to say it, but that’s essentially what could have happened. There have been multiple occasions where I have been focused on my breathing and simply lost track of my original breathing flow. I think this could have been the cause, but then again I still think it was because of stress.
Whatever reason caused the panic attack…it wasn’t fun. It honestly made me actually stop and focus on myself for once. I had to ask myself if I was okay. I get so caught up in things that I completely ignore my mental and spiritual health. It is almost like I lose sight of those parts of myself. In this case, I lost the mental part of myself for a minute, and the only way I could think of finding that part of myself again was to be hit with the reality that I wasn’t okay mentally per the reason I had a panic attack. BUT, then again…I could have honestly just forgot how to breathe.
Hi! So, beings that I have absolutely no idea what to do for a blog post this week, I decided that I would put y’all on some good songs. So, with out further ado, here we go.
So, first, Yours by Evann McIntosh.
Okay, so Evann McIntosh has probably become one of my favorite artists. As a 15 year old musician, she’s doing amazing. And her voice is so beautiful, oh my gooDNESSSSS. God, I’ve literally been listening to her Album MOJO on repeat for the last week. It’s just so…ugh. *chef’s kiss*
Speaking of her music, this song is only a testament to how beautiful she is as a singer. With lines like, “The way you take my breath away/I often need a medic/ If you should ever leave me/ put me on anesthetics”, you can really feel what it’s like to love someon naked eye, this is simple English. But I am a hopeless romantic and the thought of being short of breath because someone is just so…oof is amazing and makes my heart beat a little faster. 🙂
Also, I’m With You by Avril Lavigne???? *Chef’s kiss*
You cannot look me into my face and tell me honestly that you didn’t jam out to Avril Lavigne when you were younger. Like, Avril Lavigne was and is a household name. She was literally Billie Eilish before pop culture knew Billie Eilish was Billie Eilish. Like, she’s just so iconic, from her hair to her voice, she’s just so…sensational.
This song was written when she was about 14 and it’s so gorgeous. Beings that this song is so beautiful, I refuse to give you any slips of lyric because you, as a reader, deserve to listen fully to the song.
And lastly, Peach Scone by Hobo Johnson.
This. Song. Is. Immaculate. And I stand by that. Literally, it’s so versatile.
If you’re having a bad day, listen to this song. If you’re having an amazing day, listen to this song. If you’re just looking for a song to vibe to, LISTEN TO THIS SONG. It’s so amazing and the lyrics are absolutely gorgeous.
The story in the song is about unrequited love. A friend falls in love with a friend with a boyfriend. And it’s just so true to life and love and humanity. It’s just…an amazing song. I genuinely recommend it to anyone. Goodness.
Anyways, that’s this week’s blog post!! I hope you enjoyed! Which of these was your favorites? And what’s your favorite song that isn’t on here? I’d love to know!
Anyway, I hope all of you had a pleasant break (if you had one) and slept a lot. I applaud anyone that also ate their weight in chocolate. You are my hero because I, too, adore eating sugar at random moments of the day…especially at eleven p.m.
So this will stand as my first post of the year. I am going to be honest and say that I have typed at least three different versions, which strikes me as a little absurd. I had an overwhelming amount of ideas saturating my brain, though, and, at first, I spent so much time trying to combine them in creative ways. But in the end, I realized…Wow, a December post would wrap up all of this, huh. So, I present to you my fifth addition to this month series I have created.
(jazz hands)*
Ah, December. Not only did I become incredibly inspired this month, but I can recognize inspiration that I have carried away from it.
During December, I feel like I am always hit with nostalgia. I start flipping through journals and picking which dates match my current ones, and then I compare content. I had a lot of fun with that, this time, and that is mainly because this December was so much better than the previous one. R.I.P. That concludes my first example of inspiration. To put it in words for you, my days improved, and that inspires me itself.
