Author: Timera Gaston

Ever since some young age I’ve been waiting for the day I was older. Always pining for the experiences, the new foreign feelings. The emotions, the endorphins, the testosterone flooding my body with the new-found confidence that seemed to ooze from all teenagers. There was a power that came from that title.  Me! A teenage girl in the twenty-first century. It was magical, almost heart-stopping as I crawled my way up the age tree. TV-fueled these feelings, PARTIES! ROMANCE! FREEDOM! Always blasting itself through the screen beckoning me to join them. Sometimes I felt like I could reach out and slip into their world and become part of their society. But every time my hand touched the screen all I hit was tough plastic and glass. And I was once again stuck starring and waiting and becoming less patient and frustrated at the slow progress. You could call me naive, but I considered myself to be a dreamer. Gently dancing through until I could become who I was truly meant to be. Now, this wasn’t all I built up when I was young, I had more. I had ways to boost the progress to speed along things to keep me occupied for the time being. What else were there other than, BOYS, BOYS, BOYS! Boy crazy was what people would call it. You couldn’t be without a partner, a mate, a boy, a man. And I tried. I tried so hard at times I’m surprised the desperation didn’t leak out my pores. I was very shy, almost frightfully so. I fled from spotlight like a rat-faced with a flashlight. Every unfamiliar gaze sent me running like my feet were on fire. Then with some new-found bravado I spoke, though rarely to boys that caught my eye. Looking back on it, it was cringe-worthy to say the least. With my atrocious talking skills always interrupted every few seconds with the feeling to stu-stu-stu-stutter and the need to bite my tongue off from the way too soft words. Though through some magic of sorts, I actually did gain a boy or two or three. Now what did that do to my painfully desolated psyche when things went extremely wrong? Who’s at fault, who’s the culprit, who didn’t try hard enough. I was in grade school; did it really matter? But then again it did matter. Every failed attempt I sulked and tried again, slowly moving up a grade until it was finally time. When my birthday loomed nye and little old twelve-year-old me starred at the clock counting the seconds, holding her breathe. Then finally the stroke of midnight! I was finally a teen a very people starved, sad, lonely teen. Still pinning still feeling like I was less because a few bad attempts and a couple of destroyed friendships. Did that stop me, no it didn’t, I stilled pushed looking for that one person to have and to hold. Now you see, I wish they would have just rejected me because maybe if I was hurt the first times I wouldn’t have kept going. Maybe I would have actually waited. Maybe now I would have a sense of what a relationship is supposed to be. But it did happen like that and I wish I wasn’t so hung up on the maybes and just let it go the second the memories turned sour.

I’m awkward. You may not see that physically and neither do I, but I can feel it. That slight change in dynamic that makes me want to run. But running is useless. We both know that. I could run to the edge of the earth and jump off and somehow still end up in your room. It’s almost pathetic really the need to please. Then again, it’s my pride that gets in the way and it’s my will to defend. But who am I defending if I’m not defending you? I want to be with you and no I don’t mean in a way that’s romantic, maybe. I mean in a way that’s friendly. I want to be able to go to your room and know for a certainty that you were thinking about me before I stepped in. I know you used to watch the door. Waiting for me to walk through it to tell me your newest dream. The new gossip. What’s up for that day. Your problems and your sudden need to not be on this planet for a minute or two. How you would call when you couldn’t find me or “somehow” go to the places you knew I would be. I realized once I came back my presence became almost natural. Like falling into line, we continued, shaking off the rust and going back to what we called natural. The absurd thing is that I bought you flowers. Cheap, plastic, white flowers. For that one thing you told me you liked. That’s stupid really it is, but what else what I supposed to do? You like adventure and I wanted you to give that. I wanted you to receive the familiar pang of excitement. Last time you told me you were scared that you would die and this time you probably wouldn’t think that, but instead just have that feeling of happiness. You would smile and laugh that way you do when things are getting ridiculous and you love that ridiculousness. But I’m still hesitating, the flowers sit in my room untouched, useless. Why am I hesitating? Why does this scare me? Why did I get white ones, why not blue? The same blue that your hair was the first day we met. I should have made it sappy. But then again, I’m not doing it because I’m scared. I’m scared because of coincidences and they are white, so you can find them in the dark. I’ve planned really, I did. But they’re still collecting dust and I’m still trying to be better. Yesterday, you thought that I would leave, and you called me as if I was going to walk out and never turn back. And I did turn back, and you smiled. To think that me leaving would be the end of the world, so I’ll take that as you missed me too.

