until next time my friends

Well, it’s finally here. I have been waiting for the schoolwork to end for MSA. And now, it finally has finished. Of course, I’m sad that I didn’t get to say goodbye to the seniors, but this next school year is going to be amazing (I’m positive). If you’re an incoming junior, please feel free to look at my old blogs. One of them has a list of what I would suggest bringing. Anyways, I want to reflect on some good memories that I had this year. So without further ado, here we go.


The Art Room: At the start of the year the art room was the hotspot that everyone hung out in(until we couldn’t because a lot of us weren’t visuals). But I’m telling you, the art room was chaotic. People did nails in there, played strange music, etc. 

Elizabeth: Elizabeth held a couple memories for me(Elizabeth is the white building at MSA). One time Azya and I danced outside there playing spooky songs like the Monster Mash. There was a party going on in the Phoenix, but I felt a bit uncomfortable, so we had a lot of fun doing that outside. Also, we played games at Elizabeth with many friends which was a good time.

The Literary Room: Ah, I’m telling you the literary room is the most chill classroom. We got a coffeemaker, jazz music, classical too. I wrote most of my good pieces in there. But one thing that I also did was slightly procrastinate. How? I’d be over there talking to Callie for hours about anything and everything. It was a good time for sure. I think I got inspired in my writing most of the time when Callie and I talked(Hey future roommate).

The Outdoors: Those who actually slow down enough to see the beauty of MSA’s beautiful landscaping would tell you that it has some major calming properties. Some of my favorite things I did was make ‘flower bouquets’ and hand them out to my friends. You see, I would get a leaf wrap it up and put flowers in it and shove a stick up the leaf. It took a little bit to do, but it was so nice. Also, I loved looking up at this one particular oak tree. Specifically in the evening when the lamps would turn on.

All in all, I made so many good memories at MSA, and I hope that I can make many more with you all. I wish the best for this next class coming in. May you find the peace and joy that I found and will continue to enjoy this next coming school year. Have a good break, learn a language, practice your craft, garden a little, but most importantly take care of yourself.

-Maple <3

Giving the gorls “Bye Bye Bye”- A farewell message

Imagine you walk into a dark room and all of a sudden “Bye Bye Bye” by *NSYNC starts playing and a banner lights up with the words “FAREWELL” in pink, sparkly letters and falls terribly from the ceiling.

Are you imagining it? 

Well good. Because this is that room. Tehe.

The time has come where we have to say farewell. Goodbye. See you later, if you will.

The time has come where we must depart.

We must depart from each other with the promise to see each other again. We must leave our junior year antics behind and explore the antics of a senior. We must move forward and improve the mistakes we made in the past. We must take time apart. We must see each other for what they are now. We must see what needs fixing or what needs to remain the same. We must depart from each other…with the promise to see each other again.

I would make my final post about the turnout of the end of the year or the obvious virus that is spreading around the world or even a recap of my junior year. These are ideal pieces for me to divulge in but it isn’t what I want to do. I want to formally give my last post to the blog. I want to give it a formal farewell post. A parting of words. A goodbye.

When I was first introduced to the blog, I was scared. I didn’t know what to write about. I definitely didn’t think anyone would care to read my posts. I didn’t know how to form a relationship with the blog.

I can remember sitting in my dorm and going over every possible topic that I could write about. I actually came up with some pretty good ideas, but I’ll save those for a rainy day.

I remember being so afraid of writing the wrong thing. I always write what I think and how I think it. Thinking about it now, I realize that I was so afraid because I was insecure. I’ve had people tell me about my mind and how confusing and awkward it is. I think differently, so I write differently, especially in terms of the blog. With the blog, I think of who I am talking to when I write my post. In my head, I see a room full of faceless people who sit around me in a circle and listen to me read my blog aloud. I can hear the laughter of the tiny audience and see the jumping of their shoulders. I see it all in my head. It’s how I operate. I use my imagination for everything. It is my motivation.

Even with my imagination and my faceless audience, I was still afraid of the blog. I was still insecure. Prior to MSA, I didn’t read blogs. I watched them. Vlogs were my life. This was the only experience that I could equate to blogs. So, I decided early on to treat my blog like a vlog. I decided to talk about any and everything that came to my mind despite how far off it might be from the last thing I wrote about. I did try at one point to try to be consistent with my posts and formulate them to have the same topic, but it never worked for me. No matter how many times I tried…it never worked. Up until now, I have just been going with whatever my mind thinks to say to the audience in my head. Whatever I felt like writing about, I did.

But…I can’t let it continue on like this.

As an aspiring writer, I want to be consistent within the walls of creativity. I want to be on one path with my blog. One accord. I want to be consistent.

I think I have always secretly wanted to be consistent with my posts, but I couldn’t let up on my “stream-of-conscious” track. I had to just write what I was thinking about. It is therapeutic for me. It is normal for me. Routine.

I have to let it go.

I want to be in a new routine. I want to try something new for myself and I think I can do it. I know I can. But, in order for me to do this, I need time to think. I need time to plan, plot, and create. I need time to myself to figure out what I am going to do and how.

So, I am saying goodbye. No, not because this is the last blog of the year. (well…yeah…it kind of is but you know…think deeper!)

I am saying farewell to what we are now and preparing for what we can be later.

Goodbye for now, my friend! Thank you for allowing myself room to progress and become a better person…a better writer.

