Category: Good Reads

Cave Johnson once said,

“When life gives you lemons, don’t make lemonade. Make life take the lemons back! Get mad! I don’t want your  lemons, what am I supposed to do with these? Demand to see life’s manager! Make life rue the day it thought it could give Cave Johnson lemons! Do you know who I am? I’m the man who’s gonna burn your house down! With the lemons! I’m gonna get my engineers to invent a combustible lemon that burns your house down!”

…and that’s a quote I live by.

Assignment wise, this blog is supposed to be inspiring. Ultimately, it’s up to the reader to determine whether or not I have succeeded.

When I was in the fourth grade, I wrote personalized fan-fiction for my peers, and sold it to them for $2. That was what I consider to be the start of my writing career. Writing those glorious, tragic, X Reader stories, the kind I read on Tumblr and Deviant art on a daily basis. Everyone loves a good tragedy. Even Shakespeare, he was all about some tragedies.

All that to say, now I just let people read my writing for free. Could it be possible that I’ve downgraded in that sense? Not entirely. I enjoy free things, so therefore, so should other people.

You know how- when you go to McDonalds, and they ask you if you want to make your meal a large size? And you know you can eat a large fry, but couldn’t get halfway through the drink, and so you end up just keeping your meal a medium size? That’s kind of how life is. sometimes you gotta downgrade, but its for the best. You aren’t wasting anything, you’re just conserving fries for the environment. metaphorically. It’s not really a downgrade- more so something that just… makes sense.

I understand society.

Society is like the plot of Cats! The Musical. It is confusing. If you fit within one of these categories, however, you should be able to live a long and prosperous life

1. Having very little respect for authority
2. Having too much respect for authority
3. owning a candle
4. being a meteorologist

Any of these sound familiar? If you fit in to one or more of these categories, you qualify to be a jellicle cat. With that title, you don’t have to worry about selling your fan-fiction for a high price. In this world, we gotta love and accept ourselves for being alive, and being who we are in this sentient shell. We cant focus so much on material things, because that’s what the economy wants us to do, and we gotta be some star-wars level rebels.

I hope that somewhere, somehow, this has brought someone peace. I will now drop my mixtape for some extra inspiration.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GbpP3Sxp-1U&list=PLFezMcAw96RGvTTTbdKrqew9seO2ZGRmk

 

Rock on, sentient shells.

 

Have you given up on life at this point in your life? Don’t worry, I have too.

That wasn’t a good way to start this semester….

 Happy New Year! We’ve entered a new decade, and maybe we’ll see some change. However, it’s okay to not change, but you can strive for improvement! Small steps is the best way to accomplish things. For instance, it is currently 1:40 A.M., and I am working on this blog post. After I finish this, I plan to work on my passion project, but if I’m too tired, I might try to go to sleep. Yes, this does sound like a bad habit, but when compared to the fact that I have done almost nothing this whole weekend, that sounds like improvement to me. 

The moral? Improvement is a relative term that you can bend to whatever you want it to mean. Don’t strive for perfection; just try to do a little better than last time. Now, being the cheesy person that I am, I thought that I should include some quotes that I actually connected with somewhat. For those that don’t know, I don’t relate or associate myself with quotes very often, so looking for senior quotes was a trip.

“The first step towards getting somewhere is to decide you’re not going to stay where you are.” — J.P. Morgan

The words are self-explanatory, but I feel like I have to be told to do some things. My first step this year/decade is acceptance. I will accept that staying up until unreasonable hours of the night is not good at all. I also accept that there’s a very small chance that I will go where I want to for college, and that I probably won’t land my “dream” job. And at this point, that’s okay. Instead, I will make moves to become a better student. I have spent this whole year procrastinating, halfheartedly doing my work, and distracting myself at any time I could. This decade will be my time for becoming a better version of myself. I want to come to peace with myself in terms of everything: romantically, socially, mentally, academically. None of this will happen within a week, month, or year. It’s gonna take time, but I think I owe it to myself to take some time for myself. Basically, I don’t want to be stuck in a rut where I constantly question myself, and I need to stop while I’m not too far behind. That’s what the quote means to me.

“Tomorrow is the first blank page of a 365-page book. Write a good one.” — Brad Paisley

This particular quote will actually inspire a possible passion project if Mrs. Sibley would approve of me switching out another project. We’re all literaries, minus Blake but he’s an honorary literary. Writing is more than a hobby for us. If we compare our lives to a piece of writing, what would it say about you? My book wouldn’t even be a bestseller, but that’s okay. At least I know my closest friends would buy a copy, or maybe they’d share one book and lend it out on certain days. However, I plan to change that. I want my book mean something, and if I need to alter something about myself, then guess what I’m doing?

