when the world didn’t end

when the world didn’t end by Caroline Kaufman is a poetic book full of deep thoughts the break and then mend your heart. When I got this book, I was drawn in by the title. It told me that the poems inside would somehow tell a story about healing. We all know the pain that feels like everything is over, the moment I read the title, I knew this was going to put that pain into words and go beyond. The poetry is a journey toward strength and acceptance of one’s self and past.

The book is separated into three parts: what waswhat could have been, and what became. The author chooses not to use capitalization in most of her titles; I find this interesting, as I could not quite find the reasoning behind this choice, but I also found it satisfying to look at. It also made all the problems she wrote about seem small in a way. I was fully aware of the seriousness of the content, but perhaps the point was that all problems are small once you get passed them.

what was

This part of the book was the capturing of suffering. She discusses rape, heartbreak, depression, self-harm, coming of age, the struggle with sexuality, body dysmorphia, insecurities, peer-pressure, and how you lose yourself in the midst of all these things. Below are some of my favorite quotes from this section of the book.

“Survival was the only outcome we weren’t prepared for.”

“The universe is infinite, and still, I occupy too much of it.”

“I made a career out of never letting go.”

“You’re getting good at remembering to say just kidding at the end of every self-deprecating joke.”

 

what could have been

This portion of the book is more of the “what if’s” thoughts. What if that person had loved me back? What if I was never depressed? What if I was smarter? What if I chose better people to surround myself with? What if I never read poetry? What if I never became a writer? What if?

“How do we forgive ourselves for all the things we did not become?”

“Maybe I will not focus on the complicated at all.”

“You are not a gentle tune. You are not a lullaby no matter how many times I fall asleep thinking of you.”

“When I tell you I am passionate, I mean that I am suffering.”

 

what became

The last part of the book is all about healing. This captures the soul of accepting that you can’t change the cards you’ve been dealt, but you can embrace them. You can turn them into something beautiful, and you can grow from them. The story doesn’t end with your pain.

“Sometimes I’ve found that loss can be a synonym for growth.”

“It is hard to forgive without an apology, but I am trying to do it anyway. Not because you deserve the forgiveness, but because I deserve to move on.”

“I am not the house cat- I am the lioness. And If you try to cross me? I will not hesitate to bite you back.”

“Is this longing for the childhood I can never get back? Or is this hope for the person I will become?”

 

Kaufman captured her journey in a painfully beautiful and relatable way. I would love to ask her questions about her easily appreciated unique formatting. Her strange and whimsical ideas to depict emotions and carry out her story are far-fetched and heart-wrenching at the same time. I deeply recommend her work to any modern poetry lover.

Last Poem:

“every minute I have on this earth

is borrowed time.

I fought for it,

almost died for it,

and won it back.

 

I deserve to spend it

doing what I love.

I deserve to spend it

with the people I love.

 

and most of all,

I deserve to spend it

loving myself.”

 

Yes, you do Caroline Kaufman. In fact, we all do.

I watched the forbidden movie

cats, 2019.

Yes, it’s true. I sat in a theater for roughly two hours to see my favorite Broadway stars, singers, and late night show hosts fight each other to the death… for a chance at death.

I knew this movie would be good when I heard the woman sitting next to me attempt to stifle her profuse sobbing as Jennifer Hudson sang “memory”. At some point, she just let it all out. I feel for this woman, and I truly do wish I could have done something to comfort her. This is dedicated to you, sobbing woman in the theater.

I had been in the room for about half an hour when I let out my first audible “Huh?”

Munkustrap was singing about Jennyanydots in an attempt to explain cat heaven to Victoria, and suddenly, Rebel Wilson unzipped her cat body to reveal her SECOND cat body, which was the exact same, but with a vest. I don’t think that this was unusual for Jennyanydots as a character– Even in the stage play she rips off like two cat bodies until shes down to her normal suit. I love theater.

But, still, that was my first “huh?” moment.

The scene “Plato and Victoria” was cut out in replacement for a longer scene of “The Jellicle Ball.” You may ask, Kerri, how do you feel about this?

I understand WHY, 

I understand the reasoning behind this. Still, I do hate that such an iconic scene had to be removed. I can still appreciate the fact I could stare at Skimbleshanks in the background for a good amount of time. Boy could dance. Every time, and I do mean Every Single Time he was on screen, I found myself staring at him. The reason for this? This cat wore the brightest pair of red pants I have ever seen in my seventeen years of living. It’s impressive in a way.