Until August…

 

*As I was about to submit this, I realized this is the last time I’ll upload my posts under ‘Junior Literary’…the tears are falling!*

 

Goodbye To Junior Year Me

This is such a bittersweet moment, the last blog of junior year. I cannot believe that it is already here. Look how times flies by when you are enjoying yourself! I do not know where to start; I titled this blog “Goodbye to Junior Year Me” because every year of high school I developed into a better version of me. Each year I learned something new about myself, and I can say that my junior year has been the most informative. So, this blog post is dedicated to the young woman I became this year, and goodbye to the obstacles I overcame.

I do not know about you guys, but I feel like every year of high school I look different. So I want to take this moment to observe the changes I made physically from the beginning of the school year to the end.

Beginning of the year              

End of the year                           

Okay so the change is not major but my face is skinnier. My hair may look like it hasn’t changed, but trust me my hair went through IT this year. I almost lost my edges, my hair started to break off, and my dye completely grew out. I know what you may be thinking, “Steph, I thought this was the year for growth sis!” I thought so too sis, but girl school hit the stage and my patience, along with my hair, left. I mean there even was a period when I wanted to go bald, I was stressed out. My split ends got so bad, I had to give myself a cute little trim. That is what I’m rocking right now. Remember queens, HEALTH OVER LENGTH!

Next, I want to evaluate is my music taste. Now my music taste has evolved this junior year. I believe I have every genre of music on my playlist (even country, do not clown me lol). This school year has been the year of great music! I was introduced to artists like Megan THEE Stallion, Lucky Daye, and Ibrahim Ferrer to name a few. On top of that my favorite artist release new albums that I love like Brent Fayiaz, Steve Lacy, WILLOW, Kali Uchis, and many more. I do believe 2020 is the year of music. Here is a playlist that I have been making since the year started if you are interested in. All of the songs were not made in 2020, however, this is the songs I have discovered.

Now, I want to evaluate the people I surround myself with. Some people I came into this school year with I don’t even speak to anymore. That is not a bad thing though. I am a strong believer that people come into your life to teach you a lesson. Every person who I had an encounter with taught me a lesson about myself, and I am forever grateful for that so thank you. Also, for the ones who are still in my life, I hope that we continue to grow our connection and may it last forever. But if it doesn’t that is okay, too. I still will love you. We have to normalize ending friendships on good terms. Not everyone is meant to last forever, and just because we aren’t close anymore doesn’t mean we have beef. It’s forever all love here.

Finally, the last thing I want to evaluate is my mindset. I have learned some valuable lessons this year, and with every lesson, I became smarter and stronger. I had to overcome obstacles this school year but I learned not to complain or even stress over them. Because I know that the man above has me, and all I can do is put my trust in him. So, I have let go trying to control everything in my life. Everything will play out as it should. I honestly can say I am proud of myself for my growth. I cannot wait to see the person I become my senior year of high school. So with that been said, goodbye junior year Stephyne, hello senior year Stephyne!

 

I HOPE YOU HAVE A GREAT HOT GIRL SUMMER BUT REMEMBER BEYONCE SAYS WE WILL OVERCOME COVID-19 SO WE WILL!!

 

but you better stay at home, we see you.

Also for those who are protesting, what is your point really?

P.S. I got the job! I start tomorrow! AHH! Than you, Callie, for wishing me luck. Love you!

Saying Goodbye

I don’t have the words to express exactly how I feel. MSA was just starting to feel like home when we had to leave. It’s completely unfair. I’m left with so many regrets of what I should have done, who I should have spoken to, and who I should have held onto a little longer. I can’t stop thinking about what I would have done differently if I knew that my last days at MSA as a junior were coming sooner than I expected.

I can’t imagine how the class of 2020 feelings. They’ve worked so hard to get to where they are and don’t deserve what’s happening to them.

This past month has caused me to realize quite a few things. I was surprised to miss certain things that I’ve been taking for granted. I’m determined to do things a bit differently once quarantine ends.

One of the hardest things is coming to terms with the fact that I only have so much time left to be a kid. It didn’t seem to matter before, but now that my friends are leaving for college, I realize now that that’s going to be me next year. I’m going to be an adult, which I’m not ready for. I feel like I’m running out of time.

I don’t want to be a senior. Not yet. But my junior year is coming to a closer much faster than I ever thought it would. And now we’re going into a summer where people are going to be scared to go out and have fun with their friends because of the coronavirus.

But the fact of the matter is that we’re not getting a choice. We’re going to have to say goodbye to our seniors and then become ones ourselves, regardless if we’re ready or not.

I miss MSA a lot. And now that I can’t be there, I want to be there more than ever. It’s a sad time, but it’s taught me not to take it for granted anymore.

I have one goal for next year, and it’s to enjoy every moment of it. I do know how cheesy that sounds, but it’s the best way to put it simply. I want to talk to more people, I want to go to more events, and I want to experience everything at its fullest.

So, even though it’s come quicker than I thought it would, I will say goodbye to my junior year. And it’ll be okay. I know I can make next year even better.

Class of 2020

Dear Class of 2020,

Thank you for welcoming us into MSA with open arms and bright smiles. Thank you for helping us adjust to this huge change and for giving us trade secrets. Thank you for all of your stories and experiences and opinions. Thank you for never letting the Phoenix be quiet for more than a second and for always making us laugh harder than necessary. Thank you for the late nights spent talking or dancing or trying not to cry and for the stupid conversations held on ruby red booths. And thank you for always being honest with us, even when it hurt to hear it.

