2019 (R.I.P.)

I can definitely say that this year did not disappoint.

But, good riddance.

I will not miss you too much (oops).

read at your own risk

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January:

When midnight hit and the year began, I was watching a documentary about abandoned places with my mom. Looking back, I am glad my year began this way. A lot has changed, but she has remained a constant influence in my life. (If you are reading, hello 🙂

A math teacher that I had, that semester, encouraged us to pick a word for 2019, and mine was growth. I like this idea quite a bit because it kept things in perspective. And, now, looking back, I can say that I have grown quite a bit. So January stood as the beginning of this growth.

Although I will not disclose her name, I had a friend that brightened this winter month. I would like to thank her for being a spring of sorts.

I would also like to thank the other people that accompanied me this semester. A, I have vivid memories of waiting at the microwave with you, and I have memories of you judging my love for “ahvocados” (I also remember us during math, haha). B, I remember our conversations during the last class when we moved our desks together, and I remember how you were the first person to welcome me at this school. K, thank you for listening to me during lunch, and I appreciate your interesting conversations and bright mind. G, I remember history and our snatched bits of conversation. S, thank you for seeing me every morning and offering me food during first block (I remember the Reese’s, and I remember the soda you drank with a sour straw); I appreciate you letting me trail aimlessly behind you, also.

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February:

MSA kind of had a hold on everything. My mind could only consider the application and the audition and my portfolio. And, for an understandable reason, I became increasingly infatuated with the idea of leaving. I began to write almost all the time, and I gave myself a bunch of writing prompts when I should have been focusing on bellwork. But, yes, I did not want to stay at my old school, and I often escaped into an imagined world of what I hoped to be the future.

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March:

MSA! Yeah, that is my first thought. At this time, during the year, all I could focus on was MSA. I honestly did not believe that I would get in, and I remember feeling extremely bitter about staying at my old school. When the letters went out, mine seemed to take forever to arrive. I remember receiving it in the mail and wanting to open it alone, in my room, because I did not want to see everyone’s disappointed faces. But I got a “congratulations!” instead, and I instantly felt awesome. I held that letter for a long time, and every time I stared at it, I felt so much hope and happiness. My overall mood changed drastically.

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April:

I can not remember April at all, with the exception of a few elements. For starters, a challenge presented itself: When and how would I announce that I was leaving? Characteristic of my personality, I decided to put that off for quite some time.

I wrote a lot of poetry during this month. And from what I can gather from their remains, everything felt kind of saturated (but in a bittersweet way). People caused me a lot of grief, but I did not want to escape them completely.

Also, during this time, school ate a lot of my time, especially history.

Thinking about MSA also ate a lot of my time.

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May:

I kind of liked this month. It served as a fitting conclusion.

I went to New Student Day for MSA, and I felt thrilled yet terrified. So much happened, there were so many unfamiliar people, and I could tell that next year would prove a challenge like no other. But I had so much hope, and I felt so happy that I was leaving.

I finally announced (to the few people I talked to) that I was leaving, and I got mixed responses. I knew that I would miss them, but I also knew that we were not “best friends”, necessarily. By that, I mean that they would move on, and I probably would too. But I appreciate the time spent with them. I appreciate the final hugs and good byes. And I even appreciate the negative responses I met—being ignored and forgotten and dismissed. I appreciate everything that came from them; they colored my year, truly.

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June & July:

I feel like grouping them together. They are the summer months, after all.

So, first of all, I was so bored. I think that had to do with MSA. For some reason—although I did not consider it a heaven on earth—MSA seemed like some kind of savior for me. So I wrote letters to myself and mentally prepared my brain for the upcoming two-year journey I was about to have.

I wasted a lot of time, but I also tried my best to spend my summer wisely. I got into painting and writing more. For instance, I gave myself a prompt everyday (everyday), and I nearly filled up a notebook. I learned a lot during this small amount of time.

Later, I began preparing for MSA by buying supplies and such. Then, the moment of truth, dun dun dun…

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August:

This month had a lot of different colors and textures. I was ready to embrace any difficulty the month threw at me, but a lot of growing pains existed, at first. I was so, so happy, and I had a lot of hope. Possibility seemed to glimmer everywhere, and I found that particularly exciting. But the move, for me personally, presented quite a few challenges. I had to learn how to live in a dorm with a roommate, and I had to deal with my unfamiliar environment. But my discipline helped a lot, and I automatically had people to sit with at times.

The first week seemed to last forever, so coming home felt like the best thing ever. I did have a lot of orange days, however, to give that week some credit.

But, overall, August served as an interesting chapter. I had a lot of stress, confusion, and apprehension. This month was mainly me learning how to exist in this place (and learning how to talk, also, haha).

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September:

My year became a lot more orange with this month. I finally learned that I could go outside (gasp…for some reason, I was afraid to do this before). I gained better time management skills, and the stress became a lot more manageable. And I fell back in love with reading and writing!

My roommate left during this month, but living alone turned out to be awesome. I decorated my room more, also. I started a plant family, and now I have leaves everywhere. I have no idea why.

I talked more, hooray. I shed my title as the Antisocial Moth (aka Prickly Cactus, aka Just Callie), and I experienced a lot of healthier growth.

I spent less time being isolated with homework, and I made my first friends outside of the literary department. That helped a lot. The majority of my old friends grew distant.

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October:

Artoberfest and Halloween flew by way too fast, but I enjoyed them a lot. I was not originally planning on being apart of any of it, but I ended up having a lot of fun (ex: drawing on walls with chalk and cutting up toys).

I also loved the arrival of fall. The trees here, at MSA, are so beautiful during this season. I enjoyed the colder weather, and I began to enjoy walking outside and watching the clouds.

