a mixed bag of life-changing media for when you’re sad

i don’t know if it’s the second semester of senior year hitting me, or if i genuinely need to go see a psychiatrist, because it’s getting rough. like, unimaginably rough. i can barely get out of bed. even after class, i sleep the entire day and then take melatonin so i can sleep more at night. i’ve been in this phase for a while now. the stress of this school is really starting to way down on me. when i get this way, i usually turn towards media. despite what you may think, i don’t reach out for happy media. rather, i consume media that is absolutely gut-wrenching. for some reason, it’s the only thing i can take when i’m like this. so, i thought i’d share some of my favorite gut-wrenchingly beautiful media. you don’t have to be in emotional distress to consume this stuff, but it helps.


lift your skinny fists like antennas to heaven – an album by godspeed you! black emperor

as im writing this, this is the album i’m listening to (that’s how bad it is rn). this album really changed my life. the circumstances around me hearing it for the first time is sort of a sore subject now, but we’ll dance around it so i can explain the context of this album within my life. it’s a 1 hour and 27 minute album with only four songs: storm, static, sleep, and like antennas to heaven… the album is completely instrumental, with the only voices coming in the form of samples and short dialogue. no singing whatsoever. despite this, this album makes me feel more than any other out there. i could not recommend this album more. especially if you’re listening to it alone in the dark, eyes wide open and staring at the visual deformities in your eye. the vivid scenes i see in my head from this album are terrifying, and resemble the likes of the great artist Zdzislaw Beksinski. speaking of him, he’s also included in this list. 


works by zdzislaw beksinski

the works by zdzislaw beksinski give me a feeling of absolute tragedy and dread like no other. i’m in love with them. i’ve always been a fan of surrealism, and beksinski pairs surrealism with a dystopian future and it is the perfect mix of absolute inexplicable dread. there are scenes of great walls with bodies strung from the top made out of bones thin as wire. great black birds with bellies full of blood fly above giant cathedrals made of the dead. faces are wrapped in layers of gauze and bodies crawl on all fours away from a burning fire. this is a nightmare world. beksinski creates this sense of horror and dread by making everything that is unimaginable and terrifying giant, and making us so so small. the album i previously mentioned can be best described as the soundtrack for this dystopian nightmare world. it’s a world i find myself lost in all the time. i don’t know how to describe it, but it’s everything i believe beauty and horror is. 


the end of evangelion 

if you’ve ever watched neon genesis evangelion, then you know that is has a rather optimistic ending. if you don’t know about the ending to the show, read my blog about it here for context. basically, in the movie the end of evangelion, we see a more terrifying and unfulfilling ending. shinji rejects himself, and he succumbs to his darker parts. in turn, the world around him crumbles and falls as the third impact takes place. shinji rejects instrumentality. decomposing entities and blood oceans can be seen throughout the ending scenes. what was supposed to be a new existence of endless companionship and the end of depression and loneliness is now ultimately hollow and worthless. shinji stands on the shore and looks at the emptiness, mirroring himself. this movie practically threw out the optimistic ending of the show that brought me to tears, and took the show down a route that left me feeling as empty as the world i was watching. this movie is beautiful, but almost hard to watch. i couldn’t recommend it more. 


six feet under

six feet under is a television show that follows the life of a family that owns a funeral home. every single episode starts with a death. the first episode, the death of the family’s father. the final episode, the death of the family. everything in-between is various deaths of unknown strangers. yet, we find ourselves getting to know those strangers through the actions of the main family. this show basically deals with death. all kinds of death. there is not a single episode of this show that doesn’t have some kind of death in it. this show left such an impact on me because of the way it ended. it is said to have one of the best endings in all of television. i think this is true. you watch these characters change and grow and in the end you watch every single one of them die. as a teenager with a suffocating fear of death, the ending broke me completely. i couldn’t take it. this show takes a very long time to finish, so i only recommend it when you truly feel like you’re at rock bottom, and you won’t be getting out anytime soon.


bojack horseman

this is an obvious one. bojack horseman is a show that follows the life of former tv star bojack horseman as he navigates his personal grievances and mental issues. there are so many different characters in this show that i feel like represent a different part of me. the empty longing and cycle of suffering of diane. the self sabotage of bojack. the unfulfilling life of princess carolyn. there is so many things i could say about each character, but as a whole, this show is 100% life changing. not sure if it’s in a good way or not. but if you haven’t seen it, then it’s a must watch. the ending isn’t satisfying– not at all. and that’s because it’s real. this show doesn’t bullshit you. it doesn’t try to convince you that any of these characters are redeemable, or that they’ll get their final closure. because that’s not how life works. this show puts the ugly on show. it shows you the real grit of life. and that’s why it always hurts so much to watch. but i love it. 