Honestly, it’s crazy to think that you won’t be here next year and that we’ll stand where you stood for all of nine months. And the fact that quite a lot of you are going out of state for college makes it even harder to say goodbye. There is no way that we are gonna be exactly like you, that’s impossible. But we are gonna be the best seniors we can be, and we will think of you while we do so. You guys have genuinely influenced us in ways we couldn’t have possibly dreamed of. Again, thank you.

We’re extremely proud of you guys. You’ve been accepted to amazing schools, given amazing opportunities, made best friends. Your hard work and late nights have paid off. You’re all gonna go far and do amazing, beautiful things and I can’t wait to see what they are.

To My Senior/Mentor,

You have easily become one of my favorite people on this Earth. You’re hilarious, beautiful, an amazing friend, and a phenomenal writer. Thank you for always having my back, for being brutally honest, for letting me sleep in your room. Thank you for the laughter and the tears and the train rides home. Thank you for the movie nights and the bathroom talks and avocados, even if I never ate them. Thank you for truly being one of the best friends I’ve ever had, despite the fact that you forced me to do your hair and makeup.

I love and am so inexplicably proud of you. You’ve accomplished so much thus far and it’s going to be absolutely crazy seeing what you accomplish when college takes hold of you. You have a tendency to be harsh on yourself, so please treat yourself kindly. Take care of yourself and know that you are loved, no matter where you are or what you do. You aren’t perfect and you make mistakes, just as we all do. It’s okay. You can’t change the past, but you can change how it affects the future.

Well, this is the end. This is the end of an era for you and for all our friends. Y’all are so talented and powerful and I love y’all. Please stay safe.

 

Sincerely yours,
Azya <3

Who Am I?

[I interrupt my prescheduled blog series to talk about my feelings once again.]

Guys,

I know I promised a post about chapbook, but when life hands you lemons… sometimes you fall apart.

I am a person who thrives on order and control. However, my life has been anything but the last few weeks. I haven’t been completing any of the tasks I’ve written in my planner, and I’ve seriously considered not planning anymore. The world has been turned upside down, so it’s hard to plan ahead in a time where nothing is certain.

Today, I moved out of my dorm, and it was bittersweet, but it was also eye opening. I HAD SO MUCH STUFF, like if you know, you know. It’s honestly crazy to me how much stuff I had. I am definitely going to be doing some SERIOUS purging. I have also learned that just because you like something does not mean you need 50 of them ??‍♀️. This time is a time of reflection and learning for me.

I also think it’s God forcing me to let go and let him guide me, instead of me trying to do it all on my own. Growing up, my parents were always working and my siblings were all way older than me, so I was alone a lot, and I did, in some ways, have to take care of myself. It made me independent, and I think that’s my problem— I’m too independent, for my age at least. Sometimes I forget that I’m only 16, and that I don’t have to have it together 24/7. Sometimes I can just be a kid! My mom reminds me of that one all the time ?. But it’s not my will, it’s God’s. I can’t control everything, and I shouldn’t feel like I have to.

The past 2 weeks have been especially trying for me. I forgot what it was and turned my blog in way late, and the two after that, I typed on the day they were supposed to post. Then, I missed my first assignment deadline. It’s been a sort of downward spiral for me, and I feel like a failure. I know that a couple late assignments aren’t such a big deal to some, but to me, it’s a huge deal. I’m not necessarily competitive, but I am very insecure about a lot of aspects in my life, so I overcompensate by trying to be “the best” and being on top of things all the time. However, I am learning about a thing called forgiveness. Forgiveness isn’t just for other people; it’s for myself too! And I forgive myself!! I’m not perfect, and it gets exhausting trying to be all the time. One of my goals for 2020, was to “Let go and let God”, so that’s what I’m trying to do. It’s not easy, but I am slowing giving up that control and those burdens I put on myself, so that I can be made new.

I know that this blog is titled, “Who Am I?”, but the truth is” I don’t know anymore, and maybe I never really did. However, I am learning and growing, so I may not know who I am right now, but I hope by the end of all this, I will.


Thanks for reading!

From the Queen

With the end of the school year fast approaching, I wanted to share my final story as a Junior at MSA. Yes, it is sad thing, but also it is a good thing. Life continues to move along in the midst of all this chaos. Honestly, I am quite proud of the piece. I think it is one of the most thought-out works that I have made. It is exactly how I want it to be. Enjoy! (it is a bit long, so sit back…relax…and stretch your neck!)

 

From the Queen 

The sound of eager footsteps approached my door. Heavy breathing with a hint of wheezing travels through the mouth of whatever poor fellow had to run to my room. A ghost of a smile falls on my face before I throw on my emotionless facade when I open the door. Behind the door stands a boy holding a black, quill pen and light brown paper with the look of fear etched across his face.

The boy hesitated to talk. “Queen Alana, there has been a request for your signature by the king. I was told to bring you the document.”

“What is this document about?”

The boy gulped. “There has been a robbery in the market. They have the thief down in the sitting room waiting to be executed.”

I think over his words. A robbery in the market? It seems as if the current ruling of execution for thieves has not yet registered in the minds of the commoners. A wave of anger washes over me as I realize that the people of this kingdom refuse to obey our rules set as royals. I pick up the sides of my dress to keep from falling over the train. I push past him but stop a little ways later.

“Excuse me, boy. You say he is in the sitting room?”

The boy gulped harder. “Yes, your majesty. In the sitting room of the south living quarters.”