For some reason, I had so many yellow days. That confuses me because nothing super awesome happened. I was wrapped in happiness because I wanted to; I put a lot of effort into trying. This inspires me right now, at this moment, because I feel trapped in an “eh” mood. Although life is not grey, my current day feels blue-green. I hope this changes, as it proves quite debilitating. But I believe that trying makes a difference. If, for some reason, you ever feel monochromatic and as if your insides are raining, I recommend resistance. Never sink into this open ocean for too long (unless you are a diver or something).
During December, I had a lot of motivation to live the upcoming year as intentionally as possible. This is a bit surprising because I started off 2019 all agdakgfhvwhf, if that makes sense. I basically took the shape of a disgruntled amoeba with a taste in self-deprecating jokes and tar-like pessimism. But I ended all, “wow, I like life, so pretty, much coolness, beauty is everywhere and stuff, hm.”
Determination to grow (even more) prompted me to put to work a random journal. During the break, I spent many hours bombarding its cover with stickers and cutting paper into squares of different sizes. After all of this vague description, I want to inform of its purpose: …Okay, first I have to supply a bit of context. I am a procrastinator (I know, right—frowny face). I am actually so bad of a procrastinator that, often, I used to stay up frantically multi-tasking while battling a self-induced, mini breakdown. Why? Well, I thought that I could never concentrate on a usual basis, but, when the due date rolled around, heck, I could focus for hours. Coming to MSA forced me to retire some of those bad habits (ex: I waited until the night before to complete over half of a packet…I never did that again). Actually, thinking about it, now, I became incredibly organized at the end of 2019. I worked ahead and completed a bit of homework each night, and I learned to not profit off of the adrenaline rush that resulted from a maniacal deadline breathing over my shoulder. But, anyway, about the journal…Basically, it is where I am trapping all of my goals (etc.) within. Most of them circle topics related to procrastination (such as going to sleep early, hah…hah…). But I also have topics dealing with being a better person in general (ex: reminders to have gratitude and to try not to morph back into the amoeba). It has helped me a lot, already, because it puts everything into perspective. Also, I have a few sections where I mention what I am thankful for, and it helps to flip back to it whenever I forget and feel dull.
I chose peace (groovy) to be my word for 2020, and I had a few revelations that added significance.
Moving on to other topics of interest, I became infatuated with an instrument that I will mention in an upcoming blog post (; . In fact, I am so fascinated by it that I spent literally hours researching it, and I want to have one in my possession so badly. Oops.
Also, I listened to a lot of music. I plan on mentioning that in my next two blogs (; . Inspiration from this propelled me into almost as much research as the instrument (of my dreams).
And, to conclude my post, I received fifteen pairs of novelty socks for Christmas. They constitute a portion of my will to live. I think that I have amassed a collection of around fifty pairs over the course of (maybe?) three years, gasp. I have forty pairs with me at school, in my dorm, and I love them all (I am as confused as you are).
Anyway, good bye, everyone. I leave hoping you have taken at least something from this post (other than a headache). I also recommend keeping a “perspective journal”, picking a word to focus on for the year, and listening to music more than small talk (but also remember to socialize (I know, I know) because it can be beneficial in ways other than wasting time). I hope all of you enjoyed me pretending to be organized. Peace.
Wednesday’s Fun Fact:
If you are an frustrated writer, have courage. You may understand existence in everything around you but can never express it. Remember that the words are enough, and they will not leave. The colors and textures of reality will become more familiar, and one day they will manifest in the shape of words, able to be savored.
Hey guys, I’m back from winter break. It has been an interesting break, but I would like to share with you a tradition I do every year. As the year wraps up, I reflect on the main purpose for that year. You see, going into a new year I make a title/ goal for what that year will hopefully be for me. With that being said, I would love to share some past years that I have titled, and tell you how the end results were.
The Year of Self Love(2017): The year before this was especially hard for me, so I knew I wanted to get back that self appreciation that I had when I was much younger. I knew that this would boost my mood, and the end results were a success. I found a love for myself which did not allow me to bring myself down anymore.
The Year of Forgiveness(2018): For the longest time I held a grudge against someone who really made a negative impact on my life in the past. I’ll be honest, I hated them. I knew that year I had to forgive them so I could move on from the past. I did, in fact, forgive them that year, and we have a good relationship today.