The music was, overall, pretty great! I enjoyed most of the songs in their modernized form.  My personal favorite was the old-timey version of “Mungojerrie and Rumpleteazer” that got revamped. There were a few weeks where I really had to ponder if I was okay with them using that version of the song as opposed to the 1982 version. I am, it’s absolutely great. MungoJerrie and Rumpleteazer were probably the least terrifying looking cats in this film.

My opinion on the CGI– It’s not as bad as I was told it would be. Truthfully, it really didn’t bother me at all. It was interesting to watch! Of course, I still have a preference to the hand-painted cat suits that look ever-so-stunning on stage. The technology that went into making everything move the way that it did. I’ve never seen anything quite like it.

Still my personal favorite costumes

One of my least favorite things was the absence of Sillabub. While it is fitting that Victoria be the one to first accept Grizabella, Sillabub still rightfully holds that title in my heart. I think the movie lost something special by removing her.

Overall, I think it’s worth a watch! It’s a very surreal experience, one everyone should have at some point in their life.

 

 

Rockstars Are Just Babies In Leather Pants

The Dirt: a biographical novel written (majorly) by the members of one of the world’s most notorious rock bands: Mötley Crüe. 

Perhaps you’ve never heard of them, but I’m sure you’ve heard a song or two without realizing it. Maybe “Smokin’ In The Boys’ Room”, “Girls, Girls, Girls” , “Looks That Kill” or “Dr. Feelgood.” These songs have put people in a rock n’ roll attitude for decades now, and there was a time when the bandmates themselves eat, slept, and breathed rock. 

How would you describe a rocker?  A greasy dude with long hair, a guitar, and a bad attitude? You’re missing a few key aspects: mental illness, drug abuse, alcohol abuse, sex addictions, violence, and flat out immortality. For some that’s all apart of the image, but for Mötley Crüe, it’s a lifestyle. 

It’s difficult to know where to begin as I sit here, thinking of the surplus amount of life-sentence-worthy information. I’m not saying they were bad people, I’m just saying they were bad people. Does that make sense? I’ll shed some light. 

Nikki Sixx was tossed around like a rag doll for most of his life; one minute spent chasing the love of a selfish mother, the next spent with grandparents, all the while weaving a nearly unbreakable web of anger, abuse, and self destruction. Nikki didn’t know how to love for a long time, he’d never been taught how to. The only thing he knew was drugs and sex and music; the only consistencies that he’d ever known. As a result, he treated people horribly- betraying his friends and lovers and family. He was so messed up on heroin, he didn’t go to his own grandmothers funeral- the only woman who had shown him what a mother could be. He was violent, relentless, and a real jerk. He had to die, twice, before he turned his life around. Though, not much better can be said for the rest of them.  

Vince Neil is the lead singer. He broke so many hearts that one of them didn’t try to murder him. Honestly, Vince is really secretive about his background. He doesn’t say much about how he grew up or where he came from, he just picks up where the band starts. I don’t imagine he had a very healthy home life. He was really bitter as a young adult, and numb to any feeling of true affection for a woman. I wonder what happened to him when he was a child- what turned off those switches in his head. I guess that’s something he doesn’t want the world to know. What I do know about Vince is that he is so very dramatic (though they all are). He once got mad while backstage because someone had given him the wrong kind of mayonnaise; he angrily flung it against the wall, where it ricocheted back at him and sliced the top part of three of his fingers. He had to be air lifted to a specialist so that he could get his hand sewn back together before the show. Drama. Freaking. Queen. I will hand to him that he went through a lot of hard times; he was drunk driving one night, wrecked, and killed his friend. It was an accident, but he was arrested for manslaughter and spent about thirty days in jail. A regular person would have had to stay much longer, but money rules the world so I don’t expect any less. His band mates outcasted him, which isn’t fair because it could have easily been any of them. Nikki especially, considering how bad his heroin addiction was at that point.  

