Author: Brianna Cox

Happy new year, readers! I cannot believe that we’re already in the roaring ’20’s! We absolutely need to bring back flappers and the style! It was so unique and monumental. Anyway, this blog is going to be about turning over a new leaf.

Recently, I received a text message from a person that I ended on bad terms with. The text simply said, “I miss you.” Of course, I was shocked. I didn’t know what to say. I have almost a completely new life now. I gave myself plenty of time to forgive this person even though I never actually received an apology. I honestly didn’t miss anything about this person. Nothing about them was ever good for me.

I simply told this person that I did not reciprocate these feelings. I told them that I hoped they were doing well, but I definitely don’t want to stay in contact. Of course, I was very polite about it. In 2020, I will strive to put myself first sometimes. I’ve been a welcome mat that people stomped all over for far too long. I am turning over a new leaf by learning to love myself and learning to not put myself into situations that I could avoid by thinking first.

One thing that has always helped me keep a positive perspective on life is music. So, I made a playlist with a few of my happy songs. These songs never fail to make me smile or do a little dance in my chair.

I hope your 2020 is prosperous. I know you’ll do amazing things. You are strong and you are worth everything good in life that may come your way. Try not to look down on yourself for small mistakes. We all make them. Encourage yourself to do better.

Peace out, girl scout 🙂

so this is it. an entire semester worth of blogs and this is the last one. i really want to make this one special. i was going to write about something that recently happened in my life but it just wasn’t special. ya know? so i decided i’m going to talk about what i know best: me!

This was taken in Georgia on the day my brother, Breck, graduated from Basic Training at Fort Benning. I was so proud and excited to see him 🙂

This is my best friend, Nathan. Not gonna lie, we started off hating each other but look at us now. I don’t know exactly what day we took this but it was definitely a good one because every day with my best friend is a good day.

This is my dad, Bryan. I’m named after him if it wasn’t obvious. Ya know.. Brianna…Bryan… okay. But anyway, this was taken on Thanksgiving of 2018 and this day SUCKED but we managed through it.

This is my other half, Bridgette. We’ve been bestiessss for about 10 years now. We also started off hating each other. Crazy how the world works.

These are more of my best friends. From left to right, there’s Lorelei, Carlton, McKenzie, and me. This was a VERY good and funny day. We walked to the park after school and just embarrassed ourselves honestly. It was so much fun

This is my non blood related brother, Rhett. He’s had my back regardless of the situation. I know I can always go to him when I need anything. He’s been one of the only consistent people in my life.

These are my literaries! (Hey y’all! I know you’re reading this.) I love you all bunches and can’t wait to continue to grow in our writing together.

This is my mom, Michelle. I have never been able to bond with someone the way I bond with her. And I guess that is just a mother- daughter thing, but I think that even if I wasn’t her daughter, we’d still be friends. She listens when I ramble on and on and on and on. She’s also been there to hold me when I would get too overwhelmed. I know that anytime that life gets to be too much, I can call her and she’ll calm me down in minutes.

This is my other best friend, Jack. AKA: Sufrea. I cannot tell you what that nickname means because it is top secret information but we made it up when we were like, 12 years old. He’s also been one of the only consistent people in my life. We bond on a deeper level now that we’re older and because we both have similar- ish home lives.

Okay! That was the home life. Now it’s time for actual stuff about me. So here’s 6 facts you didn’t want or need to know but you’re going to anyway.

1. I may or may not have the personality of Chihuahua. If you’ve ever actually spent time with me, this will make perfect sense.
2. I’m a fairly picky eater. Just a few things I don’t like include: white chocolate, dark chocolate, caramel, bologna, wheat bread, swedish fish, mayonnaise, peanut butter, reese’s candy, twix, dr. pepper, strawberries, kiwi, cheese, milk, most cereals, etc.
3. I am a completely different person once I’m comfortable with you. When you first meet me, I’m fairly quiet and I keep a calm and chill attitude. But once I’m comfortable, I’m the polar opposite.
4. I’m the youngest and the only girl of my siblings. That explains my personality.
5. I’m a pisces and I honestly don’t know anything about astrological signs or whatever but I know I’m definitely a pisces so take that however you please.
6. I have several unhealthy obsessions. To name a few: John Mulaney (!), Bo Burnham, The Vampire Diaries, The Dolan Twins (!), and Kurtis Conner.

i’ve been getting my nails done since November 2017. it has grown into a preference to have my nails done. i’ve stopped getting them done since being at MSA because it is SO hard to type with long nails. and typing is literally my entire life now. but i’m going through withdrawals and i wanna show you guys all the nails that i’ve had. (SEVERAL were not pictured so this is not anywhere near all of them, but you get the gist.) a lot of these are really weird and crazy. i didn’t really like a few of them, but i loved most of them.

