Author: Chloe Russell

It hurts worse when I talk to you.

Why won’t you just leave me alone?

You don’t want me to hate you.

Well, I don’t want to love you,

and if I don’t hate you,

then I will.

I am so tired.

Exhausted.

I want to sleep you away.

But when I wake up you are still in my head.

I wish I could just forget you,

all of the pieces,

everything I learned.

I don’t think those memories are worth this pain.

I haven’t cried in days,

but you say one word to me,

and here I am.

I’m so ready to be over you.

It hurts you are over me.

I want to be done.

I want to have the strength to not answer.

I want to have the strength to not talk to you.

I cant keep doing this.

I can’t.

I have been working on a new song. I wrote the basis of this shortly after my break up when I was at a really low point. These lyrics convey how I felt on those nights when I couldn’t sleep, when I wondered what I did wrong. This is still a work in progress, also it sounds better when it is sung, but these are the lyrics:

There’s a hole inside my heart,
it’s killing me, it’s tearing me apart.
There are bricks inside my chest
they weigh me down, won’t give me any rest.

I’m not saying my heart isn’t breaking
every time I look into your eyes
I’m not saying my soul isn’t shaken,
an aftermath of all of your lies.

I hate to say it, but you can’t kiss me anymore.
I hate the way that you taste when I’m not yours.
I just wish we could start over.

There are thoughts inside my head,
they keep me up, won’t give me any rest.
There are cracks within my bones,
it breaks me down to do this alone.

I’m not saying my heart isn’t breaking
every time I look into your eyes
I’m not saying my soul isn’t shaken,
an aftermath of all of your lies.

I hate to say it, but you can’t kiss me anymore.
I hate the way that you taste when I’m not yours.
I just wish we could start over.

Those are the first two verses and choruses. I will probably add some type of bridge in the near future. I’m super proud of myself for getting back into song writing because I had honestly dropped it for a while and I’m not sure why. It’s my favorite outlet for how I feel about things, and I think it is because it combines both of my passions. Thanks for reading!

Yay!! It’s October!! I love October, guys it is one of my most favorite months. It’s great because I always have a lot of shows in October. This time being Ole Brook, Atwood, and the Halloween show we have every year. Also, Halloween is amazing. I love dressing up and scaring little kids, and I love haunted houses and scary movies. Halloween is also the beginning of the holiday season, which means Christmas is getting closer.

Although I love the holiday season, I hate allergy season, and sadly these seasons come hand in hand. Right now, I am suffering through a cold and my throat is literally wrecked from all the singing I’ve been doing. Two performances are this weekend and I am praying that this goes away so I don’t sound like a dying animal on stage.

I’ve been looking up some remedies for a sore throat and I am going to try a lot of them tonight. One of the biggest tips I have found is to not talk. Which, is extremely hard for me. Not really because I talk all the time, but because every time tell myself I can’t do something it immediately makes me want to do it even more.

Anyways, if anyone has any tips for a sore throat, let me know because I need some help.

Hey!

So I am totally about to self advertise so here we go: OLE BROOK FEST!!!

I’m playing a few songs there with my band, The Upside. I’m super excited so you guys come on and watch. There are some other great people playing too but ya know.

Ole Brook is going to be so fun, I’m just hoping it isn’t hot. I mean, it will be October, but hey, this is Mississippi.

Also, there is a thing in Monticello called Atwood and I am playing there literally the day after Ole Brook and it doesn’t start until nine, but I am playing for a whole hour and I am super nervous.

I really need to get some outfits together for the events. I have like zero cute outfits though so that makes a great excuse for my mom to take me shopping.

That’s all! Bye!

Alright this is a review on The Fright’s new album Hypochondriac. (it’s great, just saying) you could read my overviews and opinions, or you could go listen to it or you could ignore this completely, up to you  

