Category: Junior Literary

Guys,

I know I promised a post about chapbook, but when life hands you lemons… sometimes you fall apart.

I am a person who thrives on order and control. However, my life has been anything but the last few weeks. I haven’t been completing any of the tasks I’ve written in my planner, and I’ve seriously considered not planning anymore. The world has been turned upside down, so it’s hard to plan ahead in a time where nothing is certain.

Today, I moved out of my dorm, and it was bittersweet, but it was also eye opening. I HAD SO MUCH STUFF, like if you know, you know. It’s honestly crazy to me how much stuff I had. I am definitely going to be doing some SERIOUS purging. I have also learned that just because you like something does not mean you need 50 of them ??‍♀️. This time is a time of reflection and learning for me.

I also think it’s God forcing me to let go and let him guide me, instead of me trying to do it all on my own. Growing up, my parents were always working and my siblings were all way older than me, so I was alone a lot, and I did, in some ways, have to take care of myself. It made me independent, and I think that’s my problem— I’m too independent, for my age at least. Sometimes I forget that I’m only 16, and that I don’t have to have it together 24/7. Sometimes I can just be a kid! My mom reminds me of that one all the time ?. But it’s not my will, it’s God’s. I can’t control everything, and I shouldn’t feel like I have to.

The past 2 weeks have been especially trying for me. I forgot what it was and turned my blog in way late, and the two after that, I typed on the day they were supposed to post. Then, I missed my first assignment deadline. It’s been a sort of downward spiral for me, and I feel like a failure. I know that a couple late assignments aren’t such a big deal to some, but to me, it’s a huge deal. I’m not necessarily competitive, but I am very insecure about a lot of aspects in my life, so I overcompensate by trying to be “the best” and being on top of things all the time. However, I am learning about a thing called forgiveness. Forgiveness isn’t just for other people; it’s for myself too! And I forgive myself!! I’m not perfect, and it gets exhausting trying to be all the time. One of my goals for 2020, was to “Let go and let God”, so that’s what I’m trying to do. It’s not easy, but I am slowing giving up that control and those burdens I put on myself, so that I can be made new.

I know that this blog is titled, “Who Am I?”, but the truth is” I don’t know anymore, and maybe I never really did. However, I am learning and growing, so I may not know who I am right now, but I hope by the end of all this, I will.

Thanks for reading!

Hey, guys. I hope quarantine has been groovy for all of you. (:

(except the people throwing parties everyday…yeah, you know who you are; I hope your fries have too much salt)

Well, it looks like I am typing my second-to-last blog as a junior. For awhile, I debated about typing something intriguing—like an examination of the secrets of the universe—but I decided to stick with my good ol’ monthly series (my last one…probably forever…). Besides, you can not handle the vast expanse of knowledge that I have gathered from my travels through the star systems, I—have been watching too much Star Wars apparently. 

I have typed so many regretful blogs in which I have ranted. Dear committed readers who have traveled through my excessive explosion of words, I pity you. I pity you because you probably know all about my love for new wave music, tacos, and synthesizers. I pity you because you probably know more about Tears for Fears than the average individual (they are releasing a new album probably next year, so run for your lives before I type another review). I pity you because I have subjected you all to my humor, my words, my existence. My blogs are adventures that few survive, but I have been so grateful for the opportunity to share my thoughts. Because, past all of the random typos and slightly pompous (and idiotic) phrasing, this is who I am.

(This is my second attempt at writing this blog post…sigh.)

So, school was practically cancelled. I usually anticipate the worst, but hearing the news made me realize how much hope I had.

I am so sick of seeing houses with twenty cars parked nearby, inflatable bouncy castles, and convoys of speeding cars driven by teenagers. Hm, I wonder why the number of cases will not drop?

I feel like we are in the midst of summer…only with virtual learning, stress, and apathy. Time and time again, life proves itself to be a roller coaster of events and emotions. On one hand, you can seize the opportunity to make use of your time and plan for the future. But on the other hand, why? When will this end? What is the point of planning ahead when an impossible number of days exist between now and tomorrow?