Acrylic nails have been apart of my life for over 2 years now because after my first set, I was full- on addicted. I don’t get them nearly as long anymore because it is SO hard to type on a keyboard when your nails are super long. I just love everything about having my nails done. I love washing my hair and scratching my scalp, I love massaging other people’s scalps or backs, I love the clicking noise they make when I type on my phone, I love just everything! If I had to pick a favorite, I’d probably choose the yellow ones with little sunflowers on my index finger. My nail tech did SO good and they were just so cute!

Okay, I’m gonna stop rambling about my nails now.

Peace out, girl scout 🙂

this is one of my absolute favorite pieces by Rupi Kaur. you can find it in her book “milk and honey”.

to do list (after the breakup):

1. take refuge in your bed.
2. cry. till the tears stop (this will take a few days).
3. don’t listen to slow songs.
4. delete their number from your phone even though it is memorized on your fingertips.
5. don’t look at old photos.
6. find the closest ice cream shop and treat yourself to two scoops of mint chocolate chip. the mint will calm your heart. you deserve the chocolate.
7. buy new bed sheets.
8. collect all the gifts, t-shirts, and everything with their smell on it and drop it off at a donation center.
9. plan a trip.
10. perfect the art of smiling and nodding when someone brings their name up in conversation.
11. start a new project.
12. whatever you do. do not call.
13. do not beg for what does not want to stay.
14. stop crying at some point.
15. allow yourself to feel foolish for believing you could’ve built the rest of your life in someone else’s stomach.
16. breathe.

this piece really spoke to me during a difficult and confusing time in my life. maybe you’re not going through a break- up, but a hard time in your life. some of these still apply to you. I love the simplicity and how focused it is on recovery and healing.

should i start doing stuff like this more often? i feel like my blogs are all over the place honestly, lol. everyone else has a theme to theirs but mine is super sporadic and random. send help. i literally never know what to write about until i get this super random idea from pinterest or instagram.

peace out girl scout 🙂

okay that title was dramatic but tik tok is addicting. i don’t care what anyone says. but i’m ready to talk about my problem.

it all started in first period last year at my old school (lumberton high school). i was just chilling in my desk, ya know, how people do when they’re tired and on the verge of quitting. then, my friend, let’s call her ASHANTI HOLDER, told me to download the app.

my first reaction was, and i quote, “absolutely not.” then about .6 seconds later, the app was installed and ready to go. so i opened it and made an account. and no, i’m not giving out my tik tok because that’s just weird. i then started watching the videos. they were all pretty stupid at first. but then i couldn’t stop watching. i found myself opening the app whenever i had a free moment. my problem was growing by the second.

it became evident to everyone around me that i had a problem when i knew every single sound on tik tok and almost all of the dances. it didn’t occur to me that i had a problem until i couldn’t stop watching tik toks instead of writing this very blog post. (so that was about 3 minutes ago now.) it is not uncommon for my roommate to come into the room and i’ll be laying there alone, in complete darkness, cackling at tik toks.

do i wish i had a social life? yeah. am i actually gonna do anything to achieve one? absolutely not.

i wish i could say that i am currently seeking treatment for my addiction, but that would be a lie. i am most definitely not willing to delete this app any time soon. thanks for reading this illiterate and strange blog post.

peace out girl scout 🙂

on a completely related note, as soon as i finished writing this, i opened tik tok and got sucked it for a solid 15 minutes without realizing it.

peace out girl scout fr this time 🙂

“If someone were to walk a mile in your shoes, what is something they’d quickly learn?”

If someone were to walk a mile in my shoes, I think they would quickly learn how hard it is to function with bipolar disorder. I’ve never talked about what it’s like being mentally unstable (loll) in my blogs, so I figured I would go ahead and discuss something I’m very familiar with.

Bipolar Disorder is defined as “a mental condition marked by alternating periods of elation and depression”. To simplify that by a LOT, it means that my mood changes drastically for no reason. I want to clarify that just because you have mood swings, that does not mean that you have BPD. Everybody has mood swings.

