Category: Junior Literary

School is, unfortunately, coming to an end. I think this year has been filled with…

unforgettable memories, and amazing people. I went to Alabama for the Shakespeare fest, New Orleans for a Writers Workshop. Picked up play-writing, learned about my disliking of writing poetry. Even just moving out of my house and in to a dorm room was a big deal. I got to learn how to live with roommates and suite-mates. The amount of inanimate objects I’ve given names to- its wild.

All of that being said- I’m very ready for the summer, but, well, maybe not for senior year. Here’re my plans for the summer:

• Write some plays

Writing plays are super fun.  I really enjoy writing plays. If we could have another play-writing class,I would be SUPER happy. Not sure what i’ll write over the summer, but, then again, I never know what I’m writing. I just put down words until I understand whats going on. That’s not the best way to get work done, but it works for me.

• Convince my mom to let me get Glimmers wings put on my back

Glimmer is my favorite She-Ra character. Honestly I just kind of want to go wild over the summer, just have fun. Morgan helped me do some research on what being stabbed by needles feels like, and I’ve got this idea now put in my head that it feels like being a cosplayer. I’ve accidentally stabbed myself with every pin I use for sewing. Will update you guys on this one.

• Have fun on a boat

My Aunt’s family and I are gonna be on a boat for a few days. I won’t have phone service so I don’t know how that’s gonna go. Still, I’m going to make myself have fun. I’ll just like, I don’t know. Draw something. Maybe sing some opera. Its a boat.

• Make costumes

I do this year round, but I feel I’ll have more opportunity to do this over the summer.

• Summer camp

I’ll be at a writers camp over the summer! I’ve been to it once before and it was pretty fun. I have lots of good memories from it, and hopefully I’ll be able to make even more memories this year!

• Watch my mom nerd out over Aaron Burr at Hamilton

My mom got us tickets to Hamilton in Memphis or Alabama, I don’t actually know. Burr is her favorite character/person in Hamilton, so I’m excited to watch her watch Hamilton. I mean, I’m excited to see Hamilton too! I just think my mom’s gonna have fun too.

 

This is- literally the busiest summer I’ve ever had. Wish me luck because I’m gonna come back to school exhausted.- Still though, I cant wait for next year! (minus the senior part)

Hi!!! It’s me, of course. Can you believe there’s literally two weeks left until we’re officially seniors and, seniors, you’re gonna be college freshmen because I legitimately cannot. It’s such a weird thing to think about because I remember telling my grandma and my mom that I wasn’t gonna grow up and that was that but here I am. I’m 17 years old with adulthood standing at the doorway of college holding a baseball bat with nails. Haha, but I’m sure it won’t be too bad, right? It’ll be so weird to spend two whole months not constantly surrounded by a bunch of angsty teenagers and having a bathroom and room completely to myself. I always fuss about dorms but I’m so used to it now that it’s gonna be weird without it.

Anyways, I’m not trying to be sentimental or nostalgic, here. That wasn’t what I was gonna talk about. I’ve noticed that with the school year coming to an end, everyone seems to be a little on edge – whether it be noticeable or unnoticeable. Everyone’s worried about one thing or another here and there. Heck, I’m most definitely worried and stressed but I just wanted to put that aside to pretty much tell you that you – you that’s sitting here reading this mushy crap – are okay. Whatever you’ve been keeping trapped up there in that forever racing mind of yours – it’s okay. And if you feel that it’s not okay and that it probably won’t be okay for a while, that’s okay, too. As my roommate Kerri Bland would say, “It’s okay, baby.” It is okay to be okay and it is okay to not be okay. Society tries to drive in our head that if everyone’s okay, you should be okay or if no one’s okay, you shouldn’t be. But, that’s not the dealio here, buddy. If you ain’t gucci, you just ain’t gucci right now. That is completely fine. But I just wanted to let all of you that you’ve got someone. You’ve got me if you don’t have anyone else. We can be okay together or we can even be un-okay together. Regardless of what kind of okay we are, I’m still gonna have you guys’ back. It’s gonna be a hard transition for some or it may be easier for others, but I just want you all to know that all of it is for a purpose. All the stress that we feel now – all that hard work that you might’ve been pouring into everything these past few months are worth something. Nothing you do right now is gonna lead to nothing. With that being said, you’re gonna be just fine. 🙂 

It’s official, y’all: we’re in the final stretch. We have 2 weeks of school; approximately 10 days in school – a total of 1 3/7 full weeks. And then it’s summer! After that, we’re going to be seniors and there’s nothing we can do to stop it. Well, there are ways, but I wouldn’t endorse it. I’ve made a post before about how I search for colleges, and this post will be somewhat of a follow-up to it. 