Some days, I could not care less. I love all of this extra time. And when online work ceases to exist, I will have time to approach long-awaited projects. But some days I wake up bitter and annoyed. I want to do nothing. I immerse myself in anything but reality, or I dwell on the bottomless amount of negatives. The workload, although minimal, feels impossible. And I count the days despite not having anything to count down to.

What is the point of anything? Pessimism arrives without fail, day after day. I read my old blogs and hate them. I read anything I have written…hate it. And then I think of my laughable attempts to stay optimistic and help people. What is the point of optimism and humor if it does nothing? What is the point of moving forward if you only run in place? I hate constantly finding myself captured in in-between places.

But guess what?

Running in place is not a useless exercise. Anything counts. Tomorrow does exist, and what is the point of tomorrow if you ignore today?

I wake up in the morning and think of everything I have lost and all that is uncertain. But seriously? Does it matter? Yes, it does, but is quarantine that horrible? I used to wake up in a rush, and I drank the majority of my coffee in a crowded elevator. But now I savor it. And everyday I have coffee, and everyday my mom pours me a cup. She does this without me having to ask…everyday.

Sometimes I allow the fog of pessimism to absorb my attention, shrouding everything with a grey tint. But the sun has continued to set, streaking the sky with pink and purple. I love sunsets beyond belief; they fill my heart with something indescribable. Sometimes I want to lie in a patch of clovers and watch the pink clouds crawl across the sky, watching as the world slips into a purple pool of fading light. Sometimes the sky seems so immense, so appealing. I wish I could sink into it.

I am sick of hearing about the “new normal”. I am sick of fear and uncertainty and disappointment. I am sick of holding onto what used to be; I want to let go, let my mind breathe.

Allow yourself time to settle. Get sick of daydreams or loudly cry into your journal. But you need to wake up; do not spend this multitude of “todays” asleep in life. But then you must forgive yourself. Forgive yourself for all of the days you grieved over stale chicken sandwiches, for all of the days you stared at your ceiling for hours and ignored those you should have thanked. Forgive yourself for all of what you took for granted. Forgive yourself for not saying good-bye.

I have spent so many days asleep in life, lately. I have lived only halfway; I have wanted to live halfway. But why? Some of it is justified, I will say, but come on…

Yes, this—to state it plainly—sucks. I am introvert who dislikes large social gatherings, but even I think this sucks. 

But you must move forward. Let go, please. You are only hurting yourself. Stop counting the days. Stop wishing. And stop pretending that everything is fine. Be honest with yourself and everyone around you.

I was forced to learn a lot this month. I spent many hours staring at my computer and plowing through homework, less stressed but lacking motivation. I listened to music ninety percent of every day (which will not change), and I clung to useless fragments of a past routine. But I learned to persevere even on the days I felt overwhelmingly grey and empty. I learned (and am still learning) to be patient with my surroundings and appreciate the privileges I once had (*an empty dorm room*).

All in all, I have felt unnecessarily irritated, bitter, and apathetic. I have listened to The Cure at a loud volume (but I do that anyway, hah), and I have hid in my room like a hermit detesting much interaction. But I have realized the benefits of such an extraordinary (extra ordinary) occurrence, and I am learning to have patience and greater appreciation. I am learning to resist over-dramatic reactions (school being cancelled does not warrant a hundred journal entries of complaints). Anyway, I have had to learn a lot. And although it sucks to have the end of this school year ripped away, I still have my senior year (cue the confused panic).

I am about to empty out my dorm room, so hopefully that should establish a sense of finality in my mind. Because, for some reason, I feel that I will wake up in my room on the sixth floor and see my fantastic suitemate next door before we run to class. I feel that I will take the elevator with my seniors and see them in class. But I am about to be the senior. I already had my last day as a junior on campus, and I can do nothing to change that. I can do nothing to change the fact that everything will be different.

