when the world didn’t end by Caroline Kaufman is a poetic book full of deep thoughts the break and then mend your heart. When I got this book, I was drawn in by the title. It told me that the poems inside would somehow tell a story about healing. We all know the pain that feels like everything is over, the moment I read the title, I knew this was going to put that pain into words and go beyond. The poetry is a journey toward strength and acceptance of one’s self and past.
The book is separated into three parts: what was, what could have been, and what became. The author chooses not to use capitalization in most of her titles; I find this interesting, as I could not quite find the reasoning behind this choice, but I also found it satisfying to look at. It also made all the problems she wrote about seem small in a way. I was fully aware of the seriousness of the content, but perhaps the point was that all problems are small once you get passed them.
what was
This part of the book was the capturing of suffering. She discusses rape, heartbreak, depression, self-harm, coming of age, the struggle with sexuality, body dysmorphia, insecurities, peer-pressure, and how you lose yourself in the midst of all these things. Below are some of my favorite quotes from this section of the book.
“Survival was the only outcome we weren’t prepared for.”
“The universe is infinite, and still, I occupy too much of it.”
“I made a career out of never letting go.”
“You’re getting good at remembering to say just kidding at the end of every self-deprecating joke.”
what could have been
This portion of the book is more of the “what if’s” thoughts. What if that person had loved me back? What if I was never depressed? What if I was smarter? What if I chose better people to surround myself with? What if I never read poetry? What if I never became a writer? What if?
“How do we forgive ourselves for all the things we did not become?”
“Maybe I will not focus on the complicated at all.”
“You are not a gentle tune. You are not a lullaby no matter how many times I fall asleep thinking of you.”
“When I tell you I am passionate, I mean that I am suffering.”
what became
The last part of the book is all about healing. This captures the soul of accepting that you can’t change the cards you’ve been dealt, but you can embrace them. You can turn them into something beautiful, and you can grow from them. The story doesn’t end with your pain.
“Sometimes I’ve found that loss can be a synonym for growth.”
“It is hard to forgive without an apology, but I am trying to do it anyway. Not because you deserve the forgiveness, but because I deserve to move on.”
“I am not the house cat- I am the lioness. And If you try to cross me? I will not hesitate to bite you back.”
“Is this longing for the childhood I can never get back? Or is this hope for the person I will become?”
Kaufman captured her journey in a painfully beautiful and relatable way. I would love to ask her questions about her easily appreciated unique formatting. Her strange and whimsical ideas to depict emotions and carry out her story are far-fetched and heart-wrenching at the same time. I deeply recommend her work to any modern poetry lover.
Last Poem:
“every minute I have on this earth
is borrowed time.
I fought for it,
almost died for it,
and won it back.
I deserve to spend it
doing what I love.
I deserve to spend it
with the people I love.
and most of all,
I deserve to spend it
loving myself.”
Yes, you do Caroline Kaufman. In fact, we all do.