no morals for an empath

if i had a dollar for every time i’ve heard a student here utter the words, “did someone say draco malfoy?” i wouldn’t even bother applying for scholarships. i kept telling myself it was just a meme, but my strong intuition pushed me to seek other answers. i procrastinated searching for aforementioned answers, but found them anyways – in a call with a long distance friend.

hunter and i talked for three hours, just catching up to see what each other was up to. the guy who introduced us is a mutual friend, and not always… the most pleasant of characters to work with. while being loyal and kind, he has his flaws as everyone does, like being standoffish and generally intimidating. i digress.

the most clarity came from our talks of toxicity in real life (our mutual friend) and how that applies to written characters, giving them a certain type of depth that you can’t find with a flawless character. you can’t empathize with someone who doesn’t have problems, and you can’t justify impulsive decisions if everything someone does is closely calculated.

someone is more likely to empathize with a character they know as broken – the heartbreaker who didn’t receive love from his mother, the manipulator who was abandoned her entire life, or the pessimist who has never had anyone to rely on to take care of them. these things may not be directly outlined, but they’re important parts of a character’s development to enrich a story.

characters are people, and they have a purpose, just as we do. flaws and all.

A Gay Blog

I am a gay male. If you have seen me or my mannerisms and style you should have probably gotten an idea by now. At this point, it is basically common knowledge.  I mean, sis- come on. I was writing my blog to express how it is, and what it is like for those of you who don’t have the gay best friend or are gay and know already.

Being gay is fun, confusing, and a little daring. The fun part comes in with our culture. Our activities of leisure and pleasure just far surpass the straights. We enjoy more wild adventures at our “place of meeting.” Lots of disco balls, LED lights flashing, and dancing with fellow creatures of the night. Whereas, a straight “place of meeting” there will mostly be high top tables, ESPN on the television, and a pool table. Which sounds like a better time to you?

 Oh boy.

Confusing. We do not always get the pass or privilege to publicly show who we like. A lot of places still do not accept “the Gays” as morally, or even legally, correct. I get it. We can be intimidating and sometimes a little loud, but at the same time we can make your fashion and interior design fabulous! This idea of being an outlier to society can begin to fester many negative related emotions about our selves. Many gays struggle with even internalized homophobia. This is where we may not like people who are “too gay” or constantly ask if our own actions as a gay person are “too gay.” It is a wicked battle that can sometimes lead to even more wicked coping mechanisms. 

The community can be toxic within itself due to the varying types of gays. Just a few are the athletics, theatre, femme, drag queens, closeted, baby gay, etc. The community will categorize into different stereotypes, and then hold stigmas or prejudice against one another. We do not stop there though Mary. No mam’. Then we categorize due to body types. You have your otters, twinks, bears, cubs, foxes, and jocks. These have entire meanings as well, and can usually be forcing on a gay to try and fit into one they deem supreme. Confusion, again. This is all one big mess that can be overwhelming if you do not have a good support system. 

Daring. This is one of the most tricky parts in my opinion. Straights are sometimes hard to identify. Especially now that our society is progressing towards a more open view and ” masculine and feminine” things. Thankfully, the lines are being blurred. The daring aspect comes in when you have to muster up the courage to ask someone if they want to be romantically involved in you. Half the time, they will be straight or still closeted, or even still have a wife. It can be such a letdown, especially how the person who a gay is asking reacts to it. That is hard for any sexuality though. Who wants to be rejected? Luckily, a good gay who has learned to heighten their senses and master their gaydar can notice the one gay in a room of 100. It is quite the feat that many do not accomplish fully until later years. Although, sometimes it can be a helpful means to survival and finding where the gays are, so a gay knows they’re safe. 

This is only the tip of the iceberg with gay culture and subcultures. There is so much to it that would take an entire book probably to explain. Gays are if nothing else, a lot. I can say that cause I’m gay though. 

If you or someone you know has “the gay,” then please be kind to them and try and be understanding/empathetic of what they may be facing. Thank you. 🙂

Pokemon Sword Review

In this blog post, I will be reviewing the Nintendo game Pokemon Sword.

