why i want to be audrey horne when i grow up

hello, blog world! i’m emma, and you are a total stranger to me. i’m almost entirely unfamiliar with the concept of my writing being viewed by anyone but me and the occasional english teacher, but i’m excited to expand my horizons! at first, i struggled a bit to choose what to write about for my first ever entry. i knew that because my interests lie heavily in the areas of television and film, i would likely write a review or character study, but i couldn’t quite narrow things down. suddenly, as i sat listening to my music and staring at my blank screen, i finally had an idea that i loved- writing about the female characters who inspired me and helped to make me who i am. while i can see the melodrama in the previous statement, the art of media has truly had a profoundly healing effect on me throughout my life. for as long as i can remember, i have taken comfort and inspiration from the strong women both in my life and on my screen, and the opportunity to write about them brings me such a lovely sense of pride and happiness. so, blog world, i invite you and yours to join me on this expedition into the catalogue of the fictitious women whose natures intrigue me- the women i want to be when i grow up and why.

upon seeing audrey horne, a central character in lynch’s televised masterpiece, twin peaks, the first thing you notice will likely be her undeniable beauty. she stands, a porcelain prima donna with raven hair, a gaze that cuts like a knife and a mind just as sharp. she brings the world around her to its knees in her sensible skirt and saddle shoes. she carries with her an unmatchable grace and quiet confidence, not in her looks, but in her unspoken wisdom. 

the show introduces audrey under characteristically odd circumstances- beloved prom queen laura palmer has been murdered, and the student body of twin peaks high school is deeply affected by the tragedy. audrey, however, continues with her morning as usual. she puts on her red high heels, smokes a cigarette and watches as the world around her nearly collapses with grief. to those around her, it likely seems that her calm demeanor is indicative of a lack of emotion, but it actually stems from her intrinsically strong sense of curiosity. audrey, at her core, is an observer- and quite a fine one. her lifelong habits of watching, listening, and uncovering have made her unusually skilled in the art of reading people. 

audrey’s family situation is a tragedy that largely contributes to her more melancholy side. benjamin horne, audrey’s father, is a calculated, unloving parent. he is known as a corrupt businessman with little regard for others, least of all his wife and children. audrey’s greatest wish is to have her father’s approval, but as she grows into herself, she somewhat realizes that she doesn’t need the love of an evil man (or any man for that matter) to make her whole. 

johnny, audrey’s brother is older than her but has severe mental issues which cause his mind to be much younger than his body. she loves her brother dearly but doesn’t have a very strong relationship with him because of the guilt she associates with him. when she was a toddler and he was nine, she accidentally shoved him down the stairs, and the trauma to his head caused his condition. though she was only a child and his injuries weren’t her fault, her mother blamed her for the incident and shut her out entirely, leaving audrey completely alone.

spending her life in unwilling isolation at such a young age naturally jaded audrey, and the idea of friendship was so unfamiliar to her that it no longer seemed desirable. she had mastered the crafts of being alone without being lonely and being lonely when surrounded by people.

one of audrey’s most definitive and interesting storylines is her relationship with dale cooper. cooper is the fbi agent sent to investigate laura’s murder. from their first interaction, it is clear to them both that there is something there- something ineffably, gorgeously intense that neither of them have ever felt before. cooper, being a man of rigid principle and compassion, ultimately chose not to pursue a relationship with audrey because he thought it clear that what she needed in her life was time to grow individually and a true friend- that’s exactly what he gave her. she was left heartbroken, despite his good intentions in distancing himself. still, they learned a great deal from each other. he gave her the balance to use her investigative nature wisely and the knowledge of her worth. she showed him the importance of abandoning his comfort zone and letting people in, even if for a short time. though their feelings for one another were genuine and pure, the timing was impossible. personally, i believe that if the show had continued, the two of them would have inevitably ended up together because there is simply no better match or greater love  for either character.

as an awkward twelve year old girl with no real sense of direction, twin peaks was life-changing for me. i saw reflections of myself in its characters, not all of which were pretty. on my screen, i saw both evil and goodness in their very purest forms. while there are many wonderfully complex characters in the show, audrey horne is one that brings me tremendous comfort and inspiration, and being even just a bit like her would mean being closer to the person i’d like to be someday.

audrey horne mini playlist:

silver springs- fleetwood mac

crimson and clover- joan jett

audrey’s dance- angelo badalamenti

you were meant for me- jewel

she’s always a woman- billy joel