Blog From A Darker Timeline: 1

(Disclaimer: This is satire)

Today is a tragic day in our history. President John Mulaney has been pronounced dead. He was assassinated by a member of a dangerous terrorist organization known as “The Dream SMP.” The member, a well known pro-digitalization activist known as Ranboo, was arrested around noon. However, the organizations kingpin known as Jschlatt is still out there. These are truly dark times, as the digitalization movement is on the rise.

Vice President Rick Astley was sworn in earlier this morning as the new President of the United States of Utah. The people can expect to see a major change in the running of this country. Some have even speculated that this would be the third “Reign of Terror,” the second being the month-long presidency of Elon Musk. We can only hope that Astley does not have the same pro-digitalization ideals that Musk did.

In other news, Queen Elizabeth has finally reached her 1008th birthday, or at least what we believe to be. Tensions between Spance and Germoslovakiany are on the rise. The world may be heading into a catastrophic war the likes of which we’ve never seen before.

Everest Valley was flooded due to intense rainfall in the area, experts are considering renaming it to Everest Lake. However, the locals of the area are strongly against this, one citizen, who preferred to be unnamed, stated “Everest Lake? What kind of ridiculous name is that? Almost as ridiculous as Everest Valley being a mountain! Mount Everest? Absolutely absurd.” 

Music fans are screaming as K-pop sensation Lil Nas X is sued by Heavy metal band The Beatles for plagiarising the lyrics from their song Sweet Caroline. However, some good news has been recently found. Opera-country fusion band BTS has released their new album Montero.

That’s all for this time, folks. This afternoon, due to the unfortunate demise of President Mulaney, there will be two required UwU’s and four OwO’s. Be sure to keep your IKEA vests on at all times, and have a fantastic day! 

Author: Matthew McLain

Woah. You're actually reading this? That's wild. Why?

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