Category: Junior Literary

I was terrified to go back out there without him. It’s been almost two years since the last time I stepped out on the dock with a rod in hand. I stood there for a moment, peering at the water and waiting for a sign of where to cast my line. There was a small ripple out towards the weeds, so I pulled my pole back and held the button. I couldn’t throw it out.

I let go of the button and let the plastic bait hit the dock before I began reeling in up with a sigh. I wondered if I should even be doing this without him. It just didn’t feel right. Cross-legged, I sat at the edge of the old wooden peer, looking down at the dirty water and my face looking up at me.
(K) would think I was stupid for being scared to fish without him. I could practically hear him laughing over my shoulder and making some snarky comment about how I would never get in the sun much if he weren’t around. He wasn’t wrong. I could already feel my cheeks starting to burn and my stomach turn. Maybe I should stop. This is dumb, I don’t even remember how to do this. It had all kind of buried itself. I never thought I would be out here again. I miss him. I want to do something that will make me feel him. I got up and looked out into the pond while I shook out a breath. I remember (K) holding up a bass the size of his face. I smile, pull the pole back and let go of the button as I cast it out. The line some how wound up caught on the other side of the dock. (K) was probably rolling on the floor at this point.

After three or four more tries, my body finally remembers how to cast a fishing pole. There’s a plop, and I sit there in silence, reeling in some of the slack on the line. I’m too impatient, so eventually I pull it in and cast it out again. I repeat this a few times just for good measure. I didn’t catch anything, but I felt closer to (K) than I had in quite some time. I didn’t want to leave.

It was just fishing. Something I had spent my whole childhood doing to kill time and make memories, but I needed to remember my old friend, and no one knew him better than those fish.

I miss you bud, but I’m going to get through it and keep you with me along the way. I hope you’re resting easy and I hope you’re proud.

Story-time.

Friday, May 3, 2019: It t’was a go-home weekend, but it was also awards day. I only got one award, which kind of ticked me off because I work hella hard everyday. It just seems like my work goes un-noticed. I have been feeling this way for a long time, but this day the feeling inflamed.

Saturday, May 4, 2019: My mother had to go to work, so she gave me a list of things to do while she was gone. Meanwhile, I had to attend my grandmother’s funeral, so I had to make sure I got it all done. I did, no problem. I got ready for the funeral and went. Keep in mind, it is raining cats and dogs. My sister broke down and it hurt my heart. Then, we went to the burial sight, which was not even in my city, but about 20-30 minutes away. Me, along with some of my friends, took that drive. We get there and I am trying to turn around because we are at the end of the processional line. I back up and I get my entire right tire stuck in a ditch. An old man pulls me out and warns me that any damage is not on him. I get my BRAND NEW clothes dirty, but at least my truck was fine.

Sunday, March 5, 2019: I came back here.

Moral of the story: Know where you are driving, so you do not get stuck in a ditch.

 

 

So we’re nearing the end of the year, and I just wanted to check in, even this isn’t my last blog post (while it is getting close to that time). I think my point of me writing this is to let you guys know where I’m at at, and what kind of head space I’m in.

This past year has been the worst and best of my life. And I say that in the most endearing way possible. It started out with me moving here to MSA, and that was the hardest thing I’ve done. For a while, I felt really lonely and didn’t really feel like I belonged at the school. It had gotten to the point I resented the school, and didn’t want to be here. When I mean I was so close to dropping out, I mean I would have if my mom would have let me.

But by a stroke of God, she didn’t and when this semester started, the strangest thing happened; I didn’t want to go home on weekends anymore, and I actually kind of dreaded it. Not because I hated home, but because I had so much joy in spending time with people at MSA. If I could have frozen any point of time, it probably would have been late March to Mid-April.

It feels like so much time has passed, and at the same time, like none has all. I feel so matured, yet also somehow still like that scared, timid girl I came as. I’ve changed and morphed and I know I will keep doing that. And so has my work! Although, I feel like I’ve hit a wall with creating content, I can see the immense growth from the beginning of the year to now.

This weekend we meet the Juniors, and I’m so excited. This is a whole new set of people I’m about to meet, some that might change my life forever, or might just change it for a couple of months. Either way, I can’t wait to see them blossom and flourish like our class of 2020 did.

I would say what I’m feeling most of all, is scared. I’m so terrified for this new beginning, and this end of an era. I’m getting the feeling just like I had those first couple of months at MSA; scared and somehow so alone. But I’m trying to remind myself that on senior move-in day I’ll see so many familiar faces, and then get to know the new ones.