1. Tell Me Why I’m Okay: this song honestly may be triggering to some people. There is a lot of background sounds in this song that will bring images in your head. This song is very much about depression and paranoia. It is a good song though, if you can handle it.
2. CRUTCH: I love this song. It actually came out as a single before the album ever came out. Warning, it does have some screams and heavy guitar in it. This song is about the things he depends on to keep going, and he communicates that he wishes he didn’t have this crutch to lean on so that he could just be an independent person
3. Broken Brain:  The message of this song is about either a significant other or a friend who is saving him from himself. He says that he will be alright as long as he stays with this person, but it will take time to save him. This is about him being so weak then being able to come out and say all these things he wasn’t brave enough to do before. One line in the song says “I got tired of saying that I am fine.” which indicates that he did reach a point where he was honest. Great song.
4. Whatever: This is one of my top three on this album. It’s honestly so relatable. It is basically about his ex girlfriend and how he misses her, but he knows she isn’t what he needs because she hurts him. It is called ‘Whatever’ because he is giving up on trying with her. This song also references songs from their previous album that were about her. It even outright says her name in this song: Sara. Which, I am nearly 100 percent sure most of these songs are about her. This song has a lot of details in it as well, like how he is still messed up from when she said she didn’t love him thirty minutes before he had to go on stage and sing songs dedicated to her.
5. Over It: another one of my favorites for sure. This is another song about his ex, but in this she is trying to come back to him after she broke his heart. my favorite line in this is, “I don’t need to say what I said before, you never listen to me anyway, my voice is sore.” He also says he is still hurting even though he doesn’t want to, and he can’t take her back because she destroyed him and he can’t go through that again.
6. Me and We and I : this song is about self love. When it begins, he is telling a story about how he shaved his head because he was scared he was losing his hair and he didn’t want anyone to know. He talks about how he shouldn’t be so scared of what everyone will say, as long as he has got himself and the people who love him, he doesn’t need anyone else.
7. Goodbyes : Another in my top three because it is so ridiculously catchy and so sweet. This song is about how he finds another girl after he thought he had given up on love. (I’m guessing this song was written AFTER all the songs about his ex)He talks about how afraid he is to lose her because she has made him so happy. In the chorus he talks about how pathetic he is and how perfect she is. I love this song, someone please write a song like this for me lol.
8. Pills:  The sound starts off asking questions that are actually meant for himself. In the chorus, he comes out and says that he knows he is a lot to handle. He says “call me crazy, call me selfish, but I will carry these pills till the day I die. I will lose you, I might lose my mind, but I will carry these pills until the day I die.” so yeah, this song is about addiction and filling the voids in his life with these pills. He talks about how the need for it gets stronger at night. It is a good song, but you have to really listen to it to get the message.
9. No Place Like (Not Being) Home:  This song is actually really funny. I kind of see the beginning of this as him coming home from being on the road, and he feels like he never left, but then he gets to the chorus. He is counting road signs he doesn’t want to pass and he starts drinking because he is getting closer to home. He is saying he needs space and to be left alone. The message here is pretty clear, because well, it’s in the title. This song is about how he prefers traveling on the road with hardly any money than being home. This song has a really beachy tone to it and it really puts me in a great mood. Give it a listen.
10. Hold Me Down:  This song seems very personal and raw and I absolutely love that about it. It talks about how he has tried everything there is for him to try, and nothing is working so he has to stop because he is “tired of making out and never making up.” It’s about more than just this break up though, it is about all the things he went through with her, and he seems to be sort of thankful for it because he talks about how we have to make mistakes to live. He talks about how she always answers his calls, is there for him, and how with her he never felt so dumb and so cool. Despite all of the bad, he still sees her as his favorite part of himself. He says that he has lost so many friends, but he would do it all over again if it meant she would be with him again.
11. Alone:  This song is about how a girl is leaving him and he wishes he could leave too. He talks about how he thought he would scare her away but he didn’t. He says nowt that he is alone again,  now he is drunk and cold again. This song mentions a different name: ‘Kaylie’. But, neither one of the names mentioned could actually be the name of either of the girls this album is ,for the most part, centered around. Writers code names all the time. He says he never thought he would lose that friend, but he did. I really hope this song isn’t about the same girl “Goodbyes” is about because I love that song and it gave me hope so… Anyways, it goes on to talk about being in her apartment, seeing a gift that was his, and he realizes it never did belong to him, just as his heart had never belonged to him, and she has taken it all away. They share their last kiss before he leaves, but he says it didn’t feel the same. Then, surprisingly, she says “don’t change the words to this.” which was her saying she knew he was going to write a song about this and she didn’t want her words to be changed in the song, so he put her actual words in the song. I found that funny, but yeah this is a pretty great song, super personal.

BONUS SONGS FROM PREVIOUS ALBUMS: ‘She Makes Me’, ‘Tungs’, ‘You Are Going To Hate This’ and ‘Of Age’  (also great songs by The Frights)

Lately my mind has been running wild. I can’t think straight. I don’t know what I want and I really don’t know what I need.  Everything in me wants what I need to be him, but I know it’s not. I’m tired of being treated like dirt, I’m tired of forgiving him, I’m tired of encouraging him to be better when he won’t even listen.

