I turned fifteen eighteen years ago today. I forgot to call the cops about the horse that stood on my birthday cake. My sister burst a pinata with the tip of her nose and my brother pooped in a spoon and gave it to my dog to bury.
Next was the sack race. I ate popcorn and elephants prior and it didn’t sit in my stomach so well. I sack raced into the grand canyon but before I fell too far my mom caught me with her one arm that grew several feet longer than the other. My dog then dropped the spoon full of poop.
I rubbed myself down with sandpaper until I bled pink bubble gum. I taste tested it and sure enough it tasted like the whale I had swallowed whole only seconds before my tenth birthday. Under my tongue there’s a marble made from a cats puked up hairball.
My dog built my whole house the day he miraculously grew thumbs, which is a miracle, considering my family lived on the streets as jugglers. My dad ate my homework after he scooped up the guts that fell from my pinata. When I told my teacher she laughed and said “oh, happens all the time!!”
That year I wanted to be a pirate. I stole one from the sea and shoved him up my shirt. It was needed to protect him from the sand (he had a bad allergy)
I pulled a snail from behind my ear. He told me I really needed to bathe. I nodded and handed him to my dog to use as a shingle for the roof. Next day, I cried into a lamp post until the light bulbs kicked me and told me I cried too loud.
My sister never wanted to leave her home inside of a dead buffalo, however the swelling of the bloated skin and decay caused flies to claim the house for their own. She let them keep the couch.
I kissed a roach on the mouth and he told me I was much better at it than his wife. My dad told me it was time to throw away the guts he had scooped from the pinata; it was making the roaches eat the ants.
When the bees ate my dog I cried. The poor thing was horribly allergic, but married that stupid insect anyways. I stomped on her at his funeral. I pray the police don’t find me.
It was a very interesting birthday.
I know you are thinking
what
was
that
and that is good because that is exactly the point. For my last blog post, I wanted to try something very out of the ordinary. This is a prose piece. You are welcome to interpret it anyway you want, but to me I think it outlines the ridiculousness and randomness of life. The whole thing can seem to be a lie sometimes, but you have to face it anyways.
We love a prose queen. I’m proud of you Chole. Here’s to next year. See you then.
This is the greatest thing I’ve read all day. Thank you. Lol
this is very meaningful.