This is my first post on this blog. There’s a lot of expectations for doing something the “first time,” whether by someone else or yourself.
Part of me is worried; I feel like I’ll start thinking too much and then I’ll never have this post done.
But another part of me is just telling me to go for it- to cast all my worries and doubts and anxiety aside and just do what I need to do.
Every day can be a struggle for someone like me. I care too much, yet I care too little as well. Does that make any sort of sense? I don’t really know.
But I’ve gotten off track. Like I always do with these kinds of things. I end up getting sidetracked by a tangent, and then I don’t remember what I was talking about in the first place. Right now is a prime example, really. I started off by voicing my concerns for having too much expectations for myself.
I feel like I think myself in circles. If I start thinking about my anxiety, I start focusing on it, and that just makes me more anxious. My expectations are too high for myself, I suppose. Or maybe they’re not high enough.
I could talk about all the times that I’ve had to things for the first time, or talk about all the times I’ve had too high expectations for myself; but I would just be distracting myself, and those who are reading this.
I don’t know.
I just want to remind myself that it’s okay to be anxious about doing something for the first time. That everyone feels this kind of anxiety at one point or another- that every person on the earth has had expectations put on themselves by others, or even themselves, like I do so often. I tell myself these things all the time, but I have a hard time listening to myself, even on my “good” days when my anxiety has thankfully left me alone for a little while.
I feel like I don’t listen to myself way too much for my own good. I tell myself, “Hey, you need to get up and go do things that are important,” but I usually end up ignoring it and then I’m rushing to go out the door in the morning. Maybe that’s the root of my anxiety. Maybe it’s just because I have a hard time doing things that are healthy for me to do. Maybe it’s all because I can’t just tell myself to not worry so much.
Or maybe it’s something I couldn’t escape, even if I tried.