as told by my recent blogs, these past few months have been a blur. obviously i’ve tried to focus on the positive, but by no means does that entail the evaporation of my ever-present Depression Demon. yes, he sneaks up on me at very inconvenient times: most recently, wednesday night. it was 10:28pm when mrs. holmes told me this was the last time i would ever get a cleaning night extension.
up until tonight, i had not washed my bed sheets or pillowcases for… an uncomfortable and undisclosed amount of time, mostly because you (yes, you reading this) would probably be disgusted and disappointed by the duration in which i slept on crumby sheets.
tonight, however, as my boyfriend snored (loudly) in the background of a facetime call, i washed and dried my sheets and pillowcases, put them on my bed, put up my clean laundry, gathered my dirty laundry into the hamper, organized my bookbag, cleaned my roommate’s desk, wrote two letters, washed all of my dishes, cleared off my own desk, digitally designed my planner spreads for the next three weeks, and set out an outfit for tomorrow morning. all of that, in addition to beginning this blog post.
as anyone knows, i could ramble on for days and days without a point, but today i will not. i will simply be informing the general population about what productivity feels like after being mentally and physically unable to do so for far too long. spoiler alert: the most overwhelming feeling is not relief, it’s disappointment.
because how could i have spent all this time, living in clutter, when it was just so easy for me to do it tonight? how is it that two days ago, i was turning my pillow over to the side that wasn’t drenched in tears, but tonight, i haven’t shed even one? how could i not have the energy to leave my (gross) dorm room for weeks in a row, except to go to required classes, but so easily do a month’s worth of work in less than 5 hours? it feels like an injustice and an inadequacy as a student, daughter, friend, and girlfriend.
of course, there’s the good feeling – that all of this is done, and it will feel great to wake up in a clean bed tomorrow morning, but eventually, the good will dwindle back down into another spiral. and so, the cycle repeats. barely getting by, then thriving. then back to barely getting by.
I feel this so much, it’s ok to not be productive all the time Kit, mental illness is real and a big obstacle sometimes.