cry of fear

cry of fear is a video game that i hold very close to my heart. i’ve played it over 5 times now, and it’s a game i turn to often. it’s older and flawed, but is universally an agreed masterpiece. the game follows 19 year old simon after he gets into an accident. when he wakes up after the accident, he is alone in a world full of terrifying entities. as he navigates this world, all other signs of life get slim and slimmer. the girl he loves dies in front of him. he chases after a crazy doctor only to fall behind over and over again. he goes through these nightmare episode worlds that are surreal and terrifying. and he all wants to do is go home. when he finally reaches home, he realizes no one is home. and as he turns around, he is met with himself. there are many different endings to this game, and each reveals a new secret about the story. the real underlying truth about the storyline is that simon is immediately paralyzed from the waist down after the accident. he is brought to the hospital and told by his doctor to write a book to help him deal with the depression and depressing thoughts made prevalent by the accident. when simon wakes up alone in the game, that is where the book starts. the book ends when simon decides the fate of his own life. there are no happy endings to this game. in each one, death lingers and takes the lives of someone close to simon. in most, simon is that person. the game itself is terrifying and one of the most life-changing video games you can play for free.


so yeah, that’s all i have for today. i have plenty of life-changing media that i could share, but these are the things i reach for when life gets pretty hard, as it is. if you decide to look into any of them, i hope they comfort you like me. that’s all from me. peace out.

My fixation pt. 2

So, for those who may not remember, I posted a blog consisting of some Egyptian gods and goddesses that I really like and find intriguing. I really enjoy Egyptian mythology and love learning more about it. This post is a continuation of the list from last time. Hope you enjoy:)

Again, these are in no particular order.

1. Ammit

Illustration showing a creature, with the green head of a crocodile, the forelegs of a golden lion and the brown hind legs of a hippopotamus.

If you’ve ever watched Moonknight(great series, btw) then you may already know of Ammit. Does the series accurately depict Ammit, though? Not entirely. First off, she’s not technically a goddess. She’s more often referred to as a demoness or some greatly feared creature. She’s physically depicted as having the head of a crocodile, the front legs of a lion, and the hind legs of a hippo. Her name means “devourer” or “soul-eater”. So… yeah, not entirely friendly. She’s associated with the idea of punishment for the soul. Her image served as a warning to the living to live a good life and avoid wrongdoing. The first thing I noticed after watching Moonknight and looking up the depiction of Ammit was obviously the physical difference.

Instead of looking like this…

ᴀᴍᴍɪᴛ | ɪᴄᴏɴ

She would look like this…

Ammit is a demon creature that has the head of a crocodile the upper body  of a lion with huge mane and lower body of a hippo. It eats evil souls. The

I know it’s just a show, but I just find it a little humorous.

2. Anubis

Illustration showing a man with the head of a jackal, holding an ankh and a sceptre.

Despite what you may see in movies, Anubis is a pretty cool guy. It’s not really his fault he’s the god of the dead. Movies may often refer to him as something bad(because Hollywood), but he’s not. He’s depicted as having the head of a jackal and the body of a man. Worshipped throughout Egypt, he’s said to be a protector of the dead as he guides them in their journey through the underworld. He’s also the god of mummification and the afterlife(much like Osiris). He’s said to be a gentle and caring god, ensuring the dead are treated with respect. It’s really neat viewing him in this light.

3.  Ma’at

Illustration shows a woman with a blue ostrich feather on her head, and green wings which she holds out with her hands, she is wearing a red garment.

As the goddess of truth, justice, and balance, Ma’at is associated with order and harmony.  She is often shown as a woman wearing an ostrich feather on her headdress and having wings she holds out with her hands. She’s believed to represent the force that keeps the universe in balance and is called upon events such as crowning a pharaoh, or the signing of a peace treaty.  When people would die and make their way through the underworld to be judged, their deceased hearts would be weighed against Ma’at or her feather. I feel like she’d be like one of those moms where nothing gets past her.

4. Sekhmet

Illustration shows a woman with the head of a green lioness, she is wearing a red garment and holding an ankh cross and a sceptre.

This is the goddess of war, destruction, power, and strength. Her image is used as a symbol of courage and resilience. She is also the goddess of pestilence and plague, and because of this, she was thought to have the power to protect against disease and evil. She’s depicted as having the head of a lioness and the body of a woman and wears a headdress of a sun disc. If you remember me talking about Bastet and Hathor in my last post, I talked about how both of them have the power to protect against disease just like Sekhmet. This is because Sekhmet is the goddess that they turn into when angered. Once calm, she turns back into either Bastet or Hathor. Sekhmet is also considered a warrior of the sun god Ra and would fight against enemies of the sun.

