underestimate of time

sink in

let out

breathe

mattress is too soft

and the springs are too hard

and this is nothing

nothing at all

because it doesn’t matter

none of it matters and it’s all funny

hilarious

i laugh till I cry

and i cry until i heave

and i heave until i panic

then break down

and cry

and cry

and cry

until i can’t see anymore

and all is dark

and lonely

i am nothing

yet everything

and everything matters now

so i sew my lips shut

and don’t laugh anymore

laughing is unacceptable

though i was only hours before

or minutes

or seconds

small ant bites

and bee stings

across my arms

and legs

and chest

fingernails bleed

and i kiss them gently

on my knuckles there is pink

pink skin

colored by crayons

or markers

i can never quite tell

i dont know if i’m

living

or

existing

or are they the same?

i breathe again

just to let it out

and none of it matters

but i over think it any way

then it’s too important

and my knees and shivering

and my spine is shaking

i am a tree

swaying in a forest fire

and none of it makes sense

i am an incoherent thought

melting faces

and sticky toes

my tongue is too big

and i chew on it like bubble gum

and pretend

that it’s my last meal

ulcers coat my cheeks

i remind myself that pain is an illusion

just your brain letting your body know something is wrong

if you didn’t have a sense of touch you

wouldn’t feel at all

it isn’t real

i’m not there any more

and when i get my heart broken

it will heal

even if it physically stings and burns

promise me marriage

i’m aware it is just for show

it makes me feel loved

important

essential

significant

something

give me something to hold onto

that isn’t worry

and panic

maybe if i jump

my head will crack on the pavement

and people will think that matters

because everything matters

even if it is meaningless

even if this is just repetition

life is only a question

following more questions

don’t become self aware

or wonder what it’s like to have a different brain

it only makes it more unbearable

everyone is miserable

remember that

no one is truly happy

but we are all trying to be okay

we are trying to matter

even if it’s just pretend

even if it is just in illusion

sink in

let out

breathe

Author: Chloe Russell

Life is strange and people are complicated, and that is why I love to write.