i don’t know what i’m doing but god i’m trying

so like. life is exhausting. what can ya do.

a lot of things are going on all at once, and my brain can’t quite figure out how to process them.

my brain’s been like this for a while. four years, at least.

like, i used to look forward to learning how to drive and going out with my friends and planning what my sweet 16 would be like and going to college and becoming a doctor or something like that.

i used to be ambitious. used to have a drive and a passion for my future. the things idolized by tv shows used to actually be exciting to me.

then i found myself at a point where i wasn’t thinking about my future because i didn’t think i’d make it there.

i’ve gotten out of that point, thankfully, but the feeling still remains. the complete lack of understanding, the loss of ambition.

the future started to scare me. it still does, sometimes. the future means leaving monotony behind, abandoning the routine i’ve come to depend on in the past four years.

familiarity, get me through the day.

i have no idea what i want to do with my life because i thought it would be over by now.

i’ve managed to dig myself into this hole of complete and utter fear of the future. my mom is researching colleges for me because she knows how badly it stresses me out. i never really looked into colleges, never submitted my act scores to any schools, never did anything for my future.

and now i’m going through lists of schools that offer the majors i want and planning college tours this summer.

this is the future. this is what i didn’t think i’ve ever see. and thinking i’d never see it meant figuring i didn’t need to worry about it.

so now all of the worry that should’ve been building up gradually over the past few years has slammed onto my desk like mountains of paperwork at a cubicle desk. it’s all coming at me faster and faster than i can handle it.

but i think i like it? i think i’m excited for it?

all i know – all i’ve ever really known – is that i want to write. i want to be an author. i want to write books that affect kids the same way they affected me. i want to create something that’s there for somebody, something that inspires.

i’m sure i’ll figure it out eventually.

these things just take time i don’t have.

Author: Madison Cox

madison: known for being very loud and very short and also a little sad. finally embraced her inner hipster. typically can be found listening to music or writing something. very fond of sweaters, hugs, and chucks. thinks capital letters are overrated. enjoys typing like a child but speaking like an adult. really wants to write books one day.

One thought on “i don’t know what i’m doing but god i’m trying”

  1. I think everybody tends to feel this particular way, actually. At least, I do. I am super glad you are excited for the future though, as everyone should be. It is always full of really mysterious and wonderful opportunities ( so I’ve heard).

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