BPD is a lot more than just being happy, then sad, then mad. It is SO much more than that. The lows are extremely low and it’s so hard to get out of bed. Being in a low is like feeling a gaping hole in your chest for no reason. The highs are extremely high as well. Which can be a good and bad thing. You’re in a good mood but it also causes you to be irrational and spontaneous. Don’t get me wrong, being spontaneous is not a bad thing when you’re not doing anything too crazy.

Bipolar Disorder means going through therapist after therapist after therapist. It also means rarely finding friends who understand what it’s like and how to deal with you. It’s so hard to surround yourself with people who know that sometimes nothing is really wrong, but something is wrong. Like, nothing happened to put you in this mood, but this mood sucks. BPD also means feeling trapped inside your own head.

I can remember spending nights curled up next to my mom just bawling my eyes out because I wanted out of my own head. There would be mornings when she’d come into my room to try and wake me up and I’d just start crying because it was already bad at six in the morning. Those were the days that I stayed in bed all day. I wouldn’t watch TV, play on my phone, go out and talk, or anything. It’s absolutely miserable when you feel miserable for no reason. There’s no way to fix your mood because there isn’t a problem in the first place.

With BPD, I tend to feel everything a little more deeply; which can be a good thing, but also a bad thing. When I’m happy, I’m exhilarated. But when I’m kind of sad, I can literally feel a hole in my chest. I feel every emotion deeper than people without Bipolar Disorder.

It used to really offend me when people would be like, “oh my gosh, Brianna, you’re so bipolar!” I always took this as an offense because they said it like it was a bad thing. It made me feel insecure about my brain because it doesn’t work the way other peoples’ do. But now, after lots of counseling and personal growth, being called bipolar as a joke doesn’t offend me because, yeah, I am bipolar. And I don’t think it’s anything to be ashamed of. Now, the only thing that upsets me when it comes to BPD is people fake diagnosing themselves just because they’re hormonal teenagers. Mood swings are extremely common for people our age. If you think you may have BPD, don’t go around saying, “OMG! I’m so bipolar hahahaha” but instead go to a mental health doctor.

Having Bipolar Disorder definitely isn’t easy. I feel kind of bad for everyone that puts up with me because I know it’s kind of hard sometimes. But it definitely makes me appreciate those who stick around even more than I already do.

Okay that’s enough personal sharing for one day.

Peace out girl scout 🙂

i found these on google so what are you expecting? i don’t know if they’re true or not but they sounded cool, so.

Holding hands with someone you love can alleviate physical pain as well as stress and fear.

i 100% believe this because there’s just something relieving about holding someone’s hand that you love.

Falling in love has a similar neurological effect as getting high on cocaine.

and I oop-

Opposites don’t attract. You’re more likely to be attracted someone who looks and thinks the same as you do.

my soulmate is going to be SO annoying then.

You can’t multitask.

it’s literally impossible (at least for me it is)

Your most vivid memories are wrong.

oh noooooo.

Your favorite song is probably your favorite because you associate it with an emotional event in your life.

okay, yeah. i see this one being true.

The type of music, you listen to affects the way you perceive the world.

i listen to the most broad spectrum of music soooo

Romantic love is biochemically indistinguishable from having a severe obsessive-compulsive disorder.

that’s terrifying 🙂

The brain treats rejection like physical pain.

i 100% agree with this. that pain in your chest after being told no hits a lil different, lol.

The average high school kid today has the same level of anxiety as the average psychiatric patient in the early 1950’s.

lollllllyeahthisisdefinitelytruelllllllll

A hug longer than twenty seconds will release chemicals into your body that make you trust the person you’re hugging.

no wonder i don’t like hugging people that much, lol.

People are more honest when physically tired. This is why people confess things during late night conversations.

that’s why i drink coffee, bud. never catch me slipping!

Chocolate discharges the same chemical into your body that is produced when you start falling in love.

this is why i’m in love with almond joys then….

Crying makes you feel better, reduces stress, and may help to keep the body healthy.

well i cry almost everyday so guess who’s gonna live to be 103?

Writers are 121% more likely to suffer from bipolar disorder than those working in uncreative fields. 

me and my oldest brother both suffer from bipolar disorder and we both work in an artistic field, so i definitely believe this.

Women generally prefer men with deep husky voices because they seem more confident and not aggressive.

yes ma’am!

The people who give the best advice are usually the ones with the most problems.

lol, ME.

Women have twice as many pain receptors on their bodies than men, but they have a much higher pain tolerance.

we’re obviously the superior sex. i said what i said.

