Jawbreaker

So there’s this tag, that I thought that I would answer the questions from. I wanted to write some cool, funky, fresh intro but honestly the questions and answers should speak for themselves if I write this well enough. Here’s the website I got it from: https://www.themessyheads.com/new-gallery-2

Who are you when no on is looking?

A slower, less emotive version of myself. When no one is looking it’s almost like I stop emoting. Not because I don’t have emotions, but more of because when I emote I have to think so much about it, because I always want to make sure that I’m a certain version of myself. It changes with the certain people I’m with. I think the closest version of myself to if no one was looking is the self I’m with when I’m with my friend Cady. My state when no one is looking could be described as comfortable silence. 

What does it mean to be you? 

I can’t tell if this means like ME, Emerson Moffatt Hultman, or just someone in general. Since I’m me, I’ll answer how to be me. Around people, the key is being energetic, verging on ditsy. I know people would never say it but I think a good descriptor of me is ditsy even though I’m really not. Just a lil’ airheaded. But the other side is inquisitive! Surprisingly, I have a lot of thoughts and questions inside this head. I think to be me is a balance of being lively and more gentle. 

How might friends describe you?

I already kind of said this, but ditsy, for sure. Lovable. Child-like. Needs to be protected. I don’t know, that’s how I feel like people view me. Maybe that’s just the youngest child in me, but I feel like people always have this want to protect me. Like a puppy you found on the side of the road. Which don’t get me wrong I like being cared for sometimes, but I also don’t want to lose any respect because of this. I can make my own decisions. I have thoughts that could maybe mean something. I feel like the person I display sometimes comes off as too dumb sometimes.

How does that differ from who you actually are?

I mean I am those things, but I think my real self is just wiser than one might thing. And maybe that’s extremely egotistical of me to think. Maybe I am just a child growing up that doesn’t know much, but a part of me believes that I have thoughts that are growing into something meaningful. Maybe that small part is the real me. 

Talk about your hardships.

I have negative EIGHT vision, which means without glasses or contacts I’m very blind. My dog Libby is almost fourteen meaning, she is close to death. My house burned down when I was three, right after my parents separated. I’ve done a lot of things for people I love, and despite those efforts they haven’t been enough. The other day I tripped on a rug and almost fell flat on my face. I failed two Zoology tests in a row. These aren’t it, but dang I can’t share all my trials and tribulations just yet.

Do you think you know yourself right now?

Not at all. I think for the first time in my life I’m learning to, but just because I’m learning doesn’t mean I KNOW KNOW. Not yet. 

What are you passionate about?

Photography, writing, and animals. Hence my want to be a wildlife photographer/wildlife photojournalist; haven’t really decided yet. I thought growing up I would HAVE to be a vet if I wanted to work with animals, but that’s not the case at all. It might seem like a weird thing to want to be, but I think it fits me so well. Which may be wrong since I don’t know myself too well yet. 

How do you think about where you grew up?

I grew up in two different parts of Mississippi: Ecru and Oxford. These two are polar opposites. Ecru is too close minded for me. It’s the typical small, southern, baptist town stereotype. Then in sixth grade, I moved to Oxford. While I love Oxford, and it’s such a progressive, lovely town, I think for teens it can be extremely toxic. I describe the high-school life there, as “pre-college.” There’s this even bigger need to feel older and be a college kid since it’s a college town, and I think it’s a real problem for it’s students. 

Talk about a moment that changed you.

I’m not going to go into detail, but sitting in my best friend’s car one night, I just asked her a question, and she answered, and then there was silence. And I think her support and love really changed me in that moment. I could feel it in the silence in the car. 

What is your greatest attribute?

I love hard. For most people. I think this to me translates into me being easy-going, but really I just don’t want conflict, and want people to be happy. Maybe this isn’t a great attribute for m e, but it helps others, and that’s okay with me. 

What is your biggest accomplishment?

Getting through the worst part of my life in one piece. September-December of 2018 was so mentally difficult, but somehow I managed to get all A’s and make friends and learn to be kind to myself, and I’m so proud that I did that. It’s not easy still, but I did it!!!

What is your biggest failure?

Letting myself go Sophomore year. I didn’t do the things I should have to pull me through and make the grades I should have, and I regret it a lot. I think I blame my mental illness too much on it. I wish I would have kept my grades up. I felt like the school year of 2017-2018 was a stagnant growing year and I hate that.  

Do you love yourself if not, why not?

I don’t. There’s so many factors that play into that. Appearance, personality, etc. I think that it’s possible for others to love themselves, and maybe even it’s just a love they’re born with, not a journey they have to go on. I’d for sure have to go on a journey to love myself, and it’s just not on the top of my to-do list right now. I’m trying to focus on getting through to summer while spending as much time with my friends before they graduate. Maybe this summer will be the summer I get around to finding myself and loving myself, but that’s a really big task. Rewarding, but daunting.

Do you believe in yourself?

Depends on what I’m doing. I know I can write a killer essay, but I also know that I can’t solve an algebraic equation to save myself. So, yes, I believe in myself to a certain extent. 

What is your first thought in the morning?

I honestly don’t think I start actually thinking until afternoon, so N/A is my answer.

Who are you at the core of yourself?

How can I know that if I haven’t even found myself yet? Geesh. 

What are you trying to do with your life?

Survive until at LEAST 24. 

What advice do you have to give?

Not only know the difference between Love and Infatuation, but learn how to know if someone else has Love for you or Infatuation for you. 

Have you found yourself?

This question seems redundant. Maybe not. Maybe knowing yourself and finding yourself are different things, but no to both. 

What does society prevent you from being?

I honestly don’t think society is what’s holding me back, I think it’s just me. Do I count as society in this instance? 

Everyone i meet knows something I do not. what do you know that I don’t?

A tree fell in my backyard, and took down an entire post. No one noticed. I only figured it out because my dog, Sarah, kept getting out of the fence and I had to figure out where she was getting out. A whole tree in my backyard. Not a single soul noticed. People are so oblivious to their own surroundings. They’re missing so much. 

What code of morals do you live by?

Do things because a better outcome will come for others, not for yourself. This might be bad advice but that’s how I try to live. 

What do others assume about you because of your appearance?

I have no substance to me. I’m NoT lIkE oThEr GiRlS!!!!!!