So, after all of this rambling, what is my message?

Well, when online work ends, I am about to wreak havoc. Flower pots need painting, music discoveries need to be made, and synthesizer riffs need attention.

Oh, wait, the message, yes…enough about me.

Stop hating everything. Wake up, please. Let go of what is holding you back, even if it is temporary. Explore today and have hope. Indulge in dreams and wishes for the future, but do not detach yourself from reality. Get out of your head; do not sink into a convoluted headspace. Take care of yourself, and extend your attention to the well-being of others. In-between places will drag you into an inescapable abyss if you possess the wrong mindset. You need to escape your worries, your uncertainty, and you must take control of the present. What can you do for yourself right now? What can you do now that will positively affect your future? How can you help those around you? Never give up.

There are times when I despise everything I create, everything I have influenced. There are times when I read old blogs and cringe because I am an absolute laughingstock. And there are times when I would rather isolate myself completely than confront obligations and disappoint everyone.

But the sun rises; the sun sets. The moon, although often out of sight, always brightens the darkest of skies. Dandelions grow between the cracks in the asphalt, resilient as ever. Your lungs take in oxygen without much conscious thought (you are now aware of your breathing…haha). Do whatever makes you happy, even if it is ranting about new wave music to exasperated listeners. Lie in the grass and watch the clouds and dream of impossible things like stepping into the sky and falling into a world of color. You influence the earth in so many ways; you are connected to so many other individuals.

Therefore, in conclusion, I have one last question: Who are you in spite of all of this?

Thank you.

Wednesday’s Fun Fact:

Monstera deliciosa (Swiss cheese plant):

This is one of my favorite plants. I love the leaves and the name. Perhaps it translates to “delicious monster”?

Until next time. (:

Hey guys,

I’ll be honest— it’s 8am, and I am frantically typing this blog post, as we make the long drive home, but instead of a post about chapbooks, I’m going to just talk about what’s been going on in my life recently.

Most of you all know that a tornado came through late Sunday night and destroyed most of our little town. Now, we are in the process of cleaning up and trying to rebuild, but also in the process of healing.

Just last week we were social distancing and trying to find toilet paper and hand sanitizer, but now, I can’t tell you how many people I’ve hugged and how many tears I’ve shed. It’s surreal to me because quarantine seems like a distant memory, but how are people supposed to isolate themselves when they’ve lost everything?

Our community, with no hesitation, has come together to heal and rebuild, and it’s inspiring, but also, quite concerning. I mean, on top of everything, people can’t afford to contract a deadly virus because they weren’t taking proper safety precautions, and my family and I are no exception. However, we’ve all been told to stay home for the last few months, but how can you stay home when you no longer have a home? It’s a dilemma that I’d never thought I’d have to question, and it’s almost if natural disaster and destruction have taken precedence over the pandemic.

Priorities and level-headedness have gone out the window— taken away by trauma and tragedy. So, where do we go from here?

Personally, I was fortunate enough to only have some minor roof damage to my house and no power for a week. However, we lost the roof and ceiling of our family business; consequently, causing us to lose most everything inside the building too. It’s been quite emotional for me, especially because I was raised there, took my first steps there, learned how to read and write there; it’s not just a place or a source of income for us. It’s a part of us. It’s home, and to see your home and childhood memories in ruins is devastating.

However, what’s more devastating is that the damage depicted in those photos are so minuscule in comparison to others’ damage. There are entire houses that were blown away, as if there was nothing there to begin with. It’s incredible, and all we can do is pray.