The Year of Self Discovery(2019): I would say this year was where I showed the most growth. By finding out who I truly was on the inside, it allowed me to have a happiness + understanding that I never experienced before. Not to mention, I gained confidence/ respect for who I was.
The Year of Growth/Success(2020): Of course, this is what I strive for it to be. Mainly my goal is to put in 100% effort in the things I am passionate about. It is finding my faults, and improving them. Overall, I want to keep building up my skills.
With that being said, I shared this with you today to encourage you to set goals for this year. I mean truly realistic goals that you know deep down you need to conquer! By setting these goals you are not only finding purpose for this year, but respecting yourself by bringing attention to something you need to work on/ accomplish. Many times people have this auto pilot attitude where they just go through the motions. In my opinion, this is not truly living your life to the fullest potential. It is more of a tired survival state that we go in. So set your goal for this year! It doesn’t have to be the most life-changing goal in the world, but something that you have desired to achieve in your life. Best of luck 😉
At the beginning of each new year, everyone is usually making a new year’s resolution, vision board, or setting goals to better themselves. We often hear the phrase “new year, new me,” but in actuality that rarely happens. Those people are not actually setting goals to become their so-called “new me,” or are setting goals, but not following through with them. Is it really a new you if you are continuing with the same bad habits or not achieving some sort of growth? I mean, I tell myself I’m going to lose weight EVERY year, but as soon as January 2nd hits, I’m downing pizza and soda. Losing weight has been my new year’s resolution for the past 5 years of my life— that’s 5 years of failed promises to myself.
I knew that my goals were not being fulfilled, but why? What was I doing wrong? When I asked myself these questions, I realized that even though I made a list of goals, I put no actual effort towards achieving them. So, this year, my number one goal: FOLLOW THROUGH WITH MY GOALS.
“A Goal Without a Plan is Just a Wish.” -Antoine de Saint-Exupéry
After my realization, I asked myself how I could fix this problem. Why wasn’t I putting in any effort to do something I’ve wanted to do for so long? Then, it hit me. I didn’t have a PLAN to succeed. I mean, how could I achieve something without preparing to do it? So, I made a list of everything that I needed to do beforehand:
Vision Board
I usually make a vision board on a big foam poster board every year, but after the first week of January, it goes into my closet until the next year when I think about looking at it again. But I think for the vision board to really fulfill its purpose, you need to look at it often, to remind yourself and motivate you to reach your goals. So, I decided to make my vision board in my everyday planner:
Planner
The vision board helps in reminding me of my goals. One of my main goals is to lose weight and get healthy, so I thought about what would benefit me in achieving that goal: a fitness planner. I have an everyday planner that I am OBSESSED with because it allows me to stay focused but is also a creative outlet. In a fitness planner, however, you simply track your eating, calories, steps, exercise, or whatever you need to track as far as fitness and health. Yes, there are apps out there that do the exact same thing, but for me, personally, physically writing down my progress and reflecting is really beneficial. Here is an example of a fitness planner:
Taking Out Extra Time
Currently, I have a 23 on the ACT with sub scores of 30, 25, 22, and 17. The 17 is my math sub score, which is preventing me from reaching my current goal of an overall 25 on the ACT, so I am taking out extra time in my week to work in my Jumpstart Test Prep in the math sections.
Practice Tests
This May, I will be seventeen (), and I STILL don’t have my permit, driver’s license, nor do I know how to even drive a car (LOL), but I am done making excuses. It’s time for me to get behind the wheel (hehe), so I am taking these online permit practice tests. Y’all just better watch out (literally, haha) because I’m about to be DRIVING!
