if only i had been there when you were born
i bet your eyes were beautiful
and your nose rounded, tiny as a button
i’m sure the nurses and doctors
swooned as they set you in your mother’s arms
little did they know…
if only i had been there when you were brought home
when your brother held you
when the mystery man that was your father
probably wasn’t even there
if only i had been there when your sister
was brought into this world with pneumonia in her lungs
and her tiny chest clenched under clouds of cigarette smoke
if only i had been there when you were nine years old
walking around the streets alone
with nothing to protect yourself but your baby teeth
already visiting milestones you shouldn’t have had to-
that you shouldn’t have even known about
if only i had been there when you lived in that hotel
when your mother came home
still decked out in her revealing work clothes
and passed out on the floor
then proceeded to cover herself in
feces, urine, and bile
and as your sister poked at her
your brother told her to stop because
she was probably going to die
all the while you ate chips in front of a TV
if only i had been there when you poured alcohol
down your throat for the first time
such a young age to be destroying your liver
such a young age to search for escape
if only i had been there the first time you
questioned your existence
which was probably much earlier than i’d like to think
if only i had been there when your tummy
began to cave in on itself
because there wasn’t enough food
and if their was the roaches would claim it first
when your skin was frail because there wasn’t enough love
if only i had been there when you smoked your first cigarette
just to cough and continue
because a habit made you feel more real
if only i had been there when your mother came home
piss drunk and higher than mount denali
when you drug her inside and she hit you
and hit you and hit you
until you pushed back and she fell
screaming
you’re not my son, you’re not my son
if only i had been there when you
swore to yourself
you’d never fall in love
but did it anyway
all for girls who would break you down
and use you
and lie, and lie, and lie
to break your trust
just like all the rest
if only i had been there when you gave up
on anything and everyone
just to yell
to clouds
secretly hoping God may hear you
if only i had been there when you told girls
they were beautiful
to fill in their insecurities
not because you meant it
but because it was easy
and they would open up every time
so that you could find release
since that is what you were taught to do
by your own mother
to use and use and use
until there is nothing left
and you have to find another fix
if only i had been there.
if only i had been there.
now you are the plate your mother flung at the wall
behind her boyfriends head
where it broke and shattered
i am still sweeping up the pieces and
picking shards from the carpet
i will find all of them soon
and slowly glue them back together
there will still be the jagged lines form the forceful blow
but there won’t be a single missing piece
you will be whole
no matter how scarred
if only i had been there
i would have rather been there
not because my life was worse
god no
it was sunshine and daisies
and lilypads and water hoses
open fields and love
slip ‘n slides and winter coats
weekends with my grandparents and trips to disney world
where i complained about the blisters on my feet
while you begged for a light in the dark
my father built me a swing of rubber and rope
and i would fly as high as the house
to jump into a kiddie pool my mom had bought
i remember the feeling of the sun on my skin
and the wind in my face
and i can’t help but wonder what was happening to you
in those moments
i would give up every memory
to have been there
if only i had been there
if only i had been beside you
if only i had held you
if only i had carried you away from hell
if only i had been yours.
if only i had saved you the heartache
if only if only if only if only
“what would you have done?”
now you are looking at me
strange smile
almost angry
disbelieving
i touch the palm of your hand to my lips
“well…” i lay my cheek in your hand
“i would have loved you… and i think that’s all you ever wanted.”
THIS IS SO PRECIOUS YOU’RE WATCHING ME TYPE THIS BUT I HOPE YOU KNOW I LOVE YOU MUCHLY.
this is beautiful. sounds like a song.