I’m so glad I finally have it in me to make a creative blog again. My past seven blogs have been embarrassingly uncreative and, rather than the soul, they came from my brain and ego under the desire to tell people about myself and what I like.
I recently turned seventeen. As soon as midnight arrived, I felt this deeply rooted fear come out and, over a month later, it still hasn’t left. I know I’m young, so there should be nothing to worry about. At least, that’s what I’ve been told. Yet all I can do is worry and, I think, that’s a sign that I’m growing up.
If anyone from the generations that raised me (Baby Boomers and Generation X) read this, they would probably laugh at everything I’m about to discuss. Growing up with people significantly older than me started this ideology that I shouldn’t worry about adult things and just focus on being young, but now that I’m inching closer to becoming a legal adult, no one has told me to stop worrying. Actually, I think most people in my life are unknowingly encouraging my anxiety with all the talk about college and jobs and don’t even get me started on a future family.
It’s all a big mess that I just have to turn my head away from because I can’t clean it up or walk away from it. I’m too young to tackle those problems head on, but I’m too old to not worry about it. So I’m in this dreadful in-between period, just trying to distract myself from the slowly approaching tsunami of stress.
Recently, I’ve taken my mental health very seriously. I’ve been observing myself like a friend: predicting my own actions, keeping track of my worries, and even counseling myself. I have three, going on four, planners/calendars. I still end up needing extra help, though. I feel like I can’t even catch a break.
With my birthday, grades of college classes, regular classes, and arts classes, and relationships with people, this last semester has completely knocked me down, stomped on me, rolled me into a ditch, threw a bunch of trash on me, and then I’m still expected to get up, dust myself off, and buckle in for an extremely busy summer break.
“But I believe in myself,” I say to myself, knowingly lying. “I can do it. Nothing I haven’t done before!” *extreme eye twitching*
This blog was originally supposed to be a sweet reflection of my junior year, but the more I write, the more I realize I’m so glad it’s over. Usually, I would say I’m not ready to be a senior and I’m afraid to grow up. But right now? I can’t wait to be free from my shackles. The sad thing is, I already know that summertime will put on a fresh, new set of shackles right on these weary wrists until I enter my senior year. Then it’s like I’m switching shackles again.
I know right now is a difficult time for me, and I know senior year will also be difficult. But I hope I can find the joy in… wearing shackles. I’ve worked incredibly hard to discover my weaknesses and aid them over the past few months, and I can only hope I care about myself this much in the upcoming months.
I will admit: I’m very thankful for my junior year at MSA. I think this has been one of the best moments of my life. I’m very grateful for all of my friends and teachers and even myself. I’ve gone through a lot of self discovery and I can definitely feel myself developing into a young adult.
It’s a strange process and it’s even stranger to physically and mentally feel it. It’s easier to let time pass then look back and think, “Wow, I’ve changed a lot!” but it’s so incredibly weird to look in the mirror and say, “Hey, I’m changing. Like, right now.”
I hope I’m able to write a sweeter blog when I return for senior year or maybe even as I graduate. Maybe then, I’ll be emotionally recharged enough to cry over the fact that the biggest chapter in my life is about to come to an end.
Wish me luck over the summer! If you’re wondering, I’ll just share all of my plans here. In June alone, I plan to attend a week-long writer’s workshop and then go to the beach immediately after and then visit family for another few days. I also plan to go camping, get my driver’s license, deep clean the entire house, renovate the backyard, and on top of all of that, take Spanish 1 and 2 as college classes.
To any of my peers that are planning a busy summer, I wish you the best. And if you’re clearing your entire schedule for summer to rot in your room, I wish you well too. I can’t wait to see how much I’ve changed by the time I return to MSA, and I can’t wait to see my soon-to-be seniorly peers!
the note you made about switching shackles is such a good way of putting it- i sometimes feel like i’ll never be free of whatever burdens life decides to throw at me. I think the most important thing, though, is to try and make the best of it, even when times are tough. you do such an amazing job at expressing that anxiety about growing up, but also worry about not reaching your goals- this whole blog is very relatable. i hope you have an amazing summer! i know you’ll do amazing in everything you put your mind to :3
Wow you have a lot on your plate! I reccomend when you’re with family to just take some time for yourself to try and calm down and I have seen you grow so much this year I’m so proud of you!
This is so sweet that you did decide to write about this because things get very stressful. I find myself being really upset about junior year being over, but I also just cannot wait to be able to take a little bit of a breather before things come crashing down again. You’re doing amazing though, and I wish you all the best for everything!
I completely understand the feelings you’ve described in this blog. I can’t help but want the year to end, even though that means that all the seniors are leaving, but it’s something that needs to happen. All we can hope to do is keep moving forward, and I think you’ve been doing that beautifully, no matter what has been thrown at you. One of your strengths is keeping outwardly optimistic in the face of major struggles, while still keeping level-headed, even in situations that would make others crumble, and I know for an absolute fact that you will handle any challenges given to you with the utmost cleverness and shrewdness that have come to define you in my mind. I am so immensely grateful that I have the gift of being able to call you my friend, and I hope you see how wholeheartedly I mean that. I’m so excited to see how you develop, and to see you at the workshop this summer!
The way you described how this semester has been treating you was so real. I feel like I’ve been going through that fight that Peter Griffin and that Chicken go through.
Same. Junior year has changed us in so many ways, but I’m glad that you were able to pick yourself up even after the hard moments. I wish you so much luck on your summer endeavors, and I hope you continue to power through the tough times.
BTW, You are such an amazing writer and I can’t wait to read the first novel you publish. I believe in you <3.