Asking For Help
Okay, so I have a reeaallyy bad habit of over-committing myself to things because I have some sort of need inside myself to have to do everything and help everyone. Don’t get me wrong, it’s a great quality to have, but it has its downsides. For example, I get super overwhelmed sometimes, and I feel like I have to everything on my OWN, but I am learning that I DON’T. It’s taken me way too long to realize, but this bad habit was really taking a toll on my mental health, but not anymore! This girl is asking for help from now on 🙂
Let Go, Let God
I also have tendency to care and worry about things that do not concern me. I put so much on myself and jeopardize my mental health for NO reason. I cannot fix everything and everyone, and it’s not my responsibility to try to do, so I am giving it up and giving it to God.
Luke 22:42
Believing in Myself
I cannot tell you how much pressure I put on myself to try to be this perfect person who has their life together all the time when really my life is NEVER together. I am constantly trying to do so much to overcompensate for my own insecurities, but I am good enough, and I need to start believing that and in myself.
Finding Time to Decompress
Before coming to MSA, I had no problem with this, as I didn’t have roommates or any distractions. However, being here has proved to be a challenge to really take a break and decompress, but I am going to carve out time to really just focus on myself.
Writing OFTEN
Writing is my number one passion, and I know I go to school where my discipline of study is writing, but I never write unprompted or because I want to anymore. It’s usually an assignment, which I have no problem or dread doing, I just miss writing for fun. One of my goals was to grow in my writing and in literary, and I think I am succeeding (with the help of Ms. Sibley), but I really want to get back to writing just because.
Self-Reflection
Recently, I had a lovely conversation with my friend, Hannah Hays, and we were talking about our blogs. I asked her what hers was about— y’all should go check it out. She told me that each year she has a sort theme, such as: self-love, self-discovery, forgiveness, etc., so I wondered what my 2019 theme was, and I concluded that it was self-reflection. I did a LOT of that last year; I guess that’s why I have so many new year goals (haha). Anyway, I really want to carry that over into 2020 because self-reflection leads to self-awareness, and that’s really good to have.
Mindset
Finally, I believe that having the right mindset is key to doing anything. If you don’t have a good mindset, you’ll never succeed, so I am going to maintain a positive, driven mindset all 2020!
All in all, it’s a new year, but it’s not a new me; it’s the same me, just with new goals. Goals that I am going to achieve because I have a plan and I’m going to put in the work. I hope that my new year’s resolution inspires you to achieve your own aspirations. I hope that my explanation of my goals resonates or relates to you and incites a change in you. You CAN do this! A new year is great motivation to become your best self, but anytime is great day to start, so take the leap!
There seems to be this notion about the idea of “failure”. That there is this unsaid fact that failure is lost of opportunity or lack of talent. However, that could not any further from the truth. Failure is simply being unsuccessful at a certain objective and it is part of the process to success. It is needed to get you where you need to be at whatever you want to do. I remember an instructor of mine once said to me, “If one does not fail, one does not grow”.
So, what if you didn’t get the job you wanted? Or you didn’t get into the program you wanted to get into? Or your piece was not received as well as you hoped it would? Don’t dare let anything like that be an excuse for giving up. Giving up is just a cop out because you’re not just afraid of failure but you’re scared of struggle. But if that’s the case, you weren’t going to make it very far anyway. Because your passion for your dreams has to be stronger than your fear of struggling.
Because the truth is: you’re going to probably fail over and over until you finally succeed. But just like many people before you, you will get through it. You just have to want it. Imagine if all the greats, all the people we idolize in the world gave up on their dreams as soon as they faced adversity. Michael Jordan was cut from his basketball team when he was in high school. Now he is regarded as the best player to ever play basketball.
Do not get anxious about your journey into success. The truth is: success comes in waves. One day you’re at the top of the world; other days, it seems like you’re barely making it. That’s ok. Don’t judge your accomplishments based on tiny steps; your journey is what makes it worth while. It is something that continues until your last days. Just breathe, and keep working. Keep pushing yourself to be better than the person you were a day ago.
Because truth be told: as long as you’re progressing, you’re always succeeding. You’re not stagnant which is even worse than failure. Because that means you can not grow. So, don’t judge yourself based on trivial, superficial matters such as trophies, money, and popularity. True success relies within the fact of how you changed the world around you and affecting the people in the world, and you do that just by being yourself. So you are already succeeding.