My college choices have been adapted to fit the ruling of my parents, but I still hold a small shred of hope to go to college out-of-state. Now what’s the next step after figuring that out? Prep. Colleges often require that you write an essay on various topics, and as I’ve noticed this semester, my essay writing skills have gotten a bit rusty. So to remedy that, I plan to practice writing essays over the summer for my applications. To find some prompts, I looked at a few online, but I plan to use a few from the Texas Common Application site because I plan on applying to a university in Houston. 

Of course, there is still the issue of the ACT. I’m closer to my goal of 30, but I still need to push for a higher math score because math kicks my tail. My mom wants to help me with my score by getting me some more resources to study. I also need to work on my science score. I want to raise it by maybe one or two points. If I really want to push it, I’ll aim for a growth of four or more points. PrepScholar is a good resource to use for studying and finding different test-taking strategies. I’ve used it to adapt my own strategies, and I shared it with my friend, Jennifer, to help her when she first took the ACT. I don’t really know if it helped her out, but she did make a 30, so… maybe they are helpful. For me, their strategies helped me out a lot on the junior ACT. My composite score grew five points, and my reading and English scores spiked. I encourage everyone to check out PrepScholar over the summer or prior to their next swing at the ACT.

I was terrified to go back out there without him. It’s been almost two years since the last time I stepped out on the dock with a rod in hand. I stood there for a moment, peering at the water and waiting for a sign of where to cast my line. There was a small ripple out towards the weeds, so I pulled my pole back and held the button. I couldn’t throw it out.

I let go of the button and let the plastic bait hit the dock before I began reeling in up with a sigh. I wondered if I should even be doing this without him. It just didn’t feel right. Cross-legged, I sat at the edge of the old wooden peer, looking down at the dirty water and my face looking up at me.
(K) would think I was stupid for being scared to fish without him. I could practically hear him laughing over my shoulder and making some snarky comment about how I would never get in the sun much if he weren’t around. He wasn’t wrong. I could already feel my cheeks starting to burn and my stomach turn. Maybe I should stop. This is dumb, I don’t even remember how to do this. It had all kind of buried itself. I never thought I would be out here again. I miss him. I want to do something that will make me feel him. I got up and looked out into the pond while I shook out a breath. I remember (K) holding up a bass the size of his face. I smile, pull the pole back and let go of the button as I cast it out. The line some how wound up caught on the other side of the dock. (K) was probably rolling on the floor at this point.

After three or four more tries, my body finally remembers how to cast a fishing pole. There’s a plop, and I sit there in silence, reeling in some of the slack on the line. I’m too impatient, so eventually I pull it in and cast it out again. I repeat this a few times just for good measure. I didn’t catch anything, but I felt closer to (K) than I had in quite some time. I didn’t want to leave.

It was just fishing. Something I had spent my whole childhood doing to kill time and make memories, but I needed to remember my old friend, and no one knew him better than those fish.

I miss you bud, but I’m going to get through it and keep you with me along the way. I hope you’re resting easy and I hope you’re proud.

Story-time.

Friday, May 3, 2019: It t’was a go-home weekend, but it was also awards day. I only got one award, which kind of ticked me off because I work hella hard everyday. It just seems like my work goes un-noticed. I have been feeling this way for a long time, but this day the feeling inflamed.

Saturday, May 4, 2019: My mother had to go to work, so she gave me a list of things to do while she was gone. Meanwhile, I had to attend my grandmother’s funeral, so I had to make sure I got it all done. I did, no problem. I got ready for the funeral and went. Keep in mind, it is raining cats and dogs. My sister broke down and it hurt my heart. Then, we went to the burial sight, which was not even in my city, but about 20-30 minutes away. Me, along with some of my friends, took that drive. We get there and I am trying to turn around because we are at the end of the processional line. I back up and I get my entire right tire stuck in a ditch. An old man pulls me out and warns me that any damage is not on him. I get my BRAND NEW clothes dirty, but at least my truck was fine.

Sunday, March 5, 2019: I came back here.

Moral of the story: Know where you are driving, so you do not get stuck in a ditch.

 

 

So we’re nearing the end of the year, and I just wanted to check in, even this isn’t my last blog post (while it is getting close to that time). I think my point of me writing this is to let you guys know where I’m at at, and what kind of head space I’m in.

This past year has been the worst and best of my life. And I say that in the most endearing way possible. It started out with me moving here to MSA, and that was the hardest thing I’ve done. For a while, I felt really lonely and didn’t really feel like I belonged at the school. It had gotten to the point I resented the school, and didn’t want to be here. When I mean I was so close to dropping out, I mean I would have if my mom would have let me.

But by a stroke of God, she didn’t and when this semester started, the strangest thing happened; I didn’t want to go home on weekends anymore, and I actually kind of dreaded it. Not because I hated home, but because I had so much joy in spending time with people at MSA. If I could have frozen any point of time, it probably would have been late March to Mid-April.