Tommy Lee is my favorite person in the whole world. He is the drummer and kind of an idiot. Or at least he was. No offense, but a lot of boys are idiots before they become men, so I don’t hold it against him. I figure he probably had the most stable family. His parents loved each other, they were somewhat financially stable, they encouraged him, showed him love. His fatal flaw, though, is his hopeless romance streak. He always has to be in love with someone, so I’m not sure if he can ever really tell when he’s actually feeling it or if he’s just making himself. I relate to him a lot because of his steady family and nice upbringing, but his choice to hang around people who others of his degree may not have. Tommy made horrible decisions, especially with Nikki involved. Tommy fed off of his energy, and became a chaotic burst of fire. I understand that because no matter where your born or who your born to or how you were raised, if you are born with a streak of recklessness, it’s going to come out, one way or another. Tommy was on and off with drug addiction; he’d get better, fall off, get better, fall off- he ruined his marriage, went to jail, and fell to the absolute bottom emotionally. He came back up, with the help of those who loved him. 

Finally, Mick Mars. Mick Mars deserves a lot more credit than he gets- he’s in constant pain because of a disease he has called ankylosing spondylitis. A definitive bone disease that effects all the ligaments and joints that allow the spine to move. Over the years, it hardens like cement, slowly pulling its victim to the ground. Mick stayed out of the trouble for the most part; he never got deep into drugs like the other members did. He was a quiet guy, kind of a push over, but he’s honestly the strongest guy in that band. No one talks about him much, and I think that’s unfair, because he’s literally one of the best guitarist to ever exist. Mick really did have a drinking problem- one caused by unfathomable physical pain and built up emotional turmoil. He made himself stop, and without all the help from therapist like the other members had. Do I think that’s healthy for his mental stability? No, of course not, but he’s a good bit older that the other guys, and grew up in a time where he was taught: “when it’s time to be a boy, be a boy. When it’s time to be a man, be a man.” 

These guys really went through the depths heck and came back to tell the story. All of them have children, and most are married or have been married. I hope their happier than they were. They are going on tour again this year, same members, same stories. I don’t think there’s much that’s cooler than that.  

Looking For Alaska

Wow, so I haven’t done much reading lately. Especially considering the fact that I went from having two off blocks last semester, to having none at all. Time to do my everyday tasks has been limited; however, I have been able to read a little bit of the book, Looking for Alaska, written by John Green.

The book isn’t set up like normal books with normal chapters. It has a chapter-like set up, but instead of it reading “chapters” it says something like “128 days before” and so on. When I first picked up the book, this really sparked my interest because in my mind, I was thinking “before what,” so I think that Green did an amazing job at reeling the reader in with that.

128 days before

Within this first “chapter” the reader is introduced to the main character of the book, Miles. Miles is described as an “unpopular” teenage boy who lives in Florida. In the first chapter the reader is told that Miles is planning to soon go to a boarding school in Alabama. His parents throw him a going-away-party, however, no one shows up.

After reading this chapter, I noticed that the writing style was very familiar. Mind you, I didn’t look to see who the author was before I started reading it. I got about half way through the chapter and then realized that the author was John Green. It all made sense why his style of writing seemed so familiar; it’s because it was! I had read a few of his books in my early high school years. He definitely sticks to his unique voice in Looking for Alaska.

128 days before

In the next chapter, Miles begins his journey to the boarding school he will soon start attending. The reader is then introduced to Miles’ roommate, Chip. Chip is a very well developed character. Right off the bat, he tells Miles the “rules” of the dorm and the do’s and don’ts. After settling in, Chip takes Miles to meet a girl named Alaska. Miles is faced with an immediate attraction to her.

In this chapter I realized that “Alaska” which is in the title of the book, is an actual person. This got me even more engaged in the book due to the fact that I wanted to know why someone was looking for her.

The writing of the two chapters is very descriptive and entertaining. If I had the time, I know that it would be very hard for me to put down. I expect to finish this book soon, but as of now, I’m really enjoying it and enjoying the content.

A Silent Voice *Spoilers*

A Silent Voice is a movie written by Reiko Yoshida and directed by Naoko Yamada about a young girl by the name of Shouko Nishimiya who was relentlessly bullied in school by a young boy, Shoya Ishida. Years later, Shoya meets Shouko again. He desperately wants to make amends after spending years of not being able to look at people and feeling as if those around him were judging him relentlessly. The movie beautifully portrays the determination of shaping trust and building friendship despite the struggles and obstacles that may come about through that journey. 