This new region of Galar was very controversial; however, I think the game was very well done.  The main issue people had was there not being a national dex of all the Pokemon, but with close to 1,000 monsters and growing I think it is very reasonable to leave out some that do not really fit the region.  Especially since some more ‘mons were added into the game in the DLC’s that unlocked new parts of the region.  Another issue with the dex is they had all the Pokemon appear in the wild and be able to see all of them fully animated, and cutting a few out defiantly cut the time it would take and possible lag of the over world being quite literally overrun with creatures.  There is actually a very logical reason for this to happen now.  With the introduction of Pokemon Let’s Go! Pikachu and Eevee on the switch (and possibly Sun and Moon, I am unaware because I never got a chance to explore these regions as I did not have the 3DS) the creatures appeared as animated 3D models.  With only the few 151 Kanto Pokemon (and even less that appear in the wild) this feature would have been no problem to pull off by the Gamefreak team; however, when that number gets multiplied by 10, you not only run into workload problems but also potential bugs and glitches that this would lead to, so it only made sense that at some point they would decide to limit the number of ‘mons in one place at one time.  

Of course, my opinion on Galar might be a bit biased as It was my first normal Pokemon game since Let’s GO! Eevee was a bit different than how Pokemon games usually work.  Then again I am here to express my opinions, and they are mostly positive, but I will try to be as honest as I can.  For one thing, I loved the story, it was very immersive and never left me bored.  I also really liked Hop’s story arch as it was relatable to be the overlooked little sibling.  The gym leaders where all full of personality and you could really tell what they were all about.  While Marnie was not the most challenging Rival, I really liked her design; however, Team Yell was a bit dumb in my opinion, and really did not pose much of a threat. It did add a bit of depth to the fact many people wanted Marnie to win and would do whatever they could to ensure her victory.  It has been a while since I played the main story, but I think Marnie also gets stronger as the game progresses.  Although I think I managed to have an undefeated run of the main story arch, I still did not feel I was being babied to get to win.  Especially the later battles in the game, they kept me on the edge of my seat, which is exactly what I like to see from this kind of game.

On another note, the music in this game was incredible!  It really added the feeling of being in a battle in a coliseum (or maybe not in Pieres’ case, sorry Pieres.)  It just really added to the emersion of the game and made the right emotions all tie together correctly.  Also on Bede’s note, I thought he was a girl a good way into the game, and apparently, other people had this same confusion, so maybe that could be cleared up a little bit better, or maybe Beder- I’m sorry. 

This is getting kind of long so I will continue my review in next week’s blog… 

You’re Not A Monster

       Hey Babygirl,

It’s ok

You’re not a monster

 

They’re wrong about you

You’re not a demon

 

You have reasons for 

Behaving like this

 

You were sweet and naive and innocent

And that wasn’t good enough for them

 

So they chewed you up and spit you out

 

They created that nasty version of that sweet girl you are

 

And now they’re afraid of you

 

It’s alright

It’s ok

 

You won’t always be this broken forever

 

And until you are better,

I will be there for you everyday

 

To hug you

To kiss your head when you cry

To tell you that you’re not a monster

You’re just a sad blue little girl

 

Who was thrown to the wolves 

As a baby

Grew up there

And survived

You are striving to do the best you can

 

And I’m so proud of you

 

Love,

Mami

What Do I Want to Do With My Life?

“So, what do you want to do with your life?”

It’s a question that’s haunted me for many, many years now. Always in the back of my mind and scooping at my brain matter with knives and spoons. It devoured my mental health daily with a resounding burp. It was scary not knowing what I wanted to do with my life, and I really had no idea. 

For a while, I was determined on going into criminal justice or the behavioral analysis unit of the FBI, but I eventually realized it wasn’t for me. Researcher, lawyer, psychiatrist, screenwriter— they all passed through my mind, and for a decent amount of time, too. Every few months I felt like I knew exactly what I wanted, but now I think I really do.

Every person who’s been through even a bit of high school has that one teacher or faculty member who made things bearable for them. In between long, boring classes filled with subtle bullying and busy work, there was one teacher that always knew how to engage the class and make people excited to come—someone who was always there to help students out and listen to what they had to say. I want to be that person. I want to make high school bearable for those who need it and to be the person struggling kids can confide in if they need help. It doesn’t even need to be a teacher position either; I could become a school counselor or psychologist and still achieve my goal.

