{"id":5667,"date":"2019-03-27T17:00:07","date_gmt":"2019-03-27T22:00:07","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/blog.msabrookhaven.org\/literary\/?p=5667"},"modified":"2019-03-27T17:00:07","modified_gmt":"2019-03-27T22:00:07","slug":"a-wish-i-can-never-have","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/blog.msabrookhaven.org\/literary\/2019\/03\/27\/a-wish-i-can-never-have\/","title":{"rendered":"a wish i can never have"},"content":{"rendered":"

if only i had been there when you were born<\/span><\/p>\n

i bet your eyes were beautiful <\/span><\/p>\n

and your nose rounded, tiny as a button<\/span><\/p>\n

i\u2019m sure the nurses and doctors<\/span><\/p>\n

swooned as they set you in your mother’s arms<\/span><\/p>\n

little did they know\u2026 <\/span><\/p>\n

if only i had been there when you were brought home <\/span><\/p>\n

when your brother held you<\/span><\/p>\n

when the mystery man that was your father<\/span><\/p>\n

probably wasn\u2019t even there<\/span><\/p>\n

if only i had been there when your sister <\/span><\/p>\n

was brought into this world with pneumonia in her lungs<\/span><\/p>\n

and her tiny chest clenched under clouds of cigarette smoke<\/span><\/p>\n

if only i had been there when you were nine years old <\/span><\/p>\n

walking around the streets \u00a0alone<\/span><\/p>\n

with nothing to protect yourself but your baby teeth<\/span><\/p>\n

already visiting milestones you shouldn\u2019t have had to-<\/span><\/p>\n

that you shouldn\u2019t have even known about<\/span><\/p>\n

if only i had been there when you lived in that hotel <\/span><\/p>\n

when your mother came home <\/span><\/p>\n

still decked out in her revealing work clothes<\/span><\/p>\n

and passed out on the floor<\/span><\/p>\n

then proceeded to cover herself in<\/span><\/p>\n

feces, urine, and bile\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

and as your sister poked at her<\/span><\/p>\n

your brother told her to stop because<\/span><\/p>\n

she was probably going to die<\/span><\/p>\n

all the while you ate chips in front of a TV<\/span><\/p>\n

if only i had been there when you poured alcohol <\/span><\/p>\n

down your throat for the first time<\/span><\/p>\n

such a young age to be destroying your liver <\/span><\/p>\n

such a young age to search for escape <\/span><\/p>\n

if only i had been there the first time you <\/span><\/p>\n

questioned your existence<\/span><\/p>\n

which was probably much earlier than i\u2019d like to think <\/span><\/p>\n

if only i had been there when your tummy <\/span><\/p>\n

began to cave in on itself<\/span><\/p>\n

because there wasn\u2019t enough food<\/span><\/p>\n

and if their was the roaches would claim it first<\/span><\/p>\n

when your skin was frail because there wasn\u2019t enough love<\/span><\/p>\n

if only i had been there when you smoked your first cigarette <\/span><\/p>\n

just to cough and continue <\/span><\/p>\n

because a habit made you feel more real<\/span><\/p>\n

if only i had been there when your mother came home <\/span><\/p>\n

piss drunk and higher than mount denali <\/span><\/p>\n

when you drug her inside and she hit you<\/span><\/p>\n

and hit you and hit you<\/span><\/p>\n

until you pushed back and she fell <\/span><\/p>\n

screaming <\/span><\/p>\n

you\u2019re not my son, you\u2019re not my son<\/span><\/i><\/p>\n

if only i had been there when you <\/span><\/p>\n

swore to yourself <\/span><\/p>\n

you\u2019d never fall in love<\/span><\/p>\n

but did it anyway<\/span><\/p>\n

all for girls who would break you down<\/span><\/p>\n

and use you<\/span><\/p>\n

and lie, and lie, and lie<\/span><\/p>\n

to break your trust <\/span><\/p>\n

just like all the rest<\/span><\/p>\n

if only i had been there when you gave up<\/span><\/p>\n

on anything and everyone <\/span><\/p>\n

just to yell\u00a0\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

to clouds<\/span><\/p>\n

secretly hoping God may hear you<\/span><\/p>\n

if only i had been there when you told girls<\/span><\/p>\n

they were beautiful<\/span><\/p>\n

to fill in their insecurities<\/span><\/p>\n

not because you meant it<\/span><\/p>\n

but because it was easy <\/span><\/p>\n

and they would open up every time<\/span><\/p>\n

so that you could find release <\/span><\/p>\n

since that is what you were taught to do<\/span><\/p>\n

by your own mother<\/span><\/p>\n

to use and use and use<\/span><\/p>\n

until there is nothing left <\/span><\/p>\n