The plot line is a very intense one, throwing many fans through loops and an emotional roller coaster that no one honestly expected. They utilize the typical “mean girl” stereotype that are usually in the stories like these. There are characters they make you learn to hate by their voices alone. For examples, a character by the name of Naoka Ueno threatened Shouko continuously for hanging out with Shoya causing Shouko to be too scared to talk to him. Shoya, the typical bully who has found some type of solace, makes the audience emotionally confused because of the fact that they don’t know whether to hate him for the terrible things he did to Shouko, or forgive him because he is trying to make up for what he’d done. 

Shouko, though the typical innocent girl, came with many surprises along the way. With Shouko being deaf, she cannot speak that well. However, in many of the more intensely emotional parts, she uses her voice to talk to Shoya and express how she feels. Hearing her struggling with her words and emotions makes the movie very hard to watch without shedding some tears. She even goes as far as attempting to end her life because she feels that her disability is a weakness and a hindrance to everyone’s life around her. 

I think of this movie as a PSA, as well. It really portrays the struggle of someone with a disability and it’s sad to say that a lot of things that happened in the movie could definitely be something that happens in reality. People with physical disabilities are often discriminated against more than one would think. Countless times, people have been mocked for the way they talk and their mannerisms all because they are different. Shoya was cruel to Shouko when they were younger when all Shouko wanted was to be friends with him. The theme behind the movie is practically ‘do unto others as you would want them to do unto you’ or even ‘respect those who are different from you’. The movies shows that karma will come back to you when you are cruel to people and you can either run from fixing that situation, or you can pay the price and make the amends that you should. 

Overall, the movie was beautiful. The animation and art captures the audience in the way a fantasy would. The audience are always immersed and it is a movie that will have you at the edge of your seat. 

The Universe of Us

I just got done reading this book, and I’d be lying if I said it was any different than amazing. I’ve always loved poetry books, but I believe this one is my new favorite. It had versatility to the point where I believe absolutely anyone could relate to at least one of the poems.

The Universe of Us, written by Lang Leav is a book filled with poetry of all different tones. Some of them are sad, happy, and even angry.

One of my favorite poems was A Premonition on page 117.

It reads, “There are some people who you look at, and you can just tell how their story will end. I don’t know what it is; they have everything going for them, yet it will never be enough. But when I look at you, I just know instinctively, that despite the odds against you and although life will always find a way to test you, someday you’ll have everything you want. Your ending will be a happy one.”

This piece in particular really resonated with me due to the fact that I could relate to it heavily. Throughout my own life, I have had so many doors blocking my path, and to get through them, I had to figure a few things out and be smart about it. This piece was very motivational, and when I read it, it seemed as though I was meant to read it right then.

Another piece that stood out to me was Her Time on page 63.

It read, “She has been feeling it for awhile–that sense of awakening. There is a gentle rage simmering inside her, and it is getting stronger by the day. She will hold it close to her– she will nurture it and let it grow. She won’t let anyone take it away from her. It is rocket fuel and finally, she is going places. She can feel it down to her very core– this is her time. She will not only climb mountains–she will move them too.”

First, I’d like to point out Lang’s use of hyphens. It’s very interesting how and where she placed them. She only used them in sentences that started with “She has,” “She can,” or “She will.” She uses them when the character is doing something. Lang follows the dash with a clarification of the statement before it. It almost gives off a “cause and effect” sense. Overall, I loved her use of the hyphens, and I believe it really added to the overall tone of the piece.

Today, on page 25, I have to say, is my favorite within the entire collection.

It reads, “Today I am not in my skin. My body cannot contain me. I am spilling out and over, like a rogue wave on the shore. Today I can’t keep myself from feeling like I don’t have a friend in the world. And no matter how hard I try, I can’t seem to pick myself up off the floor. My demons are lying in wait, they are grinning in the shadows, their polished fangs glinting, knowing today, it will be an easy kill. But tomorrow, tomorrow could be different, and that is what keeps me going today.”

This piece reminds me of the feeling of hope. Within the text you see someone speaking from the first person. They are explaining their physical struggles in a moment of despair, and how they feel as though they can’t continue. But, the last sentence, and it’s my favorite, reads, “But tomorrow, tomorrow could be different, and that is what keeps me going today.” This entire sentence is a sentence of hope. Even though the character is surrounded by disaster, they are continuing because they have hope that tomorrow is a better day.

