Content warning: loss of a loved one and heavy emotions.
It’s been four weeks since I received the worst news of my life. That’s a month since my great aunt passed away. It’s still a soft subject for me, I don’t know why I talk about it this much. I’m constantly upset because I’m thinking about her, and then I do things that make me think about her even more.
My life was nearly perfect before. I was attending my dream highschool, making new friends, finding out about myself and my personality. I was even losing weight and my acne was clearing up. I was the happiest I had ever been in my entire life. Then, my only mother figure was ripped away from me.
It was all so sudden. She was 84 and I understand that, but she was so healthy. She did everything she could to make sure of it. To most people, she looked nowhere near her actual age. I had seen her a day prior to her death and everything was perfect. It was Sunday and we went to church together, like we always did. We didn’t do much that day, just enjoyed each other’s company. I wouldn’t have had it any other way.
During the first week, my mind was quiet while my heart felt like it had been physically pulled out and ripped apart. If I wasn’t crying, I was asleep and if I wasn’t asleep, I was crying. It was a vicious cycle that I’m glad I was able to get out of. I was waiting to come back to MSA, I knew I would be happier there. I hate that quiet, empty house where everything reminds me of her, but I love my dad and my dog with all my heart and I’d do anything for them.
“It’ll get better” is something that I used to tell myself all the time. A few years ago, I hit rock bottom. I lost a lot of my friends, failed half of my classes, and hated everything. I promised myself that things would be better and, with time, they did. I found new friends that showed me real friendship and love, my grades excelled, and (for the first time) I loved myself. After a year, I hit rock bottom again. I lost some friends and got caught in highschool drama and I was miserable. This time was different, though. I remembered how I pulled myself up out of the lowest point in my life and I didn’t have to promise myself anything anymore because I knew it would get better. And it did. I came to MSA and I was happier than ever for just 2 weeks.
I keep telling myself that it’ll get better. When I think it does, it all comes crashing down again. The first week back at MSA was great and I thought things were looking up. Then the second week was just awful. The third week started to look better, and now, I’m back in the dumps.
An entire month has passed and I don’t know how to feel. I’ll be completely honest, I’ve never been more disappointed in myself. History is repeating. I think I’ve already lost a few friends, I feel like my grades are dropping, and I don’t feel the same love I had for myself anymore. I tell myself it’ll get better, I know it’ll get better, but right now, it’s so hard to believe.
When I came back to MSA, I was swarmed with love and support and I couldn’t be more grateful. My friends helped me stay distracted from the heavy feelings and my teachers gave me grace while I struggled with motivation and fought to stay focused during class. Dr. Blauw helped in so many different ways, I can’t thank her enough. With this amount of love around me, I’m hopeful for the future and thankful for everyone in my life. This wound will heal with time and I know it’ll get better.
This was beautifully written and please just remember even if you feel you have less value you most definitely are wrong. You are loved and me and all your other friends cherish you so so much! You are a ray of sunshine in our days I am a naturally grumpy person and just being around you lights up my day and so many others!
Thank you, that means so much to me.
So proud of you Steph. I admire your spirit and love for those around you so much. You intertwine it with your writing in such an inspiring way.
Thank you so much!
Grief is never a linear process. Your ups and downs are entirely valid. Don’t forget that while you might not feel your best, its absolutely okay to feel how you do.
Thank you, that’s very reassuring.
i struggle with explaining what i mean when typing, so sorry if this makes no sense whatsoever- you are such a strong person and i’m so honored to call you my friend. i’ve been through my own plethora of experiences where i have to repeat the “it gets better” matra or i’ll loose my mind. no matter how many times i’m able to get back up, i still feel like each new hardship is going to be the end of my life. it’s truly amazing to see someone else verbalize how i have felt so beautifully. while i know i could never understand exactly how you feel and have felt, i can relate to the best of my ability. in the few weeks i’ve known you, you have made more people smile that i can count, you’ve been a source of comfort and comedy, and you continue to be a genuine and kind person. i hope that no matter how many times you hear yourself saying/being told “it gets better”, you know you always have a support system who will drop everything to pull you back up. love you steph!!
Thank you so much, that was so sweet. Love you too!