I make a swift turn, carefully maintaining my balance as I do. On my walk, I pass through the hall of looming portraits of all the past members of my family. I stop to let my eyes wander over my mother. Her portrait was the last one added to the collection after she died last year. When I married Charles, he gifted this portrait to me after her funeral. She was my family and now that I am a royal, she is a part of this family as well. I often stand and watch the picture. I look for anything that could give me answers on how to live this life the way it should be lived. She would have known. After my moment with her, I start my journey to the thief.

As I walk through the large, wooden doors, I see a man in the middle of the floor. His head hung low and his skin was covered in purple bruises. The other people in the room bowed down to me, greeting me in the same exact way. I nod my head with the intent of acknowledging them and immediately move my eyes to my husband. His eyes were already set on me, indicating he was watching me. I make my way to his side and lay a kiss on his cheek.

“My king.”

He smiles at me before laying a kiss on my lips. “My queen.”

With my lips tingling and my cheeks burning I turn to look at the man. His head is still down and his body looks even more slumped over.

“Did they beat him?”

My husband is many things. He is a nice, kind man, but he is also a king. He can switch off his kindness and replace it with a ruthless man in a heartbeat.

“Until he cried for them to stop.”

Sadly, I had to be the same way as queen.

“Good.”

“Did you sign the document, my love? I need to let the royal court know to prepare for his execution.”

I shook my head. “I wanted to see him first. I wanted to see the thief.”

The man on the floor shot his head up at my words. “I am not a thief!”

The guard standing behind him jabbed him in his side with his sword. “Shut up.”

The man simply kept talking. “I am not a thief. Don’t call me a thief.”

I scoff at his words. I look around the room to see everyone staring at me, awaiting my next words. Charles notices this and begins to talk, but I stop him.

“Then what are you? Are you a good man? Did you mistakenly steal from the market? Was it an accident?”

The man shut his mouth. That’s what I thought.

“I can not seem to figure out why people insist on stealing. We, as royals, have set rules. We have rules in place to keep these things from happening. Tell me why.”

Confusion fell on the man’s face. “Tell you why? Tell you why what?”

I released a frustrated sigh before speaking. “Tell me why people insist on stealing.”

He stuttered his reply. “I-I could not t-tell you why p-people steal b-but I-”

“But nothing. If you can not give me a reason, I will find one.”

I turned my back and lifted my hands to my face, bored with the conversation. I know the outcome…it is his death…and I have to be the one to announce it.

“Tomorrow at the crack of dawn you will have your head cut of-”

“Wait. Wait I-I have a reason.”

Silence fell in the room. He dared interrupt the queen? Charles grows in anger and is on the brink of killing the man himself. I calmly raise my hand to stop him.

“I can handle this, my love,” I swallow and clear my throat, “it is my job to do so.”

Charles steps back and signals for the other guardsman in the room to lower their weapons pointed in the direction of the man. I turn around slowly in anger and stare at the man. It is at this point when I realize that I do not know his name. Normally, in these cases I sign the document and let Charles handle the execution ceremony.

“What is your name?”

The man stares at me in disbelief before replying. “Joseph. My name is Joseph Willingham.”

“Well Joseph…you better have a good reason or so help me God…I will do more than cut your head off.”

The look that crossed over Joseph’s face stunned me in my place. He looked so scared…so terrified. My stomach dropped at this. I’d never seen anyone that scared of me. The boy who came to my room did not even look this scared of me. I looked down at my stance and saw how close I walked to him. I see how menacing I look. My eyebrows furrow and I take a step back forcing myself not to apologize. A queen never apologizes.

“I-I do have a good reason but… my queen…could I speak with you alone about it?”

I stared at him in confusion before looking around to see that everybody in the room was just as confused as I. I speak to him in a softer voice than before, feeling guilty about how I spoke earlier.

“Why must you speak with me alone? Whatever you can say, you can say in front of everybody here.”

He lets out a humorless laugh. “Well your majesty…you are the only one in this room who has not laid violent hands upon me.”

I stare at him for a while before I accept his request.

“You can speak with me alone. You have 10 minutes to tell me why you should not be killed while I am eating my breakfast tomorrow.”

I start walking back through the doors I came in, “Two guards pick him off the floor and follow me to my room.”

I don’t stop to look and see if they heard me…I know they did. As I walk back to my room, I walk in silence. My thoughts scream in my head as I think over the scene that unfolded in that room. This is the first time I will interact with someone waiting to be executed. This is my first time.

As we get closer to my room, we enter the hallway with the family portraits. I catch the eye of my mother and suddenly yearn for her comfort.

What would she do? Would she listen to his reasoning?

I did not have time to search for the answers to those questions as we passed through the hall and stood in front of my room. I open the doors and the smell of lavender settles in my nose. I tell the guards to get Joseph a seat while I go to my vanity and sit down.

Joseph stares at me as I stare at him. We watch each other. Him, I’m sure, in fear of what I could do. Me, in fear of what he could do. Once the guards brought in another chair, Joseph sat down and let his head drop. He released a deep, tired sigh.

“Joseph, let me remind you that you are only being allowed 10 minutes to talk.”

Joseph quickly lifted his head and began to speak. “I am not a thief.”

“Maybe try words you have not already spoken to me.”

Joseph releases another sigh before replying. “I am not a thief, but I am a father. I am a father to two girls, born at the same time. Twins.”

I think about this information only to realize that killing him would practically shatter his family. I refuse to talk, letting him have his 10 minutes.