The Universe of Us by Lang Leav is overall an amazing and inspiring collection of literary pieces. I encourage anyone looking for a good book to read right before you go to bed, to check this one out. You won’t regret it, and you will most definitely be enlightened by a multitude of motivation and inspiration.

Jada

This month, with the help of my sweet junior, Stephyne Weathersby, I chose to review Jada by Tupac. I highly recommend everyone retrieve the poem book, “The Rose that Grew from Concrete”. The poem Jada reads:

JADA

u R the omega of my Heart

The foundation 4 my conception of Love

when I think of what a Black woman should be

it’s u that I First think of

 

u will never fully understand

How Deeply my Heart Feels 4 u

I worry that we’ll grow apart

and I’ll never end up losing u

 

u bring me 2 climax without sex

and u do it all with regal grace

u R my Heart in Human Form

a Friend I could never replace

 

First, I would like to acknowledge that the poem speaks volumes on pure friendship. I truly admire how he was able to express his undying love for a person he has no desire to be with romantically. Anytime this is successfully done, I think it was one of the most beautiful things I could ever see. Him writing in what we call “text talk” captures the pure innocence of their relationship. But, I do enjoy the fact that he capitalized on the letters of the most important words in the poem. Because of this, the words that evoked emotion stuck with me. After reading this, I had a new found love and respect for platonic relationships. The metaphors he used to describe how severely he loved and appreciated her were perfect. They were some of what a married couple or puppy love staged relationship would be, but using them in a different context was genius.

Having something like this to keep in remembrance of Tupac, along with his legacy, is priceless. All generations should be familiar with who he was, what he stood for, and the creative approaches he took to get his point across.

 

Khaos

I have been reading this book almost all nine weeks, I’m pretty sure. The app I read it on is called Radish, and it has a system where readers can either wait x amount of time to read a chapter or they can use coins. I’m broke, so I wait every two days to read this book. Chloe has heard me rant about Khaos several times because of its contents. 

Before I begin, there are several warnings that go along with this book. Are you ready? Too bad.

Khaos has mentionings of rape, murder, physical and mental abuse, and probably some other things that I don’t know about because I have not finished it yet. In case you could not tell, it is definitely not school appropriate, but I’ll skirt around most of that stuff; however some of it is essential to the plot.

Audrey “Jamie” Seo has been on the run from her exceedingly abusive and possesive ex-husband, Julian, who happens to be the heir to some Russian mafia.  She crashes in a small town and meets this man named Khaos who saved her from a possible rape. Turns out, Khaos was a member of a cult called Right Way and was one of the four Horsemen. Wild. They move in together because Audrey wants extra protection from Julian. That’s all you’re getting from me because I don’t want to spoil everything.

Now for the grittier stuff. The author has this magical way of making everything in the story feel real. And it’s awful. If you’re empathetic or just emotional, you probably shouldn’t read it because you will feel everything. Audrey often has flashbacks of her relationship with Julian and something about it is so immersive. The author makes it obvious who is meant to be the villain and who is the hero, so that makes it so much easier to hate Julian. He’s done plenty of horrid things to Audrey and even strangers when it came to her. At one point, she remembers going to a restaurant with Julian and talking to a man about the menu. The fact that she smiled at the stranger made Julian mad, so when they left, he caused a scene. That’s not the terrible thing though. They end up inside of a elevator with that man from the restaurant, and he happens to smile at Audrey, and that set Julian off. He grabbed the man and yelled at him for looking at his girl before stabbing his eyes out. Yeah, not the healthiest relationship… Of course, that’s not the worst thing Julian did to her. I won’t spoil that.

Enter Khaos. I love his character and that might include a bit of bias, but that doesn’t matter. Khaos has a bad past, so bad that he doesn’t even know how old he is. He was “adopted” into Right Way by the leader and was raised to become one of the Horsemen. As a Horseman, he was meant to keep all of the members in line, and if they acted out, he and his “brothers” had to dole out the punishment. I don’t remember if there’s a definite number of people that Khaos killed, but I’m just going to say that there’s at least ten. 

Anyway, I’m not going to give away too much of the story. Here’s a gist though: it’s violent, rated 18+, and it’s great. I’m not your mother, so I can’t tell you to not read Khaos, however, I’m not responsible for anything. Happy reading!

