Author: Nat

Guys I want this blog to just kind of be a good send off. It’s the last blog of the year and being at the Mississippi School of the Arts has just taught me so much. Going to this school has made me more independent, driven me to work harder, and just overall taught helped me excel in areas where I once was mediocre or less than. I will not be returning to this school next year, but I still am so thankful that I got to attend for even a year and learn as much as I have. I have made a great circle of friends this year that I plan on trying to keep in touch with and I have a great roomate who I got along very well with. Of course, I’ve also had some rocky moments here like navigating having to be so independent and having to learn how to control some of my symptoms. That is okay though in my opinion that’s what growing up and learning is. I am not excited to leave (mostly because of all the packing we have to do) and I’m going to start a new chapter of my life back at home. I plan on getting a job and going back to my old school where I will likely only have two classes a day and then I will work when I’m not in school and will go back to my home gym which I miss dearly. It’s almost like coming home to a new world so I’m also excited for that I think it will all go well even if it seems a bit scary right now. I will have things I especially miss and things not as much. Like having to take my medicine at certain times at night and being on such a strict schuedle.  But I will obviously miss my friends and how funny all of them are! That’s all for my up’s and downs though and I can’t wait to use my knowledge learned in the future.

I don’t even know if I can classify what I’m having as burnout or just ready for the school year to be over. I think many people are feeling the same strain right now where they just want things to come to a closing point. I am doing well in all of my classes but turning in work on deadlines is getting harder and harder and I just keep wondering when is it going to end! I also thing I’m just regressing though as I find myself listening to more melancholy music and not using my coping skills to my fullest ability. So, I plan to put more boundaries in place to try and get back on track first off, I am slowly going down on a medicine that was making me too tired to really do any of my work on time. I am going back to using these squishy things I use to calm down (Lol) and I really recommend them to anyone struggling with getting work done sometimes it’s good to just have something in your hand to take off the stress! I am also going to have to try doing some skills to work on falling asleep earlier because a con of going down on medicine means it’s harder to sleep in general and before I was on the dosage I was on, I couldn’t sleep at all! Which is an issue I have had since childhood. I’ve also been thinking about writing a blog about different medications I’ve been on and their personal side effects for me just to maybe help anyone struggling with similar issues so they may know where to start. Going away from that topic though I plan on implementing these coping skills to hopefully help me get back on track. I also have only started to learn that sometimes it’s okay to ask for extended deadlines or help of course it can’t be an all the time thing but every now and then is alright when you’re struggling. I learned this after going on a trip and realizing there was no way I could get the work done in the amount of time given so it was one of the first times I asked for more time, and it really helped me. So, for everyone else struggling these are some things I reccomend that I feel could really help everyone. I know it sucks to admit it, but adults are right about sleep and some other tools!

Hello! I have honestly wanted to write about Steven Universe for awhile but I either always forget or find another idea that I use. This time though I remembered as I just wrote a story based off of fusions! I love all the Steven Universe fusions and will be discussing some of them today!

1- Garnet

Garnet is a fusion between a Ruby and sapphire and fusions are usually a mix of gems combining to be stronger and it is originally looked down upon to fuse for anything other than to be stronger to complete a task, but Garnet is a fusion made from the love of both gems, and they even get married in the later seasons! Also, when I refer to those who look down upon fusion, I am talking about home world which is all gems ruled under the rule of Yellow, White, and blue diamonds which are almost tyrannical rulers. Though all the gems I am speaking about today are gems that escaped to earth known as the crystal gems.

2- Malachite  

Malachite is a combination of Lapiz Lazuli and Jasper this combination gives me the creeps and lots of mixed feelings. They are both very toxic for each other and Jasper becomes obsessed with them both being fused. While Lapiz wants to escape until we reach an episode where they fuse and Lapiz uses her waterpower’s to create chains on Malachite and chain the fusion which includes her to the bottom of the ocean. In another episode they escape from this fusion and still after being chained to the bottom of the ocean for so long Jasper begs to be a fusion again with Lapiz which in my opinion is insane! 

3- Rainbow Quartz

Another toxic fusion but in an angsty way. This fusion is between rose quartz and pearl spoilers here so turn away if you haven’t watched Steven Universe fully. Rose quartz is Pink diamond! So pearl is assigned to her and essentially was made just for Rose. Rose knows this good and well and still takes advantage of her feelings because pearl is in love with rose smh. Even though Rose later goes on to get with a human man named Greg and the birth of Steven happens and basically pearl is left to raise her SON! Wild lore. 