I’ve always had this desire to change the world or leave my mark. I’m pretty sure everyone has. But as I’ve grown older, I’ve realized that desire can’t be fulfilled by everyone. So why not try and change the lives of as many individual people as possible? That’s something everyone has the power to do, and I want to be able to make life just a bit easier for the ones who arguably need it the most: high school students.

Suicide is the third leading cause of teenage death in America, and although this is a very complex topic, I know from experience that an unhealthy school environment only worsens the mental health of those already struggling and can raise the numbers exponentially. If I can save at least one child from ending their blooming life and becoming another statistic, I would consider my wish to be fulfilled.

Let’s Get Vulnerable.

Vulnerability has never really been a strong suit of mine. It’s something about being so open and loud about the emotions I harbor that make my stomach turn. 

I feel the most vulnerable when I am writing. Writing allows me to release the words and expressions I dare not say out loud. Universe forbid that I ever say “I miss you” to someone. That’s more pride than it is vulnerability, but the two stand hand in hand for me.

Getting me to open up to you is basically getting me to say “I love and I trust you, take my heart now.” It’s like getting to the core of an artichoke or opening up one door just to find a locked safe. You may think you know so much about me, but you’ve really just scratched the surface.

I don’t like to think of myself as “complicated” or “hard to understand”. I just don’t allow everyone to pick at the complexities of my heart, mind and soul. That’s what being vulnerable feels like. It feels like you’re the main event at an open arena show. All eyes on you’re. You’re the star of the evening. NO THANK YOU!! I am just fine sitting backseat until I choose to drive. 

Being vulnerable is a choice. Vulnerability allows stable, healthy relationships. It helps to build character. I know that if I want to maintain certain relationships and friendships that I must allow vulnerability to pierce my heart and strain it in front of the ones I want to truly see me.

Let’s get vulnerable. Times not slowing down. We’re getting older and wiser. Don’t let a little vulnerability keep you hidden away from the truth that resides in you.

Until next time Friends,

A southern girl who wants to open up.

Take A Challenge

Does anybody else ever just want to retire from sight? Like, just for a moment, disappear or vanish, maybe pause time? 

I think it is a normal way to react to stress. It’s a normal way to react to pressure. I think its normal to want to escape from a hard situation. 

But there are also good ‘hard situations’. Like all these classes at MSA. For a lot of people, its probably a new challenge, a welcomed change from the standard boring and slow school work we would be getting at our old schools. Well, it’s like that for me anyway. 

I know that I had been complaining to my mother how bored I would get in class, just filling in the blanks, feeling as if I hadn’t learned a thing. Now all of a sudden – BAM! – I’m at a school for the Arts!! The one thing that most regular schools never seem to deem important! And during the drive up here when coming for my auditions, my mom had reminded me of all the times I had wished for a challenge. She told me “You asked for a challenge, now you’re bout to get one!” 

My point is, I took a risk, a very nerve-racking, stressful, and very much straight-out-of-the-blue risk. And yes, I’m getting the challenge I asked for. Yes, I’m staying up way past an appropriate bedtime. And yes, I have absolutely no time management skills and end up doing all my projects the day before they’re due (a bad habit I know, but I’m working on it).  But I’m going to say “IT IS WORTH IT!!!!!!!!” 

And as I sit here – in my super-duper penguin-freezing room, snuggled under my blankets because the thermostat won’t make it warmer – writing this the night before it’s due, I realize that I have met so many new, exciting, and bizarre people, tried cafeteria food on a daily bases, and have teachers who go so far to make sure we, as students of MSA, have every opportunity available to go farther than we could ever dream. 

A Little Bit More

Well if you thought you knew enough about me before, congratulations you get more information.  Honestly, the most interesting thing about me is I’m quite literally in pain all the time. My headache specialist doctor says my diagnosis is somewhere between a migraine and new daily headache since traditional medication has not been able to do much for me; I am currently going through EMDR therapy.  The pain is sometimes so intense…

One of the worst parts is most people don’t believe my condition, stating “it isn’t possible”.  Just because something is rare, doesn’t make it unable to happen, may I remind you some people are allergic to water and the sun?  Speaking of allergies, I have foods that trigger worse head pain or other symptoms like severe nausea.  The main triggers I have figured out are red dye 40 (Red 40) and MSG.  Unfortunately, for me, these are very common in America, the dye is found in almost every candy or drinks with color, along with some chocolate stuff for absolutely no reason, chocolate is already brown, people!