Usually, I’m not one to talk about things like this, especially on a public platform because I never want to relay the message that I am seeking attention and/or pity, but I think that in the time we’re in, things like this need to be talked about. It has really put things into perspective, especially during quarantine when most of us have been complaining about staying home and being bored. And, I’ll admit, at first I was resentful because this all felt like a big punishment, as if cancelling school and all events weren’t already bad enough, but my perspective has changed. If this had happened at a normal time, things would be tremendously harder. I mean, I would still be in school, worried about being at home, not being able to focus. Business would be bad because we would’ve had to shut down abruptly, but since it’s happened in the middle of all this, business was already pretty slow and we were only doing take-out. So, in a way, it’s kind of a blessing. It’s a fresh start and a new beginning.

I planned on posting about chapbooks for National Poetry Month this week, but since I am currently working on my second one for my Mixed Media final, I thought I’d just share that next week. Thank you all for being patient with me during this transition. <3

Normally, ’tis Maleigh that does the interviews and the “journalistic” types of blog posts. But, an assignment that Mrs. Sibley gave us this week has really had me thinking. “Beings that everyone comes from completely different backgrounds, what do other people think about this whole thing called Politics?” So, I talked to 5 people, 2 seniors,  2 juniors, and a Boomer, and asked them all the same series of questions. 

Brianna Cox

What would you say your political affiliation is? Why?
– I don’t really have one. I just believe in human rights for everyone because I agree with both parties and I disagree with both. I also don’t know enough to really have an opinion.

What do you think about the generational divide between Boomers and Gen. Z?
– I think that times have changed and there is still a lot of boomers stuck in their ways and refuse to accept the way things are now.

Do you think that our perspective on the world reflects on our person? Why?
– Yes; I think if you’re an optimistic person, the world will seem like a better place, but if you’re a pessimistic person, it won’t. I’ve noticed that people who try to keep an optimistic view tend to be happier.

What is your opinion on the state of the world right now?
– I think that if everyone showed kindness, it would be a lot better. But right now, there are  too many people that are just hateful.

What part do you think race plays in our society?
– For some people, it doesn’t play a part at all. But for other, it decides whether they like a person or not. There’s so much prejudice against poc (people of color). They get little to no justice no matter where they are. White people have privilege regardless of whether they accept it or not. The faster we accept that, the faster we can use it to help everyone.

What part do you think gender plays in our society?
– Oh, women get stomped all over whether people realize it or not. Men make rules regarding women’s bodies. The wage gap between men and women is huge, women making 79 cents for every man’s dollar. Men can get vasectomies whenever, while women have to have to meet all sorts of criteria in order for them to get their tubes tied. Almost everything negatively affects women.

Stephyne Weathersby

What would you say your political affiliation is? Why?
– My political affiliation is a democrat because I believe that the government should provide assistance to those who need it. The world is hard and sometimes people need a helping hand.

What do you think about the generational divide between Boomers and Gen. Z?
– I understand that we are going to have different opinions. I mean that’s expected. However, I do not support when people wish death on the Boomers. I do feel like that [is] extreme and you shouldn’t wish death on anyone. But I do understand certain things the boomers say are problematic but [they] aren’t all like that. For instance my grandmother is a part of the boomer generation and me and her have intellectual conversations all the time. No we don’t agree with each other all the time but that doesn’t mean I stop talking to her. People love to exile someone who believe the same thing as them instead of trying to learn why they believe that way. We don’t have to agree with what they believe but we can come to a mutual understanding to say, “Hey, I don’t support that, but I do understand that is your opinion.” I think that if we talk more about things, we can close the gate on hate.

Do you think that our perspective on the world reflects on our person? Why?
– Yes because how you view the world reflects your opinions on the world. Also, it affects your choices as well. For instance, if you believe that the health of the world isn’t important, then you have no problem with littering. So [how] you view the world is really important and it mirrors who you are as a person.

What is your opinion on the state of the world right now?
– I think that the world is lost and it has been for a very long time now. We are lost and we need to learn new ways to function so we can have [a] better, accepting society. After quarantine, the world is never going to be the same, and I hope it’s for the better. I do believe that if everyone actively plays a positive part in helping the world and people, that it could be for the better. We need to use COVID-19 as a sign to become a better, united world.

