Sometimes i reach for things. i reach and i reach. And If i’m too short, i’ll stretch, i’ll climb. The distance will grow between my feet and where i started, yet i don’t like heights. i’m terrified. And, no. it’s not like i’m scared of hitting the ground, smashing myself into a million pieces. Don’t say that, because it’s not true. i am the one who is scared of falling, of feeling that sudden drop. It’s easier, i think, to just climb to the ground and hit myself against it instead. i do.
Trust me, i’d rather do this than have no grasp, no control, and nothing but friction-less air around me. That makes me feel guilty.
I know that hitting is inevitable. So, i’ll do it myself. Others might stare and ask if i’m okay or if i have a purpose. Maybe they try to help. Sometimes it offers some comfort. But mostly, i just want to bang my head against the ground until my nose bleeds. i want to walk around, bloody nose, raw forehead, and not be asked if i need help or if i’m ok. Do you hear me?
i want to be outwardly bloody, but i don’t want people to see. i want to show what a mass murder i am feeling that day, but not be questioned then or the next day.
This is the bottom. Just please don’t feed the fish. Because one flake turns to two and it eventually won’t be enough. They crave flesh, ya know? They aren’t the innocent little goldfish you see from the surface. So, please don’t reach below into that water. It’s acid.
One day, i will sleep here. That will be my home. I just hope that it doesn’t last too long. Even I will dissipate in those waters. Those fish are the worst, though, nibbling at you until you churn. They only get worse if you fight.
They turn to piranhas who turn into sharks. Please, just don’t let them get bigger. They’ll be killer whales, surrounding me in black and white: playing with me until i am soft and peeling at the edges. Flakes fizzing into nothing–that’s what i’ll be.
Excuse me, i’ve got to get out of here. it’s too dark. i’ve got to climb that ladder, but i’m afraid of reaching the top. I fear it is too soon that i will have to come down. i just don’t want to fall.
i really enjoyed this piece, and i get a sense of helplessness reading it (and i’m intrigued by the lowercase i)
I felt like I was watching you dig your way out of a hole just to go back in because you were afraid of falling again. It’s kinda really sad and relatable, which I enjoy coming from you because I feel like we hardly ever get to see it.