sink in
let out
breathe
mattress is too soft
and the springs are too hard
and this is nothing
nothing at all
because it doesn’t matter
none of it matters and it’s all funny
hilarious
i laugh till I cry
and i cry until i heave
and i heave until i panic
then break down
and cry
and cry
and cry
until i can’t see anymore
and all is dark
and lonely
i am nothing
yet everything
and everything matters now
so i sew my lips shut
and don’t laugh anymore
laughing is unacceptable
though i was only hours before
or minutes
or seconds
small ant bites
and bee stings
across my arms
and legs
and chest
fingernails bleed
and i kiss them gently
on my knuckles there is pink
pink skin
colored by crayons
or markers
i can never quite tell
i dont know if i’m
living
or
existing
or are they the same?
i breathe again
just to let it out
and none of it matters
but i over think it any way
then it’s too important
and my knees and shivering
and my spine is shaking
i am a tree
swaying in a forest fire
and none of it makes sense
i am an incoherent thought
melting faces
and sticky toes
my tongue is too big
and i chew on it like bubble gum
and pretend
that it’s my last meal
ulcers coat my cheeks
i remind myself that pain is an illusion
just your brain letting your body know something is wrong
if you didn’t have a sense of touch you
wouldn’t feel at all
it isn’t real
i’m not there any more
and when i get my heart broken
it will heal
even if it physically stings and burns
promise me marriage
i’m aware it is just for show
it makes me feel loved
important
essential
significant
something
give me something to hold onto
that isn’t worry
and panic
maybe if i jump
my head will crack on the pavement
and people will think that matters
because everything matters
even if it is meaningless
even if this is just repetition
life is only a question
following more questions
don’t become self aware
or wonder what it’s like to have a different brain
it only makes it more unbearable
everyone is miserable
remember that
no one is truly happy
but we are all trying to be okay
we are trying to matter
even if it’s just pretend
even if it is just in illusion
sink in
let out
breathe