It feels like so much time has passed, and at the same time, like none has all. I feel so matured, yet also somehow still like that scared, timid girl I came as. I’ve changed and morphed and I know I will keep doing that. And so has my work! Although, I feel like I’ve hit a wall with creating content, I can see the immense growth from the beginning of the year to now.

This weekend we meet the Juniors, and I’m so excited. This is a whole new set of people I’m about to meet, some that might change my life forever, or might just change it for a couple of months. Either way, I can’t wait to see them blossom and flourish like our class of 2020 did.

I would say what I’m feeling most of all, is scared. I’m so terrified for this new beginning, and this end of an era. I’m getting the feeling just like I had those first couple of months at MSA; scared and somehow so alone. But I’m trying to remind myself that on senior move-in day I’ll see so many familiar faces, and then get to know the new ones.

So with this, I say hello to a new era. Ew, that’s so cheesy, but it’s true. I hate goodbyes, and I’m not going to let this be one.

So hello school year of 2019-2020! I’m excited to experience you. Please be kind to me, because 2018-2019 has really put me through the ringer.

Its getting towards the end of the year and my stress levels have skyrocketed. Today I took some state test, I don’t really remember anything from it. I just remember drinking a whole Pepsi this morning and suddenly I was in fifth block wishing I could be at dinner. I’m so hungry. However, its the end of the year and I have very little food. I’m pretty sure I’m down to my final pop-tart. So, in honor of that here’s me ranking my top two pop-tart flavors.

strawberry

Strawberry pop-tarts are cool because sometimes they put designs on them. I remember in kindergarten I used to eat the strawberry pop-tarts that had Barbie Island Princess decorations. Yeah. That was the good stuff. I still eat them on a daily basis- but- just the plain kind. there’s nothing printed on them. Sometimes there’s comics printed on the box, but not on the pop-tart. My one complaint would be the edges. they’re too plain. Don’t have that artificial strawberry filling. I’m not with that. I gotta have my pop-tarts just right.

Chocolate chip

Chocolate chip pop-tarts keep me from going insane. I could eat one of these everyday- which I do- and be content. These have the filling throughout the WHOLE pop-tart, which I highly appreciate. They’re just so good. Like, If you’ve never tried one of these before then you should. And then they’ve got like a syrup drizzle type of thing on top. Love it. Absolutely love chocolate chip pop-tarts. They make it seem like everything is right with the world. The world isn’t right. but for a moment it can be. That moment is when you eat a chocolate chip pop-tart.

Pop-tarts are food that I eat on a daily basis- I have just really hit a point in my life where I heavily depend of pop-tarts. They have silver wrappers on them. Don’t microwave the silver part. In another sense, you can take them out of the wrapper and microwave them. Maybe even toast them. I don’t do that. My name is Kerri BLAND because I like to live simply and eat my pop-tarts straight out of the wrapper. no microwave. No toaster. Just a girl and her pop-tarts. That is all I ask for in life. Sometimes it’s the simple things that keeps me going. Pop-tarts are my simple thing. Please donate them to me if you have any.

 

 

sink in

let out

breathe

mattress is too soft

and the springs are too hard

and this is nothing

nothing at all

because it doesn’t matter

none of it matters and it’s all funny

hilarious

i laugh till I cry

and i cry until i heave

and i heave until i panic

then break down

and cry

and cry

and cry

until i can’t see anymore

and all is dark

and lonely

i am nothing

yet everything

and everything matters now

so i sew my lips shut

and don’t laugh anymore

laughing is unacceptable

though i was only hours before

or minutes

or seconds

small ant bites

and bee stings

across my arms

and legs

and chest

fingernails bleed

and i kiss them gently

on my knuckles there is pink

pink skin

colored by crayons

or markers

i can never quite tell

i dont know if i’m

living

or

existing

or are they the same?

i breathe again

just to let it out

and none of it matters

but i over think it any way

then it’s too important

and my knees and shivering

and my spine is shaking

i am a tree

swaying in a forest fire

and none of it makes sense

i am an incoherent thought

melting faces

and sticky toes

my tongue is too big

and i chew on it like bubble gum

and pretend

that it’s my last meal

ulcers coat my cheeks

i remind myself that pain is an illusion

just your brain letting your body know something is wrong

if you didn’t have a sense of touch you

wouldn’t feel at all

it isn’t real

i’m not there any more

and when i get my heart broken

it will heal

even if it physically stings and burns

promise me marriage

i’m aware it is just for show

it makes me feel loved

important

essential

significant

something

give me something to hold onto

that isn’t worry

and panic

maybe if i jump

my head will crack on the pavement

and people will think that matters

because everything matters

even if it is meaningless

even if this is just repetition

life is only a question

following more questions

don’t become self aware

or wonder what it’s like to have a different brain

it only makes it more unbearable

everyone is miserable

remember that

no one is truly happy

but we are all trying to be okay

we are trying to matter

even if it’s just pretend

even if it is just in illusion

sink in

let out

breathe

If you missed part one of this, you should go read it! But the jist of this is that I write down days and times and thoughts I have then. I’ve gotten really bad at remembering to do it, or maybe I’m not just thinking of much that’s notable enough to write down. Either way here we go, enjoy.

