oh mai gawd music is my liiife

Click for a surprise 😉

I’m sure everyone knows how big of a music fanatic I am. There’s rarely a time I don’t have my earbuds in listening to something. Lately, I’ve begun to have a thing for making themed playlists. What I’ll do is, I’ll choose a topic or a creative title. Then, I take hours – sometimes even days – to search through my favorite or related artists that I feel like make music to fit the genre or theme. Once that’s done, I go ahead and find a cool cover to add and boom – done. To be completely honest with you, I’m saying all this just to say I really wanna make a playlist for you guys. I really enjoy making playlists for people and seeing/hearing their reactions. It doesn’t give me a sense of validation, but genuine happiness when I see someone listening to the playlists I’ve made for them. That’s one of my biggest signs of ‘I love you’ – making a playlist. With that being said, I’m gonna suggest some songs or make a playlist if you will. Doing this makes me feel like I’m making a mix tape, which is what they do in indie or chill movies and I mean who doesn’t love indie/chill movies??? Sooooo, I’m gonna make a playlist with indie and/or chill vibes. I hope you guys enjoy! 🙂 

  • American Spirits – Inner Wave
  • We’re Not Just Friends – Parks, Squares and Alleys
  • Driving to Hawaii – Summer Salt
  • Shalala – Moses Gunn Collective
  • Halcyon Age – Vansire
  • The Things You Do (To Me) – Mark Whalen
  • Please Be Mine – Molly Burch
  • (She’s) Just a Phase – Puma Blue
  • Mysight – Mild Orange
  • Set Piece – Vansire
  • Spring Time Blues – Marsandaras (M*A*R*S)
  • Life – The Walters
  • Without You – Strawberry Guy
  • Electric Feel – MGMT
  • Venus Flytrap – Feng Suave
  • Lauren – Men I Trust
  • Keep Kool – Winona Forever
  • Streems – The Symposium
  • Hey Girl – Paul Cherry
  • Lady Friend – PONCHO
  • Baby Please – Black Pool
  • Big Sis – SALES
  • Superstition Future – TOPS
  • Talk a Lot – SALES
  • Sugarcoat – Kid Bloom
  • My Jinji – Sunset Rollercoaster
  • So Good At Being in Trouble – Unknown Mortal Orchestra
  • I Don’t Know You – The Marías
  • I Love You So – The Walters
  • Cuz You’re My Girl – Yung Heazy
  • Lucky Love – Michael Seyer
  • Honeydew – Katzú Oso
  • Heart and My Car – Summer Salt
  • Burgundy Red – Sunset Rollercoaster
  • Over the Moon – The Marías
  • Maybe – RICEWINE

Welp, this is my playlist for you all! All of these songs come from one of my playlists on Spotify named 내 마음을 사로 잡다  (Captivate My Heart). If you wanna hear more or follow it, don’t worry. I got you. Click the picture up on the top. Hope you guys enjoy! Byyye <3 

permanence and history

Lately, the topic the world has been focusing on is the burning of Notre Dame. On April 16, the news of the Notre Dame’s demise spread like wildfire across the world and a great number of people were shocked that such a thing had happened. It was said that there were renovations being made on Notre Dame and that a worker may have left something on, causes a lot of Notre Dame and it’s famous spires collapsed. There were many pictures and videos of devastated civilians watching their beloved symbol and holder of history collapse and burn.  The event was terrible and saddening, disappointing and hurting the hearts of many. No one, including myself, could imagine such an important symbol of history to be destroyed. But, while reading articles and seeing posts about this tragic occurrence, I began to think of other land marks artifacts, and historical symbols that are still standing around the globe.

Those bits of history aren’t here to stay forever like many think they will. Not everything is permanent. One day, far into the future, the offspring of many generations after us probably will never know of the Notre Dame, the Berlin Wall, Big Ben, or maybe even the Statue of Liberty because so many things happen. The reminders of history are already old and they’re obviously going to grow older, regardless of the renovations that might be made to save them. We can only enjoy them now while we still have them. We have so many natural disasters occur such as tornadoes, earthquakes, floods, wildfires and it’s hard to know if symbols of the past will be destroyed and there’s not too much we can do. Rather than history books in the future saying that the students can visit these places, they’ll talk about when they still stood and how they fell. It’s such a saddening thing to think about because Earth’s history is so important but not everything’s permanent. Notre Dame was such an eye opener to this. Something many thought would stand for so many more years to come has fallen. That’s something we must grasp. It’s hard to do but it’s a must. 

