As promised, the list of works that have truly changed my life continues. This week’s installment: “Turtles All the Way Down” by John Greene.
In this book, seventeen year old Aza Holmes navigates a missing person’s mystery, young love, loss, and extreme anxiety, particularly over physical health.
This book did something no other piece of literature ever has for me. It gave me a term for the way my anxious mind works. In her story, Aza compares her anxious thoughts to a literal downward spiral, as in a whirlpool of thought that goes further and further down, getting tighter and tighter.
I never knew how much I related to this feeling until I experienced it. This metaphor, though not exactly identical to my own experience, gave voice to a sensation I wasn’t even aware others experienced. That is one of the most powerful things a piece of literature can do.
My spiral, however, tends to spin outward. Sure, there are certain thought processes that feel constricting, but my vice is a sort of “creative surplus” rather than an anxious buildup. It often feels like my mind is too big for, well, itself. It’s like my thoughts are spilling over, growing out of me and leaving all that is safe, and solid, and known behind and it can be terrifying.
An entire universe blossoming out of your head when you’re just trying to stay together is no easy concept to digest. This book helped me believe that, somewhere out there, someone, be it the author or my fellow readers, understands how it feels to have thoughts outside of thoughts.
Hence, the reason it places so very high on the “life changing” list.
Another reason this particular book ranks so high is the metaphor of “turtles all the way down”, which is actually referenced within the book. In it, the phrase is used in a sort of parable about a woman in a college lecture to argue a professor that the Earth is on the back of a giant turtle, which is standing on another turtle, which is standing on another turtle, all the way down. Hence, the metaphor. And, though it might not necessarily be the meaning intended to be drawn from this particular inclusion, what I took from it was this: it is completely okay to be wrong about the world. You do not have to have everything all figured out, there’s no pressure to be right. And that, in and of itself is beyond reassuring for someone with my spiral problem.
If you struggle with any thought disorder, diagnosed and concrete, or unexplained and vague, I suggest checking out this book. It’s no substitute for mental help, but it may help you, at the very least, be a little more grounded for a few pages. Until next time. 🙂
Sincerely, someone learning to ride the upward spiral.