///

March 22

10:55 am

I smashed a bug on the carpet today. It looked so confused, reminded me of how my blind dog  gets when she doesn’t where she is. I tried to get it to go the opposite direction, nudging it with my foot, but it wouldn’t. It flipped on its back occasionally, only to flip back over and scurry towards me. I smashed it. Stepped on it a few times before its exoskeleton caved in on itself. I’m not sure if I did it to put it out of its misery or if I just don’t like bugs.

March 25

8:09 pm

I wonder how much it would hurt to pull muscle from bone.

March 28

11:19 am

There’s an elderly lady in all blue with pineapple socks at this workshop that isn’t writing and looks half-dead.

April 12

1:12 pm

I want to write something pretty about tulips.

April 14

10:30 pm

I want to write but my words aren’t meshing together into one coherent thought or maybe I just don’t have good ideas or good words.

April 15

2:35 pm

People tell me that actions speak louder than words but what do I do? I’m a writer isn’t that the point of my existence?

April 27

7:07 pm

Even if they don’t know, I know.

April 30

9:04 am

I’ve never wanted more time until now, and suddenly it’s all I want.

May 4

6:59 pm

I saw Endgame today and all I could think about was how I got bangs.

May 5

5:59 pm

I think I want to throw myself into another self transformation. Maybe it’s because I’m trying to avoid feeling. Oh well.

May 6

8:03 am

I think when I love, it starts out as Pragma; a love driven by the head, not the heart. Then it morphs into something that isn’t quite mania, but also isn’t eros. I love too hard, but it makes me happy in the moment. Ew, this is cringey.

Click for a surprise 😉

I’m sure everyone knows how big of a music fanatic I am. There’s rarely a time I don’t have my earbuds in listening to something. Lately, I’ve begun to have a thing for making themed playlists. What I’ll do is, I’ll choose a topic or a creative title. Then, I take hours – sometimes even days – to search through my favorite or related artists that I feel like make music to fit the genre or theme. Once that’s done, I go ahead and find a cool cover to add and boom – done. To be completely honest with you, I’m saying all this just to say I really wanna make a playlist for you guys. I really enjoy making playlists for people and seeing/hearing their reactions. It doesn’t give me a sense of validation, but genuine happiness when I see someone listening to the playlists I’ve made for them. That’s one of my biggest signs of ‘I love you’ – making a playlist. With that being said, I’m gonna suggest some songs or make a playlist if you will. Doing this makes me feel like I’m making a mix tape, which is what they do in indie or chill movies and I mean who doesn’t love indie/chill movies??? Sooooo, I’m gonna make a playlist with indie and/or chill vibes. I hope you guys enjoy! 🙂 

• American Spirits – Inner Wave
• We’re Not Just Friends – Parks, Squares and Alleys
• Driving to Hawaii – Summer Salt
• Shalala – Moses Gunn Collective
• Halcyon Age – Vansire
• The Things You Do (To Me) – Mark Whalen
• Please Be Mine – Molly Burch
• (She’s) Just a Phase – Puma Blue
• Mysight – Mild Orange
• Set Piece – Vansire
• Spring Time Blues – Marsandaras (M*A*R*S)
• Life – The Walters
• Without You – Strawberry Guy
• Electric Feel – MGMT
• Venus Flytrap – Feng Suave
• Lauren – Men I Trust
• Keep Kool – Winona Forever
• Streems – The Symposium
• Hey Girl – Paul Cherry
• Lady Friend – PONCHO
• Baby Please – Black Pool
• Big Sis – SALES
• Superstition Future – TOPS
• Talk a Lot – SALES
• Sugarcoat – Kid Bloom
• My Jinji – Sunset Rollercoaster
• So Good At Being in Trouble – Unknown Mortal Orchestra
• I Don’t Know You – The Marías
• I Love You So – The Walters
• Cuz You’re My Girl – Yung Heazy
• Lucky Love – Michael Seyer
• Honeydew – Katzú Oso
• Heart and My Car – Summer Salt
• Burgundy Red – Sunset Rollercoaster
• Over the Moon – The Marías
• Maybe – RICEWINE

Welp, this is my playlist for you all! All of these songs come from one of my playlists on Spotify named 내 마음을 사로 잡다  (Captivate My Heart). If you wanna hear more or follow it, don’t worry. I got you. Click the picture up on the top. Hope you guys enjoy! Byyye <3