Stevonie

Finally, a healthy fusion! This is between a human and Steven! This human is no random person though it’s Connie which is Steven’s girlfriend in later seasons. These two are so cute and honestly before it wasn’t known that humans and gems could merge so this was a huge deal! These two also go through an episode where they learn the calmness in the overwhelmingness of fusion in this cool realm with butterflies it is so beautiful! And one of my favorite songs is also sang in this episode by the fusion master Garnet herself.

It’s so crazy to me that we don’t have to many blogs left until we are at the end of this year! I actually have so many fears not going to lie such as being accepted next year even though I have had good grades, and no write ups this whole year but of course I still have the irrational fear. I want to go over what I’m doing for summer and get other people to talk about their plans too though as I find it interesting what paths we are all going to take! For my summer I got accepted into a WW2 leadership trip which is where I go to New Orleans/ Louisianna for a week with other students and we learn at the WW2 Museum. I’m kind of nerve excited because I don’t know who my roommate is, but we all filled out a forum so I will hopefully get someone I get along with! I also got accepted into a masterclass I think is the word, but it is over summer where I stay at a college and learn from speakers and writers and I’m very excited for it. I am a bit nervous for that to since I have no idea if I will have a roommate or not and I only know one of the speakers well. I am also excited though for the new experience and getting to learn new information and hopefully broaden my writing skills. I have been nervous about my writing skills since all my peers are so talented, but I’ve tried to remind myself that we all are good at different forms of writing. I really want to improve my poetry because I always feel like my rhyming makes my poems almost sound like something fitting for a children’s book no matter how deep the topic is. So hopefully these classes will help teach me how to word things in a way so that it no longer sounds that way. I also plan on using what I learn at the WW2 Museum in my writing as I have always been interested in writing about historical events, and this will make things more fact based. So that is my summer in a wrap and maybe going to Mexico which I really hope happens as I love Mexico and miss it a lot. I used to live there for a short while when I was little, but I can’t remember much of it, so I love visiting because it feels so different yet so foreign at the same time. Aside from that though that’s all and I hope other people reading this blog will share their own plans and even just past summer experiences if wanted!

My absolutely least favorite thing on earth is when someone tries to educate me on food. it makes me feel this way because I have known and tracked calories for around ten years now. I also hate it when people comment on others weight and even if it is in a “good way” because I remember getting those comments at my lowest weight and it only added fuel to the fire. I remember learning and looking up how to lose weight quickly and trying everything from developing bulimia to binging because of how badly I would starve myself during the day. It got to a point that my mother would scream at me for not eating what she made, and she constantly harped on the fact that the food was “healthy”. But I only saw the oil going into the pan and how it would bleed through our paper plates. She told me I knew nothing about health and what was good and wasn’t. So it always ended in us fighting because I knew all the unhealthy ways and stuck to them. I remember at my lowest weight I was running three miles every day and would save all my calories to have a large bowl of cereal at night. My parents would say I was silly for barely eating dinner then gorging on sweets, but they didn’t get that it was one of my safe foods even though it was high in calories. I still was praised by them though for losing the weight and how active I was. I think it blindsided them to how little I was actually eating, and I stayed in this phase until we took a trip to Mexico. I remember the first few days there I would have breakdowns over the food and how I couldn’t track it on my diet app (one of which I still use today) but eventually I caved and just ate the food. I remember how freeing it felt but I would always feel a wave of guilt after. Once we went back to the states, I no longer had the motivation I once had, and I slowly put on more weight partially because I got a gym membership and slowly stopped doing cardio and started doing weights only. I then gained even more weight going to MSA. Which now leads me back to square one I now have the same disordered thoughts that I had years ago. I’m trying to do things right this time but it’s now hard to not overeat. I also am not pushing myself to extremes though not like last time. I would also like to share my journey to hold me accountable, so I thought what better place to do it then a blog. So, I can have motivation and remain healthy. 