breaks

So, summer’s around the corner and I have no clue how I feel about that. It’s the last summer I’ll have in high school and that is the weirdest thing I’ve thought about all year. I wanna make this summer memorable but I don’t know how I can do that. I need a job. I need to finally get my driver’s license. I’m scared that I won’t have time to enjoy the summer before it ends. It makes me think back on the breaks and the weekends that I come back home from MSA. I never really go out with my friends or do much when I’m home unless it’s something that needs to be done. As far as leisure goes, though, there’s not much I do. I go home, watch my sister, and then come right back here. Don’t mistake me, I don’t mind watching my sister in order to help my mom out and I’m not saying that I constantly need to be out and about doing leisure things because leisure activities mainly cost money. However, I don’t want to miss out on anything, either. I want to enjoy the last of my teenage years. I feel like I’ve missed out on a lot of childhood memories and teenage experiences. I don’t put the blame on anyone, though, really. I just want to be able to do something memorable and youthful before I’m thrown out into the adult world. Granted, I can still have fun in college and do a lot of that great stuff. But, there’s still something about experiencing wonderful things at this age. I feel like it seems to hit you harder and make it all the more memorable. That’s all I want – good memories to hang onto when I’m no longer a high school student. 

comfort

I envy people that feel really comfortable in their own skin. Now, don’t get me wrong, I don’t hate myself or feel just at the lowest of lows with myself. However, I’m not too pleased with everything about myself. Of course, it’s typical teenage insecurities but I just want to do something about it. When I was younger, I didn’t really care too much about my appearance. I’d wear whatever and I didn’t care if I looked ‘cute’ or not. It didn’t matter. Now, though, it matters so much to me. It honestly surprises me how much I care about these matters now because I hated anything that dealt with dressing up or looking nice. I go on social media and see so many people wearing aesthetic or vintage clothes that look so nice and cool and I want to wear those things. But then I look at myself and immediately doubt that I could wear those things. I don’t think I’d look right in them. I try on clothes that I find so cute but immediately put it back if my arms show too much or my legs look too big. If I have to go a size up, I just don’t get it – especially if it’s not meant to be over sized. It just really sucks. I want to find confidence but I don’t have the motivation to exercise daily. But, thinking about all this kind of gives me the adrenaline to push so that I can be smaller again and feel pretty. I know it’ll take a while but I can get there. My goal is to go back to my original weight when I started high school. I’m going to get there no matter how much it takes. I just want to be able to be comfortable when I go out. I’m gonna do it, though. I swear to it.

traveling is medicine

I’m low-key (very high-key) jealous of people who are constantly on the go. That’s something I’ve wanted to do so often. Since I was little, going to different states always satisfied me. Going to different places and seeing the difference between them and Mississippi is one of the best things in the world. I love enjoying different home restaurants and foreign scenery. It gives me a sense of hope, in a way, and I feel completely good inside. However, it seems like I traveled a bit more when I was younger than now, when I really need it. Although, last summer I traveled quite a bit. I went to the mountains in North Carolina, Detroit, and Manhattan. Being in those places made me feel so free and staying here makes me realize just how badly I miss going out and seeing those different places. 

It’s also allowed me to see that I can’t stay here. I feel that I’ve become a person who can’t stay attached to one place for too long, especially not Mississippi. In no way am I trying to put down the state and say it’s disgustingly terrible, but it’s genuinely just not for me. It’s home but I know it’s not home home – my permanent home. I find myself seeing people on Instagram and other social media platforms that live in different states and countries and it makes me kind of sad. It makes me feel like I’m missing that place that makes me completely happy. I’ve already made up different plans in my head, like traveling to Okinawa, England, Australia, and Canada to see if they’re for me. Those aren’t even half of the countries I want to visit. I want to go all out and experience all of the culture and meet new people. That’s all the medicine I need. 

the way roses love

“The way roses love is harsh. They die as quickly as they grow without the proper care. Would you say one loves more than the other?” The elderly woman asked, thumbing through the day’s newspaper with her bony finger. Her almond eyes squinted down at the tiny words on the paper and she grumbled in annoyance. She sat with one of her legs crossed neatly over the other, the floral fabric of her skirt brushing against her calves. Her curly, ash grey hair hung down past her shoulders, tickling her face and tiny wrinkles created paths and messages onto her face. I looked at her in shock considering I hadn’t said anything to the woman since I’d come into the small flower shop. “Pardon?”

