I wrote this while listening to a song titled “Rope” by DED, and it includes the line, “I’m not afraid of you, I’m afraid of what I might do.” This made me realize that I feel the exact same way for people in my life.
It’s always been difficult for me to make new friends or converse with people I have not known for a number of years, and I used to tell myself that was because I was terrified of other people. But I realize now that the real truth is that I was scared to get closer to people and open up to them and do something stupid like – I don’t know – trusting them? Letting them in and telling them everything about me and getting attached as I have found that I always seem to do? I’m afraid of what I may or may not do to those people I have grown close to because I have realized from past experiences that things are bound to go wrong at some point, and the end is usually not too far from the downfall. I’m scared of getting too close and being absolutely devastated when they decide to move on – of attaching my rope to them, only to have them tear it to shreds before the knot is completely tied. I always thought that I was afraid of them, but as it turns out, I’m afraid of the possibility of being deeply affected by their leaving my side – of over-reacting to a simple turn of their backs and wave of the hands.
I am terrified of people leaving me. Terrified of eating meals alone and being deprived of human interaction, which takes about a day to occur in my mind. If someone does not want to speak to me or spend just a millisecond of their time with me, then I immediately feel as though I have done something wrong to upset them and that I should try and figure out what it was that I did to try and make it better because I absolutely hate having people I care for not care for me in return. I always feel over-attached and as though my emotions are simply far too much that any other person would be willing to withstand.
Over the last couple of months, I have been on a roller-coaster of believing things are getting better and deciding they are only getting worse. I thought coming here would give me new friends, new opportunities to branch outside of the shell I have been hiding in for the last five years of my life. And it did exactly that for a bit. I was becoming part of a small group of people I was content with. But then, something happened – as usual, right? – and being the new addition, I began to feel as though I was being cast out. And honestly, it’s getting to the point where I’m not too sure what I can do anymore and so I just decide that staying away is best. So that’s what I’m doing.