That is it for the list. I really enjoyed writing this, and I hope you enjoyed reading it. See you next month. Much love<3

Overwatch Tier list :)

Inside my brain holds vast amounts of knowledge that is absolutely useless to me in reality. This is where I share my information since people don’t like when you yap for hours about overwatch 2. So, let me get my yapping out of my system with this post. Basicalllyyyyy, I made a tier list of all the overwatch heroes from S (best) to D (worst). This is my list and a synopsis of my thoughts. 

I guess this is where I break it down….so

S Tier

In S tier I have Dva, Lucio, Ball, Ramatra, Zenyatta, Sombra, Kiriko, Junker Queen, Sojourn, Baptiste, and Zarya (in order on the tier). D.va is kind of hit or miss depending on skill. If you have a very skilled tank player on your team then yeah she is S, but if your Dva is terrible she’s going to drop to a C or D. This is because she has a kit thats very useful for the team if you know how to time it all. Lucio is a very good support pick right now. He is in the meta at the moment. He takes a decent amount of skill though making it hard for lower ranks to have a meta team composition. His speed boost is just very useful, his ability to hold overtime, and his heals. Ball is a very hard character to play. If your tank is just playing ball to play him your team is going to get rolled. When you play ball, you have to know map layouts, good aim, good use of your abilities, timing, and any other tank skill. He just requires a lot of skill, but if your tank is a skilled ball, you 100% will win. Ramatra is another tank I’d class similarly to ball. He doesn’t require as much skill mostly knowing how to utilize your kit, but I love having a good Ram because he is harder to play against. Next is a support hero, Zenyatta. Zenyatta is also a part of the meta right now in lower lobbies and higher ones. I wouldn’t say you need crazy skill, but you need some. Mostly game sense and aim. His discord ability is so useful in winning fights and his heals are decent. I wouldn’t usually class sombra so high, but she is in the meta right now as well since she got ANOTHER rework on her hero. She is in absolutely every single game I que into and she absolutely destroys the teams back line. Kiriko, also meta right now, is a support who has one of the best kits for survivability. She has immortality, teleportation, and fast healing. 10/10. Junker queen is just unkillable. If you know how to play her kit she is very hard to kill. Sojourn is also meta right now for damage players. She just has good utility and shes a value to have on your team. Baptiste is another support in meta due to his high damage output and great healing. Zarya is a good tank to play but she is not meta at all and I would only suggest playing her if your are a skilled Zarya player. 

A Tier

I’m going to talk about A tier more as a whole because most of what I have to say can be said about all of these heroes. First, let me tell you their names in order of the photo. Bastion, Genji, Winston, Reaper, Symmetra, Reinhardt, Tracer, Widowmaker, Moira, Mauga, Sigma, and Orisa. Almost everyone in A tier provides so much value to your team if played right. Almost all of them are heroes that require a lot of skill to provide any value. Some definitely aren’t like Mauga, Orisa, and Moira. The rest of these heroes you have to have game sense, know flanking strategies, know your kit, have good aim, etc etc. BUT if you are good on them they are very very valuable to your team. 

B Tier

B Tier are the heroes who just aren’t very in meta, kits aren’t that great right now, and I’m just losing matches with these people on my team. We have Junkrat, Mei, Pharah, Soldier 76, Roadhog, Torbjorn, Lifeweaver, Ashe, Brigetta, Doomfist, and Ana. I don’t mind having these heroes on my team but they typically don’t provide a lot unless played well, and they typically just get counter picked. There is one hero in here i would put higher in the tiers though. Ana. Her kit is amazing and so useful, but unfortunately we are only human and everybody’s aim sucks. Ana is a support sniper. You can play her close or long range but your aim has to be good or you might loose the whole game for everyone. A skilled Ana player I would throw to S. 

C Tier

I only have 5 people down here because there aren’t really any characters who are truly terrible. You can win with any comp if you have any skill. In C I have Cassidy, Hanzo, Mercy, Illari, and Echo. Cassidy belongs in D tier honestly. He has no value to the team, his kit is bad, and you have to have good aim to play him. Hanzo is in C due to his recent nerf. He used to could 1 shot people if it was a headshot, but he can no longer do that, so he just isn’t too great anymore. Mercy is a good support she just is not in the meta at all right now. Her healing is way to slow to the point of when you play her you have to ONLY heal. No damage. No damage boosting. Only healing. The meta right now is fast, hit scan, etc. so mercy doesn’t quite do the job. Illari is another support who doesn’t have great healing or dps and isn’t meta so no one is playing her right now. 

After making the tier list and typing this out I want to move Echo to A. She is very good at getting important picks if you know her kit well and have decent timing and aim. I think she is good to have if the person playing her is a good Echo. 