“What a wonderful thought it is that some of the best days of our lives haven’t even happened yet.” — Anne Frank

As my idol of sorts wrote, we don’t know what the future is bringing to us. At most, we know we’re graduating, but that’s it. This year, one of us could meet the love of our life. Another could get their dream job. Someone could adopt a pet and love it to pieces. The point is that we don’t know what’s in store for us, and it’s a beautiful thing. Mystery can be great, but that depends on your outlook of life. I think we should live every day focusing on the positive of that day. Give whatever bad moment you encountered a thought, but discard it for the rest of the day. Unless it’s something extremely sensitive.

“We are the authors of our destinies.” ― Nike Campbell-Fatoki

Again, we’re literaries. A good part of our lives revolve around writing. Well, it does at this school. It’s up to us how our life will turn out. Sure, bad decisions can’t be avoided, but even then, that depends on the angle you look at it from. The only thing we can do is take control and rewrite whatever was already written for us.

And so, as of 3:15 A.M., I will begin improving upon myself for the rest of this decade. I encourage those who read this post to do the same. Happy New Decade, literaries. Here’s a great spring semester, and seniors, we’re so close to the end. Hang in there because in 140 days, we’ll officially be done with high school. Then it’s on to the next stage of our lives.

 

Mountains of crumbled up sketches would regularly pile up by my trash can. Entire sketchbooks would be filled with hundreds of drawings I would later be ashamed to look at. As much as I enjoy drawing, there are times when I had to push through drawings I did not want to finish. Much like life, my artistic journey has ups and downs. The frustration of not living up to my own expectations makes it difficult to find any energy to keep moving forward. There are times when I wonder if I can even live up to my vision at all. “Maybe I should not continue down this road.” “Maybe I am not good enough.” These thoughts would haunt me regularly.

However, since I have decided to continue my journey, I now see a glimmer of hope in the darkness before me. I do have a chance. Now I actually feel like I can reach my goal. All I needed was patience. Personal endeavors worth pursuing do not change someone’s abilities instantaneously. It confirms that what I do is much more than just a hobby. Without a shadow of a doubt, art is my passion. My creative vision is something I must see through to the very end, despite the many hurdles in the shadowy road ahead. My art is the torch that helps illuminate the uncertainty before me. It is a torch I will proudly continue to carry.

Sometimes all it takes is staying true to yourself and having patience to eventually see the light at the end of the tunnel. After all,the results of a worthwhile project do not show up immediately. If you are doubting yourself, just remember that you may just need a little time before you can reach your goals. We may all walk very different paths with many twists and turns, but it is important for everyone to have that light in their lives. In the meantime, do not forget to appreciate what you can already do. It is easy for many people to feel like the days start blurring together, but being mentally present each day makes the journey feel fulfilling rather than a means to an end. Not every day will be great, but there are days worth appreciating. Some days might even be a blessing in disguise. No one can guarantee what your future will hold, but we must all remember to keep moving forward.

Oh, 2019. You were complete, utter, festering trash. You seemed to last forever, and good god, did you leave like you came: stumbling through the door with a blood-curling scream.

The last year started out well enough for me if I’m honest. In January, I got to visit my partner who lives in Arizona, and it was very nice to get to visit them for the first time. Also, in mid-April, they were able to come to my hometown to go to my prom, and we had a blast during it. However, I would call most of my experience with 2019… a hot mess. Just… a hot mess.

I found that many times during 2019, I was succumbing to what I like to call “writer’s fatigue.” This is a condition that I find myself often succumbing to- where I get exhausted with a piece- and try as I may, I found that it was very difficult to overcome this sense of fatigue.

And even though I found myself often battling this fatigue, I found that I was still able to create some fantastic works both for school and for my own projects as well. I want to show one of them here:

Pandora

Pinned with the blame
of releasing all that is evil;
my beauty was created
to bring destruction to mankind.

I was created with clay
like every other man,
but life was breathed into me
by the winds of the earth.

I was clothed in majesty,
given a heart of lust,
a mind of lies,
and given the name “All Gifted”

I did not have a desire
to be brought into this world-
my creation was a punishment
to those who dared to trick a god.

My beauty was bestowed
upon my body
to hide the very venom
that one could see in my eyes.

I did not choose to be created.
I did not choose to unleash evil.
I did not choose to be hated by men.
I did not get the chance to choose.

