maybe i should stop trying to make everything symbolic. it’s just snow. it’s not the universe’s way of telling me that something or someone is fading from my life, it’s just snow. it’s just a dirty puddle in the middle of my parents’ driveway that my sister’s car used to hover above, and it’s just an angry result of our ongoing climate crisis. nothing else,
and i wish that i could keep speaking those things into existence, but there’s always going to be a part of me that dies a little bit inside when i see the pinecone on my bedside table. it’s not a physical reflection of the final trip home before everything went to hell; it’s just a pinecone. it is prickly, not even pretty, and sometimes it hurts my fingertips when i go to pick it up, because it’s… a pinecone. i avoided them as a kid, and now i can’t even bring myself to dispose of one properly, because it’s symbolic,
but i should stop making everything into something it’s not. i should stop seeing memories in the window of my local trading post, because it’s just a gas station. it’s my first stop on the way back to school, and it’s my favorite place to get breakfast from in the morning; it’s not the first place we went in my hometown, it’s just a trading post. i keep telling myself that,
but there are still tire tracks in the dirt beside my house, and i don’t think they’ll come back any time soon after the next good rain. i’m sure my sobbing didn’t help the impressions such a small car was denting in my driveway, but i couldn’t help it. while i’ve been trying to reduce my metaphors to something less philosophical, i don’t think you can withdraw philosophy from the idea that the physical representation of my suffering contributed to the permanence of it,
but it snowed last week. and i haven’t been back home, but there are two parts of me right now. one of them is hoping that the weather has preserved all that’s left of a vehicle’s presence. the other is hoping that the melted tragedy takes the tire tracks with it, because it cannot bear to look at them any longer.
I know what you mean, some places just hold certain feelings.
never stop making everything symbolic. never. that is the beauty in life. it’s more than snow, it’s more than just a puddle. It is everything and anything you want/need it to be. this is so beautiful. its so sad, but its so beautiful. keep finding strength in pain baby :). I’m so proud of you for coping through writing, I love you.