 

Thank you. 

THEY DON’T WANT ME…

Hello guys,

I am back again and tears are flooding my keyboard. Sooo, college season is coming to a detrimental end. I will be receiving my last few decisions this week. I have been accepted to 15 schools, but we always talk about the acceptances and the rejections get no attention. I understand the need of staying positive during this horrid time, but I want to talk about my rejections, how I reacted to them, and how they made me feel later on.

All the colleges I got accepted to had decent acceptance rates (30% and up), but my top schools are 15% and under and they have truly humbled me. Of course I didn’t expect to be accepted to all of them, but I definitely didn’t think there would be so many back to back rejections. The first one was the University of Florida followed by Tulane, Notre Dame, Baylor, Johns Hopkins, University of Southern California, Massachusetts Institute of Technology, Swarthmore, and Northeastern. After applying, thinking about the possibility of rejection initially struck me hard, and I thought I would be devastated, crying, and sad. Fortunately, that was not the case and I took the rejections pretty well. When I first open them I’m a little bummed like any normal person would be and I think about them often, not separately but as a whole and it still hasn’t struck me very hard. I only think it will hit me excruciatingly hard if I don’t get into ANY of my top schools. I’m not necessarily worried about that, because I am still awaiting 14 schools to release decisions and I think I have good odds to get at least 2 out of 23 top schools in all. 

Even if I don’t get into them that just means that it’s not meant for me to be there and I have 15 other schools to pick from and am grateful for all my acceptances. I’m just ready to know all my decisions so I can start narrowing down my options, because people keep asking me where I’m going and I am so tired of saying idk. Yet, I’m also not trying to rush the process, because I don’t want to make the wrong decision and I will never have the opportunity to do this again, to be at this exact moment in life again, or to be this same person.

Now to go more in depth on my feelings about the rejections. I am happy that I can honestly say that I have not shed a single tear over a college rejection. Sometimes I don’t know how to feel about that, because it could mean that I am secure in myself, happy with my acceptances, and proud of myself for even having the courage to submit applications to these places. On the other hand it could mean that I didn’t put enough effort into my application, I don’t care enough about the colleges, or that I am very nonchalant. Either way it’s over and I cannot redo it so I’ll just stick with the first option to keep a positive mind, because there’s no point in overthinking about things that are already done. 

The only thing that makes me kind of sad is the thought that if I were at my old school I would have been valedictorian, class president, and probably would have gotten into some of these schools. I think the MSA classes on my transcript probably aren’t taken serious, because they aren’t academic classes. I could have been taking so many more AP and DC classes, but here I am. Colleges say they like creatives and standouts, but that is only true for art, design, music, and dance colleges. College is like monopoly or spades; it’s a gamble and only a very few win. Even those that win get screwed over sometimes, but college admissions is all a game and whoever plays it the best will get the outcome they want. 

It’s been a long wait, but it’s almost over and I am truly excited for the college experience and the ability to explore the world. Thank you for listening to my sob story. The tears flooding my keyboard have now dried!

Deciding My Major…

Hiiii, it is blog time!! We are going to be talking about my dream career today, and it is not an average career so it may be a little unconventional. However, I’m really excited to talk about it, because it’s really all I’ve been thinking about lately, so I need to get it off my mind. Okay so first off, I will be going into some form of engineering. I was tuned into computer science for a while, and I have been teaching myself how to code and it is going really good. I have been learning python and swift but those are really easy in the coding world, however JavaScript, C, C++, HTML, and SQL are where it gets tricky and it is so specific that if you are missing a comma or parentheses your entire code will not work whether it is a game, website, or whatever. It is fun to learn at my own pace and a good skill to have but it is not the major for me I do not think. So, my next choice is engineering, specifically mechanical or electrical. I have a huge interest in cars so if I want that I will do mechanical but if not electrical. Mechanical is broader so it is the basis of all its other engineering counterparts. It focuses on things that move and do not move. Some type of engineer has designed or manufactured essentially everything around you. It is based on physics, mathematics, and material science. I can go into so many fields such as automotive, aerospace, biomedical, construction manufacturing and so much more, but I would choose the automotive industry with a focus on visual and functional design, which determines how the car looks and making it easy to repair, or internal and external testing to ensure maximum performance and safety of the vehicles being produced.

