2\/21\/18<\/p>\n
(This is an odd post, bear with me please.)<\/p>\n
My outlooks on life are seemingly crude despite my inner outreach for positivity. It is for the sole and simple fact that I am constantly and irrevocably terrified of everything around me. I am scared that if I actually show the amount of content I am with myself, someone or something will come along and take that security\u00a0 away from me.<\/p>\n
It’s something I’ve feared for a long time. Life was not simple or fun or easy before coming to school here. Heck, it’s usually not any of those things now, but days are easier and I feel like I can breathe. It’s an odd feeling.<\/p>\n
Going years and years not realizing how the thoughts in your head are not right\u00a0<\/em>and the way you see yourself is actually distorted is something that people can get caught up in. I spent years (I feel dumb writing this because it makes me sound older than I am and I hate that but at the same time I feel older than I am so I’m just going to go with it- I’m sorry) doing and feeling things that I shouldn’t have. I’ve gotten myself into situations that not only hurt myself, but the people around me. Years of, not only physical, but mental self-harm left a lot of scars that I feel like I am constantly trying to cover up. With like, metaphorical scar cream or something.<\/p>\n I put people that I care about in unfair positions just to see how they would react. This is not a good thing, I suggest not doing it. It causes more problems than its worth.<\/p>\n My mom and I have a very complicated relationship because of me. And her. I can’t say mostly\u00a0<\/em>her or mostly<\/em> me because it was team effort to screw up the whole thing. Even though it has gotten better, things are still tense and weird at times.\u00a0<\/em>(Update: she’s not mad about my tattoo.)<\/p>\n I don’t really know what else to put for the last 100 words. This was as personal as I’ve gotten in a long time, and it’s not even that<\/em> personal so that shows how I am, I guess.<\/p>\n \u00a0I’m tired of hating myself? That’s a thing I can add. It’s boring and cliche and extremely exhausting. I don’t technically love myself, but I’m in the process of at least accepting that my stomach is not completely flat and how my nose resembles a bird’s beak more than an actual nose. I love birds. I want to be a bird when I grow up.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" 2\/21\/18 (This is an odd post, bear with me please.) My outlooks on life are seemingly crude despite my inner outreach for positivity. It is for the sole and simple fact that I am constantly and irrevocably terrified of everything around me. I am scared that if I actually show the amount of content I … Continue reading “Here Lies My Self-Preservation”<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":24,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[4],"tags":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/blog.msabrookhaven.org\/literary\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2248"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/blog.msabrookhaven.org\/literary\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/blog.msabrookhaven.org\/literary\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/blog.msabrookhaven.org\/literary\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/24"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/blog.msabrookhaven.org\/literary\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=2248"}],"version-history":[{"count":7,"href":"https:\/\/blog.msabrookhaven.org\/literary\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2248\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":2965,"href":"https:\/\/blog.msabrookhaven.org\/literary\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2248\/revisions\/2965"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/blog.msabrookhaven.org\/literary\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=2248"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/blog.msabrookhaven.org\/literary\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=2248"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/blog.msabrookhaven.org\/literary\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=2248"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}