It is possible to die from a broken heart. It’s called Stress Cardiomyopathy. 

darnnn.

Hiiiii okay so this is quite possibly the most I’ve enjoyed writing a blog because I got to spend an entire class period reading! I have put together a collection of my favorite book quotes. I honestly feel like the quotes a person likes will tell you about them. Some of these I like just because of the way they are written (the first one for example) but most of them are because of what they say or what I felt when I read them for the first time. I associate a lot of these with a bad time in my life and reading them now is a reminder of how much I’ve grown and improved mentally. Okay, I’m gonna stop rambling and let you read them.

“I liked hurting girls.
Mentally, not physically, I never hit a girl in my life. Well, once. But that was a mistake. I’ll tell you about it later. The thing is, I got off on it. I really enjoyed it.
It’s like when you hear serial killers say they feel no regret, no remorse for all the people they killed. I was like that. Loved it. I didn’t care how long it took either, because I was in no hurry. I’d wait until they were totally in love with me. Till the big saucer eyes were looking at me. I loved the shock on their faces. Then the glaze as they tried to hide how much I was hurting them. And it was legal. I think I killed a few of them. Their souls, I mean. It was their souls I was after.”
― Anonymous, Diary of an Oxygen Thief

I really love this quote because it is the opening paragraph to the book. Itimmediately caught my attention and I didn’t put the book down until I finished it. I really loved seeing the perspective of a man who hurts women just because he can.

“She is oxygen, carbon, hydrogen, nitrogen, calcium, and phosphorus. The same elements that are inside the rest of us, but I can’t help thinking she’s more than that and she’s got other elements going on that no one’s ever heard of, ones that make her stand apart from everybody else. I feel this brief panic as I think, What would happen if one of those elements malfunctioned or just stopped working altogether? I make myself push this aside and concentrate on the feel of her skin until I no longer see molecules but Violet.”― Jennifer Niven, All the Bright Places

Where do I even start? This book absolutely changed my life. This paragraph alone gave me butterflies. Imagine being described like that by the person you love. Goosebumps, am I right? 

“Meeting your soul mate is like walking into a house you’ve been in before – you will recognize the furniture, the pictures on the wall, the books on the shelves, the contents of drawers: You could find your way around in the dark if you had to.”
― Jandy Nelson, I’ll Give You the Sun

This book also changed my life. I have read it 5 times and I’ll probably read it again soon. This quote is just so calming to me. Because real love doesn’t hurt and it shouldn’t be hard. Yes, you’ll face hard times, but it will never be hard to love them.

“There’s a Japanese phrase that I like: koi no yokan. It doesn’t mean love at first sight. It’s closer to love at second sight. It’s the feeling when you meet someone that you’re going to fall in love with them. Maybe you don’t love them right away, but it’s inevitable that you will.”
— Nicola Yoon (The Sun Is Also a Star)

I also love this phrase because it gives me a sense of relief that I can’t really explain. I also love it because I don’t believe in love at first sight but I could definitely believe something like this. 

“I know these will all be stories some day, and our pictures will become old photographs. We all become somebody’s mom or dad. But right now, these moments are not stories. This is happening. I can see it. This one moment when you know you’re not a sad story. You are alive. And you stand up and see the lights on the buildings and everything that makes you wonder. And you’re listening to that song, and that drive with the people who you love most in this world. And in this moment, I swear, we are infinite.” and ” I don’t know if you’ve ever felt like that. That you wanted to sleep for a thousand years. Or just not exist.”
― Stephen Chbosky, The Perks Of Being A Wallflower

I don’t even need to explain why I like these because they’re just beautiful. I especially relate to the second one because I do want to sleep for a thousand years or not exist sometimes. I like knowing that I’m not the only one who feels like this. 

“Love extra, even if it means you hurt extra,too”
― Emery Lord, The Start of Me and You

I have always said that I’d rather hurt because I cared too deeply than hurt someone else because I didn’t care enough. This quote kind of explains the way my compassion and love works. 

“I like other people’s words. They fill me up.”
― Jasmine Warga, My Heart and Other Black Holes

I, too, like other people’s words. I could read and read and read forever and not get bored. I love absorbing other people’s literature. 