 

On the other hand, if I did electrical, I would be more focused on electricity and electronics from microscopic computer components to large power networks. With this degree I can go into automation and robotics, advanced driver assistance systems, aerospace and defense systems, or computer engineering. With this degree I would prefer to still work with cars, but infotainment systems, controls, and circuitry. Either way I prefer to work with cars, but I have a wide variety of opportunities with either one of these. Also, electrical engineering is based on mathematics, physics, and telecommunications. Now let’s get into credit hours, classes, base salaries, and how my life would be set up with each. I applied to multiple tech schools like Washington State, MIT, Stanford, Michigan, all the Ivies except Dartmouth, Duke, etc. The range is 120-130 credit hours for a degree, but the classes differ immensely. Mechanical has classes such as Engineering Graphics, Calculus 1, 2, &3, Thermodynamics, Fluid Mechanics, Heat Transfer, University Physics, and so on so on. Then electrical has Modern Convex Optimization, CAD Design of Digital VLSI, Speech Technology, Advanced Optical and Optoelectronic Instruments and Devices.

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By just the titles of the classes I am sure you can see the difference, but they are both heavily influenced by math and physics and they both use CAD, which is Computer Aided Design. Now the salaries because I know this is what we’ve been waiting for. The average salary for a mechanical engineer in the auto industry is 100k give or take about 5k or so. Starting salaries are more around 75 to 80k right out of college but still great, nonetheless. Meanwhile electrical engineers in the auto industry make 80k starting salary but around 93k in other industries starting salary, but the average is about 120k. Most employers also give health insurance, a good amount of PTO, options to work remote, in office, or hybrid, and they also have travel contracts where you can work within the company at different offices around the us and maybe the world depending on how big the company is. The money is definitely an incentive, but I love understanding how things work and why, especially cars, and if I can fiddle around with them fixing problems all day big or small, I would definitely love it. I know most people dread college but I am actually really excited to go. Thanks for reading my blog and basically helping me decide my career.  

New Year, Same Me

Happy 2024! It almost doesn’t feel real that time has passed that quickly. When the school year started, of course, I knew then that I would soon be graduating. But now that it’s officially our graduation year, the reality of it all is beginning to set in more and more. It feels like time flew away before I had a chance to grab it and enjoy it. That’s partially my fault, which is why I wanna talk about a resolution I have for myself: savoring every waking moment. With it being our first post of 2024, I thought it might be an appropriate(and perhaps predictable) way to start. Now, I’ll be honest, I was not planning on making any resolution for this year because I didn’t think it mattered since I’d break it after a week. This one, however, is something I’m confident I’ll keep because it’s been on my mind for a while.

I suppose, in a roundabout way, it relates to the theme word I chose for this year, which is patience. What patience means for me, in this context, is to not rush life and not try to force things to happen too soon. Just sit back, take a deep breath, and allow things to fall into place as they are meant to. Let go of the steering wheel and enjoy the ride. I have to remind myself that if I worry too much about everything in front of me far beyond what I can see, I fail to enjoy life as it is right now. It is difficult to not worry about what’s about to happen; I’m almost an adult about to graduate high school and go into college(possibly). That impending reality almost naturally comes with a heavy worry hanging over my head; it’s kind of a package deal. Okay so, the whole idea is to not worry, be patient, and enjoy the present time. How on earth will I go about that, knowing how pessimistic I can be?

Well, I guess a good start would be to look on the bright side of literally everything. Yes, even the storm and flood warnings. There is a silver lining to everything and when I don’t immediately see it, I search for it. Okay, what could possibly be a bright side to this thunderstorm? Well, obviously not having to walk back and forth on campus in the cold rain, but maybe it provides an opportunity to enjoy the company of friends inside, read a book, watch a movie, start a new painting, apply for scholarships, etc. Hell, maybe even take a nap and let my brain refresh. I’m not gonna lie, I’ve always loved the sound of rain and thunder and always found it calming. Of course, this is simply an example of how my attitude is going to be when it comes to this new year. And, if all else fails and you literally cannot see a bright side to the darkness, light a match. Make a bright side. Yes, I am very aware of how corny that sounded. Moving on.

The point I wanted to emphasize in this blog is that I don’t feel like this is going to be my year, so I’m going to make it so. Does that sound at least slightly depressing? Maybe, but that’s okay. So, yeah, that’s my resolution for the year. I know I’m not normally this chatty in a blog post(or maybe I am), but I just wanted to have that out in the open. I hope y’all enjoyed this or got something out of this. I don’t suppose this was an expected New Year’s resolution and that wasn’t the intention because I know myself too well; if I had said something more major or dramatic, I would not follow through with it. But I hope you guys had a good New Year so far, and I will see y’all next month. Much love<3

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emo regression and recent obsessions

hello, blog. i forget u exist sometimes. i have a literary analysis of a song i like that’s been in the works since november but my focus isn’t good enough to finish that right now…. so i’m basically just going to infodump everything about my life within the past month on you. hope u enjoy that. 