I guess something I’m also all too familiar with is betrayal.  Nothing hurts worse when you pour your heart and soul into someone and then they stab you in the back.  I know what you’re thinking “How could someone so young know betrayal like the back of her hand?”  The truth is the lottery of life hasn’t been too kind to me.  I know far too well a lot of people really don’t care about you, they just want something out of you.  Now while that can be as innocent as to pass the time, it can very well be something much more personal.  I guess that is why I was so hesitant to get too close to people for a while, however that can end up hurting you just as bad when they go and do things without you.

I sit here writing this in a dark room with my head aching from looking at a bright computer screen for so many hours on end, online learning really is not good for me.  I hope to go back to normal learning as soon as possible.

 

Describing Colors to Someone Who Cannot See Them

“How would you describe color to a blind person?”

   I, like most people, used to be baffled by this question. Whenever somebody would pose it, I would find myself stuck; how could you possibly describe something visual to someone who cannot perceive visual things? Recently, there’s been a revival of a classic debate: what colors are the core school subjects? People online are expressing very strong feelings about this, arguing passionately about why the colors they associate with English, math, history, and science are the most accurate representation of the subjects. This really inspired me to explore my own perception of color and the kind of people, actions, concepts, and feelings I associate certain colors with, so today, I’m going to try to articulate these thoughts to you.

   Red – Red is often perceived as being flashy, expensive, and powerful, but more than anything else, it is bold. It reminds you of the girl in your politics class; she usually does not speak unless spoken to, but she never hesitates when defending her beliefs. Despite its ability to blend in, red will never fail to catch your eye and captivate you. Red is the way you feel when you’re wearing heels and walking across an echoing concrete floor. Red is the climax of your favorite story; the intense final battle, the emotional profession of love, the narrow escape from death. Red is the stinging feeling in your throat when you begin to raise your voice during an argument where you allowed your confidence devolve into arrogance. It is the twist in your gut you feel when someone you’re competing against gains the upper-hand by outsmarting you. Red is your head spinning while you are both holding and being held by someone you love. It is the feeling of blood rushing to your face after you trip over your own feet while walking to class. Red is English, structured and consistent but never too exact or restrictive. It has standards that must be met, but your creativity is never unfairly restricted.

   Orange – Orange is loud, like the obnoxious girl at lunch whose excessive storytelling you cannot help but enjoying, because well, this one time… You will always recognize this color when it is in the room, but it is not always pleasing to the eyes. It feels like the carpeted floor of your parents’ vehicle; specifically, it feels the way it does when you hop into the front seat after a long day of school. Orange is the falling action of a story where the main character does not necessarily succeed in the way they wanted to, but they do realize something important about themselves or the situation they’re involved in. Orange is the feeling of taking off a pair of glasses that are a little too tight for your face. It is the ache of your muscles after an intense work out. It is the sensation that travels through your body when you smell the scent of your favorite candle for the first time in a while. It is the feeling in your stomach when you start to realize you’re talking too much. It is the warmth that floods your body when you read a poem you really connect with. Orange is Spanish, complex and even tiring at times but ultimately rewarding. It is a subject where the new material builds from things you’ve already learned, so things need time to develop in order for you get back what you have been putting in.

   Yellow – Yellow is soft-spoken but still expressive. It is the person who sits near your friend group during lunch who you have to strain to hear, so you focus on the way they talk with their hands when they tell you about their day. You only see yellow when you’re looking for it, even if it is subconsciously, but when you do, it makes you feel bright. Yellow might feel like the satisfying ending to a story you truly enjoyed, but more often, it does not feel like part of the story at all—yellow feels like the characters you grew to love while reading it. Yellow feels like the soft, cotton blanket that covers overgrown grass you and your best friend are sitting on while you are having a picnic. Yellow is your heart swelling in your chest when your favorite person laughs at the joke you tell them. It is the smile that forms on your face when you get a notification saying your comfort streamer is going live. Yellow is the excitement you experience when you find a piece of clothing at a thrift store that you immediately fall in love with. It is that glowing feeling of acceptance when your pet comes into your room without being prompted or called to do so. Yellow is health, mostly because it encourages you to take care of yourself and partially because that was the color of the textbook provided to us in eighth grade.

