the suburbs (pt. 5)

empty room // arcade fire

i was always alone.

even when i was surrounded by my friends, all i ever felt was alone. i could call someone’s name at the top of my lungs in a room full of people, but the room was always still somehow empty, like no one was even there at all.

suburbia left me in isolation, craving something more. it left me desiring something bigger than small town feelings.

i knew it was coming. i knew one day something would come along and pluck me from the suburbs and plant me where i belonged. for seven years i waited and waited, sitting in empty rooms and rooms only filled with empty lives.

when i was younger, everyone older than me looked like they were on fire. they looked fiery and inspired and passionate. in fourth and fifth grade, my friend down the street and i always looked up to her older sister. she was two years older than us and wiser than we could ever dream of being. our elementary paled in comparison to her middle school wisdom.

honestly, she intimidated us. we always wondered what it was like to be that old, to be that grown up. the way she walked and the way she talked left us wondering what growing up would look like for us.

then we were the ones growing up. only the girl down the street and i didn’t talk anymore. we were the intimidating middle schoolers to the little kids in the neighborhood, and i realized that her sister wasn’t on fire anymore. the sparks were gone and all that was left was the same grey that would take me over if i let it.

but i wasn’t going to let it. i wasn’t going to let growing up empty my soul out and turn me into a ghost of suburban future. i wasn’t going to let the emptiness that consumed them consume me, too.

so i laid low. i let them paint me over with their blacks and greys and pretended to be like them, but they could never touch the colors that coated my insides. i was going to grow up, but it wouldn’t be like them. i wasn’t going to become the people i’ve watched fall away time and time again. all i had to do was wait, and if it took forever, then forever it would be.

Author: Madison Cox

madison: known for being very loud and very short and also a little sad. finally embraced her inner hipster. typically can be found listening to music or writing something. very fond of sweaters, hugs, and chucks. thinks capital letters are overrated. enjoys typing like a child but speaking like an adult. really wants to write books one day. View all posts by Madison Cox