sudden emo regression: i’m 13 again

i would be lying if i said i wasn’t exactly sure how it happened. since you guys never knew me in middle school, let me describe my past self to you. EMO. i was SO EMO. that probably gives you context to why i am the way i am now– im literally an evolved 2015 emo. i used to be obsessed with the “emo trinity” (my chemical romance, fall out boy, panic! at the disco). my chem was always my favorite, but i was also a pretty big panic! fan (i even saw them live in 2019 before all hell broke loose and brendon spiraled into the worst person possible). i never was too big of a fall out boy fan. i had a couple shirts and a poster (and actually so much more than that. idk why, i always liked them the least of the three) but i never really listened to them as much as my chem or panic!. well, it’s been forever since i listened to the emo music i loved as a kid. that was until i saw that the previous my digital escape member johnnie guilbert was trending on tiktok. when i was in middle school, my digital escape & our world away was two of my favorite channels to watch, along with dan & phil and crankthatfrank (so basically all emo youtubers). i thought “oh, okay. that’s cool. i haven’t seen johnnie in a while, i wonder what he’s up to now” with no knowledge that going back and watching his videos would send be straight back to my emo phase. he wasn’t the only factor in this, as i also started slowing inching towards my ryan ross phase around this time too. those two things combined and what i believe to be me attempting to relive my middle school memories before i graduate sent me straight towards an obsession with all the bands i used to love… except, some things have changed. i’ve been listening to WAY more fall out boy than i used to, and all the panic! i listen to is now pre-split or anything written by ryan ross. my chem is the only band out of the three that i haven’t gotten obsessed with again, which is insane considering it was always my fave out of the three. i’ve also gotten OBSESSED with kellin quinn & sleeping with sirens… same thing with pierce the veil. i listened to a couple of their songs when i was younger, but i’ve gone all in now. i’m absolutely in love with all of their songs combined. also, not really emo, but i’m sort of having a Tool phase too. i’ve been absolutely drowning in music and old favorite frontmen for the past month. 

final college decisions & letting go of my ego

i’ve made my final decisions & it took tons of self-reflection and deciding what was best for me. i felt like i’ve been seen as the really smart kid my entire life, and if i didn’t go to some impressive college then everyone would be disappointed in me. well, i don’t care anymore. i’m not going into debt for the first two years of my college life when i can easily go completely for free & live back at home (i’m tired of sharing things with people). i’ve decided i’m going to go to holmes community college in ridgeland and commute from my home every day. i’m also going to get a job and work at the same time so i can have some money saved up for when i transfer, because that is most likely when i’ll be moving out of home. i’m working on getting my license right now and looking at possible jobs. coming to this college conclusion has completely taken away my anxieties about college and has made me excited to go. i’m so easy to please that the idea of just getting to listen to music on the way to class in my own car makes me happy. 

so many concerts- so little money

guys, going into the new year i remembering telling myself i would go to more concerts this year…. i didn’t expect every artist i love to go on tour all at once. i mean, green day & smashing pumpkins, pixies & modest mouse, BOB DYLAN, and Tool??? i do NOT have the money in my bank account for this. it all started off when i saw green day & smashing pumpkins going on tour together & asked my best friend if he wanted to go with me to see them. we made plans and decided on it and i worked on getting the money for tickets and finding an airbnb… then the pixies and modest mouse announced THEIR tour… and then BOB DYLAN…… and now as we are both going through a Tool phase, we find out Tool is playing in biloxi THIS WEEKEND. how am i supposed to live like this guys. i want to see every concert ever.

ready to graduate & get out of here

i’m sure you all can agree with me here. i am so ready to graduate and GET OUTTA HERE. i miss all my friends from last year SO MUCH and i cannot wait to be able to get to hang out with them over the summer (if my job lets me). i am excited for college and feeling like an adult and just…. everything man. i’m so excited for my own income and getting to spend my own money on what i want (every pierce the veil shirt that has ever existed). i’m excited for concerts and making memories with friends and hopefully meeting new people that will stay in my life!!! i cannot wait for the friendships and relationships that i’ll find myself in within these next couple years. i’m not ready for life after college just yet, but as of right now, i’m starting to warm up to the idea of change.


so yeah! just a yapping blog today. i’ve been wanting to talk a lot recently so i guess this was my chance to get it all out. love u all, read u next time.

My thoughts on the new Five Nights at Fredy’s movie

Heyyy everyone. I could not let this topic go untouched. I’m kind of late doing this but I figured why not do it anyway. I wanted to give my honest insight on the new FNaF movie. It became very controversial among the fanbase because half of them hate it and half love it. So, I’m adding my own two cents. 

Casting

This is the one thing I feel they did great on. I absolutely loved Matthew Lillard being casted as Afton, and Josh Hutcherson as Mike. Elizabeth Lail was also a nice pick for Vanessa. I also enjoyed how they included fan favorite YouTubers in the film as backing characters. People loved seeing MatPat and CoreyxKenshin in the movie. 