“I didn’t steal from that market just to steal. I worked in the mines down in the Gutter before I was let off because of refusing to participate in the strikes they held. I could not participate, I would have been taken to jail. I needed money for food. I needed to feed my wife…my babies. I only took one thing. I took an apple. It was the only thing I could force myself to steal, I do not steal. I have never stolen anything before today.”

As I stared at him, I could tell that he was being honest. Tears pooled at his feet as he began to cry. My heart ached for him. I couldn’t let up easily on him. I needed to be sure I was doing the right thing.

I whispered his name in a comforting voice. “Joseph.”

He watched me walk to him and bend down to his level. He never looked away from me.

“We have rules. To steal is to be killed. We have no room for thieves under my rule nor the king’s, but… you are no thief. In order for an execution to not be administered, you have to have a trial with the royal court. My ruling will decide but they have to hear your story as well. This will be a first…we do not hold trials for thieves and yet…”

I release a final sigh before standing straight up. I motion for the guards to follow me outside the room.

“One of you take him to an empty room and have the maids come clean him up and redress him in cleaner clothes. For the other, go to the king and let him know we will hold a trial for Joseph. Tell him to gather the court. It will be held tomorrow,” I look back to see Joseph keenly listening to my words, “tomorrow at breakfast.”

With a deep sigh of relief, I see Joseph slump his body back over as his shoulders begin to bounce up and down. I bid the guards goodbye and watched as one of them took Joseph away. I close my door and lean against it in pain. A wave of sickness falls over me as it dawns on me how many people I may have wrongfully executed. The people I killed…the people I murdered for no good reason at all. As the thoughts dawn on me, I rush to the water closet to release the upcoming food in my mouth. With sounds of gagging and spit finally leaving the room, I slump over before laying on my back to ease my stomach. I sit in silence despite my thoughts screaming in my head. Tears pool in the dents of my face.

I can’t let it happen again. I can’t let them kill people like Joseph again. 

I manage to peel myself off the floor and gather myself quickly. I look outside the window in my room and notice the dark sky shining bright with many stars. I remember my mom telling me that whenever I felt lost all I had to do was look into the stars and find my path. My neck strains itself looking up for so long, but it was worth it. I found the path…I found my path.

With a smile on my face, I close the window and climb into bed. Tomorrow brings change.

The birds wake me with their morning song. I stretch my stiff limbs and allow the maids to come in and dress me. After 20 minutes of silence mixed with the occasional grunt from me, I head out of my room in the direction of the room where the trial was to be held. On my journey, I pass by my mother’s portrait. While staring at the picture, a feeling of content settled in my stomach. I felt…at peace. I felt like I had the answers. I felt like I was doing the right thing. With a bidding smile goodbye, I left my mother and went to enter the room.

Like any day, when I walked in, everything stopped to watch me enter. Soon enough, heads and bodies bowed for me. The other 5 members of the royal court sat in high chairs overlooking the room. My husband sat in admiration of me. I could feel his eagerness to have me near him, so I obliged. I walked in confidence to the chair that sat beside him. With a quick kiss on his lips, I sat down and moved my attention to the man standing in the middle of the floor. It is Joseph. He looks scared…terrified even. His eyes keep moving between every person in the room except mine. I stare at his head until he feels it. When he does, his eyes slowly find me. I send him a quick, comforting smile. After he visibly relaxed, I began speaking.

“Today we gather. We gather to give a fair man a fair trial. I had the pleasure of speaking with Mr. Wilingham and I want you all to listen to what he has to say. I feel a change in the air, my people. I feel good change coming and I think it starts here,” I look at Joseph, “The floor is yours.”

Within 10 minutes, Joseph tells the court and myself the same story he told yesterday. From the faces of the members of the court, his story had the same effect on them like it did on me. Even my husband seemed to have a change of heart. His hand squeezed mine, bidding me to look at him. His eyes held regret and guilt. He knew exactly why I called the trial. I give him a reassuring smile, my eyes telling him we will converse at a later time.

Once Joseph finishes his story, silence fills the room. Everyone turns to me for the next words to be said.

I speak lowly at first. “Everyone in this room has killed a man. We have all killed a man because we did not take the time to listen to his story.”

Heads started to go down. Eyes started to wander around the room. Guilt started to seep into the room.

“How many Joseph’s did we kill? How many more could we have killed?”

When no answer was given, I stood up.

“This will no longer happen. Every person to come in this place we call home will have a story. Every person deserves to be heard. From this day forward, each person convicted of a crime will have a fair trial and an ear to listen to their story.”

The same heads that were down picked back up at my words. Faces full of respect filled the room. I turned to look at my husband to see a wide smile plastered on his face. I send him a smile before turning around and going to stand in front of Joseph.

“As for Joseph Wilingham, you are to be set free to return home with the promise to have royal protection for yourself and your family for as long as you may live. I will see to it that your family receives monetary compensation for the pain and suffering we have caused you. On behalf of every person in this room, I am deeply sorry.”

Joseph covers his mouth with his hand in disbelief and falls to the ground.

“My queen! Oh, how can I give more thanks to you?”

I smile before replying. “You do not have to give me more. I know. Pick yourself off the ground and join me tonight for supper before you depart back home.”

Joseph slowly builds himself back up to a standing position before agreeing to stay. I soon release everyone to go back to their duties.

My husband and I stand in the middle of the room that was just filled moments ago. He holds me as I hold him.

“My queen. A noble woman with a good heart. You are so good, my love.”

I shake my head at him with tears in my eyes.

“Oh, my love! The people we killed. We can not bring them back and it hurts. It hurts so much.”

