sink in<\/p>\n
let out<\/p>\n
breathe<\/p>\n
mattress is too soft<\/p>\n
and the springs are too hard<\/p>\n
and this is nothing<\/p>\n
nothing at all<\/p>\n
because it doesn’t matter<\/p>\n
none of it matters and it’s all funny<\/p>\n
hilarious<\/p>\n
i laugh till I cry<\/p>\n
and i cry until i heave<\/p>\n
and i heave until i panic<\/p>\n
then break down<\/p>\n
and cry<\/p>\n
and cry<\/p>\n
and cry<\/p>\n
until i can’t see anymore<\/p>\n
and all is dark<\/p>\n
and lonely<\/p>\n
i am nothing<\/p>\n
yet everything<\/p>\n
and everything matters now<\/p>\n
so i sew my lips shut<\/p>\n
and don’t laugh anymore<\/p>\n
laughing is unacceptable<\/p>\n
though i was only hours before<\/p>\n
or minutes<\/p>\n
or seconds<\/p>\n
small ant bites<\/p>\n
and bee stings<\/p>\n
across my arms<\/p>\n
and legs<\/p>\n
and chest<\/p>\n
fingernails bleed<\/p>\n
and i kiss them gently<\/p>\n
on my knuckles there is pink<\/p>\n
pink skin<\/p>\n
colored by crayons<\/p>\n
or markers<\/p>\n
i can never quite tell<\/p>\n
i dont know if i’m<\/p>\n
living<\/p>\n
or<\/p>\n
existing<\/p>\n
or are they the same?<\/p>\n
i breathe again<\/p>\n
just to let it out<\/p>\n
and none of it matters<\/p>\n
but i over think it any way<\/p>\n
then it’s too important<\/p>\n
and my knees and shivering<\/p>\n
and my spine is shaking<\/p>\n
i am a tree<\/p>\n
swaying in a forest fire<\/p>\n
and none of it makes sense<\/p>\n
i am an incoherent thought<\/p>\n
melting faces<\/p>\n
and sticky toes<\/p>\n
my tongue is too big<\/p>\n
and i chew on it like bubble gum<\/p>\n
and pretend<\/p>\n
that it’s my last meal<\/p>\n
ulcers coat my cheeks<\/p>\n
i remind myself that pain is an illusion<\/p>\n
just your brain letting your body know something is wrong<\/p>\n
if you didn’t have a sense of touch you<\/p>\n
wouldn’t feel at all<\/p>\n
it isn’t real<\/p>\n
i’m not there any more<\/p>\n
and when i get my heart broken<\/p>\n
it will heal<\/p>\n
even if it physically stings and burns<\/p>\n
promise me marriage<\/p>\n
i’m aware it is just for show<\/p>\n
it makes me feel loved<\/p>\n
important<\/p>\n
essential<\/p>\n
significant<\/p>\n
something<\/p>\n
give me something to hold onto<\/p>\n
that isn’t worry<\/p>\n
and panic<\/p>\n
maybe if i jump<\/p>\n
my head will crack on the pavement<\/p>\n
and people will think that matters<\/p>\n
because everything matters<\/p>\n
even if it is meaningless<\/p>\n
even if this is just repetition<\/p>\n
life is only a question<\/p>\n
following more questions<\/p>\n
don’t become self aware<\/p>\n
or wonder what it’s like to have a different brain<\/p>\n
it only makes it more unbearable<\/p>\n
everyone is miserable<\/p>\n
remember that<\/p>\n
no one is truly happy<\/p>\n
but we are all trying to be okay<\/p>\n
we are trying to matter<\/p>\n
even if it’s just pretend<\/p>\n
even if it is just in illusion<\/p>\n
sink in<\/p>\n
let out<\/p>\n
breathe<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
sink in let out breathe mattress is too soft and the springs are too hard and this is nothing nothing at all because it doesn’t matter none of it matters and it’s all funny hilarious i laugh till I cry and i cry until i heave and i heave until i panic then break down … Continue reading “underestimate of time”<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":39,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[4],"tags":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/blog.msabrookhaven.org\/literary\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/5952"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/blog.msabrookhaven.org\/literary\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/blog.msabrookhaven.org\/literary\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/blog.msabrookhaven.org\/literary\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/39"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/blog.msabrookhaven.org\/literary\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=5952"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/blog.msabrookhaven.org\/literary\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/5952\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":5953,"href":"https:\/\/blog.msabrookhaven.org\/literary\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/5952\/revisions\/5953"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/blog.msabrookhaven.org\/literary\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=5952"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/blog.msabrookhaven.org\/literary\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=5952"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/blog.msabrookhaven.org\/literary\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=5952"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}