Former Victims

Dear former victims of abuse,

You have been given a situation well beyond your years. You have been force-fed something hard to swallow. You have been blessed with the kiss of bruises and belt buckles for no apparent reason. You have tasted salty tears and busted lips, smelled the stench of alcohol and dread. And when the possibility of it ever ending left, you became desensitized to all of it. The pain hurt a little bit less, the tears flowed a little less willingly, and the hope you so desperately clung to became a lot harder to find. And you’re left alone with nothing but your anger: anger at God and anger at yourself. “Why can’t you just walk away?” “Why are you like this?” Why did you do this to yourself?” “Why aren’t you enough?” Why?” “Why?” “Why?”

I am one of you. I have felt worthless, restless, and helpless. I have stood where you stood and I said what you said. And I know what it’s like. But this letter is addressed to FORMER victims. We made it out. We’re alive. We’re breathing the air we fought for for so many nights prior to us escaping. However, that kind of turmoil stays with you forever. That type of anguish is unrelenting, no matter where you may be.

 So, I want you to understand something. There is nothing in this world that could ever make you feel as terrible as you did in that predicament. Why? Because you have grown stronger since the day you fell in that rabbit hole. You have become keener, wiser, and you are now a better version of yourself that you never saw yourself being. And no matter how hard you fight the realization, that was not your fault. There’s a very common, very cliche quote that says,”Sometimes the prettiest flower has the sharpest thorns”. Normally it’s used in reference to girls that pretend to have bad mental issues to be “quirky” and “popular”. But now, I use this to tell you that sometimes the most caring, funny, perfect looking man or woman can be the worst to you. And you don’t deserve that. It may take you a while to figure that out (it took me almost 14 years), but one of these days you will look in the mirror and see the person you were made to be.

I also know that you want so badly to blame God for what happened. And in a sense, He is responsible. But not in the way you think. “But, Azya, how is He a good God if He allows stuff like that to happen?” Have you ever heard the term,” Things happen for a reason”? Without going through that experience, without being broken down to the point of bitter nothingness, you wouldn’t be flourishing. You wouldn’t have the experience to say that you lived through an experience that will haunt you, but will overpower you no more. We have been blessed with the ability to say that we are better than our circumstances. God has blessed us with the power to feel like we are ourselves again. That was all Him.

Now, I pray that you find a coping mechanism that helps you become better than your abuser was. I pray that you find the peace and serenity in your life that I know we all crave. And I hope, that one day, when you’re old and gray and the memories have blurred together like a smudged painting, you look back, and you thank yourself for forgiving that man or woman from all those years ago. 

Sincerely, 

A former victim of abuse

Author: Azya Lyons

“have i gone mad? im afraid so, but let me tell you something, the best people usualy are.” -Lewis Carrol, Alice in Wonderland aw skeet skeet

4 thoughts on “Former Victims”

  1. I can’t find the words to describe how beautiful and how deeply shaking this piece is. Very proud of you and the progress you’ve made!

  2. I know that we read these in class, but I commend your bravery to post this publicly. I know this piece will help and encourage many others <3

  3. This was truly powerful. I understand questioning why I had to be put in a situation like that. I look back to it, and know that I am able to help other girls like us through the situations that we have been through. Thank you for writing this <3

  4. You are a powerful writer, and I respect how you use your voice. This is a moving, emotional piece, and I am sure that someone will read this with tears in their eyes.

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