My words don’t matter to him and I have to accept that. I’m not this thing that he can play with anymore. I am a person. I need to learn how to love myself more than I ever loved him. I know that I can do that. Eventually. Right now is just so hard.

I can’t force him to change, I can’t make him “better” and my thinking that is nothing short of naïve. I guess the reason why I can’t stop hurting is because I gave so much to him. I gave him everything. Yet, because of all this, I feel like it wasn’t enough. I feel like I’m not enough. I feel like I’ll never be enough for anyone.

I know I seem dramatic and immature, but he was my first love. He keeps coming back and messing with my head over and over and I never seem to learn my lesson. I know I have to be strong. I have to cut him off. I have to stop.

I just hate this feeling and I’m ready for it to go away. I hope one day I have someone who appreciates me and loves me as much as I love them. And if I don’t get that, I just hope that I can learn how to truly love myself and not have this need to have another person tell me my worth.

I feel like I’m falling to pieces.

I miss him, though I know I don’t need him.

Forcing myself to not text him

Or talk to him

Or think of him

Has proven itself harder than anything I’ve ever done.

I think what hurts the most

Is that losing me hasn’t hurt him

Or at least, it hasn’t yet.

I’m so tired of crying.

I’m so tired of this brick in my chest.

I can’t make any of it go away.

He was my world

And now he’s just gone,

Like he was never there to begin with.

And now I feel like I’m not good enough

And I wonder what makes her better than me.

Is it her laugh?

Her weight?

Do her eyes shine brighter than mine?

I don’t know.

All I know is

Is that this hurts

And that I want to go a little crazy.

Kiss so many different guys that I can’t even remember your name.

I’m ready for this to be over.

I watch your face mold into someone unrecognizable.

You have barely lived two decades,

yet I can see the wrinkles carved into your skin.

You are decomposing.

I can see the decaying heart lying limply in your chest.

Why are you letting yourself die?

You are allowing abusive words to riddle your ears.

Allowing dull daggers to pierce your heart until it has no will to beat.

You say you take life one day at a time;

some days are good and some are bad.

But we both know you don’t keep score.

Your clothes used to be tight.

Your lips used to hold a smile.

And had skin so smooth that words simply rolled off you.

Now you no longer live for yourself.

You live for the satisfaction of a man who does not cherish you;

one who does not love or embrace your unique qualities.

He ripped them from your mind and smashed them under his feet,

and left you an empty shell to live in.

No more thoughts for yourself,

no more nights of rest,

or a life full of love.

You are now a caged animal,

and there is no room on the streets for you.

Your mind is a danger to him,

for you may realize he doesn’t deserve you.

So you must stay locked away,

where the word ‘no’ does not exist,

and permission is an illusion.

Where opinions can only mirror his.

There is only one key to this cage,

and you have it.

So why will you not free yourself?

Do you not know that you have been trapped?

Or has your unconditional love blinded you from the truth?

Tell me,

Do you enjoy your prison?

Or do you imagine it is not there?

One day, perhaps, you will realize your value.

I hope that you do.

I hope that you escape.

Because I no longer recognize you.

Time is a strange concept;

we breathe in and out, then three seconds have already passed.

Then we do it again,

then again.

Until we have been breathing for ninety years,

and we are dead in a bed we have been in for three days.

No one has found us;

we are rotting next to piles of medication we take for all of our weaknesses.

Our time is up, and what have we done with it?

For many, the answer is nothing;

nothing but lie and cheat and steal and harass the people we claim to love.

I want to do something with my breath;

to breathe life into the mouths of those who are suffocating,

those who crave something more than the normal air.

I am so tired of this oxygen, it is suffocating me.

Someone please show how to live my time differently,

teach me how to show all my love, feel my hurt, hear my own voice.

I don’t want to rot in a lonely bed like the others often do.

I need my minutes to count,

to mean something.

I want to live like I am dying.

I like to feel nothing and everything all at once

I want to jump into the sun.

I want to feel the adrenaline

And the burn,

But never fear it.

I want to freefall from a cloud,

Feel the pressure of the wind,

And roll in the soft grass when I hit the ground.

I wish that gravity meant nothing,

nothing could pull me down to earth but myself.

That way I could float above the sinkholes

and hover over canyons.

I wouldn’t have to feel you anymore, either.

I wouldn’t have to feel the weight of your hand on my cheek,

my tears would drift away from my eyes,

and my heart would no longer be a brick in my chest.

Nothing would matter,

because I wouldn’t feel it.

I want to be suspended in space along with the moon

And if I fell with a shooting star,

At least I could make a wish.