I break down and cry in his arms. He pulls me close while whispering words of reassurance into my ears. After sharing our moment together, he bids me goodbye as he goes to make the arrangements for Joseph’s family. Exhaustion finds me and I start back to my room. On my walk back, I stop at my mother’s portrait and send her a bright smile.

“Even in your afterlife, you manage to make me see all the answers.”

I continue my walk to my room and soon find myself falling into bed. With the deeds of the day done, my eyes close to welcome rest at the time a smile creeps its way onto my lips.

I may not know all the answers yet, but today was only the beginning.

What do I do now?

The school has been officially canceled for the 2019-2020 school year and I honestly do not know how to feel. I mean a part of me is happy that I have more summertime, but half of me is upset because I did not get the chance to finish my junior year. I mean there are so many events and ideas I had planned yet now it feels impossible. However, nothing is truly impossible. This is another situation where I have to put the mind of matter. I have to stop stressing about things I cannot control. What is meant to be will happen! But I can’t help to wonder, what am I going to do now?

Throughout quarantine, I have been focusing on college and scholarships. I mean I have made a whole binder named, “Road to College” lol. I guess you can say that I am excited because I am. College is something I fantasize about my whole life! Ever since I was a little girl I knew I was going to New York University. Fast forward almost ten years later plans have changed and I have now set my heart on Howard University. Picking the right college is important to me, and I don’t want to make a decision that I will regret. However, it seems like since Corona has come everything has changed. I probably won’t get the chance to step onto Howard’s campus. But virtual college tours have been helpful like the Chicago HBCU Alumni Alliance. The organization plan a virtual tour with over ten historically black colleges and universities and that was extremely helpful to me. They are hosting a part 2 here is the information: 

HBCU College Tour PT 2 (1).jpg

https://www.chihbcualliance.com/part2

The next thing that has been on my mind is getting a job. Yes, the time has come for me to start working for my own money. I mean I did babysit last year but I don’t think that is for me. So, I have my first job interview on Thursday! Surprisingly, I am excited I believe one of the reasons why I was opposed to getting a job was fear. But I have to get over that fear only holds me back. Now that school is out, and I’m almost done with my school work; I can focus on me and my development as a person.

One thing I learned about myself during this pandemic, I am not the best person I can be. I’m disappointed in that because I thought that I was solid, but now I realize that I need to do some self-evaluation. I want to officially start my spiritual journey and grow a stronger connection with God. One thing my grandma always told me is, “The devil is working.” I know he is working hard during this time to try to break me, but I WILL NOT LET HIM! As long as I have my connection with God and my family I can achieve anything.

When I began this blog post I felt truly confused about what should I do. However, now I know. See that is why I love writing, I learn something new every time! Also, thank you so much for the nice comments on How Do Mississippians Feel about Confederate Heritage Month? It means a lot to me to have positive support!

to all future msa students

Hi, hello, how are you? Has anyone told you that you’re doing amazing and that they’re proud of you? I hope so! ANYWHOO, my name is Brianna, you can call me Bri because we’re all friends here. I am a Junior (Senior? I don’t know. School is technically cancelled so I don’t know anymore lol.) at MSA.

Yes, I am copying Callie Matthew’s blog (Sorryyyy! It’s just a lovely idea). I wanted to leave a letter to future students as well!

To start off, I’d just like to say that I’m so proud of you for thinking about coming to our lovely school. While Mississippi School of The Arts is not for everyone, I do hope that it’s for you. It’s such a healthy environment for creativity and compassion. Okay, here’s my letter to you.

Dear Whoever You Decide To Be,

At MSA, you can be anybody you want. This is a fresh place with fresh people. You have a chance to completely start over and rebuild yourself. That’s exactly what I did, and I’ve never been this happy in my entire life. This school has amazing people who will love you and care for you deeply. I have experienced this first-hand. It’s okay to be terrified. Everyone was. It’s okay to be confused. This is going to be a confusing time. Everything is changing (For the better!) It’s okay to feel however you’re feeling coming into this world. And believe me, MSA is a completely different world.

I’m not going to lie, at first, you might feel an overwhelming sense of loneliness. And that’s perfectly normal and accepted. If you’re like me, and can’t find your future roommate anywhere on social media, you have no idea who you’re going to be living with. And it’s okay to switch roommates. Your happiness is priority #1, forever and always. But once you start to feel comfortable, you’ll make friends I promise. Remember: all you need is one person supporting you to change your life. And you will always have your seniors (us) to come to. We are all so very excited to meet you guys and to love you like family!

You may be wondering what to expect here. And I’m here to tell you a few things we like to do. For one, we always sing happy birthday at lunch if anyone has a birthday. (Yes, it is kind of embarrassing to be the person being sung to, but at least you know we all care!) Second, there will always be someone you can come to. ALWAYS. If you can’t find anyone, find me! Just text me or call me and I’m there for you. I’ll leave my social medias at the bottom of the blog so you can find me and talk to me! Third, there is a lot of work for every discipline. The academic classes will be challenging, but every teacher will help you when you need it. If you’re a literary, Mrs. Sibley will love you like her own kids, but she will remind you that she is not your friend (LOL love you Mrs. Sibley). She is by far the best teacher that I’ve ever had. She is the head of the literary department and she is the most caring and compassionate person you will meet. She will give you honest and helpful advice any time you need it. She will help you grow like the beautiful flower you are.