   Green – Green is calm and informal, like the boy who sits near you in art class; he jokes around with his friends during the lesson, but somehow still knows what to do when it is time to do work. He speaks to you sometimes and you usually get nervous, because without your friends, you feel out of place in that class, but he never seems to notice. Green hides in plain sight; you see it everywhere, so most of the time it goes underappreciated. However, when you take a moment to absorb it, you feel almost reassured in a strange way. Green is the beginning, middle, and end of a coming-of-age novel; green is a constant that remains intact throughout the story, rather than something that is introduced or removed at certain points, like a characteristic the narrator never shakes, an article of clothing the archetypal sidekick always wears, or a phrase an authority figure in the protagonist’s life always uses. Many different things come to mind when thinking about what green feels like; an immediate thought is the natural ground—the way the grassy backyard of your grandparents’ house felt under your feet while you ran around barefoot, lost in your own imagination. Green is the feeling of pride and satisfaction you experience when you nurture the houseplants your parents have been neglecting. Green is the queasy feeling in your stomach when you have to give a presentation in your social studies class. Green is the release of endorphins you get while playing your favorite sport in the burning sun. Green is science, overwhelmingly vast and complicated but still consistent and reliable. It can provide an explanation for the seemingly unknown things in life that scare and perplex us.

   Blue – Blue is straight-forward, yet comforting; it is exact, yet delicate. Blue is your friend who excels at everything, even though they are unwilling to admit they are above average in any capacity. They are always just a little better than you at sports and score a few points higher than you on tests, but they never emphasize these small differences to you or to themselves. Everyone likes blue; when you enter a room, it is always somewhere, whether as an article of clothing someone wears, a wall decoration, or even the color of the furniture. Blue is the satisfying rhythm of a lyrical poem you really enjoy, or the point in a story where the protagonist comes to terms with something which they do not have the power to change. Blue feels soft, like the pillows of your bed after a long day at work; it feels like the straps of your backpack when you anxiously tug at them while walking to your least favorite class. Blue is the familiar way your headphones rest on your head and it is also the way your demeanor changes when that song starts to blare from those headphones. It is the goosebumps that rise on your skin when you are sitting in a waiting room, not really recognizing where you are or who you’re seeing, because all you know that you told your parent you throat hurts and they took you here. Blue is math, where problems have one clear, inarguable answer. Although it can be frustrating not now know how to find that answer, you can always find satisfaction in putting forth the effort required to discover it.

   Purple – Purple is demanding and alluring; it reminds you of that one girl you were friends with in elementary school. You know the type: kind of mean and always has to be in charge, but fiercely loyal, almost to a fault. You respect her for those qualities now, but when you were young, you spent much of your time together wondering what would happen if you yanked on that ponytail she always wore. Purple is the introduction of the antagonist of a fantasy novel, who is usually the brooding, misunderstood classmate of the main character. Purple feels like velvet, or whatever material that one shirt you have that makes you feel like a witch is made of. Purple is the suppressed sense of superiority you feel when your work is used as an example in your language arts class, something you would never outwardly express but relish in the feeling of. It is the confidence that floods your mind when someone compliments the new lipstick shade you were trying—you weren’t really sure if it was your shade. Purple is social studies; it might seem repetitive and uninteresting on the surface, but we all have that one era of history we are secretly fascinated by.

Is he enough to satiate my hunger for life?

I look at him

Our eyes meet

I look over him while we are out in public

Still debating

I have loved him for years

He was nineteen when we dated for the first time

I was sixteen

Both under pressure from supposed friends

I had no feeling for him the first year and a half

And 

All of a sudden 

I stopped thinking of my boyfriend as an imaginary guy who didn’t exist

And took notice of the one person who worshipped me like a goddess (literally).

A year and a half later

We’d decided to get closer as friends and wait to mature more

I’d wanted to wait until I’d graduated and because I have ambitions

I didn’t want to be tied down

He respects my wishes 

My sister is my idol

She was reluctant at first but after getting to know him loves him as a brother

Her disapproval was the main reason we broke up

Other than the friends sabotaging our relationship

I love him

I really do

But 

I spent years of my life hating everyone or having no emotions

How am I supposed to love him as deeply as he does me?

We’re both equally as broken

There are days when someone can say hi to us

and we sob for hours