I’m jumping off a long high rise into a cauldron of space
smashing my head into a glass window
full of tiny porcupine needles to feel the thrill in it all
This is what it feels like to go into a hyperactive shock
Jumping and moving and telling everything
all with shaky hands and twitchy fingers
tie me to an airplane and send me to the moon and back
and I would bow at your feet like a dog
This is what it feels to be already gone
three miles down the road
praying for a truck to zoom its way into my body
So I could catch it with my ballerina’s feet
and kick it into oblivion
like myself
into a place so deep and down that my bubble pops
and I’m lost in a moving nothingness
that consumes my skin like a parasite
starving for its next meal
When I’m all gone
but still present in every single last thing
that decides to wink
and show their Cheshire’s teeth
at a wife pricked with nerves and booze
while her husband stands two feet away
looking at the produce aisle as if it was his last meal
Growling to get to apples
ripe and plump and young
Much nicer than the saggy pears decomposing with age
I’d settle for floating again to nothing
as my crazy leg bounds across the table
like a jackhammer set on high
And that shoulder pain
pinching my testy nerves
and my flapping tongue
and my roaming eyes
always roaming
they never stop to take a rest
what for?
let me be that roller coaster
forever in loop
Dizzy spinning youths
until they throw up from too much regret
until it comes crashing down in some magnificent explosion
I was that clown standing too close to that inferno
I’ll get burned to a crisp catching a flaming child
in my fragile hands
Handing it to that lady begging for her child to survive
a hundred more children died
their screams melt into my pounding head
But I’m relishing in my dancing fingers
flying, crashing, burning
I’m already speeding up
washing the old out
and flushing my system with the new
The waves of energy leak through my pores
Makes them big and unattractive
Makes the boys run away
and gives the girls hives
I’m oozing yellow like a pimple
Then I finally fall down on red

I am nine years old. I can swim. I can fly. I can sing. I can be a giant monster if requested. I have watched the fall of the Roman empire. I have witnessed the death of the two million people plagued by the black death. I can twirl in front of millions warranting a standing ovation. I can become a God if enough determination is applied. I can solve all of the problems of the world if people were willing to give it over to me. The notion is that I am, I can and I will be. This applies in the form of excitement and reckless power. A power so strong that the very thought of it could kill a man or a thousand and it has. It has leached its way into everyday minds and hands. Basically forcing them to commit millions to their knees and to the dirt. The very thought of others rolling around in the muck is tantalizing in this nirvana type headset. It’s perfect in the sense that it is imperfect. The imperfectness is amazingly tangible, pliable, and addictive. Stepping into it is like walking on water, turning bread to fish, raising a whole sea with the flick of your wrist. Infinite in the retrospect of being mundane. The request and the freedom of giving a little to receive the world are imminent to everyone now. Your very fingertips tingle with the surge of 7 billion lives at your disposal. Truly magnificent and deadly and terrifyingly present. To say you want it is an understatement. You need it. It is used to fuel us. To push the creative energy that seems to bounce in our heads screaming for release into the air screeching its energy to the wind and turning the atmosphere sour. You could witness the rotting and corroding of a whole generation caught in the tide of our own fists. Almost like the hard-faced exterior of a dictator foaming at the mouth to be heard. They are more rabid than man, less than human. We could be more than that, so human that we change the name of the game. we could make our own characters, set our own times form, in a sense, our own world, our own existence. Without the consequences or the chains or the eyes. Just us and our determination for better or for worse. Even though the choice is sickening it’s still a win-win no matter the path. So what do you say?