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November:

This month passed by so fast. The weather became colder, but I became happier. I gained a lot of gratitude, and my days steadily gathered more meaning. I spent a lot of time on self-reflection, and I discovered constants of my personality that had survived all of the change. I learned more about my personal philosophies, and I grew more optimistic and peaceful.

A lot of  compliments helped me appreciate myself and my work, so I am exceedingly grateful for the people that expended them.

This month was all about really sinking into this place and growing. I grew as a writer, a family member, a friend, and a person.

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December:

My December addition to my summarized month series is yet to arrive, but, yes…bam; what’s up? Just kidding.

I am only about halfway through this month, but it has surprised me. Besides stress and some disappointing features of random days, this has been the best month by far, I think. I have had so many orange and yellow days, and I have only had one blue day (which probably resulted entirely from the ACT…reasonably so). I understand a lot more. I understand who I am at my core; I understand who I am as an artist; I understand what I want in life.

Although perseverance proves as no easy feat, part of growth is resisting the temptation to sink into apathy. And by persevering, my life has changed for the better. Now, I will say that I falter every once in awhile, but I am trying. The results do not stir regret in me, either.

So far, this has been a lovely December. I still enjoy writing, nature, and coffee, and I have so much appreciation for the people here. Nowhere else have I met so much warmth and positivity. Already, I have gotten at least five presents. Thank you guys so much, gah! I have a lot of gratitude and good feelings in general, and I am (almost) at peace with myself and the world.

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Overall, I would say that I experienced a tremendous amount of growth. At the beginning of 2019, I woke up irritated almost every morning. But now I “jazz hands” my way through, and I have even begun to tell people good morning, which is weird. I have found a nice environment to grow in, and I appreciate it a lot. The negative bits will always exist, but I try my best to face them with more opposition rather than sinking into them. I have learned a lot, and I am not afraid to face the upcoming year. I just have to find my next word…

The people I am thankful for:

Everyone I mentioned in my January section.

My teachers (:

The seniors 🙂

The literaries: Thank you for accepting me and always providing good feedback for my pieces. And thank you, all of you, for being yourselves.

E: Thanks for being literally the best person to share a bathroom with. Thank you for keeping me from oversleeping too much, and thank you for dealing with my random talking. I also appreciate our spontaneous conversations in the bathroom, and I hope next semester is a great one.

J: Thank you for eating millions of tacos and watching movies with me late into the night. Thank you for listening to me rant everyday for hours. Thank you for accepting me even despite my flaws, and thank you for being my friend through the years. (I love you more than Sunflower 🙂 I could type an entire essay about you, but…I will just talk to you in person.

S: Yes, you. You probably have no clue that I mean you. Thank you for driving hours for me; I really appreciate it. Thank you for letting me listen to 33, and thank you for trying to adopt more of a creative lifestyle. I enjoy the fast food and the cooking shows.

A: Thanks for listening to my very, very random rants. Thanks for the compliments and the kind words, and thank you for making me laugh. Also, thanks for accepting my terrible song recommendations and for accepting my manic moods (even the dancing ones).

H: Thank you for being caring and understanding, and thank you, also, for the meaningful conversations. You were the first person here that I talked to, and I still appreciate you. Thank you for procrastinating with me (although you are much more organized), and thank you for saying good morning back. I appreciate the peace signs and the “I am here for you”s as well.

K: Thank you for your advice and all of your general help. Thank you for sitting outside with me at the beginning, and thank you for suffering with me during fifth block. You are literally the “king of kool” (sorry, I had to). Thank you for the conversations that randomly progressed into hour-long rants and whatnot.

M: Thanks for the laughs and the loud music (“I can hear the music bouncing off someone’s eardrums”).

S: Thanks for being so nice. I appreciate the compliments and your personality in general. Thank you, also, for being such a model.

B: Thank you for gracing my eyes with yellow everyday. I also appreciate your interesting personality and your humor.

M: You are literally the sweetest person ever. I admire your relentless optimism, and I will actually let you hug me (which is a compliment). You put so much effort into everything you do, and you bring a lot of joy to the day. Thank you for being so personable and warm.

B: I can not fit everything into one small paragraph, but thank you for everything. Thank you for being the person that you are. I appreciate the laughs and thoughtful silence, and I appreciate the times spent tripping over concrete stairs and dodging tree limbs. Thank you for talking to me over fries that taste like sadness, and thank you for sharing a good portion of your time with me. I love listening to every idea, every thought, every creation. And I appreciate every bit of effort. Thanks for sharing your colorful personality and helping me appreciate life more.

E: You are, by far, one of the most interesting characters that I have ever met. I appreciate you so, so much. Thank you for being so relatable even though we are different. I love talking to you for hours even if it make me crash (but my mood is bettered, so that is what matters). You have such an amazing energy, and a smile scatters across my face when I see you. Thank you for your help, compliments, time, energy, etc. I appreciate you so much, and I am glad that I got to know you. I appreciate all dimensions of your personality, and I hope you continue to be a beautiful individual.

Mozart: Okay, I thought this was more fitting. Thank you for Thursday nights and some lunches, and thank you for becoming an unexpected friend. I enjoyed bonding with you during our time spent in Cooper, terrorizing stuffed animals. Thank you for making me laugh a lot, and thank you for all of your conversations. You are a really colorful and multi-dimensional character (and a prodigy, haha).

All in all, thank you guys for surviving this journey of a post. How was your 2019? Do you ever assign an upcoming year a “focus word?” Anyway, I believe that I have typed way too much…

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Wednesday’s Fun Fact:

A little bit of yellow encourages feelings related to happiness, but too much may result in feelings related to stress. Think about it (ex: road signs, caution tape, etc.)

Have a nice Christmas…

Happy holidays…

Happy break, you guys.

Peace out, dudes.