The Heroin Diaries

The Heroin Diaries. Pretty dark book title, huh? Well, he was a pretty dark man when he wrote them.

I’m not sure if you’ve ever heard of a little band called Motley Crue, but if you have, a book like this produced by one of the members wouldn’t surprise you. Motley Crue was one of the biggest bands of the 80’s, and they were most defiantly the wildest.

Motley Crue was the headliner for all things rock; the poster child, perhaps, of the common phrase of the time, “sex, drugs, and rock n’ roll.” They had the biggest parties, the most girls, and more money than they knew what to do with. Nikki Sixx, the bassist of the band and the author of this book spent it the only way he knew how: drugs.

The Heroin Diaries came out on shelves when I was five years old, obviously long before I knew anything about this man. Nikki Sixx had been clean for years by this time, but he had found the courage within himself to publish his most private journals from the darkest point in his life: when he was addicted to heroin.

One of my favorite quotes from Nikki about his addiction is: “Alcohol, acid, cocaine… they were just affairs. When I met heroin, it was true love.”

He had a horrible addiction; so bad, in fact, he got to where he was spending up to one thousand dollars a day on heroin. Sick, right? He thinks so, too.

It took over his life; his music, his relationships, his friends. Ruined him, really. His first diary entry begins with him bundled beneath a Christmas tree stark naked beside a bent spoon and a rifle. Alone.

I feel as if he has grown a lot since that day beneath the Christmas tree. He had to die twice before he decided to get clean (I’m absolutely not kidding- he died- on record twice.)  He’s clean, he has a beautiful wife and kids. I think he’s happy. I hope he is. God gave him a lot of chances.

I’ve recently written him a letter. I hope he gets it. He inspires me a lot, and I hope he stays clean and stays happy.

 

She-Ra Season 4

As you all may or may not know, I have a tendency to get overly obsessed with things. She-Ra, is one of these things. This show follows Adora and her magical princess crew as they strive to save the world and defeat evil. Theres a bit of an unclear line between what is considered good and evil, as multiple characters have switched side. but, hey, I think it just makes it more interesting!

Season 4 specifically, focuses on each characters personal growth and ability to  overcome obstacles. For example: Glimmer adjusts to being the queen of Brightmoon, and Perfuma learns to work with cacti. That might be a bit vague, but, Perfuma just doesn’t like cacti.

 

Story 8/10

The story is, of course, a take on the old She-ra. This She-ra goes very in depth with characters, their motives, and their stories. Each plot point seems very fleshed out, and is not left unfinished. Even background characters have a full story within the show.

This season does a great job of giving us more insight into Scorpia’s life. In previous seasons, her past was vaguely mentioned, or hinted at. (Ex: getting an invitation to princess prom) This season explains Scorpia’s connections to her runestone, and how it came into the possession of the Horde. Scorpia has a breakthrough, and begins to stand up for herself. I am proud of her.

My one complaint for this season is the absence of Frosta. Frosta, like Glimmer, has dealt with grief. I feel there was a lost opportunity this season, in which Frosta and Glimmer could have strengthened their bond, and benefit each other through the power of understanding. Instead, there was a focus on the disconnection of Glimmer and Adora. The two were almost constantly arguing, which may have taken away from the plot.

Music 10/10

The background music in this show is absolutely phenominal. The music I would like to focus on, though, are the songs in the musical episode, “Boys’ Night Out.”

The song “Friends with Friends” is just the right level of chaotic and cursed.   I highly enjoy the fact that nearly all, if not every song in the entire series has been sung by Seahawk and Mermista. They’re the most musical characters in the show, and that in itself can be a crucial part to their personalities, and, really, it just makes it super fun to watch.

animation 6/10

I want to say upfront that there are some stunning sequences of animation in this show. I did notice that with this season, there tended to be more mistakes. A character may be wearing a flower crown in one shot, but then it suddenly disappears. The more I got into the episodes, the less I noticed. The first through third episode, though, had quite a few.

The episode with the coolest animation, in my opinion, was Episode 9, which focuses on Razz, and her memory. Seeing the world switch from present to past was quite trippy. A bit sad, too. I’m not sure if it was meant to evoke sadness from deep within me, but it sure did! great work, She-Ra team!

Overall, in conclusion, watch She-ra.