so like. life is exhausting. what can ya do.<\/p>\n
a lot of things are going on all at once, and my brain can’t quite figure out how to process them.<\/p>\n
my brain’s been like this for a while. four years, at least.<\/p>\n
like, i used to look forward to learning how to drive and going out with my friends and planning what my sweet 16 would be like and going to college and becoming a doctor or something like that.<\/p>\n
i used to be\u00a0ambitious<\/em>. used to have a drive and a passion for my future. the things idolized by tv shows used to actually be\u00a0exciting\u00a0<\/em>to me.<\/p>\n then i found myself at a point where i wasn’t thinking about my future because i didn’t think i’d make it there.<\/p>\n i’ve gotten out of that point, thankfully, but the feeling still remains. the complete lack of understanding, the loss of ambition.<\/p>\n the future started to scare me. it still does, sometimes. the future means leaving monotony behind, abandoning the routine i’ve come to depend on in the past four years.<\/p>\n familiarity, get me through the day.<\/em><\/p>\n i have no idea what i want to do with my life because i thought it would be over by now.<\/p>\n i’ve managed to dig myself into this hole of complete and utter fear of the future. my\u00a0mom\u00a0<\/em>is researching colleges for me because she knows how badly it stresses me out. i never really looked into colleges, never submitted my act scores to any schools, never did anything\u00a0for my future<\/em>.<\/p>\n and now i’m going through lists of schools that offer the majors i want and planning college tours this summer.<\/p>\n this is the future. this is what i didn’t think i’ve ever see. and thinking i’d never see it meant figuring i didn’t need to worry about it.<\/p>\n so now all of the worry that should’ve been building up gradually over the past few years has slammed onto my desk like mountains of paperwork at a cubicle desk. it’s all coming at me faster and faster than i can handle it.<\/p>\n but i think i like it? i think i’m excited for it?<\/p>\n all i know – all i’ve ever really known – is that i want to write. i want to be an author. i want to write books that affect kids the same way they affected me. i want to create something that’s\u00a0there<\/em> for somebody, something that inspires.<\/p>\n i’m sure i’ll figure it out eventually.<\/p>\n these things just take time i don’t have.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" so like. life is exhausting. what can ya do. a lot of things are going on all at once, and my brain can’t quite figure out how to process them. my brain’s been like this for a while. four years, at least. like, i used to look forward to learning how to drive and going … Continue reading “i don’t know what i’m doing but god i’m trying”<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":21,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[4],"tags":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/blog.msabrookhaven.org\/literary\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3395"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/blog.msabrookhaven.org\/literary\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/blog.msabrookhaven.org\/literary\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/blog.msabrookhaven.org\/literary\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/21"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/blog.msabrookhaven.org\/literary\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=3395"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"https:\/\/blog.msabrookhaven.org\/literary\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3395\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":3397,"href":"https:\/\/blog.msabrookhaven.org\/literary\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3395\/revisions\/3397"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/blog.msabrookhaven.org\/literary\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=3395"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/blog.msabrookhaven.org\/literary\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=3395"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/blog.msabrookhaven.org\/literary\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=3395"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}