Life is really weird. I don’t really know many things and I know that I have a lot to learn and experiences to experience, but even so I do know some things. Those things aren’t that major compared to what people much older than me know but at this time in my life they seem like the world. Like I know the definition of love. I know what it’s supposed to mean and how people fall into it. Then again I always hear different things. My mom said that it’s if you’re willing to take a bullet from them. But I would take a bullet for a lot of people. Someone else said that it’s when you want them to be happy no matter what. But what if that “What” is them becoming a dictator and taking over and enslaving a country. Then maybe you wouldn’t want them to be happy doing that. Then again that is an extreme scenario. So to put it another smaller perspective it’s if they want to be with someone else. That’s when the cause of their happiness is someone else. You may make them happy but not like that other person. Then again you still would want them to be happy but another part may want them to be unhappy so you could have them. Then would that be love? I don’t know the answer but I don’t think I am meant to at the moment so I’ll move on from that. Another thing that I know is the meaning of friendship. Again my mom has always told me that I should choose my friends carefully. Now if carefully is befriending everyone then I suppose I have the right idea. I know it isn’t, however, I never claimed myself to be smart when it comes to things like this. Just that I know about them. Sadly though friendships are weird and are similar to relationships just with less kissing and stuff most of the time. They take time and effort and a trust between people that is stronger than one with a stranger. They would have your back ideally and not be broken up by any petty means. Then comes the cases of trust because a lot of people are not trustworthy or necessarily worth most of it. Now I’m not saying that everyone is or that humans are in general, to be honest every last person could lie about everything. But it’s the case of if you are good enough for that person to choose to give them the truth. You’re not legally obligated to do so but it would be nice, I guess.  Especially if you call yourself a friend to someone. But, like I said I don’t know everything and I could be wrong. Please feel free to give your perspective on things or these two in particular. It would be greatly appreciated.

To We 

The crystals that rested on her chest bounced

                                with every rapid step

Dirt flew towards the sky

                  so did their hands

praise god they screamed

as they danced barefoot through rose fields

Blue dusted their lips and finger tips

Purple powdered their nose

Fairies

they were fairies

                             sickly fairies

twisting crooked limbs clawing towards wispy clouds

drooping wings dragged across the ground

fairies

             dancing

                              prancing

                                          stomping

                                   through delicately ceasing

              rose fields 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hello.

Welcome to the world.

We are happy to have you.

Are you happy to meet us?

Of course you are.

What’s not to be happy about?

We are the best the world has to offer.

You must have been one of the best too if you are here.

It’s very difficult to get here if you are not.

So what do you plan on doing?

We offer a lot to do here.

a endless array of activities and pleasantries.

But first we must ask for a name.

So what is it?

Eli

Oh.

How sad.

You were a mistake.

Sadly, you are not allowed to stay here.

but

Goodbye.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Yellow Lines 

Can you feel the breathe of my touch caress you cheek

the subtle breeze of wild fields

The wind flowing over your spine

over your hair

and that whispering

light but beckoning

towards the sound of waterfalls

flooded with bodies

of wandering minds and untamed eyes

roaming through the canopy of vines

and to your window

streaming endless rays of sunlight

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 Welcome to @^##.

Eli, is it?

No.

Then who are you?

Jane.

Hello Jane.

Will Eli be joining us soon?

I don’t know.

That’s concerning.

Are you ok by yourself Jane?

No.

Of course you aren’t.

Your broken Jane.

We can see that.

But we still welcome you.

Sadly though we must find Eli.

Do you understand?

Yes.

That’s good.

Until then try not to get into trouble.

Alright?

…..

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

In the hunt of something more we look for something less.

Calling dirt gold and throwing the gold over our shoulders for good luck

luck that does not exist but to only pester and fills heads with dreams .

Dreams of which we do not know if not taken by a force.

But what force do we allow ourselves to take before it’s too much?

Is the force allowed negative or positive?

Can we ourselves if not trained know the difference.

Like Eli or Jane, do they know the difference between two realities.

Do I know the neutral between the two?

Or is it meant to be unknown.