So, never stop pushing yourself. Chase your dreams without care. Better yourself every day and I promise you will succeed. I believe in you.
Once upon a time in a far distant life, I used to be a cheerleader. My fascination with cheerleading started when I was just a little girl. I would say watching the movie Bring it On and seeing Gabrielle Union portraying a fierce, beautiful African American cheerleader. It made me believe that cheerleading was everything and that if I was a cheerleader, I could be beautiful as well.
Gabrielle Union in Bring it On 2000
I remember one morning my mother called my siblings and me to her bedroom, and asked us if we wanted to play soccer for the local little league. My brother and sister were ecstatic and immediately said yes to her offer. However, I, on the other hand, could have cared less about playing soccer. My heart was set on cheerleading, so I asked my mother, “Do they have cheerleading, Ma?” In my sweet little five-year-old voice and my mother look me dead in my face and said, “Yeah, they do. I will sign you up.” Now I’m as happy as a poor man with a bag of gold. I’m telling y’all, I was looking up cheers on YouTube getting ready for the first day of practice. I thought I was finally going to live out my dreams.
A couple of weeks go by and the first day of practice was finally here. We pulled into the stadium and all I see are soccer fields, soccer goals, and soccer players. I’m thinking… “where the heck the cheerleaders at?” I asked my mother, “Ma where am I’m going to cheer at? I only see soccer goals.” My mother turned around and told me, “Oh, Step, I forgot to tell you that they don’t have cheer. So, you are just going to play soccer like your brother and sister.” Y’all. When she said that, I swore I knew at five years old what heartbreak felt like. I immediately started crying, I had no interest in playing soccer. Yet my mother did not care. She said I was playing soccer, or I wasn’t playing any sport. I knew then when she said that, not playing a sport was not an option in this family. I sucked up my tears up and played soccer consistently for about three years, and during that time, my soccer skills increased. I became a fast runner and a good kicker; however, my love for soccer did not grow.
Then the day came, it was like God answered my prayers. At the age of eight, I started cheering for another local little league and I fell in love…with cheerleading. I felt so happy at practice while learning cheers and dances. I especially felt elated on game day when I wore my cute little uniform. Being gregarious with the audience while dancing and cheering. I truly loved it and so I took a pause on playing soccer, and I continued to cheer for about six years until I was in eighth grade.
At the middle school I attended, when you reached the eighth grade you were eligible to play soccer for the high school. Now, did I want to play soccer? No. Did I have a choice? Again, no. You see, my sister excelled at soccer; she was a very talented goalie. Her senior year, my mother made me try out for the high school team so she could see her girls play together. Looking back at it…playing on the same team as my sister bonded us. However, at the time, I could care less about playing soccer in high school. I was focused on cheering my last year of middle school and hopefully making the high school cheer team. Nevertheless, I tried out and made it onto the high school soccer team. I was playing soccer and cheering at the same time for two different schools. (Can you say tired?) It wasn’t a bad experience entirely, and I can honestly say I benefited playing soccer with older girls. But I did not want to continue playing soccer when I got to high school. I wanted to continue cheering, but we all know fate sees things differently.
It was soon time for high school cheer tryouts, and for those who don’t know. There is a cheer clinic a week before you try out so you can be taught the material you need to know to compete for a spot. On a Tuesday evening at school, the bell just rung to signal the end of the day. I got out of my seat and bent down to grab my cheer bag. Suddenly, I felt my kneecap slide and pop. I immediately lost control of my body and slid horizontally into my desk chair. I couldn’t feel the bottom half of my body, and when I tried to get up, I fell. The nurses came and assisted me up, and I guess they thought I was just playing when they told me to walk on it. Now, I will admit I wasn’t trying to take my injury serious when cheer tryouts were just right around the corner. So, despite my nagging pain I still went to the cheer clinic. While practicing my toe touches, I noticed that my jumps weren’t as high, and my knee was restricting me. Nevertheless, I didn’t stop jumping and the pain kept increasing. The cheer coach saw me in pain, and she instructed me to sit down; I did.