Characters

There was only one character in the film that was somewhat accurate to the lore and played well, Afton. I enjoyed Afton and his part in the film and I thought it was decently accurate (50%) compared to the others who aren’t accurate at all. I did not enjoy Mike or Abby very much. Mike was 100% not accurate and Abby did not even exist. Vanessa is one of my favorite characters in the books and games but in this movie they changed her so much it did not even feel like Vanessa anymore. I thought the animatronics were alright. The movie decided to take a different perspective on the animatronics that I would still consider decently accurate. They head first dived into the fact that the animatronics were haunted by children, which is true, and the movie decided to really embrace that aspect of the lore. Mike, Abby, and Vanessa end up drawing and building forts with the animatronics as well as making friends with them in general. Embracing the robots “inner child.” It shows how much the children were manipulated and I cannot say I enjoyed this but I won’t bash them for taking that route as it was a PG-13 movie.

Plot

The plot line for this movie was my least favorite portion. It was very inaccurate to the lore but that is my last concern. I understand that I am watching this movie from a different perspective. I know the lore and I have been in this fandom for a few years. Naturally, I did not enjoy the movies plot. I would have loved to see an R rated film, accurate plot, gore, and the whole nine yards. Instead we got a kid friendly spin off. If you were someone seeing this movie unaware of any of the lore, I could understand why you enjoyed the movie. Typically, those people were the ones enjoying this film while the lovers of lore were on the outside side eyeing it. I just would have loved to see something a lot more similar to the games. The movie shares almost nothing in common with the games besides the animatronics, they looked wonderful. I also understand that the lore is NOT set in stone. Almost all lore is what the fan base put together after studying the games and books. Some has been confirmed but not all, so who knows if the lore is what Scott Cawthon actually wanted it to be. To me, the best part of this movie was the end credits. Thank you.

mckamey manor and reckless ben’s exposé

as the days go by and we get closer and closer to halloween, more and more haunted houses are popping up all over the country. people line up for miles just to get scared and experience the thrill of total simulated terror- to appreciate the art of the scare… or, if you’re russ mckamey: the art of torture.


mckamey manor: “you really don’t want to do this”

mckamey manor is a haunted house created and founded in 2001 by house owner russ mckamey. it is marketed as the “scariest haunted house in the world” and is regarded as an experience only the toughest and fittest can go through with. the house claims to have a waitlist over 24,000 people, with citizens from all over the country flooding to tennessee just to go through the haunted house. the house is year long, and you have to sign a waiver stating that you give russ mckamey and his scare actors permission to subject you to physical and psychological torture for hours on end. for such a renowned and extreme haunted house, you would think there would be a heavy price to pay at the gate, right? well, you’d be wrong. all russ asks for in return in two bags of dog food… and a big chunk of your mental and physical health, of course. in return for making through the house, you receive $20,000. as suspected, no one has ever actually made it through the house… supposedly. 

reckless ben: a new-generation investigative journalist

reckless ben is a youtuber i found randomly one day that has completely changed my perspective on how we track investigations in the journalism community. his content is crazy entertaining and is so daring and real that some days i even fear for the guy’s safety. reckless ben is no newbie to risk, as some of his most popular series on youtube include him infiltrating the yellow deli cult and even scientology. he also holds the world record for the closest someone has gotten to the bohemian grove cult after the security increase following alex jones’ infiltration. pretty cool guy, right? well, three months, he decided to start a series on mckamey manor. he and his close friend signed up for the tour and quickly discovered that both were not able to get to the actual haunted house. not because they gave up, but, get this, because there is no haunted house. neither ben nor his friend ever said the safe word (which, by the way, wasn’t even allowed until a couple years ago) but russ both deemed them “too hurt to continue.” what really happened was ben was forced to do petty-exercises outside and then when he asked to go to the haunted house, russ brushed it off and eventually refused to allow him into the house. ben was promised to be covered in rats and snakes, go through an underwater maze, and so much more, but was never even able to enter the house. doesn’t that raise some questions?

