{"id":2630,"date":"2018-02-28T13:25:15","date_gmt":"2018-02-28T19:25:15","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/blog.msabrookhaven.org\/literary\/?p=2630"},"modified":"2018-02-28T13:25:15","modified_gmt":"2018-02-28T19:25:15","slug":"suggested-dominance","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/blog.msabrookhaven.org\/literary\/2018\/02\/28\/suggested-dominance\/","title":{"rendered":"Suggested Dominance"},"content":{"rendered":"

Over the course of a year, I have been trying my absolute hardest to change. At my old school, I was, well, weird.\u00a0<\/em>This ideology (that people enforced around me) reminded me of a hamster ball or even bubble wrap, something to encase my “all-around strangeness”. No one wanted to get my kind of personality on them.<\/p>\n

In my head, I have always seen myself as the equivalent of human sludge. Slow moving, never taking form, and leaving traces where I go. This doesn’t bother me, as I want to make an impact, but other people tend to see me as some sort of detriment because of this.<\/p>\n

I know I am a freak of nature. I am not wanted in a regular conforming society, nor do I want<\/em> to be wanted.<\/p>\n

Its as simple as this: conforming would kill me. To be the same as another carbon-cut life form drains me of my personal whatever-it-is<\/em> I’m trying to seek. I purposely broke the fourth wall with the intentions of finding the fifth, if that makes sense. I am beyond the realm of normal, and I am having trouble even remembering what normal feels like.<\/p>\n

(It might be that I have gone too far into the land of the crazies.)<\/p>\n

I can feel this uneasiness collecting like dust along my shoulder blades. I am uncomfortable in this skin, same as the last. I will shed and shed and grow and break and build once more, but will ever be a definite concept? A whole substance?<\/p>\n

Yes, that is what my personality needs-substance. I need to stop shifting with the water and lean into the comfort of just alright for now.\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

Three years from now, I see myself being irrational. Twenty years from now, I see nothing. I guess that means my prediction of “dead after 23” must be what my future is expecting to happen.<\/p>\n

(I don’t know what I am trying to get at, and I think I changed what I wanted the point of this to be.)<\/p>\n

Anyway, at this school, I have been deemed as less than. A weaker link. Submissive<\/em>.<\/p>\n

I want it to be said that if any of you actually believe this, you haven’t been paying attention. I am playing this game like this on purpose, I promise.<\/p>\n

My whole “thing” is that if you let people believe you are less than them, they will give you more information than they would have at first. I sit, I watch, I wait. (And I react crazily to throw everyone off my trail.)<\/p>\n

Here’s my big secret, guys. This is it. I act on impulse to watch the reactions of others. I have no limits in order to understand the condition of my surroundings better. I am too self aware to focus on myself when I do irrational things. Instead, I am only focused on the social situation. Also, I do<\/em> think through everything I do, and how it affects others. It’s exactly why I feel the need to do it.<\/p>\n

I have never really needed to explain what I am to anybody, but I am starting to realize how off<\/em> people are when they think they understand me. I would love for people to believe I am not just insane, but intuitive.<\/p>\n

And if you don’t believe any of this, congrats! You are entitled to your own opinion. My praxis is something hard to understand, I get that. Just please, know that I let myself get pushed around or into situations it’s because that’s the only way I know how to “control” the situation.<\/p>\n

(I am not making sense, sorry, I’m trying.)<\/p>\n

I am the owner of a predicament if I cause that predicament. I create, then destroy. I am the beginning and end to my own problems, the designer of my catastrophe.<\/p>\n

No one needs to give me excuses.<\/p>\n

I let myself look dull for the sake of time. I do not have the patience to please everyone, but I go out of my way to do that sometimes, so that I might learn more a bout their human nature, and my own.<\/p>\n

I’m just trying to figure things guys, and I’m not weak or submissive.<\/p>\n

I am only waiting.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Over the course of a year, I have been trying my absolute hardest to change. At my old school, I was, well, weird.\u00a0This ideology (that people enforced around me) reminded me of a hamster ball or even bubble wrap, something to encase my “all-around strangeness”. No one wanted to get my kind of personality on … Continue reading “Suggested Dominance”<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":25,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[4],"tags":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/blog.msabrookhaven.org\/literary\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2630"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/blog.msabrookhaven.org\/literary\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/blog.msabrookhaven.org\/literary\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/blog.msabrookhaven.org\/literary\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/25"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/blog.msabrookhaven.org\/literary\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=2630"}],"version-history":[{"count":3,"href":"https:\/\/blog.msabrookhaven.org\/literary\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2630\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":2732,"href":"https:\/\/blog.msabrookhaven.org\/literary\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2630\/revisions\/2732"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/blog.msabrookhaven.org\/literary\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=2630"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/blog.msabrookhaven.org\/literary\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=2630"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/blog.msabrookhaven.org\/literary\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=2630"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}