So with this, I say hello to a new era. Ew, that’s so cheesy, but it’s true. I hate goodbyes, and I’m not going to let this be one.

So hello school year of 2019-2020! I’m excited to experience you. Please be kind to me, because 2018-2019 has really put me through the ringer.

Its getting towards the end of the year and my stress levels have skyrocketed. Today I took some state test, I don’t really remember anything from it. I just remember drinking a whole Pepsi this morning and suddenly I was in fifth block wishing I could be at dinner. I’m so hungry. However, its the end of the year and I have very little food. I’m pretty sure I’m down to my final pop-tart. So, in honor of that here’s me ranking my top two pop-tart flavors.

strawberry

Strawberry pop-tarts are cool because sometimes they put designs on them. I remember in kindergarten I used to eat the strawberry pop-tarts that had Barbie Island Princess decorations. Yeah. That was the good stuff. I still eat them on a daily basis- but- just the plain kind. there’s nothing printed on them. Sometimes there’s comics printed on the box, but not on the pop-tart. My one complaint would be the edges. they’re too plain. Don’t have that artificial strawberry filling. I’m not with that. I gotta have my pop-tarts just right.

Chocolate chip

Chocolate chip pop-tarts keep me from going insane. I could eat one of these everyday- which I do- and be content. These have the filling throughout the WHOLE pop-tart, which I highly appreciate. They’re just so good. Like, If you’ve never tried one of these before then you should. And then they’ve got like a syrup drizzle type of thing on top. Love it. Absolutely love chocolate chip pop-tarts. They make it seem like everything is right with the world. The world isn’t right. but for a moment it can be. That moment is when you eat a chocolate chip pop-tart.

Pop-tarts are food that I eat on a daily basis- I have just really hit a point in my life where I heavily depend of pop-tarts. They have silver wrappers on them. Don’t microwave the silver part. In another sense, you can take them out of the wrapper and microwave them. Maybe even toast them. I don’t do that. My name is Kerri BLAND because I like to live simply and eat my pop-tarts straight out of the wrapper. no microwave. No toaster. Just a girl and her pop-tarts. That is all I ask for in life. Sometimes it’s the simple things that keeps me going. Pop-tarts are my simple thing. Please donate them to me if you have any.

 

 

sink in

let out

breathe

mattress is too soft

and the springs are too hard

and this is nothing

nothing at all

because it doesn’t matter

none of it matters and it’s all funny

hilarious

i laugh till I cry

and i cry until i heave

and i heave until i panic

then break down

and cry

and cry

and cry

until i can’t see anymore

and all is dark

and lonely

i am nothing

yet everything

and everything matters now

so i sew my lips shut

and don’t laugh anymore

laughing is unacceptable

though i was only hours before

or minutes

or seconds

small ant bites

and bee stings

across my arms

and legs

and chest

fingernails bleed

and i kiss them gently

on my knuckles there is pink

pink skin

colored by crayons

or markers

i can never quite tell

i dont know if i’m

living

or

existing

or are they the same?

i breathe again

just to let it out

and none of it matters

but i over think it any way

then it’s too important

and my knees and shivering

and my spine is shaking

i am a tree

swaying in a forest fire

and none of it makes sense

i am an incoherent thought

melting faces

and sticky toes

my tongue is too big

and i chew on it like bubble gum

and pretend

that it’s my last meal

ulcers coat my cheeks

i remind myself that pain is an illusion

just your brain letting your body know something is wrong

if you didn’t have a sense of touch you

wouldn’t feel at all

it isn’t real

i’m not there any more

and when i get my heart broken

it will heal

even if it physically stings and burns

promise me marriage

i’m aware it is just for show

it makes me feel loved

important

essential

significant

something

give me something to hold onto

that isn’t worry

and panic

maybe if i jump

my head will crack on the pavement

and people will think that matters

because everything matters

even if it is meaningless

even if this is just repetition

life is only a question

following more questions

don’t become self aware

or wonder what it’s like to have a different brain

it only makes it more unbearable

everyone is miserable

remember that

no one is truly happy

but we are all trying to be okay

we are trying to matter

even if it’s just pretend

even if it is just in illusion

sink in

let out

breathe

If you missed part one of this, you should go read it! But the jist of this is that I write down days and times and thoughts I have then. I’ve gotten really bad at remembering to do it, or maybe I’m not just thinking of much that’s notable enough to write down. Either way here we go, enjoy.