and you have to find another fix<\/span><\/p>\n

if only i had been there.<\/span><\/p>\n

if only i had been there.<\/span><\/p>\n

now you are the plate your mother flung at the wall<\/span><\/p>\n

behind her boyfriends head<\/span><\/p>\n

where it broke and shattered <\/span><\/p>\n

i am still sweeping up the pieces and<\/span><\/p>\n

picking shards from the carpet<\/span><\/p>\n

i will find all of them soon<\/span><\/p>\n

and slowly glue them back together <\/span><\/p>\n

there will still be the jagged lines form the forceful blow<\/span><\/p>\n

but there won\u2019t be a single missing piece<\/span><\/p>\n

you will be whole<\/span><\/p>\n

no matter how scarred <\/span><\/p>\n

if only i had been there<\/span><\/p>\n

i would have rather been there <\/span><\/p>\n

not because my life was worse<\/span><\/p>\n

god no<\/span><\/p>\n

it was sunshine and daisies <\/span><\/p>\n

and lilypads and water hoses <\/span><\/p>\n

open fields and love<\/span><\/p>\n

slip \u2018n slides and winter coats<\/span><\/p>\n

weekends with my grandparents and trips to disney world <\/span><\/p>\n

where i complained about the blisters on my feet <\/span><\/p>\n

while you begged for a light in the dark <\/span><\/p>\n

my father built me a swing of rubber and rope<\/span><\/p>\n

and i would fly as high as the house <\/span><\/p>\n

to jump into a kiddie pool my mom had bought <\/span><\/p>\n

i remember the feeling of the sun on my skin<\/span><\/p>\n

and the wind in my face<\/span><\/p>\n

and i can\u2019t help but wonder what was happening to you <\/span><\/p>\n

in those moments<\/span><\/p>\n

i would give up every memory <\/span><\/p>\n

to have been there<\/span><\/p>\n

if only i had been <\/span>there<\/span><\/i><\/p>\n

if only i had been beside you<\/span><\/p>\n

if only i had held you<\/span><\/p>\n

if only i had carried you away from hell<\/span><\/p>\n

if only i had been yours.<\/span><\/p>\n

if only i had saved you the heartache<\/span><\/p>\n

if only if only if only <\/span>if only<\/span><\/i><\/p>\n

\u201cwhat would you have done?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

now you are looking at me <\/span><\/p>\n

strange smile <\/span><\/p>\n

almost angry<\/span><\/p>\n

disbelieving <\/span><\/p>\n

i touch the palm of your hand to my lips <\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cwell\u2026\u201d i lay my cheek in your hand<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201ci would have loved you… and i think that\u2019s all you ever wanted.\u201d <\/span><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

if only i had been there when you were born i bet your eyes were beautiful and your nose rounded, tiny as a button i\u2019m sure the nurses and doctors swooned as they set you in your mother’s arms little did they know\u2026 if only i had been there when you were brought home when … Continue reading “a wish i can never have”<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":39,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[4],"tags":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/blog.msabrookhaven.org\/literary\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/5667"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/blog.msabrookhaven.org\/literary\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/blog.msabrookhaven.org\/literary\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/blog.msabrookhaven.org\/literary\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/39"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/blog.msabrookhaven.org\/literary\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=5667"}],"version-history":[{"count":4,"href":"https:\/\/blog.msabrookhaven.org\/literary\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/5667\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":5689,"href":"https:\/\/blog.msabrookhaven.org\/literary\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/5667\/revisions\/5689"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/blog.msabrookhaven.org\/literary\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=5667"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/blog.msabrookhaven.org\/literary\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=5667"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/blog.msabrookhaven.org\/literary\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=5667"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}