September 15th, 2025 marked 10 years since Undertale’s official release. And over September 20-21, Fangamer hosted (not one but) two special streams replaying the game with new additions and development insight from Toby Fox, the creator.
I want to be clear about how there’s not a lot I can say that hasn’t been said before in a high quality video essay or lengthily written forum post. So I’ve decided to discuss my personal experience with Undertale. But I’m worried I won’t even have enough to say since I barely remember my time in the prime Undertale fandom. And now I’ve had an entire month to move on from all of my feelings I had writing my last blog.
“Steph, you seriously don’t have anything to say about the 10-year anniversary or the Fangamer stream?” I theoretically ask myself for the sake of transition.
It’s hard to say that… I didn’t feel much. And maybe, that means whatever I’m feeling is too much for me to process right now so I’m indifferent to it. Or maybe there’s so much else going on that I don’t even have time to process 10 years since the most influential game to my existence was released. I’ll probably feel it in a couple of months.
I’ve always had an extreme fear of growing up. And facing Undertale’s 10-year anniversary is like facing that fear directly. Of all of my fears, because of course there’s a lot, I’m always able to avoid them. I get my dad to kill spiders, I sit out on tall rollercoasters, and I stay far away from the deep parts of the ocean. But growing up is the one thing I can avoid. And, obviously death because I’m scared of that too. I’m growing up a little bit everyday. No matter how long I watch kids shows, color with crayons, or pray to God to let me be a kid for at least a little longer, I’m almost 18 already.
I’m not original by saying I don’t want to grow up, quite the opposite actually. I think everyone, especially my peers in my class, has felt this way. But I want to dive into this feeling in relation to Undertale’s 10-year anniversary.
When I was 7, I had just moved to America, I struggled to interact with kids my age, and second graders are mean! When nothing else was consistent in my life, the internet was, surprisingly. I think I’ve mentioned before that I got my first laptop when I was 4, so I was familiar with the internet at a young age.
That’s where I was first introduced to Undertale through Jackcepticeye’s Let’s Play. Not sure when I found it exactly, but I know it couldn’t have been long after the series first started in October. I have a memory of talking to a friend about how I couldn’t wait for the next episode and she had no clue what I was talking about. After I dove into the Undertale fandom, I was able to find some comfort at the end of the day. It was like this for years, long enough for me to have a physical reaction when I hear the soundtrack.
So now, 10 years later, as a 17-year-old, I’m under completely different circumstances. I’m somewhat comfortable where I live, I have some of the best friends I could ever ask for, and art school kids are actually a lot nicer than you would think. So why does it physically hurt me to listen to the soundtrack or play the game again? I think it’s because my life has completely switched over the past 10 years.
I’m not looking for comfort at the end of a hard day of being a confused and lost kid anymore. I’m almost a teenager who already has comfort and support. It’s like I’m actively looking to be confused and lost again. Maybe that’s why I’ve been making some brash decisions recently.
In all honesty, watching the Fangamer stream felt weird. For one, I watched a reaction stream of the original so there was a layer of separation that I didn’t even realize until the whole thing was over. Secondly, I was really overstimulated with the mix of an extremely emotional game, Fangamer’s elaborate set, props, and commentary, and the new content they mixed into the game. I almost lost my mind. But I enjoyed the stream and it ended on a beautiful note:
“The world
is as big as you
want it to be.
Where will you go next?”
That quote actually hit me harder than anything else. Recently, I’ve been rethinking my plans for my adulthood. Through my journey to heal my inner child, I’ve rediscovered my distaste for monotony, staying in a box, doing what is expected of me. I was always told: go to college, get a job, get married, have kids. That order, every single day. Going to art school halfway through high school was my first step outside of the pre-established path.
I want to make decisions that were never options to me before. I want to find what makes me happy rather than follow what people think makes me happy. I want to disappoint people because I’ve never done that before.
“So Steph, how big is your world?” I theoretically ask myself to lighten the mood.
Right now, it’s small. It’s almost completely limited to the state of Mississippi. I do not want my world to be that way, especially coming all the way from Indonesia. Big decisions are being made currently and I certainly wouldn’t have the courage to make them if not for Undertale.
I didn’t expect this blog to be so sad. I knew it would be emotional for me, but I wasn’t expecting to just be flat out sad. I think this rainy weather is getting to me. I wasn’t expecting to be able to discuss my current feelings in this either, I just thought I would be celebrating Undertale’s 10th birthday. Glad I’m able to find a way to make everything about me I guess??? On a lighter, dorkier note, I recently submitted my senior quote. Just like I said I would, like, 5 years ago, I made it, “Despite everything, it’s still you.” I felt silly submitting it, especially after having to explain it to someone who had never even heard of Undertale before, but 7-year-old me would think I am so cool so that’s literally all that matters. Yes, I did include that “not one but two” bit in the beginning just so I could insert both stream links thanks for noticing. And thanks for reading if you did.