You heard me from the title. Now you may be wondering what do you mean when someone is struggling it isn’t pretty. What I mean ids that when things get really bad and when someone is struggling in a certain way suddenly no one wants to help. For some examples when it gets so bad someone won’t brush their teeth for weeks on end or when it’s at a point where they can’t get out of bed and there is food and clothes strewn all about their room. Things like that make people who say they are advocates for mental health shrink away or leave. Because they can deal with someone who just lacks motivation or who’s room is just clothes dirty or even someone who just is having a moment of weakness and just wants someone to cry to. Though what do they do if it’s worse than that? What do they do when the person is going through active si or won’t listen to anyone and can only focus on their own thoughts. Those people are hard to work with, so most people simply won’t. That is why I say mental health is only important if it’s pretty or if a person feels they can help the affected individual. I’ve been a part of and watched from the sidelines of those who try to help an individual who is struggling in one of those ways and I have seen it is very rare for them to not be given up on or not lashed out at due to how they themselves act. It’s true most people struggling are going to lash out and push away their loved ones. And it’s true some loved ones will not help or will simply turn a blind eye to it. That is also not their fault they didn’t sign up to deal with that or they may not even know how to deal with such things at all. But at the end of the day who truly does? Sure, people are trained to work at places like inpatient for when things get too bad for people on the outside to manage but even, they don’t truly know how to handle all the patients they receive. That is why at the end of the day I think it is hard for a person struggling on a different level than others may not even get the same level of treatment someone would receive who doesn’t struggle with such things. Because people get intimidated right off the bat and leave. This does not go to say that they can’t receive help at all as plenty people in the world are strong advocates for mental health and try to help others. This is just my take for people who don’t have a strong support system. 

This is a post that I think almost everyone from MSA, or any form of selective school can relate to. What’s relatable is that we’ve all grown up labeled “weird” or just different due to our niche interests or style or taste in fashion or even relationships. I know that in some places mostly up north the games I’m into and the people I like, and fashion probably wouldn’t be as ridiculed but here in the bible belt. If I’m my true self I come off as some freak. I’ve gone through so many fazes in life and the one I always come back to is “emo” or “alternative” but it is what makes me most comfortable! I have been forced to dress like a “normal girl” and I have even tried to embrace it myself to trick my brain into saying I like it but that’s just not the case. I love rough tattoos I love the color black, and I love spiky silver jewelry. I love who I love, and I am so ashamed that I now live in a world where for four years or more marrying someone I love may be made illegal. I think I made this blog because this new election has opened my eyes more on what is happening politically. Before and I’m embarrassed to admit it but I didn’t care much for who our president was because it didn’t affect me. Now though it does, and so naturally as selfish humans are I now care, and I care a lot. I’ve been told no and to not like certain things all my life and not even in a mean way in a way of my parents trying to shield me from being bullied. Though I draw the line at someone saying no to who I love. Because that’s not something I can or will change. It’s not something anyone can change it’s not like a clothing article that I can just shrug off and put back in the closet. Trust me I’ve tried and for years from lying and dating men to try and fill the void to lying to my parents and others when they asked what gender I’m dating. Though I say all of this because it ties into the aspect of being “weird” because it is “different” and people characterize weird as anything that is outside of the common mold. So the thing I say is why should we hide? Why should we put on an article of clothing we secretly hate, why should we lie about who we like, why should we not draw or write about things we are interested in. The answer is that we should do all these things. Like so what I may be different but what great inventor or artist or speaker was ever common? None of them fit the mold and that’s what made them great so that’s just my ten cents about being “weird”.

I feel like no one talks about the experience of coming back to school after a break! I mean I know students talk about it from one to another and parents always complain about how much time their kids get off, but no one really talks about how much it affects some people. I know coming back from this break was extremely hard for me. I treated break like we were going into summer, which is my fault, but I just didn’t (and still don’t) feel very prepared to continue out the year. I wake up every morning counting down the days till the weekend and feel stressed like nothing I’ve ever felt before with this semesters work. I think it may have to do with the fact that I have never been at a school that holds me to such high standards. Before I went to a school where just passing by was good enough and was all some teachers expected. So, I never really put myself out there or felt driven to do better. I of course never want to go back to that mindset, and I love MSA for taking me out of that environment/ Which is why I’m so thankful to be a part of the Mississippi School of the Arts, but it still has definitely put me through the ringer. I think and hope that this feeling will fade once I get into the groove of things. I have already done many things this year with the school that has made me go out of my comfort zone. Things such as staying a weekend to go skating with friends, putting myself out there in new classes so I can learn better, and even developing a maybe not so tiny crush on one of my new classmates. All of these things (except for the crush of course) are things I have done in hopes of getting back to my old mindset of wanting to go to class or even the school itself. I have never in my life felt homesickness until this year and now I do not know if it is even homesickness or simply that I miss my evil cat and angelic dogs. All I know is that I’m just going to keep trucking one day at a time until I feel back to my old self again. I also recommend anyone reading this to try something new if they are feeling like I am feeling currently I promise it can lift your spirits!