“You keep looking at those roses, dear,” she stated simply without looking up from her newspaper. “That’s why I ask if one of you loves more than the other.”

She cut her eyes at me above the newspaper, mouth set in a firm line. I shook my head and replied. “No, I would hope not. I’d like to say that we love each other equally. Why do you ask?”

“Because you’ve come here for the past four days and everytime you immediately find yourself near the roses after about two seconds of looking at the others,” she said, folding the newspaper and plopping it down onto the counter. With that, she picked up a random record without hesitation and placed it onto the turntable with such care, it was as if it were a tiny child she was handling. The record spun, scratching and making static sighs and sounds. Then, the sweet sound of low jazz danced its way into the air. I furrowed my brows, trying to figure out what the woman was on about. “Ma’am, no disrespect at all, but what do roses have to do with me and him loving each other? How did you even know I was in a relationship?”

“Dear, I feel it. Those roses are your way of making up for the lost love and connection in your circumstances.  Come here and sit.” I made my way towards the counter and sat on an old, torn stool that stood next to it. She leaned over and smiled sadly, wrinkles deepening. “Like roses, love dies without the proper care. Roses love so desperately but so harshly. They flaunt their beauty, attracting many but cuts the many that encounter them. They’re a toxic kind of love. Your love? Your love is like a broken record, constantly repeating itself. You fall for the same kind until it tires you out. Stop tiring yourself out and buy a new turntable.”

I sat in silence, blinking to keep back the tears that had been fighting to get  out. The old woman disappeared behind the counter for a moment and then popped back up, setting a bouquet of small, purple flowers on it. “You need a new flower. Lilacs have never failed me. Let go of what you can’t handle and find someone new. Start fresh.”

I took the bouquet and reached in my pocket when she stopped me. She shook her head and winked, nodding her head towards the door. A sad smile spread across my face. “Thank you for being what I needed.”

I left, hugging the bouquet to my chest, the image of her smile vivid and fresh in my mind. Before walking in the direction of my apartment, I looked back inside the window of the store. The old woman sat with a small, content smile sitting on her face. In her hands was a picture frame. She lifted it to her fragile lips and kissed it. I hugged the lilacs tighter and smiled to myself, letting memory lead the way home.

ahhhh!!!!

It’s about to be almost two months until summer and I am not ready!!! One, I’m gonna miss my senior (don’t tell her, though) and two, that means start of senior year!! I’m about to be a hella near-adult. It feels like just yesterday I was in third grade running around on that rickety, but comforting playground at recess. Now, I’m running around a campus at an arts school with no recess or time for that matter. It feels as if time is slipping out of reach and then I realize that I’ve never had it in my reach. That’s something really scary to think about, in my opinion. I always told my family that no matter what, I’d never grow up. No one on this round, green earth could tell me that I’d become an adult one day and once you’re almost there, it happens in a flash. It feels as if the years of my life are just patting me on the back for two seconds and then running away, rather than when they used to hug me for weeks as a kid. I know I’ve talked about this before, but it scares me so much. I’m practically afraid of what’s out there. Sure, my mom’s prepared me well and I’m in that mentality but the thought still throws me into an absolute panic. Let me tell you, I cannot fathom what my life’s going to be like once I leave this place. I honestly just want to be happy with my life and be able to do what I can in order to make that happen. It would just be so nice, though, to be able to go back and actually enjoy those moments of my childhood where I was wishing that I could hurry up and grow up. I regret saying that I couldn’t wait to be an adult because I can’t get those years back. This is so much in so little time.

unpopular opinion

Those who know me know that I am truly a very opinionated person. I’m perfectly okay with speaking my mind. However, a lot of my opinions tend to be those on the unpopular side – the side that society doesn’t really agree with. Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m not gonna shove my beliefs down a person’s throat just because they believe in the popular opinion; but, I’ve seen and been in so many situations where people with the popular opinion are somewhat upset because of the difference in beliefs. I mean, honestly, those with unpopular opinions do the same. Which makes me wonder, why won’t people just let people have their opinions. If it isn’t racism or prejudice opinions then what does it matter? So what a person likes chocolate and you like vanilla? They literally only stated, “Hey, I like chocolate.” not “If you don’t like chocolate, I’ll hurt you.” If a person says how they feel about something, that doesn’t necessarily mean they want to debate with you. A lot of problems with people today is that we can’t just learn how to deal and accept that we all have our likes and dislikes. It’s always ‘what I like is right and if you don’t agree, you suck!’ Like come on, get a grip. We were all made with different DNA to like different things. Does it really make us bad people if some of us don’t really like sweet or sour things or that we don’t really celebrate birthdays or that our birthdays are the biggest things we celebrate? No. Why? Well, because in the end, it’s how you feel about a certain thing – not another person. So what if your opinion is popular or uncommon? If it makes you happy or if someone else’s opinion makes them happy, then it should be respected. That’s my other TED talk. 