///

March 22

10:55 am

I smashed a bug on the carpet today. It looked so confused, reminded me of how my blind dog  gets when she doesn’t where she is. I tried to get it to go the opposite direction, nudging it with my foot, but it wouldn’t. It flipped on its back occasionally, only to flip back over and scurry towards me. I smashed it. Stepped on it a few times before its exoskeleton caved in on itself. I’m not sure if I did it to put it out of its misery or if I just don’t like bugs.

March 25

8:09 pm

I wonder how much it would hurt to pull muscle from bone.

March 28

11:19 am

There’s an elderly lady in all blue with pineapple socks at this workshop that isn’t writing and looks half-dead.

April 12

1:12 pm

I want to write something pretty about tulips.

April 14

10:30 pm

I want to write but my words aren’t meshing together into one coherent thought or maybe I just don’t have good ideas or good words.

April 15

2:35 pm

People tell me that actions speak louder than words but what do I do? I’m a writer isn’t that the point of my existence?

April 27

7:07 pm

Even if they don’t know, I know.

April 30

9:04 am

I’ve never wanted more time until now, and suddenly it’s all I want.

May 4

6:59 pm

I saw Endgame today and all I could think about was how I got bangs.

May 5

5:59 pm

I think I want to throw myself into another self transformation. Maybe it’s because I’m trying to avoid feeling. Oh well.

May 6

8:03 am

I think when I love, it starts out as Pragma; a love driven by the head, not the heart. Then it morphs into something that isn’t quite mania, but also isn’t eros. I love too hard, but it makes me happy in the moment. Ew, this is cringey.

Click for a surprise 😉

I’m sure everyone knows how big of a music fanatic I am. There’s rarely a time I don’t have my earbuds in listening to something. Lately, I’ve begun to have a thing for making themed playlists. What I’ll do is, I’ll choose a topic or a creative title. Then, I take hours – sometimes even days – to search through my favorite or related artists that I feel like make music to fit the genre or theme. Once that’s done, I go ahead and find a cool cover to add and boom – done. To be completely honest with you, I’m saying all this just to say I really wanna make a playlist for you guys. I really enjoy making playlists for people and seeing/hearing their reactions. It doesn’t give me a sense of validation, but genuine happiness when I see someone listening to the playlists I’ve made for them. That’s one of my biggest signs of ‘I love you’ – making a playlist. With that being said, I’m gonna suggest some songs or make a playlist if you will. Doing this makes me feel like I’m making a mix tape, which is what they do in indie or chill movies and I mean who doesn’t love indie/chill movies??? Sooooo, I’m gonna make a playlist with indie and/or chill vibes. I hope you guys enjoy! 🙂 

• American Spirits – Inner Wave
• We’re Not Just Friends – Parks, Squares and Alleys
• Driving to Hawaii – Summer Salt
• Shalala – Moses Gunn Collective
• Halcyon Age – Vansire
• The Things You Do (To Me) – Mark Whalen
• Please Be Mine – Molly Burch
• (She’s) Just a Phase – Puma Blue
• Mysight – Mild Orange
• Set Piece – Vansire
• Spring Time Blues – Marsandaras (M*A*R*S)
• Life – The Walters
• Without You – Strawberry Guy
• Electric Feel – MGMT
• Venus Flytrap – Feng Suave
• Lauren – Men I Trust
• Keep Kool – Winona Forever
• Streems – The Symposium
• Hey Girl – Paul Cherry
• Lady Friend – PONCHO
• Baby Please – Black Pool
• Big Sis – SALES
• Superstition Future – TOPS
• Talk a Lot – SALES
• Sugarcoat – Kid Bloom
• My Jinji – Sunset Rollercoaster
• So Good At Being in Trouble – Unknown Mortal Orchestra
• I Don’t Know You – The Marías
• I Love You So – The Walters
• Cuz You’re My Girl – Yung Heazy
• Lucky Love – Michael Seyer
• Honeydew – Katzú Oso
• Heart and My Car – Summer Salt
• Burgundy Red – Sunset Rollercoaster
• Over the Moon – The Marías
• Maybe – RICEWINE

Welp, this is my playlist for you all! All of these songs come from one of my playlists on Spotify named 내 마음을 사로 잡다  (Captivate My Heart). If you wanna hear more or follow it, don’t worry. I got you. Click the picture up on the top. Hope you guys enjoy! Byyye <3 

Liquidation

The Dirt Cheap

has flooded

marked down prices

now

watered down

Liquidation

Liquidation is about the flood that came last Thursday. I overheard that the dirt cheap was hit by heavy rain, and I wanted to write this in honor of that store. Dirt cheap is all we live on. Piggly wiggly closed down, I cant imagine what life would be like without our Dirt Cheap. This poem came to me roughly around 3AM this morning. I’ve been thinking about it ever since.