“The moment you fall in love feels like it has centuries behind it, generations – all of them rearranging themselves so this precise, remarkable intersection could happen. In your heart, in your bones, no matter how silly you know it is, you feel that everything has been leading to this, all the secret arrows were pointing here, the universe and time itself crafted this long ago, and you are just now realizing it, you are just now arriving at the place you were always meant to be.”
― David Levithan, Every Day

I just love reading about love. And writing about it. And feeling it. I’ve only ever felt romantic love once in my life and it didn’t work out. But the stuff I wrote about our love will always make me proud. 

“Even though you’re not my type, gender-wise, you’re my type, person-wise.”
― David Levithan, Another Day

I LOVE this quote. You’ll have to read the book to understand why the narrator is saying that but I just love how even though the person speaking isn’t usually into that gender, they still love them because of the person they are. And I think that’s the way everyone should be. There shouldn’t be gay, straight, bisexual, etc. I think you should just love who you love without having to put a label on yourself for what you find attractive. (Or what you don’t find attractive. Asexual people should just be called people, you know? Why label everyone for what floats their boat?)

Thanks for reading the stuff I like to read. 

Peace out Girl Scout 🙂

Facade

Flowers are supposed to smell sweet.

That is what I thought upon first inspection.

How could a flower be so beautiful,

Yet have such a pungent and foul smell?

Flowers have a reputation to uphold, you see.

They must be Tangerine with Pink tones 

And a Yellow base. They should be shaped like

A cup, ready to catch the compliments thrown to them.

They should be layered like a person,

Dark on the inside and bleached by the sun on the outside. 

Or Lavender with kisses of Purple lining the bottom

A Yellow belly, right in the center

A Lilac Red clings to the tips, 

Waiting to jump off.

Pollen swims in the center

Yellows and Orange couples dance in the sun.

Or a pastel Yellow flower that emits serenity. 

It is so small in color yet big in character. 

It starts as a deep Yellow and ends in an almost White color. 

There is no deeper layer to this flower, 

Much like the person looking at it.

The edges are ruffled like the hair of a child,

After their father messes it up. 

There are spots of an electric Orange,

Splattering across the lips of the bud.

Beneath these bitter smelling flowers are rocks and dirt. 

Perhaps they’d smell more like real flowers,

If they came from a softer background.

The poisonous ants crawl around,

Waiting for something to bite.

Vines stem from these flowers too.

Their umbilical cords are a deep Purple, 

With Green lines going along with them.

They have leaves and flowers sprouting from them on every inch. 

The small garden is surrounded with concrete,

Worn down and chipped on the edges.

From students sitting and looking at the flowers.

The rocks that are sprinkled in are various shades of Browns and Oranges.

The Turquoise paint is cracked and mostly missing. 

The ants crawl there, too.

Okay, this blog is completely out of my comfort zone, so bear with me. I decided to interview myself because I would like to share some things about myself so here we are!

What is something you are certain you’ll never experience?

Me- Meeting my soulmate. Getting married. Someone falling in love with me. All the mushy stuff, lol.

What’s your favorite thing about yourself?

Me- My favorite thing about myself is my compassion. It’s also what I hate the most. My compassion for others hurts me most of the time but I would much rather hurt because I care so deeply than hurt someone else because I don’t care at all.

What do you think about most often?

Me- I think about my past and what I could’ve done differently. Thinking about what I’ve done keeps me up at night. I would change so much if I had to chance to.

What is something that offends you?

Me- Okay, this is going to sound weird but it really offends me when people interrupt me when I’m speaking. It makes me feel like what I have to say isn’t important enough to finish saying and what they have to say is more important. It’s also my biggest pet peeve.

If you could go back and change anything, what would it be?

Me- I would change who I hung out with in my 9th and 10th grade years. No hesitation. I got myself into a lot of trouble and honestly had the worst times of my entire life during these two years. If I would have surrounded myself with more positive people, I feel like I would’ve been a lot happier and less self- destructive. 

If you could watch everything that has happened in your life until now, would you enjoy it?

Me- Absolutely not. Like I previously said, 2017 and 2018 were THE worst years of my life. I wish I could take it all back and never look back again. I would change who I hung out with, what I did, where I was, etc. I’d change EVERYTHING. 

Would you sacrifice yourself for a stranger?

Me- Absolutely. I wouldn’t even hesitate. Or that’s what I like to think. This is where my compassion comes into play. I like to think that I would give my life for a stranger. Unless they’re a bad person. Then I wouldn’t. I would do it for an innocent bystander but I wouldn’t do it for a murderer or anything. 

What does your ideal life look like?

Me- Working as an author or publisher, making good money, and having a happy marriage. Maybe have a kid or two. I don’t know for sure yet.