Day 78- Well, I found something alright just nothing to do remotely with a cure. I can tell you though Macy was lying to the whole crew about her rare food illnesses which made her throw up every day. Her “rare” illness was Rob’s baby which is a lot to unpack and why she would write about her work affair details in a work computers file baffles me. I honestly could care less about what they were up to now. I’m just pissed that I learned what goes down while I’m sleeping and that I’m no step closer to finding this dumb cure. 

Day 80- I finally found an entry that didn’t look like a middle schooler’s attempt at writing work safe contraband! It seems like I need to mix two different compounds together to subdue the radiations affects. The only problem is this has only been performed on inanimate objects. I’ve seen Macy pour these “cures” over things ranging from dolls to spoons. During all these tests the objects start to bend and contort I can’t imagine my friend moving in those ungodly ways and let alone the agony it would put them through. I have decided I will go out and collect more samples. I feel bad but I need to find something infected with radiation and living I think wildlife is the safest choice for now.  

Day 80- Do you know how damn hard it is to catch a squirrel? Well, the answer is very it is very hard especially one that is mutated with radiation I swear it made it faster than a normal one. Today though I caught three which I hope are enough for the tests I’m going to have to carry out. I feel awful harming these animals but honestly, I’m sure maybe curing them is a better shot than the pain they are currently in. Half of them look more like naked mole rats than squirrels from all the poisoning they have in their system currently. Honestly, I’m sure maybe curing them is a better shot than the pain they are currently in. Half of them look more like naked mole rats than squirrels from all the poisoning they have in their system currently. Tonight, though I’ll let them rest I’m sure they are terrified of me already based on how bad I was at capturing them and how much I was cussing while doing so. 

Day 82- Ok so the first trial did not go as planned I tried to give the squirrel some medicine to calm it down since the little guy was shaking and foaming at the mouth. Instead, though it seemed to do the exact opposite, and he started growling? I didn’t know squirrels could do that or make such noises, but it scared me, and I promptly put Fred back in his cage! 

Were you once a kid who was chronically online and watched those cringey animation memes as a child? Well, I can tell you right now half of those song samples belong to Carvan Palace. Now here is where I admit something embarrassing and that is that I love their music! They are such good songs to imagine yourself in a club or even re-enacting those cringe worthy dances that animators would animate their Oc’s doing. Now you may be wondering well what are some of their songs that could take me back to that era or have such amazing daydreams?  Today I will be listing some of their best (in my opinion) songs and ones that will take you back in time! 

My first song recommendation has to be Lone Digger for sure. This song is based around a lone digger which is in that world essentially someone who dances to their own beat. The scene takes place in what looks like a bar/ club complete with dancers and drinks and gives the overall them of a risqué night. I love this song because you truly can imagine it with the songs tone and beat. Later in the club a fight goes down between a gang of cats and dogs who are portrayed as humans with the cats being in streetwear and the dogs in suits and ties. The song is also sung by a woman which could allude to being one of the dancers there which in my eyes just changes the perspective so much. All together it is just a well put together song for both memorabilia and to listen to on the regular.

My second song recommendation would have to be Wonderland this song is just truly about escaping reality. Its melodies are bright, upbeat, and fast paced and overall, just set the scene for one to imagine themselves escaping reality. It is also personally one of my favorites because it takes me back to some memories that I otherwise would not think of. Such as scrolling through YouTube mindlessly and watching any animation videos I could get my hands on.

My final song recommendation is Aftermath. This song gained quite a bit of popularity on Tik Tok before eventually being forgotten like most music tends on the app. Though it was not popular in a cheerful lighting it was mostly known to be used for people depicting their poor mental state and to vent. This is what the song is about though with repeating lines such as “let it go” goes on to help with the underlying message of hardships and that a person has to let go! I also love this song just for its beat in general it can truly be perceived as a light song if one wasn’t to pay any mind to the lyrics or it can be seen and interpreted very deeply. I love songs which can be taken in multiple ways because at the end of the day it is all up to the viewer!