I’m awkward. You may not see that physically and neither do I, but I can feel it. That slight change in dynamic that makes me want to run. But running is useless. We both know that. I could run to the edge of the earth and jump off and somehow still end up in your room. It’s almost pathetic really the need to please. Then again, it’s my pride that gets in the way and it’s my will to defend. But who am I defending if I’m not defending you? I want to be with you and no I don’t mean in a way that’s romantic, maybe. I mean in a way that’s friendly. I want to be able to go to your room and know for a certainty that you were thinking about me before I stepped in. I know you used to watch the door. Waiting for me to walk through it to tell me your newest dream. The new gossip. What’s up for that day. Your problems and your sudden need to not be on this planet for a minute or two. How you would call when you couldn’t find me or “somehow” go to the places you knew I would be. I realized once I came back my presence became almost natural. Like falling into line, we continued, shaking off the rust and going back to what we called natural. The absurd thing is that I bought you flowers. Cheap, plastic, white flowers. For that one thing you told me you liked. That’s stupid really it is, but what else what I supposed to do? You like adventure and I wanted you to give that. I wanted you to receive the familiar pang of excitement. Last time you told me you were scared that you would die and this time you probably wouldn’t think that, but instead just have that feeling of happiness. You would smile and laugh that way you do when things are getting ridiculous and you love that ridiculousness. But I’m still hesitating, the flowers sit in my room untouched, useless. Why am I hesitating? Why does this scare me? Why did I get white ones, why not blue? The same blue that your hair was the first day we met. I should have made it sappy. But then again, I’m not doing it because I’m scared. I’m scared because of coincidences and they are white, so you can find them in the dark. I’ve planned really, I did. But they’re still collecting dust and I’m still trying to be better. Yesterday, you thought that I would leave, and you called me as if I was going to walk out and never turn back. And I did turn back, and you smiled. To think that me leaving would be the end of the world, so I’ll take that as you missed me too.
I feel the first sentence; wow. Also this sentence really got to me, “I could run to the edge of the earth and jump off and somehow still end up in your room.” It was really powerful. I like how real this whole piece is, because it is a compilation of some of your deepest feelings. I think it’s amazing how you relayed these. I like how you keep going back and forth as well, questioning the “you” character, and yourself as well. It creates rhythm and depth, almost like poetry, but not quite. This is really great 🙂
I love the last line, and I love the way you sound so confident in yourself and also hesitant towards this person and the thoughts you have towards them. It’s endearing. Great post!
Tim, I really enjoy this. I love that part about pride. It got to me high key.