What part do you think race plays in our society?
– Unfortunately, because [of] how this world was developed, race plays in every part in our society. Often, people think that it’s not racism to not acknowledge race and to “not see color” but that’s only doing more damage. To just ignore race would be to ignore someone’s culture, someone’s struggle of life. Because how someone was raised and who that person is has to do with their race, we have to pay attention to race in this society because if we don’t, we are accepting to ignore the racial issues in this world. We have to talk about it and discuss race and not be afraid.

What part do you think gender plays in our society?
– Gender plays whatever part and how much you allow it to play in our society. I believe that a woman can do anything a man can do. I believe certain people let their gender limit them because society tells them that they can’t. But if you believe that you can do something that you can do it regardless of your gender, race, anything.

Kathy Nguyen

What would you say your political affiliation is? Why?
-I don’t have one. I care more for the qualities in that candidate. I am not a democrat or a republican or anything really. I care more for policies and honesty. So basically I’m not affiliated with anything. I keep my options open.

What do you think about the generational divide between Boomers and Gen. Z?
-I think there needs to be a safe space where we can find common ground. Our values are way different because of the time. This always applies to the political parties because democrats no weren’t considered democrats back then. Like, they had different beliefs.

Do you think that our perspective on the world reflects on our person? Why?
– I think it reflects on how we react to situations. You can have many perspective on things, but really how you use that to affect your actions reflect on you as a person

What is your opinion on the state of the world right now?
– People are very scared right now. When you’re scared, you get paranoid and do stupid things. Right now, it really shows who we are as a society. Our actions now are reflecting on our society. I feel like there are so many negatives but we forget the good things are going on. We are also distracted because of this virus.

What part do you think race plays in our society?
– Bro, yes. I think it’s good that have different groups of people. Because we have diversity, we can come together. This time has made me more sympathetic towards other ethnic groups. I am now thinking more of other minorities when bad situations blow up and how they were alienated. Because I’m not the only [one] going through this.

What part do you think gender plays in our society?
– Gender identity is very empowering for a lot of people. It’s something that can make us confident and give us comfort. There is a divide in genders, but everyday the line is just being blurred. People just need to be respectful. There’s so much confusion about gender identity, but if you take the time to understand then things would go more smoothly. I see a lot of inferior feelings between men and women, and this goes both ways. People forget that feminism is about equality. No gender is superior [over] another.

Dion Ruiz

What would you say your political affiliation is? Why?
– I would say for the most part I’m pretty liberal, but I wouldn’t call myself a Democrat. The Democratic Politicians like to dangle change in the face of black people without really delivering, so I can’t really prescribe to them. The Republican Party strictly serves the interest of cis, straight, white males. Therefore, I have no business on that side of the fence either. So, all in all, I would describe myself as a intermediate liberal.

What do you think about the generational divide between Boomers and Gen. Z?
– I feel an inability to progress mentally causes it. The human brain matures at 25. So, relatively speaking, at that age, political, social, and economical standpoints are solidified inside a persons mind for the most part. Ever hear the phrase, “Can’t teach an old dog new tricks?” That little saying really summarizes why the generational divide is inevitable. It’s a hard pill to swallow when everything you’ve thought to be right is proven to be wrong. However, this is the reality of evolutionary thought. I think of myself as fairly progressive or “woke” in my thinkings, but I’m pretty sure my standpoints will be proven, through sensible reasoning, to be wrong. While I seem to have a good grasp on that reality, I’m sure I will struggle with it just as the “Boomers” are. It’s never easy being told your wrong.