“Pandora” was written as a part of a poetry collection I began to work on that I titled “Heavenly Vices,” and if I’m honest, it’s a collection that I am very proud of. I also created a collection of poems about cults and their leaders, like the following:

Gates of Heaven

Listen closely
oh children of mine,
so I may show you
God’s newest sign.

In Hale-Bopp’s tail
Heaven’s ship rides;
now it is time
to say our goodbyes.

We’ve communed together
for years and years-
we’ve shared our dreams,
our secrets, and fears.

So fill your pockets
with quarters and pennies,
cover your heads,
and repeat after me:

“Our God will now
take us away-
we’ve been preparing
for this day.

Heaven will be
a sight to see;
we’ll see again
our savior, Ti.

Our shoes are tied,
and still we lie.
Prepare yourself-
do not cry.

So count your blessings
and swallow your pride.
To Heaven’s Gate
we now will fly.”

“Gates of Heaven” and others in that collection are the ones that I am the proudest of. Because of this, I am hoping that I can continue to make works like this in the upcoming year. Thankfully, it appears that my writing fatigue is finally starting to fade away, and I am finding more and more that I am able to focus on projects and stay on task. It is my hope that this year, things will get better. I want to improve as a person just as much as I want to improve as a writer. And my ultimate goal is to end this new year better than I started it.

Recently, I’ve been spending a lot of time by myself, and it has been the hardest, most uplifting time of my life. About two months ago, I ended up getting a room by myself, and it was really scary for me at first because I had never been truly on my own in my entire life. I always shared a room with my sister or (of course) had a roommate. The feeling was very new to me, and I knew that it was going to take some time to get used to.

The first two weeks were really rough. It was very silent when I woke up, and throughout the entire day as well. I had two off blocks at the time, so I spent a lot of time in my room. I know you’re probably thinking, “Vic, don’t you have friends?” and the answer is yes, I do have friends, but at the time, everyone was studying and worrying about their own problems. Therefore, there wasn’t much time to hang out. I spent most of my time on my phone watching Tiktok or making Tiktoks (HA). Looking back at this, I wasted a lot of valuable time that I could have used to do more productive things instead of trying to distract myself from my loneliness.

It wasn’t until during Thanksgiving break that I started to improve myself and make myself be more productive. I also had the house to myself for half of the week, so that too was a time where I was forced to be alone, but it helped me so much. During the break I really self reflected. I evaluated myself and my toxic traits, and this led me to realizing that it’s okay to be alone sometimes.

Once I got back to school, I spent even more time in my room. I liked it. I could be myself and do the things I wanted to do. All of the things I thought required the company of other people really only required myself. After the break, I decided to tap into my creative side because I realized that I hadn’t done that in a while. I painted a lot more and journaled every day. I prioritized not only my school work and the things I needed to do, but also my mental health and loving myself. It was through all of this that I realized that in the end, you’re only going to have yourself. Sometimes you are going to have to be your own best friend, and that is okay. It’s okay to detach and take personal steps towards growing and developing as a person.

Through these past two months, I’ve not only learned how to be happy when I’m alone, but I’ve also learned how to balance my social life with my work life. I prioritize my work and put everything else second. For me, I’ve really fallen in love with working on things that I’m passionate about. It used to feel like my discipline work was a chore, but now I’m so eager to get the next assignment.

I’ve also stopped using sleep as an escape from my problems. I used to sleep in order to get away temporarily from my problems, which is not a good coping mechanism at all and could dig your hole even deeper than it already is. I found that staying up just a little longer to work a bit more on projects or to study for tests can show such a large improvement in your life. If anything, I definitely feel more prepared and less stressed.

These past two months have really helped me to calm my stress. I didn’t realize that most of my stress was coming from NOT being alone enough, not giving myself time to recollect myself and do the things I needed to do.

Anyways, that’s my spill on self love and doing what’s best for you. New chapters are good; I promise. Even the worst memories can turn into great ones if you change your perspective and find the lessons within them.

Happy New Year! I figured that this year would be one of the most significant years of my life. Not only am I graduating high school, but I am also turning eighteen. Those are two really great accomplishments, taking into consideration the way this cold world is going right now. I have heard so many young black males not making it to eighteen or graduation due to violence and lack of structure or discipline. So, I decided to make a pretty big decision on the first Saturday of this year. I cut my hair. I had the same hairstyle for roughly seven years.

The number one reason I had to let the hair go was that so much came with that hair. Not even taking into consideration the upkeep of the hair. The constant washing, moisturizing, and shaping of it. There was a bit of trauma and disaster that came along with it. Though it was beautiful, it was damaged, and so was I. At the time, I felt the best thing I could do was cut it all off. It took a bit of a tole on me, and still sort of is, but that is only because of the length of time I kept it.