Later, that night was my soccer banquet, but I was experiencing so much discomfort I was unable to attend. My mother and siblings still went because my sister was getting awarded that night. I went to bed and propped my knee up with a pillow and went to sleep hoping that the pain would just disappear. Until I was awoken out of my sleep by my pounding knee. I look down to see my knee as big as a basketball. (Okay, I’m being dramatic, but it was incredibly swollen.) The pain was unbearable, and I was balling my eyes out. I called my mother and she took me to the emergency room as soon as she got home. The doctors informed me that my knee was dislocated. My mouth drops to the floor, I knew with a dislocated knee that was not a chance in me trying out for the cheer team.
Even though my knee was dislocated, and I had to walk on crutches, something inside me was still determined to try out for cheer. I asked the doctor would that still be possible, and he told me it was extremely unlikely with tryouts being a week away. I was distraught and couldn’t believe that this was happening to me. The doctor knew that I desperately wanted to try out and he gave me hope by saying, “Listen to this Stephyne, your knee might be in a better condition if you attend physical therapy.” I asked him suspiciously, “So, I will be able to try out next week?” He looks at me and says doubtfully, “It is possible, but it’s highly unlikely.” That was all I needed to fuel my ambition. Before I knew it, I started physical therapy the next day and continued to go to the cheer clinic. So, I can still be learning even though I wasn’t able to walk on my own.
The day for tryouts came and my knee was feeling better, and I was off my crutches. Yet my knee wasn’t healed completely, and I still had months of physical therapy to complete. I was still able to cheer and dance, but I could not do any jumps. I gave my all to cheer tryouts and my best effort. I wanted it so bad and left tryouts feeling confident that I did my best. It was all in God’s hands now.
It only took the judges and coaches a day to determine the roster for the new cheer team. When I found out the new list had been posted on the website. I rushed to see the results; my hands were trembling. When the page loaded, I scroll to the bottom of the list and my heart dropped. I didn’t see my name; therefore, I didn’t make the cheer team.
I remember on that night when I found out, a smile didn’t cross my face, and I’m going to be honest, yes, I did cry myself to sleep. I was so upset and disappointed in myself. I had all these dreams and fantasies about being a high school cheerleader; I felt like it was just taken from me. When, it just wasn’t meant for me and it took me a while to understand that.
Sometimes, in life, I can want things so badly. I will claim it as mine and when I don’t achieve it, I get disappointed in myself. I had to realize what is meant for me is for me. I learned to let go of trying to control my life and let God lead the way.
For my ninth and tenth grade year of high school, I continued to play soccer. I decided to give my best that I could, and with that, my love for soccer grew. I also made some friends that I hope are with me for the rest of my life. Do you guys want to know something funny? You remember the first little league cheer team I was on? I also had the amazing opportunity to be the head cheer coach for two years. The whole experience was amazing, and I was taught valuable life lessons working with children. It was like I saw my younger self in every one of the girls. Sadly, I had to stop coaching and playing soccer when I came to MSA, but like I said, everything happens for a reason. Even though I miss my girls and friends dearly I know that me coming here is happening for a reason. I know that God has my best interest at heart so I will continue to gladly follow his lead.
Looking back on it now, I am grateful that I didn’t make the cheer team. Because I know that if I did, I wouldn’t be where I am now, nor the person I am now. So, I told this story to say this, don’t ponder over something you didn’t achieve; just have faith that something better and bigger is coming into your life!
P.S. Just maybe my mother does know what is best for me. lol 😀
Have you ever gone swimming and you’re swimming in the shallow end of the pool, where your feet can touch the floor and you’re able to move freely without the fear of your head barely scraping over the top of the water and you go under? Have you ever had the urge to suddenly dive into the deep end? Right off of the diving board–into the deep end of the pool, where sometimes you can’t see the bottom and you have absolutely no idea how deep the water is.