 

Desparagus

I have no asparagus

e. coli season

leads me to

the asparagus of despair

desparagus

Desparagus is about… I’m not really sure. There was no inspiration for this piece. I’m not even sure why I wrote it. but, It exists and deserves to be known for what she is. desparagus. Gotta say, this one has the best title.

 

Beauty Marks

some pizzas are sad

but still good

my face

is the same way

pepperoni pizza face

This is about my face. I have beauty marks, but i often refer to them as pepperonis. I love pizza. I love life. Put those two things together and you get this cursed poem. Its meant to promote positivity, but I’m not sure if it would help anyone but myself. maybe it will. Let me know in the comments.

 

sonic

Please

allow me to obtain

two

junior cheese burgers

one

order of cheese fries

a small

strawberry slushy

This is my literal order at sonic. I love sonic. I could eat it every day and be content with life.

As you can see, poetry is very valid. It is spiritual. it is meaningful. poetry is representative of all this cool and important to life. My poetry, as you can tell, is super deep. not really, but, we can pretend like it is.

I’m about a hundred words away from meeting my word count, so I think I’ll come up with another poem really quick.

Words

count

in my assignments, I make my words count

until I meet

the word count

count

the words

400

to count.

This one is about the word count I have for this blog. In this poem, it shows my desperation to hit 400 words, as I am very close and just need a little bit more content to get there. At this point, I am really only a few words away from meeting my goal.

 

boom.

met it.

 

 

 

Take your pillow back.

The one you slept on when you stayed the night.

Give him his pajama pants back.

The ones you wore at school when you got home sick.

He was your home at one time, wasn’t he?

 

Don’t let him kiss you or put his fingers on the back of your neck.

Like he would do when he was sorry but had too much pride to say it aloud.

Hold his dog instead of him when your laying in his bed.

Like you would do when his attention was solely on the television screen.

It was never really on you, was it?

 

Scratch out the letters of your name that are written on the wall in sharpie.

The hearts and doodles all over the house were drawn out of love.

Write him a letter that reminisces on the memories spent and time wasted.

The scars and bruises living in your skin were left out of hate.

Did you love or hate him?

 

Offer to wash his bed clothes because you know it smells like togetherness.

Wonder if he will function without you apart of him.

Mop his floors because you have spilt buckets of salt through the years.

Wonder if he will be okay.

Why do you care so much?

 

Turn the music up so loud that it drowns out his madness and yours.

That is the only thing you had in common.

Turn on the lights so steals away the darkness.

That is where you have lived for so long.

Are you ready to go?

 

Don’t be afraid to cry, but don’t let it make you weak.

Think of swimming for once, instead of drowning.

Don’t be rash or daring, but don’t cower at the words.

Stand with your spine for once, instead of your heart.

Aren’t you tired?

 

Press your lips to his cheek and wrap around him one more time.

Finally, detach yourself from that love.

Walk to the screen door and push it open with out looking back.

“I Love You, But Good-Bye.”

Leave.

 

Something I wrote out of pure toxicity. It’s important to know that love does not conquer all. There are so many things that play into the beauty of a healthy relationship, and if love is your only reason, then hopefully you know that sometimes that just isn’t enough.

 

 

 

now what? what’s next?

In this lifetime, you will learn that sometimes letting a person go is the best option. When the pain is numbly unbearable and disheartening, distance is the only curable medication. Although your heart will cry and your eyes will bleed, every thing is going to be okay.

Love is a bittersweet substance that sinks into the depths of your emotional mind and swallows you whole. Everything will align itself, when the time is right.

Do not rush it, do not seek it, do not long for it. For when you do, what you seek will not always be what you find. Then there you are again, left to drowning in your self made puddles. Internally screaming for the distraught feeling to cease.

Now what? What is next?

It is not always easy to pick yourself back up and move on.

So I say again… now what? what is next?