Dairy Skin

You didn’t tell the moon to stop blinking

It stopped on it’s own

stuttering, wavering, shining

 bright enough to burn

Then going blank

Not even enough time to remember

The soft rays

Just gone

We loved it for it’s power

Now we can’t love anymore

Mr. moon won’t be our chaperone

Ever again

Makes you sad,

Makes sleeping worth the wait

Makes the sky another black ocean

Raging, raging, raging

Then falling

Then screaming

Then silence

Spotlight

Extra

Extra

The Moon is missing                (it is?)  

        (When was this?) 

    (I didn’t even notice.)

(Then what’s in the sky?) Brave enough to ask daring questions

Daring in that almost smart question way

that can give you answers

but it’s too late

it’s gone

congratulations

 you messed it all up….

White poison 

you’re all so funny

so is this

a joke in the form of words

spewing out of mouths like puke

it’s gone, been gone for a long time

but you notice now?

There’s no sky

there’s no moon

never been a moonlit sky

it never existed

Don’t fear

Don’t remember

f    a    d   e 

-Jane 

Liquid Space 

I’ve seen myself in a mirror suspended in a completely white room. Then again I was dreaming but that’s not the point. I know what I saw and it was me, a form of myself that I had no idea even existed. I was an angel. No, a demon disguised as an angel. Probably not, but I wanted to make this dramatic. Anyway, she was standing on the moon. The moon I remember,
and she was happy and full of a nice soft light. A light that had been before, when the moon hung in the sky like a reminder.  A reminder to continue living to our best ability. Yes, that’s what I believe happened to that thing, we stopped believing. Believing in- in something. Our fate rests in our own hands. So let’s get back the-the- the…What was it called again? 

-Eli

Lunar Fall 

comits rain down like promises

i was promised a savior

i was handed a moon rock

and a packet of lighters

that burns holes into my pocket

now i’m out of money

and moons to give

and space

The twinkling stopped two days ago

the cites are up in flames

the water is up to our necks

but look on the bright side

I never learned to swim

1. I suppose this is an update on my mental state as of now. Well, i’m sane as far as anyone knows. I have ten fingers ten toes. My hair is still unimaginably curly, my eyes are still that dark color of brown that seems ordinary enough to change to light gray. I still blink on command and still breathe without thinking too much about it. But older in that weird way that makes people question if you’re actually you, or a clone masking as you as some giant government ploy to take over the world. Even though they already own the world. We just don’t know it. Or we do, but choose to ignore it because ignoring seems better than acknowledging a powerless existence.

Ok, enough of that, let’s get back to me. I seem to split down the middle, not literally of course. But mentally I suppose like my two main personalities are battling each other trying to take control of me at the same time but end up giving up and sizzles down to neutral agreements about clothing or the typical school conversations. But then we got instances that are similar to those that require huge amounts of agreements, a situation that is more important to the path that I need to take and at that moment is when all guns are loaded and my head rages for the option to take control. At this point, I end up malfunctioning almost like a robot, freezing up on myself. My face would scrunch up in weird angles and my eyes may stop blinking and I may stop breathing and it may be that way for an extremely uncomfortable minute. But I always listen to the one that seems to be better in that situation. Which is always varying of course.  But its still fairly pesky I would whether have a nice equal but at this point in time, it doesn’t seem possible. And yeah I know it could be the case of the teenage mind and hormonal episodes that keeps me this way and when I get older my brain will obey one day almost all at once and decide that I am worthy of a clear focused path in life and BAM! Normal thinking patterns, or at least that’s what I hope will happen, but until then it’ll just sit back and wait.

Now I’m making this blog so i can share the most outrageous splits and to make it easier to distinguish between the two i named them. One will be Eli and the other will be Jane. So you all can see what i have to deal with on a almost daiy basis.