I always said that I was ready to make a change in my life, but how can I make a change if I have been looking at the same person for a number of years. In order for me to change positively, I had to cut some things out of my life. The hair just happened to be a part of the things I had to change. I am growing it back, but that will take months. I am allowing myself those months to heal from the things that dismantled any unstable components of my life.

This year, a lot is changing in my life. I will be considered a legal adult soon, I will be leaving a school that I consider home, and I will be starting a higher education process at a new school. There is no possible way I will allow myself to carry the burdens and baggage of the version of me from months and in some cases, even years ago.

At this stage of my life, I just plan to take the lessons I have learned and apply them into my everyday life so that I can achieve so many exceptional things in this lifetime. Then, take those same lessons and pass them down to those behind me and hopefully make a change in this world.

There are things in this life that will shake you down to your core. As we grow, there is an expanding fear within us that can and will destroy us if we let it. This darkness, this blob of fright and doubt, is an emotion so simple we often over look it: anxiety.

Anxiety prevents me from doing so many things. It makes me not want to go certain places, or to college interviews, or even out to eat; it makes me not want to write certain things for fear of judgment. It’s a heavy burden that people avoid talking about.

For me, perhaps the burden is a little heavier for me. I was diagnosed with depression caused by panic when I was five years old. I’ve struggled since I was a kid to stay happy, to stay positive, to keep growing and going. It’s hard when the panic attack hits, it really is, and I won’t lie and say that there aren’t times I just want to lay in my bed and ignore the entire world.  I get so depressed because of how hard things are, how seemingly insignificant I am.

Sometimes I enter this state of mind where I think: I am on a tiny planet with millions of people, in a gigantic galaxy surrounded by even bigger galaxies and planets. I am but a speck in a very, very large painting. I forget that every drop of paint matters, ever stroke of the brush is necessary for the full picture. I’m sure there are readers out there who forget that too.

I do believe in a creator, in God. I believe that he has put me here for a purpose just as he has everyone else. It’s hard to believe that. It’s hard to hold on to that, and I don’t expect everyone to be able to. But for me, if I lose that faith I lose my morality and I fade away. I am so held back from everything because of the way my brain works and it’s exhausting. I have to have something to hold onto. My greatest advice for those out there is to find your anchor, because you’ll need it when the waves get rough.

I have learned something very important through the misery though. Existing isn’t living, no matter how bad I want it to be. I can’t just go through the motions. I have to push, I have to strive, I have to make myself be the person I’ve always wanted to be. We have been lied to. Dreams don’t happen while we are asleep, they happen while we are walking in the daytime, they happen in the midst of our worst nightmares. Misery can be creativity. It’s just a matter of how we look at it.

Love, the most tragic and beautiful abstract feeling. When you’re young, you take what you can get. The first boy to say he loves you may wind up being your first everything else. Your first kiss, touch, the first boy you bring home to meet your parents, and almost inevitably, your first heartbreak. I’m sure most of you reading this have already experienced this first love kind of pain, and those of you who have are probably still searching for a way to let go and move on. It seems almost impossible to see yourself loving another the same way you loved your first, and I cannot be entirely sure if pure, innocent love can ever be reused. The thing is, there are greater loves out there. There are stories much more monumental for you to be a part of.

See, I’ve noticed that when a girl gets her heart broken for the first time, they often spiral in self-consciousness and deprecation. I did it, I’ve watched my friends do it. You convince yourselves that if the first love wasn’t forever then no one is. Then you move forward. Date again. Kiss again, but you’re still missing him, aren’t you? Of course you are. You have managed to put yourself so far down that you don’t think you deserve another shot at love. You’re too scared of it. You tell your friends you don’t want to love anyone but him. They tell you that you’re stupid; may even make you feel kind of bad about it; but it’s probably due to the fact that your on-going heartache is reminding them of their own. We are all in pain here. It’s a painful world, a “love” is a painful word.

The good news, rather it be your first heartbreak or your eleventh, it will fade. The beautiful thing about love is that it has no limits. Think of it the way scientists view the universe, expansive and infinite, there is not a solid person or thing that you must invest this feeling into. You meet new people every day. You have a new opportunity to love and grow with every moment that passes by. I can’t tell you how to let go of that person you are hanging on to. I can’t explain how moving on works because I’m not too good at it myself, but what I do know is, while the love we have inside of is unmeasurable and unconditional, our time to use it, is not. So, don’t waste time dwindling on the pain and sorrows, just run, not away but into, the arms of the world and all the tragic, beautiful, incomparable love it has to offer.