valentine’s day exists just to steal your money

I’ve never really liked valentines day. In fact, I believe that valentines day is just a set up for people to spend their money to try and prove their love to their significant other or whatever. But, why can’t you just show that everyday? Why do you have to flash your money around or compete with your friends to see how much more you can buy than them? It’s just a run for your money. Commercial crap. Plus, I don’t like chocolate too much, and cheesy valentine’s day cards just seriously make my stomach hurt. I don’t mean to sound like a Debbie Downer but really? The overall concept of love at this point has been twisted and ringed up over and over again and the hype that people feel over this thing – I don’t get it. To me, love is being able to show you care through simple, small things on a daily. If I were to love someone in that way, I’d always pay attention to the small things that make them happy and always continue to different little small things. The reward in it isn’t some big teddy bear or a huge box of chocolates or even a 15 karat ring that I’d probably never wear – it’s the small smile that crosses their face when they notice it. I want to be able to tell their moods through the smallest things to make sure I’m able to be there for them without them even mentioning anything to me. That’s what love is and I’d like to receive the same back. I don’t even care about the constant ‘I love you’s’ that may come from a person’s mouth. It was drilled in my head that actions speak louder than words and that’s how I would like my relationship to be. So, yeah. I really don’t like valentine’s day. If you love and care about me, show me through the small things everyday. Don’t wait until valentine’s day to flash your love. Love me now. <3 

mental stuff is really weird

I believe that mental entrapment is deadly. That sounds very odd and out of place on many levels but I believe that to be true in its entirety. In fact, I have so many factors as to why and it’s very common in my family. When I say mental entrapment, though, I don’t just mean not being able to escape those wild thoughts that someone may have at five a.m., but the emotions that hurt the most. Many people would wonder how that could be mental entrapment but those hurtful emotions feed into your innermost thoughts and it starts to become such a huge issue in the lives of many. Mental entrapment for me defines being stuck in your mind for what seems like forever. It is the continuously getting lost between what is real or fiction or even just feeling as if there’s a bind or blockage in your mind, holding you back. Mental entrapment could be caused by many things, including mental illnesses like depression or bipolarism, or even just the simplest of heart breaks. There are so many symptoms and outcomes of what I refer to as mental entrapment. Mentally, it could most definitely affect the way a person thinks and handles a situation. However, it could affect a person physically, as well. From a personal experience, it feels as if someone’s physically squeezing walls against you, blocking your way. The entire feeling is completely different from a panic attack, though they seem the same. Either way, it feels like you cannot escape or get away from whatever is affecting or bothering you. There’s often an urge to run away and due to the fact that you cannot, the feeling gets worse and your chest begins to tighten very harshly. It’s very frightening when it happens and it feels like there’s no way to help it. Personally, that’s why I enjoy travelling so much. Many of my friends or people that have talked to me know how much I talk about travelling and leaving Mississippi. It’s because of the entrapment that I feel mentally. There’s not a particular reason that I can pinpoint, exactly, but whenever I leave the state, I feel free. Those small bursts of freedom are enough to help me get by and when I have to come back, I crave it again. As weird as it sounds, I feel as if I get a broken heart when I come back from a trip away from here. It hurts so much, too. My chest starts to hurt and I get so heart broken. It’s such an odd thing to think about and it seems so weird writing it out. It would probably sound crazier if I said it, but it’s what I feel to be true. It’s such a hard thing to bear through, and I’m often described as someone who has wanderlust. I just hate being trapped. Emotionally, it’s even crazier. I’m stuck with my consistently racing thoughts from sun up to sun down. Sometimes, it’s so bad that sleep becomes a stranger to me. If I tell others this, I’d probably sound like I need to be institutionalized but this is how I view such things.