The first man I ever loved was my grandfather. He was better than my father at the time. He loved me with every shred of his soul and my heart filled with joy every time he held my tiny hands. I remember being very young and seeing how much he loved my grandmother. He showed her in every way: words, actions, smiles, and the genuine amount of care he held in his strong hands.
My grandmother was very sick, so when I wanted to go out somewhere PawPaw was my
Go to. At least once a week we would go to Wards in the afternoon, where I always ordered popcorn chicken and greasy fries. He wouldn’t let me eat it until we got to a park called Coopers Ferry.
Cooper’s Ferry was a beautiful place when I was little. The bridges wrapped around the bank of a lake and there was an old water wheel that I loved to watch spin. Upon entrance to the park were sidewalks that let up to the pavillion where picnic tables were set up. There, I would eat my ketchup- drenched food while he ate a salad and either a chicken sandwich or a burger. After, we would walk on the bridges.
Above the bridges were Sweet Gum trees that dropped their seeds called Sweet Gum Balls. These Sweet Gum balls are spikey and usually brown once they’ve fallen. In the summer they covered the pathway of the bridge. I loved them, for whatever reason, and would lift the hem of my shirt to my belly button, creating a pouch to hold as many of them as possible.
My PawPaw would laugh at me for this, and crunch them under his raggedy brown sandals, just to see my aggravation. However, I could never stay frustrated with him long. I always broke out into a fit of giggles. We would stay at that park for hours. As a child, those hours felt like years. I loved those moments then as much as I do now. I didn’t know it, but i was feeling love at its purest.
Time went by and suddenly I was fifteen, searching through boys. I tested out a few, one of them I let hang on a little too long. He hurt me and broke me down, but my pawpaw was still there. His smile was still as bright as the sunny summer days, even with the deeper laugh lines. He told me, then, that God would give me someone who I needed, I just had to have faith. He told me that God gave him my grandmother, despite every hardship they encountered, and they ended up just fine. I realized in these moments I needed a love like that: one that was made in heaven.
And there you were. Always in the background, always encouraging me, always honest, always pushing me to be better. How could I have not known these past few years? Maybe I was afraid of it. Afraid to be truly loved.
Now, you are nothing like my grandfather. From the outside, you seem harsh. Beaten. But within you there is so much more. My grandfather is the opposite: soft and beaming on the outside, keeping his struggles within himself so that he could steady everyone else. But the intensity of the love is the same. It’s like fire, engulfing things completely.
You are what I always dreamed of, and I pray it never leaves. I pray that we can have faith to get through every hardship we encounter, and end up just fine.