Sometimes certain aspects of life can give us that feeling. Like we’re standing on the edge of the diving board, looking over at the water, contemplating our decisions and thinking about how things will end up. And it’s a scary feeling–but I promise if you go into the deep end, things can definitely change for you.
And that’s how it was for me. I was living life in the shallow end of the pool. I was scared to swim outside, scared to go beyond my limitations and see what other things were being offered to me. It took someone forcing me out of the deep end, off of my comfortable float, and into the deep end (surprisingly this is actually how I learned to swim).
Let’s be honest–there’s a lot of scary aspects of life. We have so much fear and anxiety over our lifetimes that it can hold it us back if we don’t know how to handle it correctly. And my anxiety was beginning to do that to me. I was absolutely terrified to put myself on stage and be a performer–yet I had this burning desire to be an actress. The strange thing was that I had performed the National Anthem in front of my entire school (3 times!), sang many times in church, and even played Wendy Darling in my school’s production of Peter Pan, but I still couldn’t find the courage to act.
The bad thing was that I wanted to act. No one was telling me I couldn’t do it except for me. I was telling myself that I wasn’t good enough. I wanted to go to college to study professional acting, but I had this mindset that I would never in my life be good enough for that. I even tried out once for a television acting gig and I didn’t get it, which really took me down a few notches (to be honest, I was only 11 and it ended up being a scam and A LOT of people lost their money).
I even thought of a few other career choices, trying to take my mind off of acting. Education. Interior design. Journalist. But they didn’t seem like me. My parents noticed that I loved acting and told me about this musical coming up the next town over. Mary Poppins Jr. They asked me if I wanted to audition, and I told them no. They kept persuading me and pestering me about it, but I kept telling them no. But in the back of my mind, this voice kept telling me “Abigail, don’t be a dummy. You know you want to audition. Stupid head, audition for the freaking musical!” The voice kept getting stronger, and finally, I gave in. I told my parents I wanted to audition.
The bad thing was that I had never even SEEN Mary Poppins. I knew it was about this nanny, but I had no idea what the deal was. So when the time came for my audition, I was terrified. I was freaking out and I knew I would be playing the tree that swayed in the background. When my name was called to audition, I went on stage and sang “God Bless America” and then performed a cold read of Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs with a few other people. I left my audition unsettled. I was uncomfortable, and I just knew I was gonna be the perfect tree in the background.
Then I got a callback. I was shocked, confused, and sort of happy. I would never in a million years thought I was capable of doing something like that. So my mom drove me to my callback and she waited patiently in the car while I was told to sing high notes I never even knew I could hit. I had to act and sing all over again, but this time I had to act out a lead role.
Once again, I left unsettled. This time though, I was thinking I was gonna get the role bigger than the tree maybe. Then on the way home, the director texted me and my mom. He said words I’ll never forget.
Congratulations, I think you’re going to make a wonderful Mary Poppins!
I was crying. I was so shocked I had no idea what to say or do. It was the biggest role I had to play yet, and I never even been to this theatre before!
I met some amazing people during the run of the show. One would become one of my best friends, and he encouraged me to come to MSA with him. We make a pretty inseparable pair now.
If I wouldn’t have dove right in to the deep end, there’s no way I would have done that musical or even considered MSA. I’m so thankful and so proud to be here.
I encourage you to dive into the deep end too. You never know what may come of it.
I’ve personally never been big on setting goals and resolutions for the New Year until last year, which is really the reason I made it here. My goal for this year hasn’t differentiated much from last year’s, however. Last year, it was to put more time and effort into my grades and work more towards getting into this school.
I had never been very serious about my grades until I heard of this school, and I decided I wanted to try and get all A’s for the first time so I could increase the probability of getting in. Although I did not get all A’s, I brought my grades significantly higher than they were before and ended up making it in, and raising my self esteem based on my founded potential. Since I have been here, I have only had all A’s on my progress and report cards after convincing myself I was capable of doing so.
This year, my goal/ resolution is to get all A’s and bring my ACT score up at least 4 points. Although I have more than just academic goals, I’m mainly focusing on these so I can get into a better college next year. I’m really just trying to work towards making my future really successful.