Do you think that our perspective on the world reflects on our person? Why?
– Forgive me if I’m misunderstanding the question, but I feel it’s backwards. I think our person reflects our perspective of the world. Take the confederate flag, for example. A lot of Caucasians can’t fathom why a piece of fabric could hold so much negative meaning. That’s because people who look like them were not targeted by people flying that flag. However, they can and will detest the swastika as a negative sign because people who looked like them were targeted by people wearing that symbol. It’s the fact that your quality of life is completely indicative on how you look that makes me believe this statement to be true. If I live out my entire life eating nothing but broccoli, a person who has never tasted broccoli could never tell me what it is to eat it. Therefore, I will have a view that is not shared by them. We will have completely different outlooks on food or “life”.

What is your opinion on the state of the world right now?
– That’s probably the hardest you’ve asked me so far. To be honest, I don’t really have an opinion. I haven’t really taken the time to form an opinion on the world because it’s depressing when you think about it. If I had to give an opinion, I would just say “bad”.  The world is going downhill at a rapid pace, and the people with the power to do anything about [it] won’t be alive long enough to deal with their lack of problem solving. So, yeah, I would just say “bad”.

What part do you think race plays in our society?
– Every part. From the day I was born to the day I die, I will be an “African American”.  That is a box that was already checked for me when I was born. A box I have to check when I’m in school, when applying for jobs, when getting any piece of identification for myself given by the state. It would be ludicrous to suggest that race doesn’t play a part in every aspect of life because if that were so, I wouldn’t have to constantly disclose mine. And I say that as if you couldn’t tell with one look that I was black. Everything, to the way you’re treated in a store, at school, in the legal system, etc. is based off your race. The only people that would disagree as a majority would be white people. What do you call white person? I’m “African American” and that Asian girl is “Asian American” and that Cherokee boy is “Native American”. The fact that they don’t have to be hyphenated to be identified shows you why they’d disagree. Race is present in every aspect of life.

What part do you think gender plays in our society?
– At a risk of sounding repetitive, every part. Based off your sex, you are assigned a gender (which is not derivative of your reproductive organs, or at least shouldn’t be). The gender you are perceived as has many expectations tied to it. Being a man, you are expected to prescribe to masculinity, in all its toxicity. Being a woman, however, you are expected to prescribe to the standards of femininity, but you have no say in said standard. Society favors men in many ways. In my opinion, one of the most important ways they are favored is when it comes to being heard. A man’s place is defined by men, and a woman’s place is ALSO defined by men. Due to this, women have to fight much harder to push pass boundaries. Being a man, I have little knowledge on the experience of being treated differently based of my gender, however the difference is most definitely present. I just can’t go into as much detail as I would like because I can’t describe disadvantages that I don’t experience.

Now, I thought it completely unfair that I only spoke to teenagers around my age. So, I interviewed the most home-grown boomer I know: My Dad. 

Tim Sullivan

(I will not be including a picture for familial reasons)

What would you say your political affiliation is? Why?
-I’m a Conservative, because I believe in smaller government and more individual freedom.

What do you think about the generational divide between Boomers and Gen. Z?
-Most of Generation Z are being raised without traditional values of respect, working for your income, and self-sufficiency.

Do you think that our perspective on the world reflects on our person? Why?
-Yeah, because I think your outlook on the world determines how you interact with other people.

What is your opinion on the state of the world right now?
-The world is unsettled, unstable, and there is a lot of distrust among people. And as a result, if you can’t trust people, it makes it hard to get alone with people.

What part do you think race plays in our society?
-People of all different races have predetermined opinions about other people of other races.

What part do you think gender plays in our society?
-I think there’ll always be a different way that men and women approach problems. They generally will solve problems different ways. Men tend to be more logical, women tend to be more emotional. It’s not true across the board, but it is a tendency.

There it is. I hope you enjoyed reading this and that you can agree with at least a few things that were said. Now, I know that some of the topics brought up could be considered controversial, but if you found something different from your own personal views, please don’t respond with animosity. Instead, I ask that you try to understand where they are coming from. It never hurts to listen. 

Well, I apologize if this post was way too long, but I hope you have an amazing rest of your week. See you soon. 🙂