If I could describe in one word how I’m feeling right now, the word would be “stressed.” I’m sure everyone at MSA can relate to that statement in some way, shape, or form. I thought I was at the pinnacle of stress at the start of senior year and even during some periods of my junior year; however, I’ve never been so stressed in my life.

It’s late November, and at this point, I’ve been working on my Fashion Magazine for about two months. I got inspired for the project early October while I was at a friends house one weekend(see previous blog to get the entire scoop), and since then I’ve been working on it daily. This is very rare for me. If you know me personally, you know that I get ideas, and if it isn’t something that can get done within a week or two, I usually drop it. The fact that I’ve been working on this for two months is an accomplishment in itself, but I have so much more to do.

I’ve decided that I want to be completely finished with the magazine by April 20th, 2020, which is the day of my showcase. By the way, the event is open to the public, so if you’re interested in this magazine or any of my work in general, you should most definitely come check it out. This deadline will also mean that the magazines will be completely printed and in my hands, ready to order by this date. From today, that is about five months from now. *internally screaming*

Within the magazine there will be photo shoots, shot by me, of students at MSA that have so graciously been willing to participate. There will also be interviews and articles about certain people at MSA that I find exceptionally rich in their specific art. Whether that be Vocal, Literary, Fashion Design, Theater, Visual, Dance, and even Cinematography. It will all be included.

I’ve even decided to design and create fashion pieces of my own. This took a lot of consideration in deciding to do this. I was scared that I wouldn’t have time or willing participants, but I decided that the magazine wouldn’t be my own if I didn’t include this. So far I’ve created one of my fashion pieces, and I’m so excited to create the other pieces.

Overall, I believe that the magazine will reflect the inspirations I’ve kept bottled up for so many years. I’ve always wanted to create something that showed who I am as a person and the things I care about. This magazine has already become so important to me, which is so exciting for me.

Working on my magazine along with applying for colleges, scholarships, and just everyday MSA routines has been causing me a lot of stress, but I would be lying if I said I wasn’t happy. I’ve never been so happy in my entire life. I’ve never had so much fun while doing work. I realized that fashion and journalism is my passion because I’ve never been so stressed with something, yet still have the most fun I could possibly have. I already know that this project is going to help me learn so many things about myself because in a way, it already has.

I just want to thank everyone who is supporting me and supporting my vision. I know for a fact that if it weren’t for any of you, this really would not be possible, and I mean that wholeheartedly. I know that’s so cliche to say, but I’m so serious about it. I really mean it. I’m so excited to share this piece of myself with you guys. It will take a while, but I promise it will be so worth it. I won’t let you down!

Check back with me April 20th, 2020:)

If you would have asked me two months ago what I wanted to pursue as a career, I would tell you that I wanted to be an environmental lawyer. I would go on and on about how I wanted to save the planet from itself, and give random facts about how much time we have left until it’s impossible for human existence on earth. I did everything in my power to help the earth become more green. This is not a bad thing; I’m not saying it is, but I don’t believe I did it completely because I was passionate about it. I think I did it because I wanted my family and other people to be proud of me. I wanted to be enough for them.

I tried my absolute hardest to prove to people that I was smart and capable of making a difference. What I didn’t realize is that it caused me to detach from myself. It caused me to neglect my true talents and passions.

Earlier this year, in the second semester of junior year, I was completely unhappy with everything. I closed myself off from so many things. I completely isolated myself. Around mid-April, I realized that I needed to better myself. I knew that I wasn’t the best version of myself and I wanted to make a change. Throughout the entire summer I completely changed my outlook of everything, and I will be honest, I did feel so completely happy, but something else was missing. I couldn’t figure out what it was.

About a month ago, I stayed with a close friends house and we had a very deep conversation. We talked about how I wasn’t happy and how I was tricking myself into thinking I was happy. She told me, “you have to let go,” and that’s when my eyes were opened up to everything. I realized that I didn’t want to be a lawyer. I only wanted to be a lawyer so that my family and friends would be proud of me. I do care about the environment and I do think that we should do everything in our power to make some type of difference, but I also have my own passions that I want to be able to pursue as well. All along I had lived my life for others. That is why I wasn’t happy. I was neglecting what actually made me happy because of what others told me.

Upon this discovery, I realized that I want to be a Fashion Journalist. I always have. I want to work on projects that make me happy, not projects that other people tell me will make me happy. Ever since that day I have been pursuing the things I love instead of the things other people think I would excel at. And that in itself has caused me to be joyful and excited for my future.

For the first time in a very long time, I am excited for the things to come.