what ben has proposed so far regarding the manor

while i can’t retell every little thing ben has uncovered in his investigation, i can tell you about some of the main points. as you may have guessed, the haunted house actually doesn’t exist. the terrifying, thrilling, snake-ridden underwater maze haunted house actually doesn’t exist. not surprising. this point was proved when ben got in contact with an infamous mckamey manor hate group online. russ begged ben to help shut down the group, and so he did, but the group had one thing they wanted to see before they quieted down for good. all they wanted was to have russ show them at least one live animal that he keeps in the haunted house. this could include rats, snakes, or any large collection of bugs. after desperately wanting this group to be taken down, russ heard this one final term and chose not to show any animals DESPITE wanting the group to be taken down, effectively telling us that there were no animals in the house because the haunted house never existed at all. so what actually happens in the house if there is no haunted house? well, russ pretty much just makes you do rigorous exercises or he’ll beat you up as much as he can, making you “unable” to go through the house. also, you probably already guessed that the cash prize at the end is 100% fake, too. when you enter the house, you have absolutely no chance of getting the grand prize and making it through… not because the house is too hard to get through, but because it doesn’t even exist and russ would never let you win. if anything, you might go home in an ambulance instead.

reckless ben’s mckamey manor series and why you should watch it

what else good do you have to do with your time? this series is so interesting and is an excellent showcase of the new generation of investigative journalists. reckless ben has infiltrated so many different organizations so many times and the bravery he has is absolutely incredible. mckamey manor has been under the spotlight for many many years, and while so many people have suspected it of wrongdoing, ben has been one of the only ones who has had the courage to attack it head on and attempt to get it shut down. whether not you believe mckamey manor is an extreme haunted house or a man’s excuse to torture people legally, the infiltrating mckamey manor series is one of the most fulfilling you can find on the youtube platform (of course, many of the videos are being taken down as ben himself is getting sued by mckamey manor, lol). oh yeah, did i mention that ben managed to actually file paperwork that says he is the true owner of mckamey manor? despite what you may think, everything he did was legal- just absolutely crazy. if you’re interested in a skinny guy with the guts and audacity of a soldier do absolutely insane things (legally) to take down unfair corporations, cults, or scams… then reckless ben on youtube is for you!


here is a link to the playlist of the series (the video linked down below is the latest of the series, but it allows you to see the previous ones in the playlist). please let me know if you end up watching it, i’m a huge fan of him and all his videos ! well, that’s all from me. see you next month, scare fans.

American Cryptids: The Lizard Man and The Dover Demon

The Lizard Man of Scape Ore Swamp is one of the lesser-known cryptids in American folklore, yet it has captured the imagination of cryptozoology enthusiasts and curious locals in South Carolina. This creature is said to inhabit the swamps and woods around Lee County, primarily in and around Scape Ore Swamp. This area is located near Bishopville. The legend of the lizard man dates back to the late 1980’s. The Lizard Man is often described as a reptilian humanoid. He is said to be around seven feet tall. He has scaly, green skin, three toes on his feet, and three fingers. People claim it has glowing red or orange eyes and sharp teeth as well. Some people mention it having a tail. The legend of the Lizard Man has become an integral part of local folklore in Bishopville and the surrounding area. It has inspired books, documentaries, and even a local festival called “Lizard Man Festival.” This event attracts enthusiasts and curious visitors looking to learn more about this cryptid.

The first notable sighting of the Lizard Man occurred in the summer of 1988. A local teenager named Christopher Davis claimed to have been attacked by a creature matching the description of the lizard man while changing a flat tire near Scape Ore Swamp. Davis reported that the creature damaged his car and left scratch marks on the vehicle. His account, accompanied by photographs of the damaged car, gained widespread attention. Following Christopher Davis’s report, numerous other witnesses came forward with their own stories of encounters with this creature. Some claimed to have seen the lizard man in or near the swamp, while others reported damage to their vehicles or property, similar to Christopher’s experience. Skeptics have given various explanations to everyone’s encounters saying witnesses may have seen misidentified animals or were influenced by the media attention generated by Christopher Davis’s encounter. However, believers in the Lizard Man’s existence point to the consistency of eyewitness accounts and the relatively remote location of the swamp, making it less likely for hoaxes to persist.

 

The Dover Demon

               The Dover Demon in an American cryptid that came around in the 1970’s. It is associated with a series of sightings in the town Dover, Massachusetts in the course of 2 nights in April of 1977. The Dover Demon is described as small and humanoid. It stands around 3-4 feet tall, thin limbs, and hairless. It has peach-colored, pinkish-grey skin. It is described as having large, glowing, orange eyes, a melon-shaped head, and long fingers. The Dover demon remains a legacy in American folklore and cryptozoology. Although the sightings in Dover are isolated to a few nights in 1977 we can talk about that.

               The first reported sighting of the Dover Demon was on the night of April 21, 197. Three teenagers, Bill Barlett, Mike Mazzocca, and Andy Brodie, claimed to have an encounter with this creature while driving in separate vehicles. They gave a description matching the one above saying it was walking along a stone wall. The nights after these many other sightings were reported by different witnesses. There were no documented photos, but the sightings became a local interest. Some believe it as a teenage lie for attention, others say it was a moose or fawn.