Before I came here, I had never thought about college or what I wanted to do with my life, much less use my passion for writing as a way to get a job or scholarship. At my old school, I was always really behind in my classes compared to all my friends due to my dyslexia, and it was really frustrating and discouraging. I was put in classes that never really challenged me the way I needed to be challenged. I gained a mentality that I probably wouldn’t be good enough to even get into a local collage. It wasn’t until last year that I started really trying in school and found what I was really capable of.
I had an interview with a war veteran in History class and my teacher asked him, “If this was the last group of students you could ever talk to, what would you say, or what do you think they need to know?” He paused for a little bit and then answered, “I would tell them… never let where you’re from make you feel like you can’t do something.” Living in Mississippi and the education system not being very effective in most parts, we are looked at as being unintelligent and incapable of having a great abundance of knowledge. However, this particular war veteran grew up in Mississippi as well and graduated from Yale and got his higher degree in learning at Harvard. Don’t let where you come from limit what you’re capable of.
Really, you can find yourself accomplishing things you never knew you were capable of until you make an effort to better yourself in any aspect. While I have my academic goals, I’m also working this year to be more outgoing and loving. This is something that is extremely difficult for me to do after losing a lot of people in my life. Believe it or not, I used to be really outgoing and talkative when I was younger, but every year of getting older, I lost more and more of that part of myself after dealing with *life*. It’s a part of myself that I want to get back, and with work, I can.
I hope you all do great with keeping your resolutions this year:)
Have you ever gotten in your own way of doing something that you really wanted to do? I know I have. For as long as I can remember, I’ve stopped myself from doing things that I actually really wanted to do because I’ve been too afraid to do them. I’ve skipped dances and parties because I didn’t think anyone wanted me there. I’ve avoided speaking with people because I believed that they would find me annoying and wouldn’t want to talk to me. I have been this way for as long as I can remember. Around this time last year, I realized a change had to be made.
“Try new things”
I had never really considered making a New Years’ resolution before last year. I don’t quite remember what made me do it, but I decided that 2019 was going to be the year that I tried new things. Somehow I thought this may stop me from getting in my own way and missing out on things but it didn’t quite work out the way I wanted it to.
I started ordering new things at restaurants. Although this wasn’t the parties and other social interactions I was looking for, it was a start. I discovered a love for eggrolls and hummus through this practice.
By May, I was sure that I was coming to MSA. This was a definite case of me trying something new, as I had previously attended the same school since Pre-K. That summer, I did a lot of traveling. For a long time, I counted this as trying something new. But after a while, I realized that my travels didn’t count. Even though I was going to new places and seeing new things, I wasn’t really challenging myself. Therefore, it didn’t count.
So by the time December rolled around, I realized two things. One was that I had remembered my resolution until the end of the year, which is not a common occurrence. Another was that despite remembering my resolution, I hadn’t really done much with it. Sure, I’d eaten new things, traveled, and made some major life changes, but I still felt unsatisfied. I still felt as though I wasn’t doing the best that I could.
“Work for what you want… then get it”
For my 2020 resolution, I decided to go all in. No more stopping myself from doing things just because I’m afraid to do them. If 2019 and a failed resolution taught me anything, it was that I’m a bit of a pushover. I missed out on a lot because I was lazy or too nervous to do something and now I regret it. So this year, if I want something, I’m going to get it. And if I have to work to get it, then I’m going to do just that. I’m going to work hard for what I want and take it.
I’ve realized that if you don’t let yourself do what you want, then you’ll never get to do anything you want to do. It’s as simple as that. I have no idea why it took me so long to figure that out.
So to anyone reading this, I’d like to let you know that you shouldn’t waste time standing in your own way. Talk to new people even though they may find you annoying! You shouldn’t care about what they think of you! Try new things, even if it scares you at first! You’ll likely regret not taking doing it! Don’t be like me. Take a risk every once in a while. I know that sounds cliché, but trust me when I say you won’t regret it.