Finally, what do you even bring?? This was my biggest question coming into this school. I won’t go into specifics, because there’s a lot. You’ll need: cleaning supplies, bathroom necessities, clothes, laundry detergent, QUARTERS (for the washing and drying machines), bed sheets, pillows, blankets, entertainment (no TV’s though. I suggest books, music, etc.), snacks (I brought poptarts, chips, ramen noodles, etc.), drinks(!!!!), clothing hangers, some kind of caffeine, and plenty of shoes for every type of weather. There’s a few more, but I’ll let you decide what you want and need to bring. Personally, books, fuzzy socks, hoodies, cranberry juice, and coffee were my life savers. We have walmart runs every Tuesday and Thursday, so you can get whatever you need then. Every weekend that we don’t go home, administration finds some fun activities that you can sign up for. They’re not mandatory, but they are fun! MSA also has a gym and a lounge for you to hang out at.

A few rules that MSA has that you NEED to know. On weeknights, you HAVE to be on your floor at 10PM and in your room by 10:30PM. On weekends, you have to be on your floor by 12AM and in your room by 12:30AM. PDA (public display of affection) is kind of tricky at MSA. A few things that ARE allowed are: brief kisses on the cheek and brief hugs. A few things that ARE NOT allowed: kissing on the mouth (Gross! Cooties!), canoodling (whatever that means lol I saw it on a TV show), cuddling, etc.

I asked a few friends what they wished someone had told them about MSA before coming. So, here’s a few things I’m going to tell you that I wished someone had told me.

  • Sometimes, it’s more work than fun. But it’s very worth it.
  • Academic classes are very important here.
  • You might have to sacrifice a few things. (not, like, ritually. LOL)
  • It is going to a feel a little overbearing sometimes, but it’s for the best.
  • MSA is just like a college, but with high school classes.
  • You will barely have any alone time unless you ask to be alone, your roommate is not in the room, or you lock yourself in the bathroom lol. You’re constantly around people, and it will get a little overwhelming if you’re not used to it. (I was not used to being around people all the time, so I struggled with this the most)
  • Be careful with what you say. You never know who will hear you.
  • You’re going to lack routine for a little while.
  • Hang out with you friends as much as possible. They’re going to miss you just as much as you miss them.
  • You are not required to keep up with anyone but yourself. Don’t let anyone ever make you feel guilty for not checking on them. You’re starting an almost completely different life.
  • DO NOT spend all your money at Dirt Cheap! It’s going to be hard, but you can do it.
  • It is going to be strenuous. You’re going to be tired. But you’re going to improve so much in your art.
  • You do not have to be perfect all the time. Nobody is, and nobody ever will be. You can make mistakes! You can make as many as you want as many times as you need to until you learn.
  • You will learn things about yourself you never thought you would.
  • I PROMISE your seniors will understand your struggles. We were there too. Some of us might still be there. We will understand and we will help you in any way we can.
  • It’s okay to be shy and introverted here. It’s okay to be outgoing and extroverted here.
  • It’s okay to not want to attend MSA. It’s not for everyone.
  • I, Brianna Cox, will be your friend. If you’re not comfortable talking to anyone else, I am right here. I will listen until you don’t feel like talking anymore.
  • Nobody here will judge you. Be who you want to be without remorse.

Thank you for reading this. We love you already. We’re just as excited to meet you as you  are to meet us!

Social medias you can find me on: Instagram- briannalaynecox, Snapchat- brianna_layne54, Facebook- Brianna Cox, and if you want my phone number, just text me on one of those and tell me! I’m here to help in any way I can.

Remember: You are beautiful, you are worthy, you are loved, and you are accepted.

Peace out, girl scout 🙂

April (In a Few Words)

Hey, guys. I hope quarantine has been groovy for all of you. (:

(except the people throwing parties everyday…yeah, you know who you are; I hope your fries have too much salt)

Well, it looks like I am typing my second-to-last blog as a junior. For awhile, I debated about typing something intriguinglike an examination of the secrets of the universe—but I decided to stick with my good ol’ monthly series (my last one…probably forever…). Besides, you can not handle the vast expanse of knowledge that I have gathered from my travels through the star systems, I—have been watching too much Star Wars apparently. 

I have typed so many regretful blogs in which I have ranted. Dear committed readers who have traveled through my excessive explosion of words, I pity you. I pity you because you probably know all about my love for new wave music, tacos, and synthesizers. I pity you because you probably know more about Tears for Fears than the average individual (they are releasing a new album probably next year, so run for your lives before I type another review). I pity you because I have subjected you all to my humor, my words, my existence. My blogs are adventures that few survive, but I have been so grateful for the opportunity to share my thoughts. Because, past all of the random typos and slightly pompous (and idiotic) phrasing, this is who I am.


(This is my second attempt at writing this blog post…sigh.)


So, school was practically cancelled. I usually anticipate the worst, but hearing the news made me realize how much hope I had.

I am so sick of seeing houses with twenty cars parked nearby, inflatable bouncy castles, and convoys of speeding cars driven by teenagers. Hm, I wonder why the number of cases will not drop?

I feel like we are in the midst of summer…only with virtual learning, stress, and apathy. Time and time again, life proves itself to be a roller coaster of events and emotions. On one hand, you can seize the opportunity to make use of your time and plan for the future. But on the other hand, why? When will this end? What is the point of planning ahead when an impossible number of days exist between now and tomorrow?

