“If someone were to walk a mile in your shoes, what is something they’d quickly learn?”
If someone were to walk a mile in my shoes, I think they would quickly learn how hard it is to function with bipolar disorder. I’ve never talked about what it’s like being mentally unstable (loll) in my blogs, so I figured I would go ahead and discuss something I’m very familiar with.
Bipolar Disorder is defined as “a mental condition marked by alternating periods of elation and depression”. To simplify that by a LOT, it means that my mood changes drastically for no reason. I want to clarify that just because you have mood swings, that does not mean that you have BPD. Everybody has mood swings.
BPD is a lot more than just being happy, then sad, then mad. It is SO much more than that. The lows are extremely low and it’s so hard to get out of bed. Being in a low is like feeling a gaping hole in your chest for no reason. The highs are extremely high as well. Which can be a good and bad thing. You’re in a good mood but it also causes you to be irrational and spontaneous. Don’t get me wrong, being spontaneous is not a bad thing when you’re not doing anything too crazy.
Bipolar Disorder means going through therapist after therapist after therapist. It also means rarely finding friends who understand what it’s like and how to deal with you. It’s so hard to surround yourself with people who know that sometimes nothing is really wrong, but something is wrong. Like, nothing happened to put you in this mood, but this mood sucks. BPD also means feeling trapped inside your own head.
I can remember spending nights curled up next to my mom just bawling my eyes out because I wanted out of my own head. There would be mornings when she’d come into my room to try and wake me up and I’d just start crying because it was already bad at six in the morning. Those were the days that I stayed in bed all day. I wouldn’t watch TV, play on my phone, go out and talk, or anything. It’s absolutely miserable when you feel miserable for no reason. There’s no way to fix your mood because there isn’t a problem in the first place.
With BPD, I tend to feel everything a little more deeply; which can be a good thing, but also a bad thing. When I’m happy, I’m exhilarated. But when I’m kind of sad, I can literally feel a hole in my chest. I feel every emotion deeper than people without Bipolar Disorder.
It used to really offend me when people would be like, “oh my gosh, Brianna, you’re so bipolar!” I always took this as an offense because they said it like it was a bad thing. It made me feel insecure about my brain because it doesn’t work the way other peoples’ do. But now, after lots of counseling and personal growth, being called bipolar as a joke doesn’t offend me because, yeah, I am bipolar. And I don’t think it’s anything to be ashamed of. Now, the only thing that upsets me when it comes to BPD is people fake diagnosing themselves just because they’re hormonal teenagers. Mood swings are extremely common for people our age. If you think you may have BPD, don’t go around saying, “OMG! I’m so bipolar hahahaha” but instead go to a mental health doctor.
Having Bipolar Disorder definitely isn’t easy. I feel kind of bad for everyone that puts up with me because I know it’s kind of hard sometimes. But it definitely makes me appreciate those who stick around even more than I already do.
Okay that’s enough personal sharing for one day.
Peace out girl scout 🙂
I appreciate you sharing this personal blog with us. Too many times people just throw around the disorder like its a cute trait. “Mississippi is so Bipolar!” Mental illnesses in general have been turned into these quirky adjectives. No, so and so, you’re not “SO OCD” just because you like your hoodie strings the same length.