My heart is trapped at sea, caught in

An eternal battle between letting go and

Trusting the freedom on my tongue

My hands hunger for a new

Idea, a new overpowering thought

That pushes the hunger off the edge

I crave the wild presence of no true

Boundaries. I want to take in all that I

Force myself to reject. I need blood

Pumping through my veins, enough to

Burn right open. Seeing the other side

Does no good when all that I can get

Runs further away with each passing

Second. I want to trust myself again

But I might never reach that point

Concealed within this raging ocean

That is emotion

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`

Boredom sets in,

same old process is testing a nerve

Will your mind to go on

smile when you see them

Hug through gritted teeth

Decide against the social norm

Morals aren’t that special anyway

Try your best not to be that person

who cuts it out first

Make them seems like the bad guy

“movies boring”

“Dinner boring”

“Skating, a walk at the park? Try harder.”

Blame it on the mood swings, on the cold season

Family problems, School stress

nitpick into it makes sense

Hugs are getting rare

“It’s too hot to cuddle tonight maybe next time”

Was that a clenched fist

Are my eyes playing tricks?

They missed a call

No good night texts
But I have the audacity

To be full of regret

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Stealers

He’s coming

Oh, sorry by “he” I meant they

They are nice

Or so they say they’re nice

I have heard stories

About the cruel one’s

But you can’t blame everyone

For one person’s mistake

Or you can and we did

Wait not we

“They”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I’m unraveled and loose and living in it

Living for it

That fantastic feeling of being and seeing

and smiling and being happy with no doubts

‘and god I have never felt

Such odd powers and gooey feelings

Its lovely and terrible

Because I can feel my heart grow five sizes too big

As it crawls up my throat and

another smile forces its way through

God I’m happy, I’m living, and I’m full

And I’m happy, finally happy

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Stretched out and thinned at the edges

They glide into your senses

Similar to snakes

Head lopped off and wild

Snagging at loose skin and open veins

They swarm and shriek

They are not one not two

But many

Touched by millions

Craved by the masses

They burn as we burn

And we burn daily

Unable to grasp the tar breaching our minds

Shutting our eyes

Our ears overflow

Lungs constrict and expand

Unsteady, shaky, raw

But addictive

One morning you wake up. Get dressed. Brush your teeth brush your hair. Pick out any random old outfit, you didn’t feel like dressing up that day. Apply cologne or perfume. Smear on some makeup, but maybe not. You didn’t intend for yourself to look nice but smiling in the mirror you consider yourself nice looking. At least for that day. You grab your phone look through your social media. Like photos of people you don’t talk to but pretend you actually still consider them friends. You stop at a photo of a girl posting a quote about how she wants to be in love. You smile knowing you have someone to love. Their face may flash in your mind or it might not. Any way it goes you feel that familiar warmth that you get from thinking of then even if you didn’t.  Then you feel a discomfort but ignore it because today is supposed to be an OK day. You put on clothes grab a shower or just leave entirely because you had one that night. Walk down the concrete steps it echoes with every step. realized too late that you forgot you badge run up and get it. You look around the tables take a seat near friends not your love because they are sitting with people you don’t like. People that you feel that discomfort towards. It lingers like a really bad smell, it sticks too you and as the day goes on you feel a eternal dread for something out of your control. But, you ignore it chop it up to a gut feeling. You’ve had many “gut feelings” all of which were wrong. Some, of course, proving correct but that’s all superstition. The day continues as normal you begin to forget why you were so anxious as it moves along in a steady pace you see them. Standing alone or perhaps not but still there, you smile for a moment regain some type of posture and walk up. Not to quick not to slow you wouldn’t want to seem rushed. They are just a person someone normal not anything special. So why does your heart jump and your skin catch on fire. Maybe you can put it out before you reach them but no use you burn in their presence, but at least you stand a little more unique in the crowd. If there is a crow that is. They may smile or not. You may wave or smile, too or frown or push them backwards and say the words “I hate you”. Its entirely a joke but for that moment you kinda want to. But they do smile from that comment adding on a quick ” I hate you, too” because that’s how this game works that’s how the race is won. Whoever can say I hate first and mean it is the real winner but neither are going to. But from behind fluttered eyelashes, you know deep down that it may be on their tongue, and that’s when the dread comes back.