Some days, I could not care less. I love all of this extra time. And when online work ceases to exist, I will have time to approach long-awaited projects. But some days I wake up bitter and annoyed. I want to do nothing. I immerse myself in anything but reality, or I dwell on the bottomless amount of negatives. The workload, although minimal, feels impossible. And I count the days despite not having anything to count down to.

What is the point of anything? Pessimism arrives without fail, day after day. I read my old blogs and hate them. I read anything I have written…hate it. And then I think of my laughable attempts to stay optimistic and help people. What is the point of optimism and humor if it does nothing? What is the point of moving forward if you only run in place? I hate constantly finding myself captured in in-between places.

But guess what?

Running in place is not a useless exercise. Anything counts. Tomorrow does exist, and what is the point of tomorrow if you ignore today?

I wake up in the morning and think of everything I have lost and all that is uncertain. But seriously? Does it matter? Yes, it does, but is quarantine that horrible? I used to wake up in a rush, and I drank the majority of my coffee in a crowded elevator. But now I savor it. And everyday I have coffee, and everyday my mom pours me a cup. She does this without me having to ask…everyday.

Sometimes I allow the fog of pessimism to absorb my attention, shrouding everything with a grey tint. But the sun has continued to set, streaking the sky with pink and purple. I love sunsets beyond belief; they fill my heart with something indescribable. Sometimes I want to lie in a patch of clovers and watch the pink clouds crawl across the sky, watching as the world slips into a purple pool of fading light. Sometimes the sky seems so immense, so appealing. I wish I could sink into it.

I am sick of hearing about the “new normal”. I am sick of fear and uncertainty and disappointment. I am sick of holding onto what used to be; I want to let go, let my mind breathe.

Allow yourself time to settle. Get sick of daydreams or loudly cry into your journal. But you need to wake up; do not spend this multitude of “todays” asleep in life. But then you must forgive yourself. Forgive yourself for all of the days you grieved over stale chicken sandwiches, for all of the days you stared at your ceiling for hours and ignored those you should have thanked. Forgive yourself for all of what you took for granted. Forgive yourself for not saying good-bye.

I have spent so many days asleep in life, lately. I have lived only halfway; I have wanted to live halfway. But why? Some of it is justified, I will say, but come on…

Yes, this—to state it plainly—sucks. I am introvert who dislikes large social gatherings, but even I think this sucks. 

But you must move forward. Let go, please. You are only hurting yourself. Stop counting the days. Stop wishing. And stop pretending that everything is fine. Be honest with yourself and everyone around you.

I was forced to learn a lot this month. I spent many hours staring at my computer and plowing through homework, less stressed but lacking motivation. I listened to music ninety percent of every day (which will not change), and I clung to useless fragments of a past routine. But I learned to persevere even on the days I felt overwhelmingly grey and empty. I learned (and am still learning) to be patient with my surroundings and appreciate the privileges I once had (*an empty dorm room*).

All in all, I have felt unnecessarily irritated, bitter, and apathetic. I have listened to The Cure at a loud volume (but I do that anyway, hah), and I have hid in my room like a hermit detesting much interaction. But I have realized the benefits of such an extraordinary (extra ordinary) occurrence, and I am learning to have patience and greater appreciation. I am learning to resist over-dramatic reactions (school being cancelled does not warrant a hundred journal entries of complaints). Anyway, I have had to learn a lot. And although it sucks to have the end of this school year ripped away, I still have my senior year (cue the confused panic).

I am about to empty out my dorm room, so hopefully that should establish a sense of finality in my mind. Because, for some reason, I feel that I will wake up in my room on the sixth floor and see my fantastic suitemate next door before we run to class. I feel that I will take the elevator with my seniors and see them in class. But I am about to be the senior. I already had my last day as a junior on campus, and I can do nothing to change that. I can do nothing to change the fact that everything will be different.

So, after all of this rambling, what is my message?

Well, when online work ends, I am about to wreak havoc. Flower pots need painting, music discoveries need to be made, and synthesizer riffs need attention.

Oh, wait, the message, yes…enough about me.

Stop hating everything. Wake up, please. Let go of what is holding you back, even if it is temporary. Explore today and have hope. Indulge in dreams and wishes for the future, but do not detach yourself from reality. Get out of your head; do not sink into a convoluted headspace. Take care of yourself, and extend your attention to the well-being of others. In-between places will drag you into an inescapable abyss if you possess the wrong mindset. You need to escape your worries, your uncertainty, and you must take control of the present. What can you do for yourself right now? What can you do now that will positively affect your future? How can you help those around you? Never give up.

There are times when I despise everything I create, everything I have influenced. There are times when I read old blogs and cringe because I am an absolute laughingstock. And there are times when I would rather isolate myself completely than confront obligations and disappoint everyone.

But the sun rises; the sun sets. The moon, although often out of sight, always brightens the darkest of skies. Dandelions grow between the cracks in the asphalt, resilient as ever. Your lungs take in oxygen without much conscious thought (you are now aware of your breathing…haha). Do whatever makes you happy, even if it is ranting about new wave music to exasperated listeners. Lie in the grass and watch the clouds and dream of impossible things like stepping into the sky and falling into a world of color. You influence the earth in so many ways; you are connected to so many other individuals.

Therefore, in conclusion, I have one last question: Who are you in spite of all of this?

Thank you.


Wednesday’s Fun Fact:

Monstera deliciosa (Swiss cheese plant):

Monstera Deliciosa Care — House Plant Hobbyist

This is one of my favorite plants. I love the leaves and the name. Perhaps it translates to “delicious monster”?

Until next time. (: